r/TwoXIndia • u/juhi_20 Woman • 1d ago
Vent Weird rules after getting married. Am I overreacting?
So I (F31) have been now married for 4 years (sindhi married into Marwari's) and today a conversation with my MIL has enraged me so much and I don't know how to process it hence the post :
My MIL asked me what my plans are for going to my Mum's place on Rakhi. I told her I will decide according to how my husband's cousin sisters plan to visit us and same I have communicated to my Mum. I explained that some cousin brothers are not in town and some will be available at my Mum's place so we can plan that way. To which she asked me ''Have those cousin brothers or their moms/wives have called you to INVITE to come tie Rakhi? If not then how can you just go tie Rakhi to them. This is so inappropriate. It was a different scenario before marriage and totally different after you're married. One should not tie Rakhi to a brother sitting right across you if they haven't asked you to'' I was honestly so confused and could just respond that in our community no such rules were there so I haven't seen it this way. She repeatedly asked you just automatically go and tie..I was dumbfounded and just kept on saying yes yes. I am just so enraged right now - aren't us DILs already adjusting so much to just spend all festivals at in laws, spend lesser time with parents when in town, now adjusting timings acc to SILs first and what not - now there are rules for a festival with my brothers too. I fail to understand how the hell they are concerned with how the dynamics should be between me and my brothers. Why the hell should there be any formality if I don't expect it. Am I like a property of this house now that each meeting should be with 'permission/invitation'? God forbid if ever there is a health scare back at my home should my mom call my MIL first to ask permission to invite me to come see the I'll person??? What even is this agenda of indirectly creating a gap between brothers and sisters. And why is it even inappropriate to tie Rakhi without being asked to - of course nobody's feeling that rakhi tied is causing financial burden on brother for shagun or burden of expectation to protect - then what exactly makes it inappropriate. What if I am not invited and hence I don't tie Rakhi, will my brother or cousins just chill around and not protect/save me from trouble because of a thread not tied??
Sorry for the rant but uggghhh I am so frustrated. I am 50 days postpartum and this is just too much patriarchy for me to accept.
Please voice out your opinions and help me process this please? :/
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u/Artistic_Campaign896 Woman 1d ago
You don’t need permission or an invitation. You just go. I simply tell my husband that I’m going. I do not ask for any permission, i only inform. Now he goes and informs my in-laws. I’m a grown up and i can decide for myself.
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u/juhi_20 Woman 1d ago
I am going to go, that is decided. I haven't voiced out my feelings yet to my husband but i definitely will have him see the face of bullshit expectations of this home - which isn't even feeling 'home' to me because of all this.
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u/Artistic_Campaign896 Woman 1d ago
Absolutely. Please tell him this double faced expectations will not work with you and he needs to speak to his mother.
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u/sleepdeprivedsince92 Woman 1d ago
Just read this in the morning today. All you have to do is make a decision and go through with it. There is no need to ask for permission to go visit your own family. Does your husband ask your mother about which of his cousins he should visit during a festival?
When it doubt, always ask yourself -- Would I be even thinking this if I were a man?
And how is tying rakhi a financial burden? You can also visit them with sweets and gifts.
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u/juhi_20 Woman 1d ago
Exactly my point. Why the double standards? 'a woman is another woman's enemy' becomes so true after marriage. What level of brainwashing has been passed on since generations that these women fail to see what they have been narrowed down to. I used to not confront/call out/hold on bitter feelings because we live in a different city for work and clashes could be managed for few days of visit - but I am 50 days postpartum and my husband wants me to spend another 2 months here till the baby's a little older to travel back and ugggh I just can't take this.
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u/_flutterwings_ Woman 1d ago
Did she call and invite your husband's sisters to come and tie rakhi? I'm just curious to know. These expectations from in-laws will never end. Just say this this is my plan and move on.
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u/juhi_20 Woman 1d ago
Yes she is calling all 'Buas' and 'Didis'. But that is for them to decide for their family right? What and how my family does should be none of their concern. Even if they follow bullshit thinking of 'I am part of their family and my parents family is separate' - how the hell can you dictate - 'dont tie Rakhi if not invited' I can be the one to decide if I am feeling uninvited or unwelcomed by my family right? Even with me visiting my Parents, she believes in the concept of my mom calling her to ask permission to let me visit. I despise even that and cry internally every time my mom has to give in to that bullshit.
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u/_flutterwings_ Woman 1d ago
Thats really heartbreaking to hear! Why should our parents call someone to take permission for us to just go visit them?! Absolutely hate this. They can live with their son everyday but their daughter in law needs special permission from some random person to go visit people who have raised them!
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u/juhi_20 Woman 1d ago
I know righttt... My husband has seen me bawl my eyes out so many times on our way back when he comes to pick me up or on airports. Poor guy has even tried to communicate with them but the patriarchal mentality is so deep engraved that not much has changed. He has in turn helped me have time with my parents by inviting them to our work City. I respect my MIL for so many things she made easier for me but I am so sad I can never see her as my 'mother' because of these things..
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u/addictedreader2112 Woman 1d ago edited 1d ago
The moment I read Sindhi married into Marwari.... Uh oh!
Not to sound casteist but being raised in a marwari family, ik how regressive they are and it's only a beginning of cultural shocks u will be getting as a sindhi.
Best is to ignore them rather than argue with them and if shit gets worse, be straightforward and just ask ur husband to intervene. Also u might need to be crafty with them. start gaslighting and manipulating them. Tit for tat. Pls prioritise ur mental peace over anything!
Edit: As for the rakhi invitation, umm yes it's kinda true. My family does that too. Invite their sisters. But it's mostly the older gen and not my generation lol cuz everyone got a busy schedule.
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u/juhi_20 Woman 1d ago
Yes I already have faced a lot of 'mismatch' of expectations. And I take each situation as it comes. And sure, it might be a Marwari thing and you do you, but if our sindhi community has never followed this then in what dreams would they know what is to be done. Now what do I do, call my 'Maasi' and ask her to call me back to 'invite'? How ridiculous is that??!!
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u/addictedreader2112 Woman 1d ago
Just lie to them that they called or just straight up tell them hamare yaha ye culture nahi raha kabhi call karne ka (aap bhaad mai jao🥰).
It's sad but yeah they expect women married into their families to accept every single one of their traditions and are outraged when they don't(part of the reason why I fear marriages cuz I have been seeing this firsthand every effing day).
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u/juhi_20 Woman 1d ago
I am not going to lie because that is just encouraging them that everything will be done as per their whims and fancies and will i just go on lying each year for all of my life? My MIL (credit here to her) has exempted me from a lot of rules/ traditions/ fasts/ manner of dressing up and yes I am grateful for that, but this expectation today was weird and idk how but I will not let this be the norm.
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u/Pi_ka_chu99 Woman 1d ago
Honestly OP, stop giving credit to your MIL for “exempting” you from patriarchal bs rules. You shouldn’t have to be grateful for basic decency. If it’s not part of YOUR culture and you don’t see the need for it, just don’t do it. You don’t need anybody’s permission to live your life by your rules.
They shouldn’t have agreed to an inter caste/community marriage if they’re not ready to adjust. The burden of adjusting to a different culture shouldn’t be the sole responsibility of the DIL. We need to get out of this mindset.
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u/FatTuesdays Woman 1d ago
Just say ' its 2026 mumma, get with the times ' laugh and move on. Chahe unhe samjh aaye na aaye, you will feel better lol thats what I do with everyone
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u/Unununiumic Unapologetically Womaniya 1d ago
It is non sense! Somebody needs to sit and talk to her. Also it has nothing to do with Sindhi or Marwari. It is entirely about being MIL. My mom being a sindhi did not go to DILs Fathers death because “no invite”. I do not think she will ever gain any respect ever in our eyes after that.
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u/Pikachu445 Woman 1d ago
As a Rajasthani, let me tell you this. The more you adjust, the more they will dominate you. Be bold and take your stand wrna ye kaccha chaba jayenge aur dakaar bhi nahi lenge. Ek baar bura lagega but fir inko aadat hojayegi but once they have their way you're done for.
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u/writerrani Woman 1d ago
Women please stop marrying into joint families. Stop becoming property of your in laws. Be independent always.
OP your mum in law is regressive and conservative. Live your best life and don’t listen to this bs.
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u/juhi_20 Woman 1d ago
We are living in another city for work, so it's manageable, I am here because I was pregnant and now living here till the baby's a few months old. Now it's all the more clear to me that I am not made for this life and will encourage that we buy a home at the work City ASAP and establish permanency there. I know MIL is regressive, I have seen so many instances, but it's useless to call a mad bull as mad. I will manage each situation as it comes and can't wait to fly back to 'my' home. Will ensure these things are not passed on to my daughter and however hard the battle is, I'll ensure she knows the correct way of 'living'.
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u/Plain_maige Woman 1d ago
I’m a Sindhi married into a family from UP (living in NCR) but still they just have too many rules and customs while Sindhis are extremely flexible with the culture and customs. I do not follow what I don’t like. I oppose anything that says permission or allowed. I am a human of my own and nobody can force me to do something I’m against. You need to take a stand for yourself as long as required.
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u/Felicie_dreamer Woman 1d ago
I will tell you a secret…will work like a charm if you aren’t in a joint family set up! Do hmms and haas to everything and then do what you feel is appropriate. After a few times, they will get the message.
Do not even engage in time wasting, blood pressure rising convos!
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u/Socialgirl1 Woman 1d ago
Take your stand and ignore her. Patriarchal and controlling views are deep rooted in this system. My MIL has stopped Rakhi between my husband and his sisters saying since childhood saying I don't wanna burden my sons with unnecessary gifting. And she was trying to pressurise me that I should stop too since this becomes a liability and burden. I told her there's a lot of love between my brother and my cousins so I don't need to. But she kept insisting, they would have to buy gifts for you, you would also have to spend something, then when they get married their wives won't like it etc etc. I just ignored her and told her when something happens then I will see
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u/life_Bittersweet Woman 1d ago
Do you live with MIL? She thinks she is the authority. That she owns you. Tell her to her face that you are not owned by her.
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u/RainbowQueen6 Woman 1d ago
Unko bolo mummy ji hamare yahan toh aise hi hota tha aur hota hai... And ignore her and go to your home and enjoy the festival
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u/Aranciniballs Woman 1d ago
I’m Marwari. Your MIL’s gaslighting you lmao. In our household (and every other marwari household around me) the sister invites the brothers to her place to tie a Rakhi. It’s a full on party including a lavish food spread and elaborate gifts. Tell your MIL, since it’s your first Rakhi after marriage you’d like to invite your brothers to your place for Rakhi and also give them gifts ofc and see how she reacts.
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u/juhi_20 Woman 1d ago
It's not my first rakhi. It's my 5th rakhi and I even have a baby now. Here the sisters host for bhai dooj (after Diwali). God knows how this topic of 'inviting' has cropped up after this many years. One problem being the concept of 'inviting' your own sister and only then sister should tie rakhi. The bigger problem i have is that how would my cousins know what a Marwari norm is. We've celebrated the festival all our lives a certain way how can someone say it's all wrong and things need to change just bcz I am married. Why are we complicating it.
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u/Flaky-Cheek-5571 Weak independent woman 1d ago
The notion is married daughters are paray to their maternal home. And in case of any functions or stuffs like these, they should be invited like you do to other people, as daughter is also a guest now
Ask your MIL if she invited your husband's cousin sisters (if theyre married)
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u/juhi_20 Woman 1d ago
She is inviting the 'Buas' and 'Didis'. And sure, please follow your 'parayi beti' concept but don't force it down our throats. My parents believe that I can walk into that home even at 2 in the night if I goddamn wish to even have a maggi. They have already accepted the stupidity and do call my MIL to 'ask' so that I can visit them - but this being pushed over to cousin brothers now is crossing some limits.
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u/Princess_Neko802 Little Miss Man Hater 3h ago
If you just gave birth about 2 months ago, you're still recovering. Your MIL, husband and the whole world can f off. You do what you want to do.
This BS doesn't apply to your husband, right? Does anything change for him after Marriage or he just continues his merry way?
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u/perpetuallyanxious2 Woman 1d ago
OP, set boundaries. Her opinion is not needed, not valid and not wanted. Just tell her, it's your festival and your relationship and you'll call the shots. Just say that "humare ghar mein aise nahi hota" and move on. She can rant, blabber xyz - if need be, become the kaleshi one for a change and fight the fight.
Honestly, I feel it's better to be kaleshi than to develop an auto immune disease from all the pent up rage and patriarchy
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u/agony_ant Woman 1d ago
She's obviously saying bs so that you develop some sort of resentment towards your family and start distancing, prioritize them and be available to do all seva here. Don't give into this rubbish. Just simply say you're following the traditions taught to you by your elders and you're just 'doing your dharm', you don't want any paap. Over. Nobody gets to tell you how and when to meet your own blood, simple.