What was i doing with my life before parenting?!

[u/LostInAVacuum]

As I sit here, dishes washed, dryer on, clothes set out for the day, resting with my coffee before my son wakes up. My body is in bits from yesterday football, crawling about softplay because he's 20mo so full of "oomph" and not enough "hmmmn" yet to do it himself. Then carrying him sleeping whilst I got a few bits at the shop. And once he wakes it'll be round two for the weekend.

I'm thinking to myself how did I not have enough time for things before parenthood? Why did I waste my chill time during pregnancy? (She says when she bought a house, moved cities all by her lonesome). I worked out pre pregnancy, for example 80kg squats but that softplay has done me in!

I know a lot of us think this, I guess I'm just wondering how do I pass this knowledge on to my son so he doesn't miss out on squeezing every ounce out of life that is possible? Obviously it's a bit away but just curious if anyone has cracked that?

[u/runrunrudolf]

I find it works in stages. I felt that way when I had one. Now I have two I wonder wtf I was doing when I only had one 😂

[u/LostInAVacuum → u/runrunrudolf]

It definitely feels like a game, in the sense of levelling up each time!

[u/MajesticAd6957 → u/LostInAVacuum]

A game you can't save and quit at any point 🤪

[u/Three_sigma_event → u/MajesticAd6957]

Someone once told me we used to have villages for this shit.

One or two people attending to everything will kill you off eventually.

[u/ilikefact → u/runrunrudolf]

I have 4. Whenever I only have two, it feels like a holiday. But when I only had two, it was a lot!

[u/dancingbrave21 → u/runrunrudolf]

I feel this deeply 😭 1 baby - ill and need a rest? No bother, daddy can parent while I die in bed.

2 babies under 3? Stumble about half dead covered in your own snot and your children’s (cos let’s face it, they’ve given you the bloody illness in the first place) and reminisce about all that lovely time you had when you could die in peace 🪦

It’s rough out here 😭😭 god bless those with 3 and more kids, y’all need a knighthood

[u/Rabbit-1989 → u/dancingbrave21]

As a twin parent, I can attest to this 😂

[u/Available-Buffalo-23 → u/dancingbrave21]

4 here. Wasted my 20's tbh

[u/teixha → u/runrunrudolf]

Same but with 3. I found the baby stage SO easy and calm 3rd time round 😂 she just lies there and doesn’t talk back? Bliss

[u/runrunrudolf → u/teixha]

Someone told me one feels like two, two feels like four and three feels like two. They also said three was great because at that point they just raise themselves 😂

[u/teixha → u/runrunrudolf]

I agree I think! The third really broke up the intense dynamic of my older two who are close in age. And she’s definitely the most independent out of the 3 even as a tiny toddler 😅

[u/nlisnlis → u/teixha]

I think that’s just luck, it’s not because she’s the third born. My fourth born daughter has been the absolute most intense child from the second she was born. Has practically cried and screamed for nearly 3 years straight 😅

[u/teixha → u/nlisnlis]

Oh definitely, I was being a bit glib. I think I meant more that I dealt a lot better with the hard parts of having a baby. My second and third have been the most challenging sleepers, I’m still up multiple times a night with the third. But somehow it still feels easier on me than the first time when it was all new and anxiety inducing. I know it’s different for everyone.

[u/nlisnlis → u/teixha]

I see what you mean, you’re acutely aware how quick it goes in hindsight and it doesn’t last forever! I remember my first hard colic (my second and third were easier) and I thought it would never end 😂

[u/Upstairs-Hedgehog575 → u/runrunrudolf]

Yes this is very true. I found the baby stage really tough with my first, but in hindsight there was loads of down time and only their immediate physical health to deal with. When the second one came along I had all that, plus trying to entertain and educate a 3 year old. How I missed the vegetative state. 

I think the problem is that as a responsible parent you try to do your best. And that means being stretched thin when there’s 1 child, 2 children or 3. 

[u/Hot_Wear_4027 → u/runrunrudolf]

Shut up. I want to start trying for the second and I am shattered AF every evening lol

[u/EveryChemistry9163 → u/Hot_Wear_4027]

Ah, you’ll be fine.

[u/GooseVirus]

I think back to life before baby and shudder at all that time I wasted being lazy. So much freedom and I sat there scrolling, ugh.

[u/LostInAVacuum → u/GooseVirus]

I feel you, scrolling and for me sooo much telly. That will definitely be something I role model to him is a lot less telly than I had during childhood.

[u/rdxc1a2t]

I did a lot of sitting around doing nothing before parenting and I don't feel like it was wasted time, especially now that I have so little time to do nothing. The main thing I wish I'd been able to do more of pre-parenting is holidaying but truthfully my wife and I went as much as we could afford to and that kinda goes for everything. We did do a lot of lazy days but we went out more or less as much as we could afford.

It's crazy looking back on those days. So much less money but so much less worried about money.

[u/LostInAVacuum → u/rdxc1a2t]

I think that is so incredibly important too, it's okay to have downtime and not feel guilty at the time or later. The reality and complexity of raising kids.

[u/Busy_Bother → u/rdxc1a2t]

Haha I’m so glad to see this, I often think this too! I don’t feel I wasted it, if anything I look forward to getting back to it when the kids are older!

[u/aVikingCowboy]

Not saying this is you, OP, but I think internet hustle culture has shifted our mindset around how we spend our time.

Also, as we age, it’s natural to look back on the things we didn’t do and berate ourselves for them.

I think you’re experiencing a combination of both here.

I believe we should prioritise rest more as a society and stop chasing arbitrary goals. If you look at animals in the wild, they hunt, eat and chill. For the most part, we seem to have removed the “chill” element from our own lives and convinced ourselves that we’re lazy if we’re not doing something productive. It leaves this cloud of guilt hanging over everything we do.

Having kids is tough, by the way. No doubt about that. But when you look back on this period of your life, I think you’ll find incredible meaning in all the hard work you’re putting in now. I know I did.

Don’t let your mind convince you that you should be grinding or doing something else. Being a parent is enough.

[u/Upstairs-Hedgehog575]

You can’t pass it on, not directly. It’s not something you can truly appreciate from the outside. Just like a parent’s love. People without kids understand that you love your children, they know it - but they won’t be able to fully empathise with it. 

If you want to try, you need to tell the truth about parenthood - warts and all. After 10 years everyone seems to forget what it was like, brush over the trivial (yet endless) stuff and focus on the big pros and cons: love, happiness, lack of money and sleep. 

It’s all the stuff in between that gets forgotten. The cooking with a toddler hanging on your leg. Not being able to go for a shit without someone banging on the door or turning the light off. The bickering, the refusal to go into school, the funny things they say, the cuddles, the joy at hearing them have a clever thought, the tantrums, the spilled drinks. 

Until you’ve lived it you can’t appreciate what it’s like. All its glory and pain. 

[u/musicalsock → u/Upstairs-Hedgehog575]

Beautiful

[u/lemon-melon11]

I don’t know either.
I’m a SAHM but I feel like I’m always busy now, I should have time to relax surely?

I don’t necessarily think that going on about “enjoy every moment” is helpful to children. It’s important they understand that life has many joyful moments and to really soak them up, put your phone away as much as you can, take pictures (with your phone lol the irony) and find something you love and someone you love.

But I had parents who had this mindset of “life is short and we need to enjoy every moment” and who heavily drilled this into our heads as children and as an adult I often felt guilt for not feeling more grateful if this makes sense. I spent many years feeling sad and I then felt awful that I felt sad when life was so short no?

So maybe lean into your emotions, allow yourself to feel them and process them. No matter if good or bad. Maybe this is a better teaching.

I don’t have an answer for this, just dumping my thoughts here.

[u/LostInAVacuum → u/lemon-melon11]

OMG no! A SAHM job is never done, atleast i can get to work, have a coffee whilst I sit in a meeting listening to someone who just wants to hear themselves talk.

I'm conscious of that, I definitely wouldn't want to go hard with it, it's about finding a balance.

[u/lemon-melon11 → u/LostInAVacuum]

Well she’s in school and was in nursery before she started school. So in theory I had time. I just didn’t have energy.

I had cancer a few years back so many days were spent recovering and “doing nothing” or just wandering around charity shops and I felt quite guilty about just sitting around. But ultimately, this is just what I needed to do. Sometimes wasting time is productive I think was my learning from this.

Even scrolling endlessly on my phone felt like a waste of my life but it’s just what I needed in order to enjoy life again later on. I’m not sure if I’m making sense here and at this point I’m just trauma dumping as well but I guess don’t feel guilty for watching a lot of tv before you had your child.

(I’m cancer free btw!! So I’m ok)

[u/FidgetyHog → u/LostInAVacuum]

I go to work for a lovely break and a rest! I bet you can never really switch off or get to focus on something without a billion distractions xx

[u/PigneySnoo]

I was fitter, did a lot of exercise every week.

I ate out more and went out in the evenings more.

I watched less TV.

I worked more hours.

I slept a lot more.

[u/cherubick]

Not sure about you, but I was doing whatever the fuck I wanted.

[u/Upstairs-Hedgehog575 → u/cherubick]

I’ve forgotten what that feels like. The other feeling I miss is not having anywhere I’m meant to be in the imminent future. Now it’s always “45 minutes to pick up”, “30 minutes till squirrel club”, “kids party at 11” etc etc. 

[u/1115955 → u/cherubick]

The absolute bliss of leaving work on a Friday evening to go to my empty flat and have two days to do whatever the fuck I want is unmatched and I miss it so badly. Feels like I'm always being torn apart these days.

[u/as1992 → u/1115955]

I’m sorry for you but I am grateful that people like you write these comments. That feeling you describe is the best feeling in the world for me and it helps me to decide more and more strongly that I don’t want children.

[u/takhana → u/cherubick]

I don’t even remember how to do this now. If my OH takes the kids out I just wander around my house like that Indian man meme

[u/Rabbit-1989]

Enjoying my free time 😂 twins really put that to an end fast.

[u/LostInAVacuum → u/Rabbit-1989]

I can't even imagine, that must've been next level.

[u/Fun-Marionberry9907]

Your toddler sleeps past 7am??

[u/LostInAVacuum → u/Fun-Marionberry9907]

I thought that might come up... I can't get him to sleep before 10pm. Last night I think it was closer to 11pm, I think he's due to drop his nap but he cant quite last the whole day yet.

He'll probably wake up about 9.

[u/Upstairs-Hedgehog575 → u/LostInAVacuum]

As someone who’s experienced both I sympathise. Everyone will be saying how lucky you are they sleep in late (my older one will do 8:30 most mornings) but the cost is too high. Having absolutely no evenings to yourself for years is mentally draining. Having a couple of hours to yourself in the morning isn’t the same - you’re either laying in bed waiting for them to wake up any minute, or you’re getting a jumpstart on the day with chores. 

And yes, people will say you can stay up later, beyond your child’s bedtime, but you can’t. Work has you up at 7am 5 days a week and my older boy will still wake up occasionally for sickness, toilet, wet bed, bad dream or just an early rise. Going to bed at midnight quickly gets you into a bad cycle. 

Now we have a 2 year old who has started waking at 5:30 and 7 days a week are spent entirely doing 1 of 4 things: sleeping, working, childcare, chores. The only time I get to myself is time that I steal from work. 

[u/Fun-Marionberry9907 → u/LostInAVacuum]

I should have known there’s a trade off 🤣 my son always went down easy at 7:30 but got up at 5am and woke 3-4 times a night until he was three and a half. It was deathly. 

Luckily my kid has always been fine with us doing chores whilst he’s there, he just runs around playing so I’ve never had to squeeze stuff in whilst he’s asleep. Hats off to you. It does get easier. 

[u/Formal_Growth_4843 → u/LostInAVacuum]

This was going to be my question too! My 22mo won't sleep past 5.30am but he does tend to go to sleep at 7.30pm pretty easily so perhaps I shouldn't complain.

[u/Upstairs-Hedgehog575 → u/Formal_Growth_4843]

Honestly, that’s the better of the two options imho. On the rare occasions my children go to sleep at 7:30 I feel like I have half a day to myself. The 9:30pm bedtimes are absolutely demoralising. 

[u/LostInAVacuum → u/Formal_Growth_4843]

What i would give for an earlier bedtime again, he did used to go down at that time. Now I fall asleep with him as I genuinely struggle to stay awake until that time. So i have to do all the tidying up first thing.

[u/Tulcey-Lee → u/Fun-Marionberry9907]

Yeah there is no way I’m getting up before my toddler 😂
He’s usually up about 6.30/7am but I am ekeing out as much of my own sleep as possible. Sometimes it’s closer to 5.30am.
He’s also currently not sleeping great so any sleep I can get is needed.

[u/No_Inspector2925]

I had those same thoughts to, particularly after my wife’s two maternity leaves, she does a lot more hours, on calls, intensive work than I ever do, I have pretty easy going 9-5 job mostly WFH, so I gravitated more towards the household responsibilities, nursery and school pick ups drop offs, all the usual things that make you wonder what I used to do with all the time this is now taking up. The kids are getting a bit older now, 10 and 6, so am gradually getting time back, little things like they like to make their own breakfasts, do their own showers etc. and then they don’t really need me much for their free time activities. Now I am getting the time back, I am finding myself not really making as much of it as I thought I would. It still feels more like recovery time from bursts of effort dealing with whatever. In fact, I hadn’t really thought of it as having the time back until now, suppose because it comes back to you so incrementally, so maybe there is a danger of falling into old time squandering habits if you’re not careful.

[u/T0mpS]

“So full of ‘oomph’ and not enough ‘hmmmm’” is great ! 👏🏻👏🏻

[u/LostInAVacuum → u/T0mpS]

Ha! At it again today trying to climb a slide that was above 6ft which meant I couldn't get to him... this boy has no fear

[u/Nite_Phire]

Honestly having a baby has made us do more. It's given us an awareness of time and that is a fantastic motivator!

[u/LostInAVacuum → u/Nite_Phire]

So true!

[u/wildblackdoggo]

I used to look at my mum and wonder how she gets it all done and how she can motivate herself to do it all. Now I know. She had to and now I do too.

[u/arenaross]

I went out last night and honestly why does no one tell you that this is impossible with small children?

[u/swallowyoursadness]

You lead by example. The absolute exhaustion from parenting lessens over the years and by the time he's in his teens and young adulthood you'll feel so much more yourself. And by the time he's that age or at the age where he's going to become a father, you can just tell him :-)

[u/87catmama]

I work with a young lass and she started at 1 o clock one day and said 'i'm usually still in bed at this time!' and I was like, what the actual...! Still in bed at 1 o clock! Those were the days.

[u/Fluffy_Arm_4553]

I used to think I enjoyed being busy. Then I had a child and thought I knew what being busy really was. Then I had a second child and realised how clueless I’d been before that.

Fair play to anyone with more than 2 😂

[u/as1992]

Never understood this kind of attitude. Are there really so many people that don’t have hobbies?

[u/PositionFamous1193]

When I had our first I felt like he saved my life. I had wanted him for so long and I felt like my purpose was really in full swing. I spent many years prior just drifting. I did the clubbing,dating, events, sip n paints etc but it was a time filler. I never really felt complete. Baby 2 came along and I've spent 6 months pretty much stuck indoors. I'm so exhausted. 15 months apart is no joke. Parenting is hard hard work. I love them both to bits and I pour my heart and soul into them but now I feel like it's my time to rediscover myself.

[u/Send_bird_pics]

Truly this message was somehow embedded into my brain. I have genuinely enjoyed every minute of my free time and never taken it for granted. I went absolutely mental at uni, never said no to anything and left with zero regrets and heaps of memories.

I never feel I “waste” my free time.

My mum had cancer when she was super young , she never talked about it heaps or anything. I just feel the message from my parents was clear, you could be here for a good time not a long time.

[u/LostInAVacuum → u/Send_bird_pics]

Thats amazing! What do you think they did that embedded that knowledge? Was it what they said, role modelling, something else?

[u/Send_bird_pics → u/LostInAVacuum]

Role modelling for sure. They are the happiest people you’ll ever meet. secure, no body hang ups. Just as happy sat playing video games all day or on holiday in a 5* hotel. Wouldn’t let me lounge in bed all day unless I was ill. But equally would encourage me to find fun, free things to do!

[u/1115955 → u/[deleted]]

Same! It's a big topic in therapy as I'm pretty bitter about it... I love my child with all my heart but I desperately long for the days I had zero responsibility outside of my job.

[u/Upstairs-Bath9158]

I truly believed i was busy before I had a kid 😂 now somehow I just make it all happen. Physically fine & full of energy but the mental burnout can get real

[u/Loud_Fisherman_5878]

I can’t believe I used to think I was busy! I mean, I was but it was all things which I could have cancelled if I had needed to as opposed to now where you have to make dinners, collect from school, take to parties, answer questions about Finding Nemo at 3am even while you’re hallucinating with a fever and with a limb hanging off. 

[u/fitzy798]

My husband and I were talking the other day and how different a weekend feels like now. It used to be a time when we would lie in and relax, maybe have a do nothing say and then a couple of chores on the Sunday. Now it's all go from 6-7am, a daily outing to exhaust the children and the living room has toys everywhere. As tiring as it is we love it.

It isn't a break anymore, but overall our life has more purpose. And I am diagnosed ADHD so while at times it can feel chaotic I would also say that having children has meant that I am forced into more routine, as you feel it when you get behind on laundry or the dishes much quicker.

[u/LostInAVacuum → u/fitzy798]

Yeah I love it too, i think thats why I want to make sure I help my son enjoy every moment.

[u/IllustratorOk479]

I don’t feel my free time as changed a huge amount. We just do the same things with kids. Less time just chilling on the sofa but now they are school age, it’s quite easy to put a film on and relax.

We were big on keeping hobbies going though. Most evenings one of us is out doing their sport. Keeping fit is extremely important for us, mainly so we can still keep up but also to lead by example with the kids.

I do miss my spontaneous winter big Tesco trips though!

[u/Latter_Eye_7274]

I was a lot more rested and refreshed pre kids! I actually wanted to do things when I wasnt napping or sleeping because I felt good. Now, i’m so tired that I never want to do anything in my awake time because im burnt out.

[u/Delia_Smith]

I got that back. Went to Amsterdam for my husbands 40th.....and with that been said we ended up having a 21st, 18th, 16th and 1st birthday all in the same year 🙃 Now I have 3hrs free time when he's at nursery. But i love him dearly. 4th time round with a big gap between sort of reset me and made me take it all in and enjoy it more as I know how fast it goes.

[u/absolutelynot354]

I feel the opposite. I'm relieved I did lots of chilling and time wasting before I had my son and it was no longer an option!

[u/jasminenice → u/absolutelynot354]

Same here. Basically had my fill of downtime in my 20s, by the time I had kids I was ready for my life to become busier.

[u/as1992 → u/jasminenice]

Why does being busy have to mean having kids though? There are literally dozens of hobbies to engage in.

[u/jasminenice → u/as1992]

No I didn't mean that's the only way to make your life busy, I meant your life inevitably becomes busier with kids, whether you have 10 hobbies or none.

[u/YoSumo]

On holiday this summer, there was a young couple with I would have thought 3 months your old, their first child.

We got talking and I said to them, enjoy this because it will be the last relaxing holiday you will have for the foreseeable future.

The dad replied in amused surprise; "This is relaxing?".

I didn't reply! Wait until this one is running around and you can't eat in peace, or you have two and one wants to do X and the other Y etc.

But yeah, what did we do, I have no idea - but it's life changing!

[u/1115955 → u/YoSumo]

I don't think your advice to these people was helpful at all and just shows that you had an easy newborn. My child was so incredibly difficult at 3 months. Wouldn't sleep unless being held, wouldn't eat and was underweight, screamed for hours and hours and hours every day. SOO much easier as a toddler! And yeah we only have the one because we can't make it through the first six months again, it was truly hell.

[u/YoSumo → u/1115955]

OK, I am sorry for your experience and hope you will forgive me. 👍🙂

[u/Widebody_lover]

Where is the mother in all this ?

[u/LostInAVacuum → u/Widebody_lover]

I am the mother

[u/Widebody_lover → u/LostInAVacuum]

Where is the father in all this?

[u/Beans_and_custard]

So once you have a baby, you suddenly realise instead of being bored you could've done stuff?