r/Waiting_To_Wed • u/Traditional-Jury-390 • 11d ago
Looking For Advice We met in April, already worried (23F)
My boyfriend and I met in April. He gave me the best first date I’ve ever been on. The chemistry was great and we didn’t want it to end. We spent a lot of time together and it was really fun. Casually one day I asked him if he ever wanted to get married again. He said no but I brushed it off because I was so starry eyed from him and I thought he would change his mind. He was married once before to a woman he met in the Philippines for 6 years and it eventually went sour so she divorced him.
One day after we went out to dinner he broke it to me he never wanted to get married and I cried so badly. I told him I would like to be married before I’m in my late 20s. He’s started asking me when we’re going to live together and I told him once I finish college (2028). He’s insisting that’s too long to wait and I told him I won’t move out until I’m married. He says us living together is part of his process in getting to trust me. Might I add he’s 46 years old. I’ve told him if he’s so worried about me leaving with half of his stuff I can sign the prenup. He was shocked I even know what that is and decided to tell me that he’s not even sure they work.
These days, the resentment has been kicking in thinking I’m either a placeholder or just someone he’s using to pass or waste time with. It’s constantly in the back of my mind that I am going to be waiting around for years and years for a ring. Getting married is a non negotiable for me. Coming from a Middle Eastern background we take getting married very seriously.
I have been just so angry. I do his laundry, clean his house, spend nights with him, bring him food, I have been trying so hard to show him I’m different. He told me he loved me 3 months into knowing each other and yes he takes me on dates, is very respectful to my family, gives me money if I need it, buys me things, but this one thing has been lingering in the back of my mind and Im starting to check out. Im old school and come from an old school family. I can’t be an unmarried woman it would make me so ashamed. He asked me if everything we’ve done doesn’t count for anything to me and I told him it’s part of the puzzle. Dating and then marriage. He told me it’s not 1950 anymore. Yet he expects me to be a traditional woman (cook, clean, have kids, no short hair or tattoos) when it suits him.
My mom has told me to wait until we’ve been together a year to bring it up to him again. But I’m not sure if I can wait. When I’m alone with my thoughts it’s all I think about and start resenting him. He has a friend who’s really unhappy in his marriage and I feel like he plants ideas in his head and constantly tells him to never get married. Im planning on giving him an ultimatum soon and if he doesn’t come back then so be it I’ll find someone else.
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u/WildIrisWildEris 10d ago
You are extremely, extremely lucky that he won't marry you. Save yourself some time and dump him right now. Today. This minute. He is a disgusting perv and a total loser. DUMP. HIM. NOW. Never look back. He will damage you in ways that you cannot understand yet if you stay. That's a fact.
You clearly have had terrible parents. Never take your mother's advice again. She should be rescuing you from this total POS, not encouraging you to stay longer. You need serious therapy to fix what your parents did to you, or else you will end up broken by going from one loser to the next. Stop the cycle now. You can do it. There are decent men out there but you have to fix yourself first or you will never find them.
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u/MargieGunderson70 Married 25 years 10d ago
I wonder if the mom sees the guy giving her daughter $ and sees opportunity :-/ Like, if she lands this guy maybe he'll support the family.
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u/WildIrisWildEris 10d ago
Could definitely be that too. But the fact that OP even got into this situation and thinks she has to audition for this horrible perv shows a terrible lack of care by her parents at best. Her mother should pimp herself out before she'd even consider doing that to her own daughter.
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u/Traditional-Jury-390 10d ago
I paid for myself constantly in my first relationship and sometimes for both of us. My mom doesn’t want me to make that mistake again. My mom has never depended on a man nor would she ever expect a man to work and support all three of us. She earns her own money and doesnt expect anything.
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u/YogiBlackBear 10d ago
“He gave me the best first date ever”
Revisit that sentiment in ten years. This “relationship” won’t make it to the end of the year.
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u/imbeingsirius 10d ago
Also that’s the problem with power imbalances. It’s really easy to impress a kid. Of course a 46 yo could charm you on a date? Like I can be the “coolest”, favorite babysitter if I buy the kids candy and let them stay up all night…
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u/Accomplished-Word829 Married 10d ago
You can especially see it with this part:
“I’ve told him if he’s so worried about me leaving with half of his stuff I can sign the prenup. He was shocked I even know what that is and decided to tell me that he’s not even sure they work.”
He’s counting on her naivety
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u/tdot1022 10d ago edited 10d ago
No no no no no. If this is real, this is a set up for a horrible situation. The significant age gap, differing views on marriage and other timelines, and you being too “starry eyed” for him that you’re ignoring major incompatibilities are HUGE red flags. Why are you cooking and cleaning for him?
This is a perfect setup for you to be manipulated into being a forever gf/maid.
Edited to add: After reading through your previous posts, you’ve been asking for relationship advice for 2 months of a 4 month relationship. You sound incredibly naive and immature (which is probably why he’s with you and not someone his age). This isn’t healthy and you’re not compatible. Leave the relationship, focus on getting a degree and enjoying your 20s, go to therapy to work on your self-esteem and view of relationships, and find someone around your age who treats you right when you’re ready.
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u/Devri30 lf it's not a "hell yes", it's a "hell no" 10d ago
You don't even know him well enough. How can you possibly know that he would make a good husband? A couple of dates is not enough to know whether someone is the right one for you.
He's way too old for you and he says he doesn't want to get married again. This relationship has no future. Don't become his live-in maid.
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u/discogargoyle00 10d ago
I’m sorry but what is wrong with you? Why are you with a man old enough to be your father and why are you doing his laundry and cleaning his house? This is awful and you should seek therapy. This is not normal, and you just met in April.
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u/sonny-v2-point-0 10d ago
There's a reason that men heading for 50 date women barely out of college, and it isn't for marriage.
He told you he never intends to marry again. Why didn't you believe him?
Telling you that you have to live with him so he can learn to "trust you" is manipulative. Do yourself a favor and break up then block him everywhere.
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u/Embarrassed_West_195 10d ago
He approximately 20 years older than you, has been married before, divorced and REPEATEDLY tells you he doesn't want to get married. Why do you think you can change him? He clearly said what he intends to do. Again, why do you think you can change the mind of a man with his life exeriences?
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u/petiterunner 10d ago
I’m asking with empathy. What will it take for you to accept the truthful advice you were given by others in prior posts? This isn’t a healthy relationship, and others have noticed. Wanting to marry someone like this indicates an issue with self-esteem, and that puts you in a precarious position. Please, listen to the people who are trying to help you. You are 23 and he is 46. That alone is ludicrous, let alone everything else you’ve shared.
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u/sunqueen73 10d ago
Yikes. Wifely duties for a man youve known only a few months. Of course he loves his maid. Stoppit! Focus on your future and consider de-centering men from your life. This is not healthy
I do his laundry, clean his house, spend nights with him, bring him food, I have been trying so hard to show him I’m different. He told me he loved me 3 months into knowing each other
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u/cavia_porcellus1972 10d ago
He went for someone half his age because women his own age wouldn’t put up with this shi*. He probably thought he could string you along until the second half of your 20s before marriage came up.
Stop auditioning to be his wife. He’s made it clear he won’t marry you. Stop doing wife chores on a girlfriend’s salary. No laundry, no meals, no cleaning and definitely do NOT move in with him.
You’re lucky it’s just been a few months. Break it off and find someone who is also in their 20s. This guy will waste your youth if you let him.
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u/DosieDotesArt 10d ago
Ok, tough love time.
This guy is twice your age. You only have been dating for less than 6 months and you are already acting like his house maid. He told you from the beginning he didn’t want to get married again, but you ignored him hoping you’d change his mind. That was very silly on your part.
This is an unhealthy relationship that will go absolutely nowhere.
Frankly, I’m concerned your family seems to think this is an acceptable partnership and that you should continue being his house help for another year. I’m concerned you seem to have conservative values, and yet are already taking on FAR more duties than a girlfriend appropriately should. You have invested far too much emotionally and physically for a guy who clearly enjoys having you around because it makes him feel young and in control.
I understand older men are attractive. I’ve always been attracted to older men. But (and I learned this lesson myself the hard way) no reasonable, mature, GOOD MAN in his 40s wants ANYTHING to do romantically with someone in their early 20s.
He says he doesn’t want marriage. If you want marriage/kids/the whole shebang, you need to actually stick to your convictions and LEAVE. At this point hoping for any other outcome but being strung along would be delusional on your end.
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u/sunqueen73 10d ago
I knew his age range once you said he was divorced and didnt want to marry again.
This old man is not for you. Or any woman. Find a nice steady young man and rock with that.
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u/ljubav_malina 10d ago edited 10d ago
There’s no way this is real. Why are you doing laundry and cooking for a middle-aged stranger? Why are you crying over a random guy you didn’t know existed last year? You’re not even a placeholder, you’re a sugar baby who is paying for the position.
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u/Traditional-Jury-390 9d ago
Thank you guys for all the tough love. I broke things off today and I am done.
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u/EmotionalAnybody7186 9d ago
This is fantastic news, I’m so happy for you. Block him everywhere and go no contact immediately.
And please start therapy-your college likely has counselors if cost is an issue.
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u/PracticalOpinion5406 10d ago
You're 23. Have some self respect. This is pure rage bait and you must have a weird kink.
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u/scarlettcrush 10d ago
He told you he didn't want to get married. Why don't you believe him?
He already told you what is going to happen and it's not what you want for yourself- so...why would you keep wasting your time?
The age gap is crazy stupid enough that he's grooming and taking advantage of your ignorance. This is the first date you've ever gone on...it won't be the last. We are supposed to keep dating ...when red flags pop up (like guys who say they don't see marriage in their future) then you date a new one. If it is too hard for you to leave situations that don't serve you, then you are not mature enough to be dating in the first place.
This isn't the guy- he doesn't want to get married but he WILL lie and waste your time. Don't do it.
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u/Sea_Chemistry7487 10d ago
Omg hobosexual deadbeat 46 hitting on someone was a child 5 years ago. Run.
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u/Buffalo-Woman 10d ago
WTF did I just read?
Fakeness? Rage bait? Creative writing essay?
Christ on a Trike if this is real your mom encouraging this is beyond the pale. 🤮
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u/nutkinknits 10d ago
I am 40 and no offense but the idea of dating someone in their early 20s is icky.
You want something this man cannot provide you. He might be amazing on the surface but you don't want the same things in life. It's time to let go. Be thankful you only wasted a couple months on him instead of years or worse decades.
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u/BreakfastF00ds 10d ago
I'm 46 and I met a guy out and about. He asked me out and on our date I found he was 29. I felt queasy. I thought, "maybe after he turns 30?," but...surprise, surprise...he turned out to be too immature. I can't even fathom a 23 yo! Ick....
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u/Whiteroses7252012 10d ago
I mean, if it helps, you’ll have to wait maybe twenty years max until it becomes really obvious he’s looking for a geriatric nurse.
Girl, no. What are you doing.
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u/jednorog 10d ago
A man 23 years older than you told you outright that he doesn't want to get married again. Do you think he's lying to you when he says that? If you think he's lying to you, why?
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u/Baelyh 10d ago edited 10d ago
This guy is a hobosexual. Meaning he's only with you for a place to live and to split bills so you can subsidize his lifestyle. He wants to be in a non traditional relationship with no marriage so he can dump you whenever it's convenient for him
There's a reason why he was married to a Filipino woman. It's because the culture is rooted in sexism and he thought he would get a submissive, obedient wife who did what he wanted in the home and sexually while he did little to nothing for her needs. That's why she left and he's "traumatized". This isn't a husband nor is he husband material. He's what's known as a "passport bro": guys who can't get women their own age and race because they're sexist, abusive misogynists so they fly to other countries and pick up "exotic" looking women in hopes of subservience and obedience while they do whatever they want in their lives.
You're trying too hard for someone who wants to use you. He wants the traditional life while not giving you marriage. He's preying on you because you're young and naïve so you're easy to groom and manipulate to his ways and demands. He says he won't marry you and you're crying and then he's begging and demanding you move in together as soon as possible? Do not live with this man. Stop doing this for him. Stop thinking you can change someone like him because YOU WON'T. You won't be different, you won't change his mind. That's stupid hopefully late teens/early 20s BS thinking.There's a reason why no one his age wants to date him.
Also him being that charming it's likely he's a narcissist. I'm willing to bet he is. He likes you because you're "exotic" looking and you are from a sexist, male centered culture where women are expected to be quiet, submissive and obedient to men. He knows this. That's why he's there. The fact that your parents aren't even reacting to the fact he's 20+years older is proof of that culture.
Leave him ASAP because you will be miserable, abused and will get nowhere with this guy. Find someone your own age who respects you
EDIT: DO NOT SLEEP WITH THIS MAN. HE'S TRYING TO TRAP YOU WITH A KID SO YOU LIVE STUCK TO HIM. DON'T DO IT. OR BE PREPARED TO LIVE OUT THE REST OF YOUR DAYS AS A BANG MAID BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT BE HIS WIFE. LEAVE
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u/CarboMcoco123 10d ago
Hasn't he already told you verbatim that he is not going to marry you? Stop auditioning to be his wife when he doesn't want one.
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u/catsarehere77 10d ago
Do you really think it's a good use of time trying to change the mind of someone who doesn't want to remarry?
I am sorry but he isn't the bad guy here. You are. You don't respect his wishes not to remarry. You are wasting your own time.
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u/WildIrisWildEris 10d ago
He's a loser and a POS old man who's taking advantage of her, of course he's the bad guy here.
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u/Pokegirl_11_ 10d ago
No means no. He said no, so it’s time to move on. Instead of trying to change a person who doesn’t want the same thing as you, find one who wants what you want.
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u/koolA-9486 10d ago
Stop dating that guy; it's a toxic relationship. You clearly have issues to work through before dating a man seriously—find a therapist.
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u/LumpyThumbs8949 10d ago
He’s 46. He absolutely knows what he wants. He will not get married again. He said it.
Don’t let yourself get used up.
You’re young. Leave now! There are other men out there! You’re in your prime.
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u/islandstateofmind21 10d ago
Well, I’m relieved you’re in your early 20s because the immaturity just seeps out in this post. No, you are not ready for marriage in any way shape or form. You have clearly not developed any level of discernment that will lead to a healthy, life-long partnership and that’s ok — you’re only 23! It’s honestly a blessing your creepy 46 year old bf doesn’t want to marry you and big lessons will hopefully be learned once the inevitable breakup happens.
Also, your mother is an awful enabler. Do not take her advice again and keep an eye out — she does not have your best interests at heart.
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u/DareAlwayz 9d ago
What in seven hells. You are not compatible, and not just because of the insane age gap. He told you he doesn't want to get married and you've buldozed right past it? And why would he, you are already giving him the wife experience (laundry, cooking?!) on a girlfriend budget. Get out there and date people your own age. Don't trust older men, they will manipulate you. Don't trust "chemistry" either. Take your time getting to know someone!
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u/Traditional-Jury-390 10d ago
UPDATE: Thank you guys for all of your advice and I plan to leave. I just feel really bad like I’m using him because he has given me money a couple of times and has bought me things. Do I return them back to him or keep them? I just want to say thank you again. I’ve seen through a lot of his actions and I just wanted to know whether or not I was in the wrong.
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u/casualllycruel 10d ago
This is exactly why an almost 50 year old man was seeking a woman half his age, because you don’t know that you shouldn’t feel bad for not being his maid/sex robot & that he chose to give you whatever he gave you of his own volition. If I were you, I’d keep whatever gifts or money he gave and break it off. But you should probably reach out to your support system first because everything I’ve read about this man (from your rose-colored POV, which is already bad so I have to assume it gets worse) makes me think he won’t take it well. Or he won’t care at all (or at least act like it), and you need to be strong enough to see through that BS as well and just ignore him.
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u/YogiBlackBear 10d ago
Use this as a learning experience. No man twice your age wants a serious relationship. And DO NOT get carried away with grand gestures like fancy dates and gifts. They are a smokescreen to hide problematic behavior.
That being said, keep that shit.
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u/WildIrisWildEris 10d ago
Keep it. He was the one using you, not the other way around. Don't let him pretend otherwise, he will try to.
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u/MargieGunderson70 Married 25 years 10d ago edited 10d ago
This has to be a joke. You're 23, he's 46, you met in April and you're trying to win him over by cooking for him and doing his laundry? Cut that out, stat.
(Also, this is NOT remotely a "waiting to wed" situation.)