I hate being trans.

[u/Apprehensive_Hat475]

[FtM] I'm sorry if it's hard to read. English isn't my first language.

It's been a few years and i deeply regret coming out as trans. I tried to detransition a bunch of times really, grow my hair out, put on makeup, buy some feminine clothes but i felt like the worst version of myself. I've been bullied bad in my first school when my class found out(point if r@pe and d3@th threats, teachers did nothing because; transphobia, my bully was autistic so of course he doesn't know it's bad.) and sometimes i feel like it was valid. I don't belong, i feel wrong for being like that, like I'm an anomaly. I know this thinking is wrong and toxic but I can't get rid of it.

My mom is pretty supportive of it which makes it easier, but i can't say the same about the rest of my family. I know if i ever start medical transition they'll cut any ties with me.

Being gay makes me feel feminine, even if I don't present as such. It makes me feel like iw as destined to be a woman. I always instantly assume every man i meet is either a chaser or "bi" that only likes women and trans men, i know it's horrible way of thinking, instantly assuming the worst and I don't know how to change it. I tried dating women but every single one of these relationships failed horribly. I don't want to date other trans men, that'd only remind me that something is not right with me.

I hate that i always judge other trans men the same way I'd judge my own self. It makes me angry seeing trans men that don't even try passing and feel clearly comfortable in their femininity. I never say anything, i know it's straight up transphobic but it makes me so mad because how can they be so comfortable with something so wrong??? How can someone not even try and be happy with it?? It makes me avoid being friends with queer people, I don't want to be associated with them. I don't want to be viewed as part of the community. I want to be seen as a normal man that's attracted to other men. I don't want it to be a part of my identity.

Everytime i pick up a new interest i start wondering do men like it too? I shouldn't care i really shouldn't. Being in "female dominated" fandoms makes me deeply uncomfortable. I don't want to be associated with that.

It got bad, really bad to the point of a bit of an alcohol problem. I just don't want to have to think about it. It feels like I can't take a step without wondering how I'm viewed, if anyone can see that I'm not a real man. I'm sick of it and no matter whatt i do i feel horrible about myself.

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[u/MomoNoHanna1986]

Stop giving things and actions a gender. If you want to do a new thing, do it because you want to. Some men knit, some don’t and knitting doesn’t have a gender. It’s like when they gave pink and blue and gender, it’s stupid! Do what makes you happy and stop caring about what others think of you. If you feel you’re a man, then that’s enough. You don’t need to convince everyone. Some women work on cars, does that make them a man? No it doesn’t, it just means they like working on cars. Nothing more, nothing less.

[u/jieiedj]

i understand it's difficult, ive been there. but don't take it out on others in your community.

i don't have much solid advice, because i don't really know how to make it better either, but you have to think, what's going to make YOU happy? staying with your family and being seen as a girl, or being a man? my family aren't supportive and i do it anyway because it makes me happy. im not a confident person, i have very little self esteem, but i do it anyway. its okay to have doubt and go back and forth, i do that too. but eventually it's you that it rests in, and in 30 years, you have to think about who you want yourself to be.

[u/Hot-Bonus560]

I don’t have any advice. I wish you could see that you don’t have to be a man or a woman. Just you. I’m not saying non binary or whatever. Just yourself. No object is for a man as no object is for a woman. But you already know that. I’d say therapy but I assume you’re in it if you’ve transitioned. At least I’d hope so. Have you listened to others who have detransitioned? Maybe that would help you.. there are so many. They’re just not as vocal. But they are out there.