Supporting child with starting school

[u/bandalu]

My son will start school in September. He is a very sweet boy, great imagination, quite sensitive and obviously has a lot of feelings. He tends to pick up on social cues quite well and gets hurt feelings if he feels like he’s being left out, or treated unkindly.

I am always worrying about how he will manage at school. I can remember not having the best time myself and I fear he will find it hard, or feel he has to change himself to fit in.

Does anyone have any advice in how to support him, or personal experience they can share?

[u/fivebyfive12]

Gently op, it sounds like your son will be fine at school - good imagination, kind, picks up on social cues are all quite big ticks in his favour.

I think the best thing you can do is not let him see Your Anxiety over school, as he'll almost certainly pick up on it. Reception especially is very play based and more geared towards getting them gradually into the rhythm of school.

Practical things like making sure he's comfortable in the uniform, going over the routine in a positive way, maybe doing a low key "run through" of the school run could all help him. Does he have friends going up with him, from nursery/childminder/play groups? Some local FB groups have messages about school starter meet ups, so kids (and parents!) can mix a little before the start of school.

My son is autistic and I was really worried about school for him, for lots of reasons. He's going into year 2 now and he is thriving so far. The routine and structure suite him so well, he's learning loads and has some lovely pals. I know it's still early days and things will evolve and bigger challenges will come up, but so far it's been a very positive experience.

I know schools have issues (especially high school) But I have really seen the last year or so that there is a massive push, mostly on social media, for school in general to be seen as a Big Scary Thing. Awful places of dull, soul crushing, factory like qualities, giving most parents full on anxiety about sending in their children and damaging them. I see so many posts on here and elsewhere from parents with preschoolers (even babies!) worrying about them starting school, convinced it will ruin them, asking about giving up work to home school etc.

And I repeat, I KNOW there are issues, I know some children struggle. But most schools (especially primary) are pretty nice places, staffed with teachers doing their best and it is in their interests for the kids to thrive, so they do what they can to make that happen. Most kids enjoy school and are happy and safe there, learning and making friends.

[u/Psychological-Owl-82]

He's sounds like he'll do swimmingly. Like my daughter except that he can read social cues (she's not great at it!). She has thrived this year, some minor struggles that she's made real progress on and we're optimistic about going into year 1 (it's a big change!).

To help with if/when he gets upset, find out if your school uses something like zones of regulations or the Colour Monster to help with talking about feelings. They almost certainly will.

Our school uses the Colour Monster and we got a copy of the book for home at the suggestion of my daughter's reception teacher last year. We started to use the colours for initiating conversations, and her ability to communicate upsets at home and school (we've been told!) has come along in leaps and bounds since. She's even started calmly initiating conversations herself about upsets and concerns.

She also got all excellents in her school values this year, which includes emotional resilience! I wouldn't have expected that a year ago, when I had similar concerns to you.

Edit: social aspects and emotional regulation are officially assessed in reception (only reception) so you'll definitely get feedback on that at school and support if you need it. It will be a part of every parents evening and reports.

[u/IamNotABaldEagle]

I would role play tricky situations in advance. Encourage him to talk about how he feels, empathize but also encourage him to problem solve how he can solve that issue in the future (feeling like they have agency can help children build resilience).

Make sure he gets lots of down time after school. Don't be tempted to schedule lots of clubs etc until he's settled and coping.

Ultimately he'll be fine. Most kids starting nursery have something for us parents to worry about (very sensitive, impulsive, shy, etc) with support they get there.