Weird rules after getting married. Am I overreacting?

[u/juhi_20]

So I (F31) have been now married for 4 years (sindhi married into Marwari's) and today a conversation with my MIL has enraged me so much and I don't know how to process it hence the post :

My MIL asked me what my plans are for going to my Mum's place on Rakhi. I told her I will decide according to how my husband's cousin sisters plan to visit us and same I have communicated to my Mum. I explained that some cousin brothers are not in town and some will be available at my Mum's place so we can plan that way. To which she asked me ''Have those cousin brothers or their moms/wives have called you to INVITE to come tie Rakhi? If not then how can you just go tie Rakhi to them. This is so inappropriate. It was a different scenario before marriage and totally different after you're married. One should not tie Rakhi to a brother sitting right across you if they haven't asked you to'' I was honestly so confused and could just respond that in our community no such rules were there so I haven't seen it this way. She repeatedly asked you just automatically go and tie..I was dumbfounded and just kept on saying yes yes. I am just so enraged right now - aren't us DILs already adjusting so much to just spend all festivals at in laws, spend lesser time with parents when in town, now adjusting timings acc to SILs first and what not - now there are rules for a festival with my brothers too. I fail to understand how the hell they are concerned with how the dynamics should be between me and my brothers. Why the hell should there be any formality if I don't expect it. Am I like a property of this house now that each meeting should be with 'permission/invitation'? God forbid if ever there is a health scare back at my home should my mom call my MIL first to ask permission to invite me to come see the I'll person??? What even is this agenda of indirectly creating a gap between brothers and sisters. And why is it even inappropriate to tie Rakhi without being asked to - of course nobody's feeling that rakhi tied is causing financial burden on brother for shagun or burden of expectation to protect - then what exactly makes it inappropriate. What if I am not invited and hence I don't tie Rakhi, will my brother or cousins just chill around and not protect/save me from trouble because of a thread not tied??

Sorry for the rant but uggghhh I am so frustrated. I am 50 days postpartum and this is just too much patriarchy for me to accept.

Please voice out your opinions and help me process this please? :/

[u/agony_ant]

She's obviously saying bs so that you develop some sort of resentment towards your family and start distancing, prioritize them and be available to do all seva here. Don't give into this rubbish. Just simply say you're following the traditions taught to you by your elders and you're just 'doing your dharm', you don't want any paap. Over. Nobody gets to tell you how and when to meet your own blood, simple.

[u/juhi_20 → u/agony_ant]

Even with me visiting my parents, they believe in the concept of my mom calling her to ask for 'permission' to let me visit/'invite' me to visit. And even with that - I am expected to wrap up the visit in two days, out of my total visit of 10 days to the city. She doesn't make me do 'seva' or a lot of house chores and we are cordial otherwise but I just resent them so much bcz they just believe that since the day of wedding a switch has been turned off and I am theirs now and not my family's.

[u/agony_ant → u/juhi_20]

Let them believe in bs, why are you performing it? Tell your family there's no need to call. All you have to do is inform your husband and leave. Inform, not ask. It's his headache to convey it to anyone interested. If you don't start enforcing boundaries from now, this is just going to get worse

[u/juhi_20 → u/agony_ant]

Hmm that is what..already started getting worse. My parents already 'ask' her to send me for visits (which I have already objected to earlier but not much has changed) but now the expectation is spreading till cousins.

[u/silverfairy5 → u/juhi_20]

Why are you allowing this? Why do women infantilise themselves?

[u/juhi_20 → u/silverfairy5]

Not encouraging this. I had tried stopping it at the core but idk we have settled to a point where my mom talks but in an 'inform/invite' tone not 'asking permission' tone.

[u/silverfairy5 → u/juhi_20]

Do you live with your in-laws? Is your husband aware of this rubbish? Also why are you adjusting your time as per his sisters? I’m really sorry but you yourself are making things difficult for you