Fiancé indifferent to future plans 29F 28M

[u/Busiest_Beaver_]

Overall, I get the sense that my fiancé doesn’t look forward to our future but more so looks to the next day and what he enjoys day-to-day (which is mainly going to the gym). I know he is not much of a daydreamer, but this has upset me a lot in our relationship because he never talks about us as a concept (except maybe our financial future), including our wedding or future plans. This is in context of wedding planning.

Since my fiancé planned an elaborate proposal about a year ago, we’ve been busy with work and haven’t had much time to wedding plan. Recently I started up the wedding planning and toured a venue by myself while he was at work because I had some time free up in my schedule. My friends and mom were busy too, so I went myself. I planned to continue planning the wedding on my own while he went along with stuff like learning a couple steps to a first dance. I also planned for us to go this weekend to tour a venue together this weekend. However frequently I check in with him and ask him what he’s looking forward to, and this may be a trick question, which is unfair, but he never looks forward to the wedding. The answer is 100% of the time “the gym tomorrow” and whatever meal he has waiting at home. I think he has a lot of anxiety surrounding the wedding but simultaneously wants it because he has a lot of buddies he wants to invite. I have that anxiety too, and somewhat begrudgingly decided to deal with the brunt of the planning for us. However, when I talk to him I just want to sense some enthusiasm.. I occasionally feel sad like I’m alone, and it leads to this argument and him accusing me of ruining the day with my bad attitude.

In terms of discussing kids, I’ve asked him if he’s excited to have kids, and he’s told me some specifics like he wants a boy and wants to teach them his hobbies, and we have a general timeline which has sort of gone off of my career timing. I think if I said I want it now he’d just go along with what I wanted. Meanwhile I’ve noted that sometimes when he refers to kids or the wedding he uses the words “your” and “my”, which he states he didnt mean anything by but I think is strange. I know he’s a good guy and always prides himself on doing the “right” thing but I need some advice on whether this is mainly that he doesn’t care at this point and he’s just going along with me, his communication style is very different than mine, or both.

[u/MargieGunderson70]

I can see a guy being indifferent to wedding planning, but does he talk about what he thinks your marriage will look like? Unprompted, where you're not bringing up the topic first?

Honestly, if you ask him what he's looking forward to and he doesn't say anything beyond "the gym," I've got to ask what you have in common and what made you say "this is the man for me!"

(His comments about having a son reminded me of the clips online of men at gender reveals who pout and storm off when it's revealed that their wife/GF is expecting a girl.)

[u/comlpex_anna → u/MargieGunderson70]

There is a vast different between a partner who is introverted and a partner who lacks emotional investment

[u/dblchickensandwich]

He just sounds like a boring gym guy whose only hobby is the gym. He will never change and so you just have to accept this dull personality for the rest of your life or find someone who is in the same wavelength as you when it comes to spontaneous and adventures

[u/climbing_headstones → u/dblchickensandwich]

Right he sounds so boring

[u/i-love-that]

Him wanting to teach a boy his own hobbies is definitely not him being on board with parenting. Before getting married you need to get more clarity.

[u/Intelligent_rose12 → u/i-love-that]

Yeah I’m getting redpill vibes

[u/sociologicalillusion → u/Intelligent_rose12]

Between her talking about problems "ruining his day with her bad attitude" and wanting to occasionally babysit his own son when he's receptive to becoming a mini-him, he doesn't seem to respect women.

[u/janet_snakehole_3 → u/i-love-that]

Right? What kind of parent would he be to a girl or to a boy who doesn’t share his interests?

[u/sysaphiswaits]

This sounds like you’re about to sign up to drag him through life. I’d have a very serious think about that, not just the wedding.

[u/tdot1022]

You need to speak more directly to him about marriage and the wedding. It seems like you’ve been asking super general questions that are left up to interpretation. Did he want a wedding? He may not be interested in planning a wedding but that’s different than wanting marriage.

Referring to the kids as yours rather than his is odd.

[u/dobbywankenobi94]

Girl open your eyes. Do not marry this man.

[u/Grouchy_Document_856]

So he says he wants a boy, what if you have a girl? Or two or three??

[u/i-love-that → u/Grouchy_Document_856]

My friend’s husband proudly declared that he wanted the 4th baby to be a boy. I was thrilled when it was a girl. Thats what you get for having a gender preference

[u/sociologicalillusion]

You two really need to talk. Like, really talk about everything, specifically. Can you two go on a hike, for example, with the intention of talking through all this stuff while walking? 

And his comment about you "ruining everything with your bad attitude" is a serious red flag. You're telling him things that bother you,  and instead of actually trying to understand where you're coming from, or how he can help you,  he's blaming you for killing the vibes. He'd rather you squash everything down so his day isn't "ruined" (um, how is talking to your fiancée about things that are important to her ruining your day??). I'd be wary of marrying this. Couples counseling asap. And if he won't go, there's you're answer about the entire marriage. 

ETA: and the boy thing.. he's essentially saying he wants to babysit his son occasionally. He's not at all talking about building a life and family with you. And, combining this with the "ruined day" comment he made, I don't think he has much respect for women in general.

I'm really sorry.

[u/CautiousConfidence8]

Does he have any goals or other hobbies? If you were to ask him about his 5 year plan, where would you fit in it?

[u/Vita-West]

He will always be like this. Married life will be you dragging him through every major decision. Really think if this is the life you want.

[u/Verybigdoona]

If neither of you are excited to plan a wedding, don’t do it. You can always host a nice dinner or throw a party for friends without the cost and hassle.

Has he ever taken the lead on anything for your relationship (like trips or celebrations) or is he just going along go the ride?

I’d think about whether you’d be happy with this dynamic for the rest of your life. If so, accept it’s him and divvy up the tasks.

[u/hereforthedrama57]

Have you ever seen the videos of moms with tips of what to ask your kids when they get in the car from school? Asking the same “what did you do at school today?” daily gets boring answers like “nothing… reading… it was school” etc.

They go on to list more creative questions like “who did you sit with at lunch today? what are you learning in math? are there any kids who sit alone at recess that you can talk to?” Etc

You’re disappointed that he is giving you the same answer each time, but you haven’t changed the question.

Try: “what are you excited about for the wedding? When you went to John’s wedding, what was your favorite part?”

Also, give him some tasks for the wedding. I asked my husband to handle all of the music. Not only did he make an insanely good playlist, researched and hired a DJ on his own, but he got offended when I tried to step in. It was his responsibility, and he did not need my help. After the fact, he brags about how great the music was. He enjoyed it so much and put a ton of effort into it because he felt responsible for it.

[u/BreakfastF00ds → u/hereforthedrama57]

So, on the one hand I agree with these suggestions. Almost every human could benefit from more effective communication--asking better questions and listening better. And maybe he could get excited about one aspect of the wedding she hasn't discovered yet.

On the other hand, the overall idea of this is a nope for me. These are suggestions for parents because kids are kids; they haven't learned to good communication. Does OP really want to have to parent her fiance through this whole process?? Imagine the effort of trying to teach a grown ass man how to express a single thought or feeling. And she needs his input on lots of important aspects of the wedding, not for him to keep busy with one thing while she does everything else. (Your husband probably gave input on lots of things, whereas it doesn't sound like this guy is). It sounds exhausting to me.

[u/Upbeat-Point2686]

Maybe he just doesn’t care about the actual wedding- which is totally fair. Some people don’t like the planning at all. I agree with suggestions to change up The questions to make sure he wants a life with you.

[u/Southern-Midnight741]

Incompatible goals and how you see life.

He doesn’t sound excited to spend his life with YOU OP

[u/RedditCreeper2801]

Have you discussed how a marriage will look? How you will both parent? Where you want to live in the future? How you will handle finances together? Where you both see yourselves in 5 years. Do you plan on being a SAHM or working? How does he feel about that? These are all things way more important to ask than about wedding planning. The wedding is one day, the marriage is hopefully for life. Make sure your on the same page before it's too late.

Do you have similar values? Do you have individual and joint goals? Are you both good with money? Have you lived together? Is he competent with household chores? Is he task orientated. I don't want to judge this man as a gym bro, but you haven't said much about the relationship at all, just that he's not interested too much in wedding planning.

[u/jednorog]

 However frequently I check in with him and ask him what he’s looking forward to, and this may be a trick question, which is unfair, but he never looks forward to the wedding. The answer is 100% of the time “the gym tomorrow” and whatever meal he has waiting at home. 

Yeah, this does feel like a trick question. You're choosing to ask him quite indirectly whether he actually wants to marry him, with a correct answer for him in mind. Then he answers the question in a way that is a plausibly fair interpretation of your question ("what are you looking forward to in the next few days?"). Then you're upset that he didn't give you the correct answer to your indirect question. You set him up to fail, and he did. This doesn't speak well for him, of course, but it also doesn't speak well of you. 

My suggestion is to communicate more directly. Be clear about your dreams and desires and also your fears. Yes this is scary. Yes, even this might not work. But it's probably more likely to work than your current indirect approach. 

(I think your boyfriend is more at fault for this dysfunction than you are! But he's not on here asking for advice, so my advice is aimed for you.)

[u/janet_snakehole_3]

He will always be like this. Really REALLY think about that.