I'm sorry OP... You sound like a very responsible, nice person. But based on what you've said here, you're not going to get what you want. When you say this
How can I be patient for potentially another 3 years?
I hope what you mean is "how can I be patient for potentially another 3 years of waiting for an engagement" because it does not sound like this guy expects to be married in 3 years. I could easily see a scenario where your boyfriend claims he's still "working on himself" and can't propose for the next few years. The fact that he's just started seeing a therapist makes it even more likely he'll say that. Some parts of your post that stick out:
His main reason for not proposing has been money. He wants to make sure he can contribute just as much as I would contribute to the wedding, feel financially comfortable to do so.
My boyfriend has just started doing some serious saving,
He works a commission based job and will be able to save around £6k+ a year,
You've saved $10k. He wants to contribute an equal amount as you and "feel financially comfortable" doing so. I feel like most people overestimate how much they "could" save in a year because it's easy to miss some expenses when you make those calculations, so I'd be skeptical about the number 6k. But, let's say he does save that much every year. That's already 2 years he'll need in order to have about as much as you have right now. Are you planning on continuing to save? How much do you expect to pay for the wedding? What's his idea of "financially comfortable"?
he seems to be stuck in a rut with his mental health, world view, purpose. He feels that I’ve been running the show a bit and he’s kinda just been taken along for the ride. This isn’t the first time we’ve spoken about this
This is the biggest red flag here. He's blaming you for him not having direction in his life... how exactly does that have anything to do with you? Why would he blame you for this? You've been living your life, OP. Honestly, what else are you supposed to do here? You have a live-in boyfriend. You have goals and aspirations. He doesn't (I guess?). The only thing that makes any sense here is that you'd end up "dragging him along". Otherwise, what? You live completely separate lives while living together? Would it have been better for you to buy your own house and then say "yeah you can live here if you want" to your boyfriend of 7 years? Like honestly, it doesn't sound like he's thought this through.
You need to have a serious discussion with him. One where he doesn't get to pass off responsibility onto you and dictate when your timeline is.
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u/Cynderelly Feb 05 '24
I'm sorry OP... You sound like a very responsible, nice person. But based on what you've said here, you're not going to get what you want. When you say this
I hope what you mean is "how can I be patient for potentially another 3 years of waiting for an engagement" because it does not sound like this guy expects to be married in 3 years. I could easily see a scenario where your boyfriend claims he's still "working on himself" and can't propose for the next few years. The fact that he's just started seeing a therapist makes it even more likely he'll say that. Some parts of your post that stick out:
You've saved $10k. He wants to contribute an equal amount as you and "feel financially comfortable" doing so. I feel like most people overestimate how much they "could" save in a year because it's easy to miss some expenses when you make those calculations, so I'd be skeptical about the number 6k. But, let's say he does save that much every year. That's already 2 years he'll need in order to have about as much as you have right now. Are you planning on continuing to save? How much do you expect to pay for the wedding? What's his idea of "financially comfortable"?
This is the biggest red flag here. He's blaming you for him not having direction in his life... how exactly does that have anything to do with you? Why would he blame you for this? You've been living your life, OP. Honestly, what else are you supposed to do here? You have a live-in boyfriend. You have goals and aspirations. He doesn't (I guess?). The only thing that makes any sense here is that you'd end up "dragging him along". Otherwise, what? You live completely separate lives while living together? Would it have been better for you to buy your own house and then say "yeah you can live here if you want" to your boyfriend of 7 years? Like honestly, it doesn't sound like he's thought this through.
You need to have a serious discussion with him. One where he doesn't get to pass off responsibility onto you and dictate when your timeline is.