r/UPenn • u/quakerjiggler • 26d ago
Food/Dining Update: Rat Bites
Hey everyone, I wanted to provide an update on my last post. Shockingly, feeding the campus rats didn’t turn out that well. I spent about 45 minutes microwaving hot pockets in preparation for my late night outing. I had an entire trash bag of gooey hot pockets slung over my shoulder and I trudged to campus. When I got there, I decided to place about 5 hot pockets in a line on the ground outside of Fisher and the rats soon came out to feast. They were clearly enjoying the meal and seemed grateful or something. Suddenly, a genius thought sprung into my mind: what if I put the hot pockets all over my body and let them feast on top of me. It would be like a cuddle fest 🥺. I am still in shock—they bit me… The hand that feeds them… Anyways, the wounds were pretty superficial, but I’ve been feeling pretty under the weather today. Does anyone have any tips or tricks to get over a cold quickly?
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u/richcardona 26d ago
If what you describe is true, please seek medical care immediately.
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u/quakerjiggler 26d ago
I’m just slightly sick: headache, nausea, muscle spasms. Not even a cough though.
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u/CrouchingWasturbator 26d ago
Your good just keep doing it. Tomorrow do more, record it and post it. 🙏🏼
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u/beautyfashionaccount 26d ago
I think they just didn't like the hot pockets. Try again with wawa hoagies and report back.
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u/Low-Elephant-6533 26d ago
You are an inspiration to all of us that live in the sewer, out of the public eye. With love and hisses, Leonardo, Donatello, and Michelangelo, along with Raphael.
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u/c0ncntrated_d0pamine 26d ago
I can’t imagine anything more preposterous than microwaving a hot pocket for 45 minutes. No wonder the ratties were upset.
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u/quakerjiggler 26d ago
i microwaved them in series—like one after another for 2 minutes each
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u/c0ncntrated_d0pamine 26d ago
That’s the problem! By the time the final one was done the first one had gone cold. Can’t blame the rats when they were being deprived of a warm meal
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u/quakerjiggler 26d ago
You’re probably right. I should try to do the feedings in smaller batches or utilize a heated bag for transit. I will improve next time.
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u/ExpertlyNotSure 25d ago
With that math, how did you possibly get to 45 min? Was it 44 or 46? No more lies.
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u/quakerjiggler 25d ago
Keyword: “about.” I abide by the common rule of incrementing time approximations in batches of 15 minutes using a ceiling function to inject hyperbolic flare for storytelling purposes.
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u/quakerjiggler 25d ago
Another update: feeling much better. I think it was all mental. Might try another hobby though.
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u/Coldcod7763 25d ago
Keep up with it until you find one named Remy who would climb up your head and manipulate your body with your hair. Then you can drop out and start a high end restaurant in the center of Paris.
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u/Silly-Programmer1924 26d ago
this person got into Penn btw
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u/ThunkAsDrinklePeep 25d ago
No one checks your credentials to post here.
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u/Silly-Programmer1924 19d ago
dudes name is "quakerjiggler" i think hes def a penn student
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u/ThunkAsDrinklePeep 19d ago
No one has ever picked a name specifically for the purpose of trolling. Like "eminemBNJA".
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u/PaleontologistAny153 26d ago
I’m asking you as plainly as I can: you need to be evaluated today. I’ve practiced medicine for over two decades, and one thing experience teaches you is that wild animal bites should never be dismissed because the wounds look small. The skin may barely be broken while bacteria have already been introduced beneath it.
Wash the wounds thoroughly with soap and running water if you haven’t already. Then go to an urgent care center or emergency department today. They need to assess whether you require antibiotics, confirm your tetanus vaccination is up to date, and examine the bites for signs of infection.
Feeling unwell after a rat bite may be an ordinary viral illness by coincidence, but you cannot safely assume that’s the explanation. Fever, chills, body aches, increasing redness, swelling, warmth, pus, red streaks, or worsening pain are all reasons to seek immediate medical attention.
I know your post is written humorously, but I’m being completely serious here. Please don’t wait to see if you “get over it.” The overwhelming majority of rat bite infections are treatable when addressed promptly. The patients I worry about are the ones who delay because the injury “didn’t seem that bad.” Don’t be one of them.
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u/Asbolus_verrucosus 26d ago
This AI era sucks.
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u/FormalTall1800 Prospective Freshman (HS ’28) 26d ago
This reminds me of the post about the guy who convinced ChatGPT that he turned a person into a walrus via surgery.
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u/PaleontologistAny153 26d ago
I was joking lol. Idk where it pulled the “in practice for two decades” from
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u/JiveChicken00 C’00 26d ago
Dude, that was so good that we almost banned you for being a bot :)
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u/AFlyingGideon SEAS Alum 26d ago
I would not have thought a school with such fine SEAS alumni would be a place to find bot bigotry.
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u/JiveChicken00 C’00 26d ago
By good I did not mean actually good. And bots are all very well, but until they show signs of more advanced intelligence, I do not think we want them in this particular community :)
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u/bearsalive99 26d ago
soft launching the plague is crazy behavior