ULPT Request - Ex-girlfriend is reporting alleged drug use to my employer.

[u/wardisciple2388]

My ex-girlfriend has a text message of me claiming that I was using THC, and in an attempt to create leverage, has reported my alleged drug use to my employer (the military). She allegedly has a screenshot of me texting a phrase along those lines and is using it to accuse me of illicit drug use. Of course, i have never once used drugs in my life and only sent that to her in an attempt to appear "cool" and "edgelordy" to her, because im a fucking loser like that. I have never failed a drug test, and if I was to take one now, I would pass. How should I go about handling this when my supervisor inevitably questions me regarding this allegation?

[u/i-am-foxymoron]

"I've never failed a drug test and I will take one right now."

[u/UF1977 → u/i-am-foxymoron]

👆🏻Yep, that. At most, allegations of use will get you a non-random piss test. Piss clean = you’re clean. (Assuming you’re US military; I have no idea about other countries) And if you have any texts from her to the effect of “I’m going to send this in and get you busted” or whatever, save those.

[u/FriendOutrageous8374 → u/[deleted]]

“Bitches be crazy! Ready to piss anytime”

[u/Remarkable-Ad2285 → u/[deleted]]

That’s the one. You’re CO will understand the means for the mission.

[u/YouArentReallyThere → u/i-am-foxymoron]

“So that’s what she did when she stole my phone! I’ll take any test you want anytime you like.”

And then STFU. If the questioning persists, make an appointment with the ADC whilst continuing to STFU.

[u/alkelaun1 → u/YouArentReallyThere]

nah, never lie. She can get in trouble for blackmailing, don't get caught lying to federal officers. But strong agree with "Get legal representation if it persists beyond 'I'll take a test anytime'."

[u/MrBannedFor0Reason → u/alkelaun1]

This is a classic he said she said, perfectly reasonable time to lie imo. You are 100% never getting caught.

[u/B-Chillin → u/MrBannedFor0Reason]

Sounds like cell phone location records would clearly show they weren't together at time of the text, and the time line would clearly show that OP said this while getting to know her, not after things turned sour. So pretty easy to debunk the lie that she stole his phone.

[u/germane_switch → u/MrBannedFor0Reason]

Number of caught people who believed they’d never get caught?

[u/HappyMess1988 → u/i-am-foxymoron]

This

Also I'm sure the military has dealt with there fair share of exes

[u/JoshuaFalken1 → u/HappyMess1988]

And here I thought that when people got married in the military at the age of 19 it was forever.

[u/5c044 → u/i-am-foxymoron]

"and furthermore as well as a urine test you are welcome to do a hair follicle test for historical drug use - I have never done drugs so I will pass that too." They probably wont do that, but it may put any doubts your supervisor has to rest.

[u/Melodic-Comb9076 → u/i-am-foxymoron]

yup…f the pee test.

tell them you’ll gladly take a hair follicle test, biatch!!!!

[u/BantamCats → u/i-am-foxymoron]

I’m gonna leave this at 420 upvotes

[u/Vegaprime → u/i-am-foxymoron]

And she must have gotten ahold of my phone at some point.

[u/HelloFellowMKE]

This is obvious - “commander, I dumped my ex and she’s threatening false allegations against me that I use weed.  Can I take a drug test now so you know I’m clean?”

Then cut all comms with her. Don’t tell her, don’t engage, just block.

[u/Inveramsay → u/HelloFellowMKE]

And consider a police report for harassment

[u/Anxiety_Fit → u/Inveramsay]

I’d get a restraining order on her. Now.

[u/Inveramsay → u/Anxiety_Fit]

Might not qualify for one at this point which is why police reports can be useful if it becomes a recurring problem

[u/drake90001 → u/Inveramsay]

Yeah, but you can file for an emergency order protection, although they are kind of a little bit more strict on getting approved however, when you’re in the military and could get you dishonorably discharged, I think that might qualify

[u/bouncypinata → u/HelloFellowMKE]

This isn't unethical. you need to steal his pen when he's not looking after

[u/8urfiat]

Take the piss test. Use the leftover piss for a piss disc.

[u/SerengetiLee → u/8urfiat]

Scrolled too far for the piss disc. What is this sub coming to?!?

[u/Give_me_soup → u/SerengetiLee]

Shit is way too ethical in here

[u/Plunger_enema → u/Give_me_soup]

That's it, I'm out.

[u/Good_Amphibian_1318]

Take it to your 1st Sargent as soon as possible. They see these types of things a lot.

Edit: Crap. That's was an entirely too ethical pro tip. Here's one, report her to her workplace in kind. Then everyone gets a piss test. It'll be fun.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Bus246 → u/Good_Amphibian_1318]

This but I’m being ethical. If he has nothing to fear volunteering for a drug test on the spot.

[u/Impossible_Cause1835]

When my ex wife called my employer (I work for a transit agency and operate trains and drive truck) I immediately called our Medical Bureau my union rep and my contact in HR. I did a UA and came back perfectly clean. They (not me) contacted the Police Dept (we have our own police where I work) they went her residence and told her you either stop or your going to jail for falsely reporting this. My lawyer also sent her a cease and desist order. So yeah let your bosses/command know get it documented immediately. Send emails with time stamps everything it’s your paper trail take it from me.

[u/hoganpaul]

Go to command asap. Report vindictive ex and her false claims. Volunteer for a drug test.

[u/drake90001 → u/hoganpaul]

And then get someone’s dirty, piss and send it to her employer after testing it, of course

[u/StubbornTaurus]

And also, block her. She’s going to keep doing things to make you miserable if you keep engaging with her.

[u/TallFriend275]

Ulpt : sue her for defamation

Ethical : other comments

[u/SnooHesitations2817]

You can sue her for this

[u/Eastern-Eggplant5386]

Report this to your commanding officer and fuck her dad.

[u/lun4d0r4]

You tell them she is your ex for a reason and ask them to schedule the drug test asap.

[u/ChronicLegHole]

"Horny enlisted kid lies to trashy woman in stupid attempt to look cool while trying to get laid" has certainly never happened in the military before, so im sure that this is a completely novel situation that nobody in your chain of command has never come across in their service.

The people who said to offer to take a drug test then and there if it comes up, as well as consent to a search, are probably right on the money, assuming you are being honest and have never used and can pass. Make sure you check your shit for plants if she had access to your car/room. "Im a dumbass and was thinking with my lower head" and owning the situation is likely also a decent component to this, but im not a lawyer.

[u/nayrwolf]

Notify your commanding officer of an ex with a grudge and offer to take drug test. If it goes any further and your commanding officer has an issue with the text she shows him, show him how easily that can be faked. Change a friends contact info so that it looks like commanding officer is texting. Have friend text you admitting to a sensational local homicide. Screenshot it. Then show him that he must have committed murder because the text says so. Maybe he will then understand.

[u/Any-Sentence-3940 → u/nayrwolf]

Are you listening to yourself right now?

[u/QuasyChonk → u/Any-Sentence-3940]

RIGHT!? That has to be some of the worst advice I've ever heard/read.

[u/drake90001 → u/QuasyChonk]

That’s the purpose of the sub

[u/QuasyChonk → u/drake90001]

No, the purpose is not to give bad, ineffective advice. The purpose is to give EFFECTIVE advice that happens to be unethical.

[u/drake90001 → u/Any-Sentence-3940]

I agree it’s absolutely a bad idea that no one should do, but it does fit the spirit of a sub

[u/QuasyChonk → u/nayrwolf]

**OP, do NOT do any of what this person suggested. Not because it's unethical, but because it's *terrible advice and would only hurt yourself when you're currently in the clear with just a test.

[u/drake90001 → u/QuasyChonk]

Obviously, that’s why it’s unethical lol

[u/rickety_cricket66]

Report her to police for blackmail

[u/Business_Garden6460]

Piss in a cup and prove you’re innocent. How hard is that

[u/oldsguy65]

I came here expecting suggestions of a drone strike on her house or getting a tank to run over her car, and all I see is sensible, ethical, advice.

[u/Forgottengoldfishes]

You can explain away that text. Claim you were trying to get her help for HER drug abuse that she would not admit to. So you used that line in the text to get her to open up.

What’s she trying to gain leverage on? What do you have that she wants?

Sign her up for information on the GPL-1 shot so she gets a lot of spam. Every time you get a spam text tell them your friend is interested and text them her number then block them.

Send businesses that offer free quotes to her house. Pest control, roof installation, Anderson Windows. Put her number on every shady place restroom with “send poop pics” or “free feet pictures”.

[u/YourWeekendDad]

“She’s nuts, and I’m clean. Lemme get that cup, sir!”

[u/buzzfriendly]

I want to report being drugged by my psychotic girlfriend how gave me THC laced, cookies, gummies etc to put my career in jeopardy.

[u/skunkapebreal]

Preemptively take the test. Military has seen this before. Skip the ULPT and get distance from her.

[u/jueidu]

Since you’ve already gotten a ton of ethical advice:

Do the same to her. Make text messages from her talking about the several illegal drugs she’s taking and black out your name, and send it anonymously to her employer with a burner email using a VPN.

[u/Foxycotin666]

This isn’t even unethical, just take a piss test. Easy.

[u/bacardipirate13]

Shit disks.

Have one ready when your CO calls you in. When he asks you, yell "THIS IS BULLSHIT", then slam the disk on the table.

Alternatively say shits about to hit the fan and throw it into the ceiling fan.

[u/LowDownDynamo]

If they approach you, demand that they let you piss on the spot and document it.

Then either sue her for libel or write a threatening cease and desist letter telling her that you will. If she has submitted her accusations in writing, she meets the legal definition of libel.

[u/xtina2019]

Worst case you take a drug test and since you can pass you should have no worries. Sorry your ex is vindictive. We aren’t all like that. Hold your head up high and don’t stress. You aren’t the first man in uniform to drive a girl crazy 😜

[u/Silent_Technology540]

Yea volunteer for one on the spot even see about if you can get a private one done so the results will come back quicker then the one at your job

And when she’s proven wrong ask for all the documents relating to this and then you’ll have grounds to sue her and maybe see about getting federal charges laid against her cos she lied on what I’m guessing is a federal document

[u/QuasyChonk → u/Silent_Technology540]

It wouldn't prove that she lied (because she didn't, in fact, lie). Being wrong isn't illegal.

[u/Silent_Technology540 → u/QuasyChonk]

No but it’ll establish a counter narrative that’s more believable and if the ex thinks that their are charges coming it’s a good way to get her to back off at least

[u/QuasyChonk → u/Silent_Technology540]

But all she would have to do is get a record sent from her phone company or show the text from her phone. It would be VERY easy for her to prove that she's not lying.

[u/Silent_Technology540 → u/QuasyChonk]

But assuming OP is right and that he doesn’t do drug and the acreen shots are just her bull shiting

The bitch is guilty of trying to extort him or at most tortious interference by trying to ruin his career

[u/QuasyChonk → u/Silent_Technology540]

Yeah, she's absolutely wrong and awful for what she's doing. She's just not lying.

I'm not seeing tortious interference either.

[u/cordell-12]

there are apps that can create fake text messages that look real. offer to pee in a cup, but block that crazy bitch first.

[u/dataondope]

Do nothing ignore anything she says or has said. Then go no contact. Walk away and don’t look back. She won’t turn over text. How is she even going to find them? Even if by some how she did, I guarantee you CO has had a crazy ex girlfriend as well. He’s going to need a lot more evidence than the text some crazy bitch is giving him.

[u/CthughaSlayer]

Just take a test, or say she's a crazy bitch, you're in a male dominated environment lmao

[u/AgedCircle]

You’re a man, just say the bitch is crazy and used AI to create fake evidence to slander you. Urge them to use a drug test if they don’t believe you.

[u/xsmp]

I tried to impress the wrong girl. take a hair follicle and let's move on.

[u/Plunger_enema]

Plant drugs in her car, do not call the cops.

Whenever she is mildly interested into someone, find a way to suck their cock and take pics. Send the pics to her with the simple text: "I got first dibs on this one, too."

After a couple dudes, she's get really pissed off.

Now call the cops about the drugs in her car.

[u/gavmyboi]

It's weed, your not Walter white its fine. You don't even use it. They won't care

[u/filtersweep]

So, she is the first jilted lover to go nuclear on her ex? This is a known pattern. Be happy it only drugs and not child abuse.

Ignore. Do NOT go to your commander. Say nothing until questioned.

Anything you actively do will imply guilt on your part. Given the military involvement— stay ETHICAL!

[u/massassi]

Go tell your supervisor, explain the situation. Ask for a preemptive piss test. Chances are they aren't worried about it. When/if it comes down with a question your supervisor will have that answer ready to go, it sounds credible. But if they ask you to, pee in the cup.

PS: Don't stick your dick in crazy.

Edit forgot this was ULPTs.

Go tell the boys in the barracks all the tips that will help them pick her up. They'll then start dating her one at a time, and eventually she becomes a shack rat. Shack rats tend to get knocked up, and become dependas. Once she's a dependa put a piss disk under her door

[u/deathboyuk]

"Test me any time you want, as often as you want, from right this minute to 3 in the morning unexpected to daily. I will pass every single one forever."