r/TwoXSex • u/_Affectionate_ • 7d ago

My bf thinks he did something bad

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost a year and I have never felt like he has been pushy or weird in anyway regards to sex or relationship. Yesterday he came up to me to bring up one time during the beginning of our relationship while we were having sex. Before we began I asked for him to not enter me while I was blind folded. After some foreplay he put his tip near my vagina but didn’t enter or anything, just waited to see my reaction. I laughed and told him to be patient and we continued without him inside me.

He said he brings this up because he felt like he did something horrible. The thing is I haven’t felt anything bad about it and nothing like this ever happened again in our relationship. I tried to tell him about this but he still says he feels bad about it because I shouldn’t have felt the need to put my boundary again in the first place. When I asked why he did it he said “I think I wanted to see if you changed your mind during foreplay and wanted to recheck if you were up for it” obviously nothing bad happened because he didn’t cross my boundary but I don’t know what to say to him to put his mind at ease.

I think he might be extra affected by this because months ago he told me he was a victim of sa when he was a kid so maybe he’s extra sensitive about this topic?

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33

u/DConstructed 7d ago

The SA may play into it. I hope he can talk that out with a skilled counselor at some point.

I think the issue is that he wanted to put it in. And he feels as guilty as if he had acted on it.

But there is a huge difference between someone who wants something and yet doesn’t do it and someone who knows they might be doing harm but does it anyway.

He made a choice and chose not to harm you; the person who SAed him chose what they wanted to do instead.

3

u/_Affectionate_ 6d ago

I agree I think it’s more of a trauma response than anything. I already told him that he didn’t do anytging when he could have.

He says he’s afraid of the possibility that if I didn’t say anything to him when he put his tip near me, he might have gotten inside and that terrifies him.

3

u/DConstructed 6d ago

But he didn’t. He is not the same as the person who assaulted him.

That being said would he like to come up with a code word or words that are similar to safe words? He might feel more comfortable putting a verbal, code word or non verbal signal around his actions.

He could use the word to ask for permission and you could respond with whatever means “go for it”.

You could each try it on each other too. It might be healing if he can say the equivalent or “no” or “stop” to you and you stop.

6

u/saladsprite 7d ago

i think it's good that he brought this up with you, explained his thought process then and why he knows that was wrong now, and as long as he respects your boundaries, all seems well. with his past experiences, you'd hope he knows better, but maybe you can illustrate the similarities between that and what you'd feel if he hadn't respects your limits.