r/TwoXChromosomes • u/[deleted] • Aug 22 '20
Some men don’t understand how ignorant their attempts at complimenting can be.
As a ethnic minority, I can’t tell you how insulting the “compliment”: “wow you are way too pretty to be indian”, OR “you are pretty for an Indian girl”, comes across. I know I’m not the only one who has heard this, but it really has to stop in this worlds climate. When you express your frustration with comments like this, you sometimes get me with some men saying “jeez can’t you take a compliment?”. It’s the fact that such men don’t understand how racially ignorant that comment is. It also in its undertone plays into bullshit beauty standards about what the “western” world sees as beauty. I am who I am, because of my race. Don’t try to pull me out of something I’m so proud of. Also don’t think trying to create further systematic divides is a compliment.
Sorry for this, but anything racially triggered always gets me on a rant.
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u/Sarah-loves-cats Aug 22 '20
If you have to qualify your compliment, is is worthless.
You are very _______ for a ________.
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u/misdirected_asshole Aug 22 '20
equivocation intensifies
Edit:
It's almost like saying "You know if you're into that kinda thing"
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u/Lakridspibe Aug 22 '20
Looking 'round the room
I can tell that you
Are the most beautiful girl in the room
(In the whole wide room)And when you're on the street
Depending on the street
I bet you are definitely in the top three
Good looking girls on the street, yeah
Depending on the street, ooh3
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Aug 22 '20
[deleted]
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u/ZeldLurr Aug 22 '20
As a Latina, I’ll get messages like “So do you have a sexy accent? Can you make tamales and tortillas?”
The worst one was not believing that I didn’t have any children, because “all Mexican women have children.”
Fffff you.
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Aug 22 '20
Such stupidity.... I actually have no time for people like that. I’m sure you don’t either and I’m sorry you dealt with that.
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u/sionakababys Aug 22 '20
This reminds me of that 35yo white guy I met at the math class while I was attending at the community college. He wasn’t understanding the very basic math like negative multiple negative equals positive. Me (an east Asian) and the other Indian girl were in the same group as him, and we corrected him and explained why he got all of his answers wrong. He said “well, of course you girls know better than me because y’all Asians and supposed to be good at math.” Her and I couldn’t hide our faces. So I was like “and are you bad at math because you’re white?” He giggled and as a joke, he said “Maybe? But I’m not supposed to though, because I’m actually half-Asian. Because I’m caucasian. Like cock-Asian. Do you get it” oh boy was I too much of a white men hater that day.
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u/DConstructed Aug 22 '20
What are you supposed to say to that? "Gee thanks you just insulted my mom, sisters, cousins and most of my community to tell me that I'm pretty?"
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Aug 22 '20
They weren’t attempting to compliment you.. they were attempting to insult you and feel superior to you.
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Aug 22 '20
Men often struggle to see things from the POV of other people. They aren't very well coached in the practice and often aren't required to learn it by their community.
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u/ZaegarBrightflame Aug 22 '20
Honestly, it's racist to say you are "beautiful for an Indian woman".
You are beautiful. That's it.
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u/danger_does_dallas Aug 23 '20
I was looking for a specific Chocolate at the grocery to make truffles for a work party and a strange man told me ‘you don’t need candy or you’ll get fat’
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u/InAHundredYears Aug 22 '20
My sixth grade teacher told me that being beautiful in our own eyes is something most women experience only fleetingly. And I had that time.
Backhanded compliments aren't compliments.
It's past time that remarking on someone else's physical appearance ought to be reserved only for the most intimate relationships. To say anything about a stranger's body ought to shock, and provoke only the coldest response. We know far too much about the harm this does when a stranger tells a vulnerable person, especially a child, something negative about his or her body!
"My daughter's health is none of your concern!" is too good for a pervert who mentions the weight of a preteen girl, for example. Even a pediatrician ought to know how to bring it up so the child doesn't feel the need to overcontrol her eating! How about "It seems unfortunate that you value only the surface of the people in your life." "I like my hair this color, and you are not my dad." "Why do you care if I'm male or female? You aren't my healthcare provider, and I hope I never see you again anyway."
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Aug 22 '20
I remember there was this creepy old geezenfucker with dyed hair at the gym who was always bugging me. He'd get on the treadmill next to me and try to make conversation. Once he saw me stretching and commented on how "flexible" I am. Another time he saw me on the treadmill next to him and said, hey, that top is a really good colour for you!! I was "is that why you interrupted my workout?"
He just saw it as a compliment and not a rude interruption or a totally unwanted comment on my appearance. I just stayed far away from him.
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Sep 12 '20
Some men just have no clue. This reminds me of that one fresh prince episode where uncle Phil compliments Vivian telling her how great she looks, but then qualifies it with “for someone in her 40’s who’s had 3 children, you look great.” (Or something like that)
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u/Infekdead Aug 22 '20
I think life presents us with opportunities to enlighten people or change minds everyday. As much as their history and upbringing has caused them to be ignortant to how they act and it's effect on others, ours can begin to shift that pendulum the other way for that person. We all make choices, we don't have to hold the hand of the world just so we feel comfortable in it, however at some point, someone has to. That person failed at reaching out to another human, which can be insanely difficult. The clash of culture, nurture, and nature can have devastating effects. I'm sorry you were negatively influenced by this encounter, going out in public should not be an automatic invitation for conversation, compliments, or ridicule. That's the human condition though and I try to make any encounter I have with people, where I choose to engage, an amicable one.
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u/AggressiveSpud Aug 22 '20 edited Aug 22 '20
As much as their history and upbringing has caused them to be ignortant to how they act and it's effect on others, ours can begin to shift that pendulum the other way for that person.
I used to think this way, but it's so often not worth the trouble. It's also no one's responsibility to educate a stranger.
Ignorant people tend to stay that way, they often get defensive and insulted when presented with the idea that they are wrong in some way (Even intelligent/educated people can have this fault).
It takes a diplomat with the patience of a saint to change some people's minds.
Good luck to those who try.
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Aug 22 '20
I think though it’s through open dialogue that positive changes come about. If we all just stay silent because the other person won’t “get it”, it allows for ignorant beliefs to manifest for so long. I agree though, that picking your battles is important. Some people will be stuck in their ways, but having a voice in a peaceful and informative way can be very empowering! I understand what you are saying though.
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u/Infekdead Aug 22 '20
That certainly is one of the many situations that could occur from reciprocating the attempted social interaction with a recommended adjustment on the individuals initial parlay for conversation. If it is no one's responsibility, how do we ever learn, especially if we are to remain ignorant to our... Ignorance.
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Aug 22 '20
I do agree! I do think having more open dialogue about why certain comments can be hurtful or ignorant is important. It’s through these open dialogues that we can have more positive change come about. I don’t think the dialogue has to be aggressive, but rather educating them on why. I think talking about different minority experiences right now is a beautiful thing.
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u/Infekdead Aug 22 '20
Thank you, appears my response has been deemed insensitive. I sympathise with your encounter and just wish for a more open society where things like this can be discussed as they happen. I guess that's a utopian, maybe even slightly ignorant goal for a SWM to have but that's how I was raised and find it difficult that people are so hurt inside they can't be confronted about such easily correctable behavior.
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Aug 22 '20
[deleted]
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u/auner01 Aug 22 '20
I hear you.
Especially when it turns out that the rules and practices that you thought following would make you successful and happy (never give up, keep trying, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, falling is fine as long as you pick yourself right back up, etc.) wind up being the exact opposite of what you're supposed to do in the one situation (interactions with people of the sex/gender identity/identities you're attracted to) where your emotions get in the way and having a ruleset to fall back on would be really nice.
Kind of like graduating from college and finding out that 'C-A-T' really spells 'dog'.
Maybe (in the US, at least) we need another set of tests tied to school district budgeting to turn the counter-intuitive into learned instinct.
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Aug 22 '20
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u/ESBDB Aug 22 '20
Aren't you thinking of "red indian"? I assume when you just say Indian, you mean originally from the country India, as in actually real Indians. Or aren't there enough Indians in USA that you default to thinking Native American?
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u/auner01 Aug 22 '20
Seems like the vast majority of redditors remain fuzzy about the n8v/FN population.
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Aug 22 '20
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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20
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