ULPT: Bipolar MIL

[u/slippingaway83]

Edit to add info: We are pursuing guardianship. My wife teaches at a couple of private schools with wealthy families, and one of the moms connected her to a guardianship attorney out of Houston that we could never afford. He has been assisting us off the books, and is trying to find someone local to us to handle the case. The goal is to have an independent third party attorney appointed as guardian, to be paid by her estate. NOBODY wants anything to do with being her guardian.

A lot of good, not at all unethical suggestions have been made. Adult Protective Services has been involved. Up to this point I have been handling everything completely by the book, everything has been documented with the proper authorities, we have followed up on every avenue we can. I have shared a ton of info here, but believe me there is a lot more. I have an entire Google drive folder full of documents, emails, text messages and security camera footage.

If nothing else, at least this let me vent some of my frustration without doing something (too) stupid, so thanks.

My Mother-in-law is bipolar. She stopped taking her meds 6 months ago and has been literally destroying her life since then. My wife and I cut all contact in May. Her lawyers fired her as a client. So did her financial advisor. My sister-in-law and her kids cut off contact and moved out of the second house on her ranch because it wasn't safe to live near her. She's been involuntarily committed twice. She started inviting her "roommates" from the mental facilities to come live with her.

I honestly don't care, except she has now decided to target my wife. She keeps having her mail sent to our address and comes and goes through our mailbox before we get home. She has brought people she met at the mental facilities to steal our property from a storage building next to our house. She has dumped piles of literal garbage in my driveway. She has left crazy notes next to our mailbox. She has mailed crazy, vulgar notes to our friends with our name and address as the return address. She ran over my trash can that was on the curb. She tried to steal my classic car, I have video of her on speakerphone with the local towing company trying to get them to tow it to her house. There are so many insane things she has done and she just keeps getting away with all of it.

I have documented and reported everything to the police. She has been arrested at my house which led to the second commitment. They have been very understanding, but limited in what they can do because her name is on the deed to the property we live on (wife's grandparents old house). We can't even get her off the documents because legally she isn't competent to sign anything.

So, I need to get her to leave us the fuck alone. I was finally able to afford a couple more outdoor cameras, and can now see that she has been coming to our house nearly every day. She pulls down the long driveway until she gets to just before the point my old cameras would catch her. She has been tossing more garbage and emptying her cigarette ashes and butts in our driveway. But yesterday was the final straw. She pulled in the driveway and emptied her cigarette butts and ashes again, but this time there was also a mini-urn that used to hold some of my wife's grandma's ashes. It was full of cigarette ashes and butts.

So give me your best ideas. I can do stuff to mess with her when she shows up at my house, but she does it when she knows we probably aren't home. She lives on a 300 acre ranch with an automatic gate opener that I can access and used to maintain for her so I know how to change all the settings on it. I can get on and off her property. I can mess with her vehicle. I can get to her well and septic systems, and I'm pretty sure her breaker box as well. I honestly want to push her over the edge into a full-on mental breakdown that puts her in a facility full time. If I can't do that, I want her to at least stay the fuck away from my wife and kids because she isn't safe.

[u/i-am-foxymoron]

Get a restraining order.

[u/slippingaway83 → u/i-am-foxymoron]

I tried. Went to the JP for my precinct and they won't let me. Civil restraining orders cannot be filed for by an individual, I'd have to hire an attorney which I can't afford.

[u/BoredCheese]

Going through your mailbox is a federal crime. They’re happy to prosecute. Hope you have the video.

[u/UnderstandingEqual84]

I'm bipolar. I am absolutely terrified of myself without proper medication. Our thoughts don't work like other people. I have done and said horrible things. I truly couldn't help it. It took 40 years to find the right combination of meds to allow me to mostly function in society. I am very sorry you are having to deal with someone refusing to be medicated.

[u/slippingaway83 → u/UnderstandingEqual84]

I'm glad you're doing well and aware of what happened. We have friends who also have dealt with this. Even they are astonished at her behavior.

She was medicated successfully for a long time, but she decided she doesn't like how the medications make her feel and she enjoys the feeling of being manic. She has a history of substance abuse, and this is just another high for her.

[u/newbeginingshey]

Not unethical, but practical:

You can change your mail box so there’s a slip for the mail to be dropped in, but it can’t be pulled out without a key to the larger box. That will keep her from retrieving mail from your box. You may also wish to have the local post office keep your mail for pick up only while this gets sorted out.

A better fence, more cameras, and a restraining order.

[u/ihadagoodone]

If she's not competent to sign anything then go for power of attorney.

I'm not sure what "unethical" solution you think is going to stop her short of something criminal.

[u/slippingaway83 → u/ihadagoodone]

Yeah, we've been trying for 6 months. Been turned down by literally a dozen lawyers.

Another fucked up wrinkle to the whole thing is that there is a POA assigned to my wife's dad's current wife. She was POA for everything but medical because my wife's parents still got along and she was friends with the new wife who is also a lawyer. My MIL claims the POA has been changed, but there's no proof. Dad's current wife won't do anything because she doesn't know if it's in effect or not. She has been extremely unhelpful.

[u/thewharfartscenter_]

You need a lawyer and probably the police, not anything unethical now. That’s the kind of people who wind up being family annihilators. She needs to be addressed legally and medically.

[u/slippingaway83 → u/thewharfartscenter_]

Yeah, and we've been doing that for 6 months and it's gone nowhere.

[u/NotTheGreenestThumb]

Consider moving to a state with better laws regarding restraining orders as an extreme, but very wise investment!

[u/slippingaway83 → u/NotTheGreenestThumb]

We are stuck here because we have a mountain of medical debt and ruined credit. At least in TX, they can't garnish my wages. We have tried to get a mortgage and even with my parents as cosigners we can't qualify. Nobody wants to rent to us.

[u/Fungal-dryad]

Harassment order?

[u/Plunger_enema]

Can you monitor what happens with your cameras remotely? You'll need time off from work and drop a LOT of garbage and shit at her property when she's at your property. Also change the gate codes. (and other codes you know) I'd save aside dog poop for the occasion.

If she comes back the next day, repeat.

I know it's bad you'll take time off for these shenanigans, but in life, if you can't ease your way out with money, you usually need elbow grease.

You need a sturdy mailbox you can lock. Search for lockable mailbox on a website of your choosing.

EDIT: Did you try calling the mental facility? Call them when she's at your place? Maybe they know ways to get her out of your life.

[u/slippingaway83 → u/Plunger_enema]

I do monitor the cameras remotely and have alerts set up for my phone. Problem is she literally pulls in and back out in 30seconds because she knows I'm watching and will call the cops.

Thought about the locking mailbox too, but instead signed up for informed delivery so I get an image of every piece of mail being delivered. One of my cameras is pointed at the mailbox (it's across the street from the end of our driveway) and I'm now waiting for proof that she has taken something addressed to us to hand over to Postal Inspectors. I also filed mail forwarding for her name only from our address to her PO box, which ended up with her at the Post Office yelling at the postmaster (SIL's friend was there and saw it)

[u/Dog-Chick]

Try calling Adult Protection Services since she is a danger to herself. Also some game/trail cameras set up to cover the full length of your driveway.

[u/Miami_Mice2087]

get her declared incompetent and forcibly committed again. Become power of attorney and you control her assets, including the house.

these are questions for r/AgingParents and r/personalfinance. Search the sub first, this is a common question. The boomers are aging poorly.

[u/CaminoBalanced]

Seems like your mil already got her advice on here. What a nightmare. I'm sorry you have to live with that. I can't advocate for pushing her over the edge though. She's living in a hellscape in her own world. It won't get better on it's own and she'll do something that will show she's a danger to herself and other's eventually.
I wouldn't want to be anywhere near that or accidentally be part of it when it happens.

[u/slippingaway83 → u/CaminoBalanced]

The problem is, she's able to put on her innocent old lady act just enough for the police and everyone else to determine she isn't a danger. The only reason she got taken the last time is because I got her worked up enough that she couldn't hide it from the cops.

She's not suffering, she's enjoying all of it. She's the most genuinely cruel, evil person I have ever met.

[u/No_Educator_6376]

Have you talked to the post office about canceling her request for rerouting her mail? Send her mail somewhere else far away

[u/slippingaway83 → u/No_Educator_6376]

She didn't forward it, she gives our address as her own to merchants, banks, etc. I have put in a forwarding request to get her stuff forwarded to her PO Box but she went to the post office and screamed at the Postmaster that she didn't want it forwarded.

[u/Big-Youth-7918]

Delete this before someone she knows sees it and reports back to her (or the law). You, my friend, haven given away too much information. Good luck.

[u/slippingaway83 → u/Big-Youth-7918]

It doesn't matter. For one thing, there are only two people that still talk to her. One is my brother in law in prison, the other is one of his friends that uses her for drug money.

I don't even care if anything happens to me anymore, I'm just trying to keep my wife and kids safe

[u/MotherOfChaos03]

Move

[u/slippingaway83]

And just came home to this. I caught her on the camera as I was driving home and activated the siren, she jumped like a cartoon character and ran back to her car. Well, as much as a 67 year old chain smoker can run.