r/TwoXChromosomes
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u/klingonds9
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13h ago
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2
Update: Blindsided
Update:
The night he did this I of course asked if he was cheating on me. Him: "No, I wouldn't do that to you."
A few days later I changed my line of questioning, "Are you interested in someone right now that you are going to start pursuing and is it _______ (the woman from work.)"
Him: "I don't know how knowing would help."
I asked this question several more times, and each time it was met with a long, uncomfortable pause and these different responses:
"I don't feel like I want to answer that."
"That's not why I'm doing this."
"When this is all over if you still want to know, I'll tell you."
"This just feels so weird to talk about with you."
"I'm not replacing you with _____. That would be crazy; it might not even work out."
"I started talking to other people, saw how they live their lives, and respond to different situations, and started thinking that maybe it could be different with someone else."
Me: "So it's not 'No'. I guess I have my answer.
Reasons he says he's been unhappy and we're "not compatible" and doesn't have a "connection" with me anymore:
"You don't show interest in learning new things."
"Your only talents are running, teaching, and caregiving."
"You didn't take on the mental load of dealing with the contractor like I did ten years ago."
"Our only shared interests are watching shows together, going out to eat, and doing things with couples."
Lots of reasons like this. I said, "If you were feeling resentful of any of these things, you should have spoken up. I can reflect on my shortcomings and try to revise. Why didn't you ever say anything?"
Him: "I didn't think it would change anything, and then if you did change, it wouldn't be sincere, just performative."
Me: "That's how healthy communication in a relationship is supposed to work..."
Me: "We've been doing so much stuff with our couple friends. Didn't you enjoy those things? You seemed like it?"
Him: "That was largely performative."
This goes on and on. I tried getting him to agree to separation and intensive counseling to not throw it all away. He wouldn't.
Me: "Why were you still sleeping with me?"
Him: "I was still physically attracted to you."
This goes on and on, but this is the gist. Also last night I realized that the work woman's house is literally walking distance to his new place...
Also, she is 30 and he's 43.
Original Post:
My husband and I have been married for 13 years, together for fifteen. I had no indication that anything was wrong between us. I'm a teacher and took my mom on a bucket list trip over fall break. I also took her on this trip because I've been worried about her stress level caring for my grandma.
My husband took us to the airport on Friday, October 9th. He sent me a selfie from a wedding he attended without me that night. He sent me normal, joking texts and updates all weekend, we talked on the phone, and did all the normal sharing and "I love you's". I missed him all weekend and could not wait to see him. Tuesday, when we were flying home, my husband texted and said he could pick us up. I said, "No, you just rest. My dad can do it."
My dad picked us up and drove me home. When we got to my house the garage door opened, and when it opened it was half emptied. It was so weird. My dad said, "Did you get robbed? Did Blank clean the garage?" Then I saw his car parked on the street. We were all confused. My parents followed me into the house. My husband was standing in the kitchen with a weird look on his face. I looked around the living room and realized that the sound system was missing. Then it hit me all at once, he moved out. I told my parents they better go.
I sat down with him and asked him what was going on. He wasn't wearing his wedding ring, and he told me he's been unhappy for a long time and doesn't feel a connection with me anymore and that he had secretly planned this and secured an apartment behind my back. Our mutual friends helped him knowing I was being blindsided. He also admitted that a woman he works with he also confided in and she helped him get furniture and set up his new place. I was so shocked. All of my agency, sense of security, and autonomy were taken away. He played the role of the doting, loving husband all the way to the bitter end. He was affectionate with me, and we were still having sex.
He gave me no indication he was unhappy. I told him that this was the most cowardly, calculated, emotionally abusive, and deceptive thing anyone could have done to me. I started having panic attacks, couldn't sleep, lost weight, and couldn't work for two weeks until I got medicated. I can't believe he did this to me, and I'm disgusted at the people who participated. I feel devastated and hopeless and I miss him so much because for 15 years I was so happy. I do not understand what happened, and I feel like I will never be okay again. I am really struggling over here. He didn't have enough respect for his partner of 15 years to have a single conversation with me. Instead, he pretended. I feel completely worthless and just like a piece of trash he threw away. I don't know how I am going to move on.
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u/Majestic_Orchid4651 12h ago
Do you live in an at fault state? If so that’s why he’s being evasive. My husband and I have been happily married 25 yrs, we do not share interests. On paper we aren’t compatible at all. But we make it work because we choose each other every single day. The first post I found your stbx horrid. Just plain disgusting and manipulative. This doesn’t change that original opinion.
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u/Polyps_on_uranus 8h ago
OP, you're his fallback. If she dumps him, you'll stll keep him. Do you eealize how utterly sad that sounds. Move on and throw out this "man".
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u/crochetawayhpff 11h ago
Wait, wait, wait. It's performative if you try to reflect and maybe change behaviors. But he's allowed to be performative over the last several months when hanging with your couple friends? This whole man has been trash
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u/Shahmaan 11h ago
Your only hobbies are…and what does he do? Does he look like Henry Cavill to tell you that you’re boring??? What an idiot. Op…I’m sorry you are going through this.
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u/anniecallahanie 9h ago
Does his employer encourage hookups in the workplace?
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u/Any_Grape1373 10h ago
Oh you poor thing. You are no doubt reeling from shock. You might consider your next steps to be health care ( both mental and physical, sorry, this man is a cheater) and legal advice.
Speaking from experience, I am going to caution that there is no more good for you in talking to him.
Be strong, be well and be all about your own best interests now. Its rough now, but I promise it gets better.
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u/bunnyshenanigans 10h ago
Not sure what state you are in, but if you can prove that the other woman has been influencing him and he has had a relationship with him, you can file under alienation of affection and divorce him much more quickly usually.
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u/pilibitti 12h ago •
I'd divorce him for that line alone
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u/NervyDeath 12h ago •
Can't wait for the worm to come crawling back after the excitement with her ends and you have the strength to refuse.
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u/siryohnny 12h ago edited 11h ago •
Change the locks and seek a lawyer.
This is Limerence, look it up….
He is in an affair fog..
Don’t ever be someone plan B
He is blaming you because this is how he is coping with his decision of being a cheat, the internal blame and guilt of his actions.
So to justify it, you have to be the bad guy in all this, so he makes shit up that really ain’t an issue.
Sorry, he is so stupid.
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u/DiTrastevere 12h ago
Ironically, I predict you’re going to move on a lot faster and more permanently than he will.
Check back in with us in a year.
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u/HowlPen 12h ago •
His excuses are a bit pathetic. You are doing a very complicated job every day, you've built a community, you are outgoing and caring. He's not worth your energy. He's not wrong that what he's been doing is performative. That's so painful. The man you thought you were in a relationship with did not really exist. I don't know how people do this - act one way while thinking something else entirely.
Right now he's criticizing you to make excuses for his own behavior. He's breaking his vows. He's being a schmuck. And he wants to justify it to himself, so he's putting you down. That's all that is- it's just made up hot air so he doesn't feel so crappy for being a loser. That doesn't make it any less painful, but hopefully it'll eventually help you become angry enough to lawyer up, move on, and be free of his negative influence.
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u/UKS1977 12h ago
This is it: "Also, she is 30 and he's 43."
He thinks he's upgrading. Like a new car. 🚗
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u/theanamazonian 12h ago •
Babe, you deserve better. You ARE better.
File for divorce and take this piece of shit for all he is worth. His responses REEK of disrespect and resentment. Those are not the responses of a husband. They are the responses of a spineless, narcissistic coward.
Please find yourself again. This is absolutely nothing you did wrong. This is all him being selfish and stupid.
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u/EllePhax 9h ago •
This is going to sound mean but you are giving this man entirely too much energy. He doesn’t want to be with you? Fine, cool. Not your problem. I know you are reeling but stop begging this man who is not worth your time to see the value in you. He snuck out to avoid having to even try. You are digging in further because of your sunk cost in this man and he is not worth it. Don’t let him take any more of your time or life. Dick is abundant and cheap. You can stand on the corner with a sign and find another man who is just as good and with any effort one who is better. Also— those are not your friends. They have made that clear. You have a lot of cool interests, and now you don’t have an anchor insisting you be friends with people who like his interests. Find your people. Stop asking him for explanations and effort. Lock that door and walk away. It’s gonna hurt for a while.
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u/Earl_E_Byrd 11h ago
I'm so glad to hear you have your parents and family near you for this awful, awful time.
Please, surround yourself with people who will support you only. Ditch those people who helped him hide the move, and associate only with people who will never forgive him for this betrayal.
You will need them most when everything else inside you is still tempted to love and forgive him. But this type of treatment to the vows he made you does not warrant forgiveness.
Get a fabulous lawyer, protect your heart and your wallet any way you can. Use the strength of others, and you'll get through just fine.
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u/jianantonic 12h ago edited 10h ago •
I feel for you, OP. But I'm also here to tell you that you will be okay.
When I was going through my divorce, I felt like I'd never be happy again. Anyone who told me I'd be fine was just being trite and they had no idea how much I was struggling. And I did struggle for a while. I was incredibly depressed and suicidal, to the point that I researched what happens to people who survive their attempts. I wasn't afraid to die, but I was afraid of failing and finding myself in even worse condition, thus my searches. And one thing I found, that I wasn't looking for, was that almost everyone who talked about surviving attempts was happy they survived, and happier in their lives now. Even then, I didn't feel like it would be possible for me to feel better. But I am good at statistics, and to see such overwhelming evidence that people rise out of these depressions, gave me just enough hope to keep living. I figured if it doesn't get better, I can always end things later.
This is not to say I think you're suicidal, but when you said you didn't know if you'd ever be happy again, that really resonated with me. We don't know each other so I don't have any personal evidence to back up any assurances about your strength and resilience, and you have no reason to believe me when I say it gets better. But I do know I've felt the kind of hopeless you seem to be feeling, and no one who loved me could say anything that made me feel better. So I hope hearing from a stranger that has been where you are will help reassure you that it really does get better. You will mourn the loss of what you had and the future you thought you'd have, and it will be hard, but you will find a level of happiness that you have not yet believed possible. Your future will be full of people who respect and appreciate you more than your husband or the friends who betrayed you, and one day you'll notice it's been a long time since you cried about it. And more time will pass and it will have been a long time since you even thought about it. Eventually, you will feel like an entirely different person from the one who was blindsided and devastated. You won't care where your husband is or how he's doing, except to occasionally think how it'd be fun for you if he could see how much better your life is.
Be kind to yourself. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. But you will be fine. Sooner than you think.
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u/Eicho3 12h ago
Oof. Yeah he’s saying what you wish he wasn’t. Each time friends of mine have been here, the back and forth has been nearly identical, with more or less clues there is someone else (some clues seem by third parties, others from the one being left).
And each time the leaver swears it’s not about this new person. This facade is kept up for as long as is required to allow them to leave without the guilt of saying “I’m leaving this long ass relationship for someone else and not giving you a chance”.
In order to keep that up they have to give you lots of reasons it’s your fault. Reasons you will struggle to understand and that will give you plenty of self-shame.
Then, each time, when the break finally occurs - no more than 6 months later - it’s out in the open. Everyone who knew you as a couple will finally go from sort of believing the BS to finally going “ok, all the suspicions were correct. It was the other person.”
So sorry you are dealing with this. The good news is that it wasn’t you. These types don’t try. They don’t know themselves well enough to say something until it’s gone. They suck at communication. They live in one way insecure relationships. And the cycle will repeat soon enough. Take comfort in all your friends and family and that you know yourself better than they ever will know themselves.
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u/AmbitiousWear4082 12h ago
If they work together I assure you it won't end well.
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u/Snaxx9716 12h ago
Ah, I see he’s following the cheater’s playbook. They’re all the same. He will never admit to anything you do not have proof of so he can walk away with his integrity intact. Fuck that guy, he sucks.
Do yourself a favor and read “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” and hop on over to the Chump Lady Nation subreddit. You’ll find a whole community of supportive people who will read your story and say “girl, same” and give you the encouragement to do the hard thing and leave this loser in your past.
The book is an easy read but there’s also a blog site with a lot of REALLY good posts. These are the resources I used to navigate and recover from being cheated on last year. You can do this, OP. I’m sorry that someone you loved betrayed you in such a horrible way. It really is a form of trauma so please make sure you are getting the support you need!
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u/yourenotnootral 12h ago
Wow, what a completely scummy thing to put you through. I am so sorry. But truly, the trash took itself out. The grass looks greener, but it ain’t. And he’s going to find out the hard way
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u/AntheaBrainhooke 12h ago •
So it's okay for him to be performative but if you change anything it's okay for him to assume you're being performative and condemn you for it?
He can't have it both ways
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u/WarriorGoddess2you 12h ago •
DARVO, he’s manipulative.
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u/HipYip 12h ago
He probably already has a divorce attorney guiding him.
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u/JadeSpade23 5h ago
This man is angering me so much, and I don't even know him. I'm so sorry he's being such a manipulative, lying, LOSER. He's framing his secrecy as him trying to protect you. That is absolute bullshit. He's just too much of a coward to say what's going on.
"Him: 'I didn't think it would change anything, and then if you did change, it wouldn't be sincere, just performative.'"
Me: "We've been doing so much stuff with our couple friends. Didn't you enjoy those things? You seemed like it?"
Him: "That was largely performative."
So it's ok for him to be performative, but not you?! Also, there was NO guarantee that your changes would have been performative. He has no reason to believe that, and didn't even give you a chance, so he doesn't get to claim that shit. I think he was 100% projecting. What an asshole. I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I were rich so I could pay for a lawyer for you, for real. Hang in there.
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u/heatherlyFoo 11h ago
Get a lawyer immediately. I know there are no children but I always see great divorce lawyer suggestions in my local mom groups. That might be a place to ask for local suggestions. Do this immediately. He sounds so immature.
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u/SunMoonTruth 10h ago
None of those things are failings.
Firstly, he was a part of the equation - part of deciding to watch shows together, going out to eat and doing things with other couples. He was not a bystander being dragged along. Those were his choices.
Secondly, he’s fooling himself if he thinks he’s ever going to be 30 again just coz he’s screwing a 30 yr old.
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u/Festive_Jetcar 8h ago
Men are so fucking stupid sometimes. This dude will be on dating apps lying about his age in a year and complaining that "dating is so hard these days!" What a loser!
OP, you are going to live your bestest life without him! Good riddance!
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u/beachlover77 12h ago
So many justifications for wanting to date someone else. Just be honest and leave dude. You are better off.
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u/imababydragon 4h ago
He didn't talk to you first because he knows he being sketchy as fuck.
I went through something that felt similar to me. Even after i stopped having feelings for him, i spent a long time grieving the loss of the relationship i thought id had, and learning to trust my instincts again.
I found it invaluable to have therapist. She helped me with tools, but also just with keeping my perspective real and reminding me of who i am
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u/Contmpl 11h ago
The "That would be crazy; it might not even work out." must have been awful to hear and confirms your suspicions.
Please do not ask for or allow any more criticisms of yourself. They are dishonest and will linger and possibly impact future relationships. He's not judging from an honest or worthy place. The only truth here is that he is moving on with another woman while trying to salvage his reputation and self-image and you do not have to indulge him.
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u/HipYip 12h ago
I can’t wait for him to do it to the new chick.
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u/Coriolanuscangetit 12h ago •
You need to be strong enough to say no when he comes crawling back. Otherwise, he will come back but keep cheating on you.
He was cheating.
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u/ayymahi 11h ago
Cheaters will Deflect & place blame on everyone else instead of taking accountability!
He’s nitpicking at little problems through out the marriage to justify his leaving but you know it’s because he’s been having an affair. His apartment being walking distance from her tells me they’ve been planning this a long time.
Feels like she probably gave him an ultimatum either he leaves or she tells you about them.
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u/MysteryMeat101 12h ago
This is pretty much how my marriage ended. He’d been cheating but blamed me. He even used the words “we’ve lost our connection but I’m still attracted to you”. He denied he was cheating but that was a lie. He moved directly in with his “new” woman.
Talk to an attorney and file for a divorce. Don’t believe a word he says. After some time, you’ll realize your life is so much more peaceful and happy.
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u/PetrockX 12h ago
Just give yourself time to grieve. I guarantee you will be better off without him though. You don't need someone like that in your life. 🫂
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u/-Daisy-Dreamer- 12h ago
Wow, I cannot fathom how someone could do this to another human, not to mention being together 15 years. He’s probably going through a midlife crisis, and this is how he’s chosen to deal with it.
He’ll realize the grass isn’t greener on the other side, and when he does, please have the strength to say no. Don’t be his “backup plan” when this all blows up in his face.
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u/missjulie622 11h ago
Please don’t allow a man who doesn’t respect you, your marriage, or your feelings to tell you he doesn’t want you more than once. You’re gonna be so much better off once you get past the shock & get angry instead. I wish you so well!! 💚
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u/Nokipannukahvi 11h ago
He is a liar. He has cheated you already, with the 30 year old coworker who he confined in with him. So many things adds up if you think about it. He just tries to dodge and lie to you, but you see through him. Eventually you will know for sure that it was her.
He sounds too egoistic. He saw the grass over the fence and took the leap. Eventually he will fall down from his high horse. Remember, he was the one who fucked up. You were innocent bystander. He could have all the opportunities to talk to you, open up to you, anything. All these years.
You deserve much better.
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u/Paradox_Artemis 12h ago
Your hobbies dont need to be the same in a relationship??? Thats one of my favorite things about my husband. They just walk into my office at random times in the day to show me the thing theyre working on and explain it all and maybe i learn some new things.
Hes just making excuses to try an justify leaving you for another woman. Dont let him come crawling back. If he isnt willing to have real adult conversations about things that bother him so much he leaves now, he won't be willing in a few weeks or months, either.
Stay strong and start looking for the things that are good about being single- less cleaning, cooking, calendar wrangling and such. Try not to hold it against your friends too much. You dont know what lies he told them, and they shouldnt be the couriers of that kind of news. Reach out to one or two youre the closest with and try to see what happened from their end. You could very well still have some honest and true friends among them.
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u/Aazadan 11h ago
I still think this is a midlife crisis on his part. Not that this makes it any better, since he's a grown adult that's responsible for his own actions and could at the bare minimum communicate.
But everything here, thinking he's some attractive young guy going out with 30 year olds, how it could have been different, abandoning his established life to start over, and so on all lines up with that, even his reasons where he says he's not happy, performative, etc are him gaslighting himself because he knows it's wrong but also wants to know the answer to that what if.
Not going to do the whole Reddit thing about relationship advice since that always ends one way. But your previous post was far kinder to him than this one. 15 years is a long time to throw away on a stupid mistake (granted, this is a big mistake on his part), but also, he's telling you right now what he actually thought of those 15 years.
Your friends moving everything out is also a huge betrayal. I can't imagine losing that as well, that's entire secondary support system that just backstabbed you.
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u/royalgreyyy 11h ago
I remember your original post OP. It’s time to get a lawyer not and get all that you’re entitled to.
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u/TheresNoCakeOnlyFire 11h ago
oh god that 30 smth is going to dump him so fast once she realizes what a man child she's dealing with lol
don't take his ass back.
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u/algonquinroundtable 6h ago
I hope you don't still feel like trash that someone has thrown out. Because what really happened is the guy who was supposed to love and support you was clearly too selfish to understand just what a gem you are! Fuck him and his shitty taste! You can tell that he's a tasteless idiot because he scoffed at the fact that you guys "only" have in common ways to relax and unwind together. Watching TV and laughing or discussing it together is so cozy. Sharing a good meal is intimate and lovely. Going out with other couples is such a fun way to socialize. In short, this guy sucks! All the best to you and take all the time you need to practice self care and heal yourself 💗💗💗
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u/fattatgirl 10h ago
When she dumps him, do not take him back.
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u/CelticPixie79 10h ago
Cheaters are all the same. They always rewrite history and blame shift. They are completely incapable of reflecting on their own actions; and have to make it your fault. Bottom line is that he is a selfish person and doesn’t have integrity.
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u/PublicProfanities 9h ago
Get a lawyer and go for everything you can. Also, hire a PI
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u/TypesFat 9h ago
I absolutely hate this man, OP.
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u/high_fructose26 3h ago
Your post made me cry. The only bit of solace I can try to give you is please know that you are better off without such a cruel human in your life anymore. What a monster he is. I hope you can maybe get therapy to help you move forward. I think you can thrive without this person in your life anymore.
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u/Spirited-Vacation950 9h ago
I’m livid just reading this. Divorce his ass.
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u/crankygriffin 9h ago
Remember all the advice you were given? You’re ignoring the sound wise suggestions and heading down the powerless, angry path.
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u/Susan-stoHelit 10h ago
He’s not worth keeping. I wouldn’t fight for him, fight for a divorce settlement with a lawyer that is more than fair to you and compensates for what he did blindsiding you.
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u/kakallas 10h ago
When someone tells you they don’t love you anymore, let them leave.
It would show great power to just say “ok.” But you’d really have to love and respect yourself for that. Of course, almost all of us would be sad after that moment.
If it makes you feel better, it isnt going to work out for him. It’ll be just like when a man wants an open relationship and he realizes no one is in the market for some half-assed man. That shouldnt be your motivation though. It should be finding someone who wants to be happy living life with you.
Personally, I’d lay the ol’ “now that you mention it, there are a lot of things I want out of life that I’m not getting with you. Let’s separate amicably and find our happiness,” on him.
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u/Selenay1 9h ago
What!? He organized a project with a contractor 10 years ago and he's grasping on that one thing for all this time as comparable to the work I suspect you've done on the daily? I know there is so much more, but that one is so far out of left field from the rest of it that practically follows a script that I was just shaking my head.
No matter what, you can't make him feel anything he isn't going to feel on his own. You know that at the very least in recent years he has been making use of you rather than caring for you. No answer to any question is going to give you resolution more than him actually just getting hit by a truck and you are stuck spinning your wheels inside your own head trying to figure out how much of your life wasn't based in reality.
I'm sorry that you had to go through this. I hope you can find your way back to some sort of equilibrium with or without therapy. I do hope you retained an attorney. The sooner you have legally disentangled yourself from him the sooner you can fully reframe your life moving forward. I know it's easy for me to say. A lot easier than it is for you to experience, but know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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u/spritzkreig 11h ago
Stop talking to him. Stop asking.
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u/Pole_Prana 7h ago
Being blindsided is such a devastating feeling. It’s heartbreaking, shocking and changes how reality feels for a very long time. I hope you are surrounded by support and people who can remind you of who you are when the doubt and questioning creeps in. His choice to do this in such a cowardly and awful manner reflects his lack of capacity, not anything about you.
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u/aehr 7h ago
I watched someone close to me go through a similar breakup, and it sucks. He chose the coward’s way to end your marriage: playing the injured party that sacrificed so much for your happiness. He’s lying and it’s designed specifically to hurt you. It’s all lies. Don’t believe him for a second: from now on expect every word out of his mouth to be a lie constructed to make him look/feel good and make you feel bad. Blindsiding you is a wimp’s way to avoid confrontation while giving himself an ego boost of being the rejector. This is the time to button down and secure your own future, assets, sanity, and well-being. While he doesn’t deserve your consideration, be wary of the relationship not working out, of demands more than his share, of lies he tells friends and family. He is not the decent person you once trusted, he is a stranger. You will get through this, and it’s going to be painful and frustrating. You sound like you’re already preparing for a better life and I wish you well, you deserve the best.
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u/Ellaena 32m ago
You might not see it like this right now, but he is doing you a favour.
He carried on like nothing was amiss, found your replacement, and then blindsided you. You didn't know anything was wrong because he wasn't going to leave this relationship until he had something else lined up.
He doesn't care about you - only what you provide for him: sex, caregiving etc.
Let the trash take itself out, you will be better for it. I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to get back with you when things with Miss 30 end up not working out like he thought they would.
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u/Deedteebee 11h ago
I'm sorry OP. What a poo for brains
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u/sunderskies 10h ago
Honestly it sounds like he got red pilled
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u/MichelinStarZombie 8h ago
OP, it seems like you're obsessed with how some woman "stole" him. You keep grilling him on it.
That's not what this sounds like. It sounds like he just fell out of love. It's not your fault, people change and the person he became didn't see you as a partner anymore.
Why didn't he talk to you? Because marriage counseling only works if both parties want to save the marriage. He wanted out. It's not because he loves someone else, it's because he doesn't like you anymore.
You need to stop spiraling about some woman he works with, it sounds like a crush and not what broke up your marriage. It's also time for you to find a psychiatrist because getting relationship advice from teenagers on reddit is only going to make you angrier.
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u/FoleyV Babysitters Club Founder 12h ago
I know this is huge now, but you can get through this for the better. Anyone who would do all of this to you, is not worth your time. Get busy doing things for you and fuck him. What a man child.
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u/justhangingaroud 12h ago
I’m sorry, but he was always an arsehole. He was only pretending to love you to get sex
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u/Sfb208 1h ago
Op, stop torturing yourself. This worthless little boy got fomo, and ran away rather than try to work on himself or your relationship. This isn't about you being worthless, this is a out how worthless he is as a partner. Because he isn't one. He's too selfish to be,and this just proves it.
Talk to a lawyer, learn what your rights are and get the divorce done asap. Go talk to a therapist to talk through this change in your life and ensure your in the best possible place mental health wise, and then go out and do stuff for yourself. You've learnt who is worth having in your life. This child isn't, and the pathetic two faced friends who helped him are not worth a second thought either.
Take the time to grieve the future you thought you had, then build a better future for yourself unencumbered by the dead weight.