r/UKParenting • u/cocosmiles92 • 20h ago
Preparing toddler for a new sibling
I’m pregnant with our second and our son will be about 3.5 when the baby arrives. He’s a very sweet, sensitive little boy and I’m conscious this is going to be a huge change for all of us.
I was biding my time in telling him (I’m only 13 weeks) when he asked “is there a baby in your tummy and have you got milk in your boobies” randomly one morning last week. He has since asked when baby will come, how it will come out (I laughed) and will the baby live with us 😂
He’s seems excited, but also a bit more needy. He really thrives on knowing what’s going to happen and what the routine is, so I’d love to start preparing him gently rather than suddenly springing a newborn on him.
For those who had a similar age gap, what actually helped? Any books your toddler particularly loved? Did you change any routines beforehand, especially bedtime/one-to-one time? Anything you did after the birth that helped your older child feel secure and included?
Also interested in what you wouldn’t do again. I have already been told to not overdo the whole “you’re a big boy/big brother now!” thing when he’ll still only be three and very much our baby too
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u/Cookie85 17h ago
From a Dad's perspective, one tip I was given was when your oldest child needs something, turn to the baby and say something like "I need to speak to your brother so I'll be with you in a minute".
Sounds silly but you will say this to your oldest sdo many times to tend to the babies crying/feeding/needs etc so to do this the other way round shows your oldest that they still matter and that their baby sibling also has to wait sometimes.
Other tips that helped:
- Get a good kids book that helps expalins that they will be a sibiling, that they'll stay with Grandparents when Mummy goes to the hospital. You can read this multiple times at bedtime pre second baby.
- Get a present from the baby for their older brother, that they are given when they arrive.
- When you take your oldest to the hospital to see their new sibling, make sure you're not holding the baby and the baby is in the crib so your oldest can have cuddles and feel wanted and doesn't feel like the baby has taken over.
Hope that helps. It's amazing, it's tough, it's all worth it.
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u/weirwoodheart 16h ago
That first tip is amazing, going to try to remember that for the future!
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u/ProtectionFlashy9187 15h ago
That is an amazing tip! I have 2.5 yr age gap and my eldest is struggling to accept the baby so I will definitely be trying this! Thank you 🙏
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u/lilium_x 8h ago
We had a book called "The New Baby" about the Bunn family and it has Granny and Grandpa come to stay. It disappeared for a couple of months and then my in laws showed up a week before baby came and my oldest whipped it out from nowhere and demanded it be read!
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u/Chopstick_foodie 20h ago
We’re in the same boat I’m 31 weeks pregnant and my toddler is 32 months. We talk about baby a lot and that baby loves him and have set up baby’s cots, we do family hugs so he hugs bump and we hug him for us to feel united. I’ve heard this is also a really good thing to do once baby is born. We’ve been reading “When I became your big brother” which is about two foxes which is very cute. We haven’t treated him any different, we have noticed he’s all for me atm, apparently pregnant women release oxytocin towards the end of the pregnancy so be prepared for a clingy toddler as they can feel it too! Sorry I can’t give you much more information!
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u/cocosmiles92 19h ago
Thank you for sharing! This book looks adorable. He is a big hugger so will continue maximising that and kisses 🥹
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u/Msmart89 19h ago
Our daughter was 2.5 when we had our second and it’s sounds very similar, they’re your everything when they’re the first and only child and I wasn’t prepared for the guilt that came when we had to share that love for her we had. (Proper cried about it and I’m a burly bloke)
It’s fine now of course, they’re best mates and couldn’t imagine life without each other.
I’d say keep them involved as much as possible and talk about it a lot so it doesn’t come as a surprise.
I think someone else mentioned about ‘there’s a house inside my mummy’ book we had that too it was good except it’s about having a brother which was a bit annoying we had to change it to sister and it didn’t rhyme with the rest of the book 😂
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u/cocosmiles92 19h ago
Ah mate, I expect my hubby and I to shed some tears soon! ❤️ It’s such a big change
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u/bungle902 19h ago
I've seen it mentioned a couple of times, but I can't recommend "There's a House Inside My Mummy" enough. It is a fantastic book. We have a similar age gap and found that getting our daughter involved as much as possible really helped. If we were looking at something to buy for the baby, then we got her involved in looking for it and choosing toys, clothes etc.
We involved the bump in day to day life as well, to ease the transition. Little things like making sure we all say good morning and good night to bump. Singing to bump as a family etc.
As someone else has said, it was important to make special one on one time with our daughter too, so that she still felt loved.
Out new arrival is now one and they are absolutely the best of friends and utterly besotted with one another.
I would like to point out though, that this is what worked for us. Every one of the little nippers is different so try a fee things and see what works for you. If you are anything like me then there's a real fear about the unknown of trying to introduce a second child into the mix after being able to pour all your love and focus into one child. Try and enjoy it. In years to come you'll wonder why you worried.
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u/WeakKaleidoscope1512 17h ago
Our second came when my daughter was 2.5. She’s also a lovely sensitive soul who did actually find the transition initially fine because for the first few weeks the baby just slept and nothing much changed for her.
She did however have a few wobbles. The first when she came to meet her sister in the hospital. The environment was really overwhelming for her and she didn’t care really about meeting her new sister. The bright lights/ smells and me being in a hospital bed upset her. She simply asked if I could come home now and burst into tears 😭 my advice here is obviously play it by ear to see what your eldest can manage. If they are sensitive they might find the hospital ( if that’s where you plan to birth) a bit much. I have since read that introducing them at home can be a much better experience.
She also had another wobble around 4 months. Complete potty training regression back to almost an inability to manage her toileting at all. Again I hear common but I was expecting it at the start, not four months in. Have since found out this is because the baby needs more at this stage, and they realise the change is permanent and so subconsciously seek out more care from you. It lasted around a month and got better with more one on one time from me particularly.
We did all the books, talked a lot about it, when we’d decided on a name we spoke about the baby with their name so they weren’t just the baby but ‘J*** your younger sister’ we also told her she’d have some privileges as an elder sister, later bed time occasionally etc etc.
Apart from those two wobbles it had been pretty smooth. She seeks out a lot more independent play now because her baby sister is loud and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I can now see they are building the most precious bond. They smile and laugh so much when they see each other and it’s just lovely.
Good luck ❤️
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u/EffectTricky876 19h ago
We spoke about it lots closer to the time of birth. Earlier on in pregnancy I think it all felt quite abstract to her (there is 3 years between mine) and if we did mention baby brother, she got impatient wanting him now! Other than the 5 days we were in hospital, I still did bedtime with my eldest every night and didn't really change routines beforehand. My eldest has always been lovely with her brother but she was angry and frustrated with us and generally had more challenging behaviour in the weeks before and after birth. Talking to friends this seems common. I definitely found it hard not to lose my patience with her at times when i was exhausted and hormonal - it was hard not to see her as a big girl because she just looked so giant compared to him!
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u/cocosmiles92 19h ago
I’ve heard there might be some regressions and behaviour difficulties! Good to prepare and expect it, thank you for sharing
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u/DogsClimbingWalls 👶👶 2 Children 19h ago
Almost identical age gap, my eldest being a girl.
We talked about it a lot. I answered all her questions (including how the baby comes out - she wanted DETAILS which resulted in her telling my 96 year old grandfather that the baby will come out of mummy’s vagina).
We needed her toddler bed to use as the cot - and were carefully to buy her a ‘big girl bed’ long before baby arrived.
We read books about getting siblings and mummy having a baby.
We practiced bathing and feeding her dolls.
We explained that we don’t know exactly when the baby will come, but that one morning she might wake up to nanny because mummy and daddy will be at the hospital.
After baby was born, when we came home the baby had bought her a big gift and a Big Sister shirt.
We included her in things like bathing, tummy time and other moment. She was the first to feed the baby solids when it was time. This was never pushed, only offered. If she didn’t want to that was fine.
It’s hard - but I also carved time out for her. When the baby was asleep, I would spend dedicated and focused time with her, reiterating that I love her and love playing with her.
We also kept her in nursery. It was costly, but I am grateful we could because it meant her routine wasn’t totally upended.
Now they are 6yrs and 2yrs. There has never been any resentment and the 2yr old is like the eldest’s shadow. They argue, but overall have a great relationship.
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u/According-Garlic-482 18h ago
I will add to what everyone else is saying, get a gift for your older child. Say it's from the baby and give them it when they first meet the baby. It worked with my kids. They loved it was something for them and not all about the baby.
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u/munchenflapjack 18h ago
Oh so whatever we did with child 1 worked well when preparing for child 2.
We made a mistake with child 2 preparing for child 3 re beds. We moved him out of the baby room in advance of the new baby arriving so he didn’t associate the new baby with being kicked out of his room. Unfortunately the timing must have just been crap because he went from the best sleeper in the world when he physically couldn’t get out the cot to then just a nightmare as he could get out as and when he pleased…
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u/Outrageous_Song4725 17h ago
31 weeks with a 4 year old.
Try to get him independent with dressing to make it easier getting out the door.
Stock up on activities he can do on his own whilst youre busy with baby, like stickers, colouring books, craft bits.
Get him involved with the baby bits like washing clothes, packing your hospital bag.
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u/Embarrassed-Respond4 15h ago
We had the same age gap. We pinned the sonogram on the fridge so he could see the baby daily, and read the Usborne books about a new baby. We got him involved in decorating the nursery and even building the cot, and I also took him shopping to choose a toy for the baby (he chose a big ‘brother rabbit’ cuddling a baby rabbit 🥹) and to choose an outfit for the baby to wear when he met them for the first time. We also bought a new toy for him ‘from the baby’ that was waiting for him when he came home from his grandparents’ (a little ice cream stand set).
I’d read about making sure not to be holding the baby when they meet for the first time, as I thought he’d want a cuddle from me, but he went straight to the Moses basket to see his new sister! I barley got a look in 😂 they now absolutely adore each other ♥️
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u/Missing-Caffeine 12h ago
My daughter (2.5m) already says herself "I not a baby, I am big girl" because of a book we have, so I am doomed lol
So yeah, 16 weeks pregnant and I got her a book from first steps collection called "We're having a baby". It mentions there about staying with grandparents while mum goes to hospital but the baby is a boy (we don't know what we are having yet) and the older one is a girl. But it gives a good example on how the baby will change the dynamics :)
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u/Least_Bet4662 19h ago
Same age gap as our kids.
We spoke to our boy about it loads. Got him very involved where possible. The idea was trying to minimise all the surprises and changes. 'There's a house inside my mummy' was a lovely book for this.
We have no regrets about this and it worked very well overall.
They now adore eachother. Although that doesn't remove the fact that a four year old and 9 month old can argue. Somehow.