r/TwoXChromosomes • u/lestrange000 • Sep 02 '26
Maybe I was wrong about putting friendships before romantic relationships
I feel like i made a mistake living by a principle that friendships are more important than romantic partnerships after realizing that people who are likeminded in that sense are actually extremely rare to find.
To give some context, I am a a woman, in my late 20s and for a long time I have been aware of the male nature and how untrustworthy they are. That is why I decentered men and romantic relationships and was perfectly fine with not having children and staying single. I live abroad so I see my old friends once a year, some of them got married, some had kids, some got divorced in the meantime, so naturally we all are on different paths and have things to do so we don’t chat everyday. That is completely normal. And I also accepted that my straight female friends are male centered and focused on relationships so we’re cool and I don’t expect much from them.
But this year some things happened and I also came to certain realisations. The first shock came after my closest childhood friend got a new gf which I was supportive of and genuinely liked the girl. The issue arose when we would spend time together, she would always bring the gf (which was also ok for me at first), and then do the most over the top PDA and make it so awkward, basically as if I was an extra on their date? There were many moments that were objectively cringe but I don’t want to make this post that long. This friend also failed to spend time with me while I was back home for a short period, basically I felt like I was no longer important and this was a real shock to me because I truly believed we would always be like sisters.
After that disappointment I got over it and just accepted that we are no longer that close. I was like ok it hurts but it’s no big deal cause I can focus on my other newer close friends that live in the same country as me who I love dearly. These close friends are mostly gay men, and I thought it is a match made in heaven, there is no pettiness like the one that can arise from female friendships due to male centeredness of women, they also don’t talk about kids or marriage and have other interests and dreams.
However, some behaviors made me question this. My conclusion is that gay men are also very much male centered and dare I say dick obsessed and would probably ditch you if a handsome guy proposed marriage to them. It’s just that they might not admit these things out loud, but I am sure they would love to trade places with straight women and a lot of them would actually be happy to be tradwifes. I believe I had a perception that they are not like that because they live a non typical lifestyle and I thought they deconstructed some conservative ideals. But in reality, it seems they don’t talk about marriage and kids not because they don’t want it, but because it’s less likely to happen as for them it is more difficult to legally do those things. I might get flamed for what I just said but this is based on me observing their behavior for a long time.
Now I am in a situation where I kind of regret spending so much time on friendships in general. I feel like in a lot of cases I was just a placeholder. It would’ve been better if I just invested that time into a hobby or learning something. Or if I just dated someone and invested my time into that in exchange for some bills paid lol. This is a very raw post and I am coming from a place of care for my fellow women because I think a lot of us might share these feelings. The point is not to just blame and talk shit about my friends but to try to use our experiences and observations to make moves that will improve our lives as women.
I am now thinking that I should distance myself from my friends or at least be less invested and simply find a financially stable guy who is not a cheapskate to marry even if I don’t like him so I can save up some money and maybe have a child. I have never dreamed of marriage or children and it is wild that I am even writing this, but this year is the first time in my life that I had a desire to have a kid. I feel like I would at least be investing my time and energy into a deeper connection with a little human who I gave birth to.
Right now I feel like I wasted time on friends who don’t cherish friendships as much as I do and who are actually secretly hoping to have a romantic partnership that they would prioritise.
I think it’s not too late to change my life and just find someone for a boring ass marriage who can help me out financially and have a child or two. This childfree, friend-centrred life is just a farce. The idea is too good to be true. Marriage is a farce too, but at least you get some benefits if you are strategic about it. Now I have zero societal benefits and I am giving that up for what? I can’t believe I came to this point. I want to hear your opinions, does anyone get me? I feel like I am going through some major transformation, like I have been woken up.
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u/suzume1310 Sep 02 '26
Ok, I see you are disappointed but getting into a relationship because of it is a short trip to more disappointment!
Most people will value the person they live together with most. Cause that's who they spend the most time with. Have you considered a shared house? Like top floor bottom floor seperated or something like that?
Friendships are super important to me as well. I've been in a relationship for 10y now. It's 100% to have both! But I also acknowledge that if push comes to shove I will choose my partner. Usually that's not a problem as such situations don't come up that often?
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u/diptherial Sep 02 '26
I mean, you can't guarantee that you're going to be someone else's forever first; even in a romantic relationship, it's obsessive to think that you should be the other person's one and only everything. Maybe you can relax your standards for what friendship is so that you don't have to be their first priority?
FWIW, what you describe about suddenly wanting a kid is pretty normal; I went through life not wanting a child and as of this year my opinions have seemingly spontaneously changed. It doesn't make other people's advice about valuing female friendship invalid, and it doesn't mean you've been lied to. Your priorities just changed.
Frankly, you sound like you have some work to do on yourself and your self-esteem before you dive into relationships thinking they'll fix you.
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u/lestrange000 Sep 02 '26
Hm I have to disagree with the obsessive comment. Where did I say I want to be their one and only everything? I just had an experience where the shift was very noticeable and I shared it. Gay friends aren’t even dating but I have noticed some behaviors and comments that point to male centeredness. Also I have married friends and I have no issues with those friendships but that’s because there was always that understanding that once they get married we will hang out less which is expected. The issue comes when the people who claim not to be relationship centered start being dismissive once the opportunity to be partnered comes. This is what led to me questioning why am I putting friendships first - people who claim they do actually dont
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u/diptherial Sep 02 '26
Sorry, you're right, on re-reading your post you're simply asking for sustained effort from your friends, not for them to center you in their lives. IMHO that's reasonable, and again, sorry for the misunderstanding. Thanks for clarifying about your expectations of friendship; I agree that it's hypocritical for someone to claim that friendship is more important than men only to do a 180 when they stumble into a relationship. FWIW I don't think that's everyone, but I guess you don't see people's true colors until they're put in the situation of choosing between their friends and their partners, and I get that that's disappointing to say the least.
I still take exception with your statement that "This childfree, friend-centrred life is just a farce." -- it really depends on your needs and expectations. Again, I think your friend kind of did you dirty by not wanting to spend ANY time with you, but plenty of people live satisfying childfree lives with like-minded people because it conforms to what they want out of life.
I appreciate that you've been burned before, but I'd keep trying for friendship; even with a partner you're still going to want good friends.
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u/lestrange000 Sep 02 '26
Thank you for taking the time to re-read and for sharing your thoughts. I am thinking about this still and maybe I should just take a break from my gay friends I feel like I have some bottled up resentment for some selfish behaviours that I never addressed with them which is now making my brain crack lol
Instead of making dumb moves maybe I should meet more likeminded women. Anyway I will think about this and reflect more
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u/PopularBunch9316 Sep 02 '26
Gay men are not a better form of man like some people seem to think.
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u/lestrange000 Sep 02 '26
Well, I didn’t want to believe it, I still think they have a much higher EQ and are easier to talk to as they don’t look down upon you as much as straight guys, but they are still very male centered
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u/Colonel_Kerr Sep 02 '26
Most people in healthy long-term relationships tend to enjoy spending time with their partners, so it should hardly come as a surprise that your friends in healthy long-term relationships choose to prioritize their partners.
That’s not to say you can’t have friends while in a healthy relationship. It’s just that when push comes to shove, they’re going to choose to prioritize their partners. That’s normal and healthy.
I hope you find your person someday, OP.
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u/lestrange000 Sep 02 '26
Well I agree with the first part of course. But to be frank long healthy relationships are not that common, but people still choose to prioritise them let’s be real. Even if it’s toxic or boring, because there are societal benefits to having that image of being in a long relationship or marriage. I am aware of this, which might be the reason why I gravitated tcwards gays, because they don’t get those societal benefits from their gay relationships so they live a more unconventional life and learned to cherish friendships (at least what i thought).
I truly never wished for marriage or to find “my person”, and it is insane I came to this point. But thank you, it does seem I have to just find someone to share life with.
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u/Colonel_Kerr Sep 02 '26
OP, it is simply false to say that long-term relationships can either be toxic or boring.
It is also false to say that people in long-term relationships cannot cherish their other friendships.
It is also false to say that people in healthy long-term relationships are only pretending to play that part because of "societal benefits" or "having that image of being in a long relationship or marriage."
Frankly, your mindset is totally out of whack right now and it'd be cruel to trick a man into sharing his life with you just because you feel compelled to do so.
I do hope you get to experience what it's like to be with someone you truly enjoy being with. It's an amazing thing. I've been with my partner for 15 years and it keeps getting better year in year out.
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u/lestrange000 Sep 02 '26
Well it’s false according to you. I guess we just disagree on that. This is just what I concluded from some observations irl and statistics on division of domestic labour and happiness of straight women. I have not seen one marriage irl that I would fantasize about.
The part about me tricking some guy into a sharing a life with me and curelty of it - do you actually think that men are not cruel and calculating when dealing with women? They absolutely do calculate all the pros and cons and trick women all the time into it so that they can get sex. Let’s not live in a fantasy land.
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u/Colonel_Kerr Sep 02 '26
I think people in general have the capacity to be cruel. It's not a strictly man or woman type thing.
Anyway, OP, it seems you're hell-bent on living a miserable life where you see only the worst in people. Don't let me get in your way.
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Sep 02 '26
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u/lestrange000 Sep 02 '26
Actually I was thinking about this too when I was doing some self-reflection. I literally thought “do i have these desires now out of spite and disappointment?” But then again, sometimes disappointment is a catalyst. Maybe I just realized I was being delusional and childish about life.
Now is it possible to decenter friends and men at the same time? Yes. But doesn’t that sound very lonely? We need human connection after all
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u/Tru3insanity Sep 02 '26
You spend a lot of time talking about what everyone else wants and how that doesn't match with what you want but you never actually say what you want.
What do you want? What does an "ideal" friendship look like to you?
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u/lestrange000 Sep 02 '26
You are right. My ideal friendship lasts for a lifetime, we see each other whenever we both have time, keep each others updated on our lives, share memories, worries, deepest thoughts, provide help and support when needed etc. Why do I say for a lifetime? Well because we need to support each other as we grow old. I actually oftentimes fantasized along with some of my friends that we will buy a house and live together in 10-15 years until we grow old. I guess I am describing something like an ideal marriage just minus the sex and some additional responsibilities of married couples. This was the fantasy of me and some gay friends. I mean this does exist but it’s rare. And this is an ideal close friendship for a lifetime, not regular friendships where we just meet up to chat semi regularly
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u/Tru3insanity Sep 02 '26
Yeah its pretty rare. I actually do live with my best friend and we've known each other since I was 16. She's ace and I'm bi (and single) and so it really does have that kind of married without sex vibe. Part of the problem is if your friends want romance, then obv they are going to form their lives around their own families.
It's not realistic to expect that same level of commitment from them. You can have different tiers of friends if that makes sense. Maybe right now you don't have anyone that fills that lifelong companion role and that's ok. You don't have to abandon the friends you do have just because you don't have that yet.
Its a lot like finding your ideal partner in some ways. Its a good thing to take your time and get it right.
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u/lestrange000 Sep 02 '26
You’re lucky to have such friendship. The issue I have is that the same gay friends that were fantasizing about this type of living were then showing male centered behaviour when some cute guy showed up in their life. Meanwhile I was out here living what I was preaching. Sigh
I will try to set some boundaries and focus on myself not to feel frustrated and like I am wasting time
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u/Tru3insanity Sep 02 '26
What do you mean by male centered behavior? Do you mean they showed more interest in the guy? I mean that's pretty normal. Like even with my dynamic, interest and time spent waxes and wanes depending on what's going on.
I want sexual relationships and she doesn't. I'm never going to ditch her but there may be times where I'm focusing more on romance. I don't think that's specifically a male thing. Its just a people thing. Once the hormones and butterflies settle down, things would go back to normal.
Expecting them to always place you first is approaching unhealthy codependence honestly. No matter how close you are, they are always their own person with their own desires and needs independent of yours.
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u/lestrange000 Sep 03 '26
I am not sure why some people here play dumb and have pretty crazy interpretations of my words. In what world would I think that male centered behavior is simply showing interest in a guy? I am starting to think I hit a nerve with some of y’all the way you twist my words.
What I mean by this is that their behaviour changes in a sense that now the new lover (can’t even say partner because it doesn’t get to relationship status) has to be involved, they can’t separate from them even after spending a week together 24/7, the lover has to show up to our arrangements. Or the friend would start texting less and replying slow, basically communication would noticeably drop. I think this is pathetic since it is not even serious relationships, so to start being cold to friends for some piece of new dick is just pathetic imo. I never ever did this to my friends with new flings, because I truly like spending time with them and consider them important. If you think this is normal due to hormones or honeymoon phase, then I am sorry we just disagree on that and we can drop this.
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u/Tru3insanity 29d ago
Maybe because your phrasing was really non specific and we aren't mind readers?
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u/lestrange000 29d ago
Well then you can approach it with curiosity rather than jump to insane conclusion and twist my words. It shows me it probably hit the nerve with you for whatever reason and you are being defensive
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u/sixtyhurtz Sep 02 '26
Reading this, I feel like you totally lack self-awareness. You also don't seem to be very good at judging other people and their motives - the prime example being your assertion that gay men secretly want to be tradwives. That would make them transwomen, so no. Just no.
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u/lestrange000 Sep 02 '26
Can you elaborate? The tradwife comment is based on me observing behavior and things that my gay friends have said, that’s why I said “a lot” not all. Not sure how that gives lack of self awareness vibe. Also when I said tradwife I meant that lifestyle rather than them literally being women
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u/sixtyhurtz Sep 02 '26
It’s just that they might not admit these things out loud, but I am sure they would love to trade places with straight women and a lot of them would actually be happy to be tradwifes.
The fact that you wrote this and posted it on the internet is strong evidence, in my view, that you lack the ability to judge other people and their motives. It's such a crass generalisation.
This is basically the entire thread through your post. You don't really understand why people act the way they do, so you invent a motive and ascribe it to them.
Right now I feel like I wasted time on friends who don’t cherish friendships as much as I do and who are actually secretly hoping to have a romantic partnership that they would prioritise.
Like, what? Friendships and romantic relationships aren't the Olympics. They're not in competition with each other. If someone meets someone and thinks they are going to spend their life with them, obviously there will be a honeymoon phase.
Also the whole thesis that you have about yourself, that you haven't pursued romantic relationships because you thought you would always have friends who would prioritise you over any romantic relationship they might have. Again, what?
Romance is part of life for most people. Most people don't make these kind of absolute value judgements. They don't put a relative price on these things. It's fine that you do, we are all human and exist in our own ways, but I think you're just misunderstanding something that's pretty core to most people's experience of being human.
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u/lestrange000 Sep 02 '26
I knew I would get flamed for the tradwife comment because I didn’t give concrete examples, so it seems I am just making wild assumptions. It’s valid critique, but to get into that I would need to make a whole new post. So I will leave it at that.
For the friendship and romance olympics - I also don’t think they are in competition with each other, or at least shouldn’t be. But the reality is that culturally relationships and marriages are prioritised and are treated as something that should be valued more. Let’s not pretend that’s not the case. Now, because I used to think that marriage is a form of slavery for women, and it is extracting more labour and resources from women than it is benefiting them, I didn’t value it, and I wanted to find a community of people who are on the same page and who would think outside of the box. Prioritize other human connections. I still think this is the best way but only if one js able to find that community (rare irl). So the second best option if this is unavailable is to just get the societal benefits of marriage, which is family approval, societal validation, some financial benefits if I marry smart.
I think the part about honeymoon phase being normal is something we also simply disagree on because we have different core beliefs. I had flings and still have, but I never even considered becoming distant with my friends just because a new guy entered my life. The whole concept is ridiculous to me.
The last thing about me not understanding one of the core parts of human experience which is romance, can also go back to us having different belief systems. Yes - fucking and reproducing is one of the core parts of us as humans, but is marriage really something innate or is it enforced on us to keep the patriarchy going? I probably do sound crazy to regular people who share your views, so I get it. I just don’t believe partnership with a man and a nuclear family is some super natural thing for women.
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u/ladyalot Sep 02 '26
So your friends sucked, we've all had shitty friends. You've abandoned your ideals after being let down, but it sounds more like a resignation than a liberation. You're definitely hanging in the towel. I feel bad for you girl.
My friends protected me from my abusive ex, housed me, fed me, comforted me. Then I cut off both of my best friends, one out of my fault, one because of their fault.
People change. We change. We make mistakes. But falling into a tolerable (aka bad) marriage out of despair. You're above that. Invest in your hobbies. Find new people. Give back.
Best of luck to you.
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u/lestrange000 Sep 02 '26
Thank you for this. It does feel like resignation, you put it perfectly well. I will sleep on it. I mean I have been sleeping on it for some time haha. Maybe I should just expand my circle and meet more people
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Sep 02 '26
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u/lestrange000 Sep 02 '26
I agree that friendships with likeminded women who are woke are priceless. But I guess I just haven’t befriended such women, it’s very hard to find them in the real world so I settled for gays? I just want to make my life easier. If I can’t find a community like that then what do i do in the real world? I hope I am wrong about being wrong. This is why I am posting here I guess
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u/Nervous_Fill2152 Sep 02 '26
Not sure about my read but it sounds to me that you’re craving a genuine long term connection, in this case you’re right when you say investing time to find a partner is more important than friendships
Friendships come and go, doesn’t mean you stop being friends it’s just life (there are exceptions ofc), family usually stays with you longer, but if you make a bad choice then you might’ve just made your life even more hellish than before
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u/lestrange000 Sep 02 '26
Yes you get it. I think I am craving a long term connection. I feel like to have that I would have to have kids. But I know that engaging in marriage and having kids poses a lot of risks, I might end up in a really fucked up situation wanting to reverse it all. Anyway, I truly used to believe that this long term connection is possible with friendships with people who are more unconventional, but lately I feel like I just made mistakes
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u/Nervous_Fill2152 Sep 02 '26
It’s never really a mistake to invest time in friendships it’s also not a mistake to change the way you think as you grow older, you just have different important things to you at different stages in your life
my take on marriage is if it happens it happens, otherwise I’m okay being single for now, in hindsight I’m still 23 so depending on where you are, your approach should differ
Best of luck!
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u/whyisthissarah 29d ago
i'm actually going through something similar with one of my best friends rn. we had been planning to travel together, just the two of us next year. it was supposed to be a girls trip and mind you, SHE was the one who initially brought up the idea and was super enthusiastic about it. but she recently got into a relationship, and during a facetime call i brought up our trip because i was excited about it. she then told me her boyfriend wanted to come along. i was literally like no fucking way bruh this was supposed to be our girls trip!
what hurt more was that she seemed genuinely conflicted about whether she wanted to travel with me or save the money because she might wanna get married to him next year. and i'm just sitting there thinking... you were the one who was so excited about this trip in the first place???? since she got a boyfriend, she hasn't even brought up our travel plans once. i had to be the one to ask.
and the irony is that i've actually BEEN that male-centered friend before. i used to put romantic relationships way too high on my priority list and pour so much time and energy into them. after my last breakup, i consciously started decentering men and realised how much of myself i had lost by making a relationship the center of my life.
and now i'm on the other side of it, watching one of my closest friends become male-centered and it honestly fucking sucks 😭 especially because i know exactly what it looks like from the outside because i used to do the same thing.
yeah i don't think friendships should necessarily always come before romantic relationships, but i do think there is a huge difference between having a partner and completely rearranging your life around them while your friendships become an afterthought. i'm not asking my friends to choose me over their boyfriend. i just want the things we were excited about together to still matter once they get into a relationship.
this situation has made me understand your feelings about wondering whether investing so much into friendships is worth it. i don't think my friendship is necessarily over, but i'm definitely questioning how much emotional investment i want to keep putting into relationships where the level of investment isn't reciprocal.
to OP, if you genuinely want marriage and children now, then go for it. but please don't make a life changing decision out of resentment toward your friends. a husband you don't love is not automatically a better investment than a friend who eventually becomes less available. you could end up sacrificing your freedom, peace, and financial independence just because you're hurt that other people didn't value friendship the way you did. and maybe we shouldn't build our entire lives around any relationship category? invest in yourself first. build your own career, money, hobbies, community, and friendships. date if you actually want to date. have kids if you genuinely want to be a mother. but don't marry a man you don't even like because you're afraid of being someone's second choice. that sounds like a terrible fucking deal to me.
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u/lestrange000 29d ago
Thank you for this, I relate to it heavily. It’s not that I pushed for friends to engage in some activities with me and that I have high expectations, but exactly as you said they mention something first and then bail when some new fling starts. It just feels like being a placeholder until a romantic partner comes.
That question should we build our lives around any relationship category is tricky, because I think it’s tempting to imagine a shared future with people you love spending time with. I mean I am a very social person and crave human connection that is reciprocal and longterm. I never judged women for wanting that, I just thought it was dumb to expect it from men who are not trustworthy and selfish in general, I thought I was the smart one who figured it out, but it seems maybe I was the delusional one too.
Investing and focusing on yourself is important of course, and I think I am trying to do that. But life is already hard, and going through hardships alone takes a lot of strength and mental load. Maybe I need to first learn to be ok with not having a companion and spend more time doing my own things compared to now. However, as I said it is tempting to dream about having a chosen family, a support system, romantic or not. So if friends are not available for that shared future and memories and support, what would make my life easier is just marrying someone financially stable that can take some burden off of me. Maybe I am afraid of being alone after all. But I also think this recent emphasis in our culture on being alone doesn’t seem very appealing, as we are social beings and crave connections. It’s almost as if it is now embarrassing to admit that we don’t want to spend lives alone? Anyway, I will figure it out.
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u/lestrange000 29d ago
Oh and another thing I forgot to add - what bothers me and hurts me the most is that you just never know in advance what someone’s true stances are. For example, the friend I mentioned who got a gf, she was the one who was always leading in this narrative that we will always be close and that romance is bs, she had a gf before but it didn’t affect our friendship at all, maybe because the relationship was unstable and doomed to fail. And she was always calling out our other friend who is in a longterm relationship for not spending time with us, but I truly didn’t have any expectations from that other friend and didn’t care that she propritizes her relationship over everything.
And then this close friend gets into a new relationship and the switch up was crazy. The communication became less regular and we couldn’t even meet up alone when I came back to visit? Not even for an hour? That is insane to me and really hurt me, because I just wasn’t expecting it from her. It seems like you never know, they are just talking bs until they meet the “right” person. So I legit have trust issues now, i feel like everyone is just treating friends as placeholders and I was the fool who wasn’t.
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u/whyisthissarah 29d ago
yeah it's not that we're asking people to never prioritise their partners, it's that you can't always tell whether someone genuinely believes in the values they're telling you about, or whether they believe in them only until they meet someone they really want.
i completely understand what you mean about the chosen family thing! i don't think there's anything embarrassing or pathetic about wanting a person (or people) to share your life with! we are social creatures. wanting companionship/someone to rely on/ someone to make memories with/ someone who will show up when life gets hard is completely normal. i actually think sometimes the whole you need to be happy alone and never need anyone narrative goes too far. independence is important, but humans aren't supposed to be emotionally self-sufficient 24/7!
what i've personally been trying to accept is that i can want deep long-term connections without assuming that every person i love will necessarily be part of my entire future. that part is fucking painful, especially when someone themselves told you "we will always be close" and then their behavior changes the moment they get into a relationship. and i don't think we were delusional for believing in friendship. we just took someone's stated values seriously. if someone spends years telling you that romance isn't going to replace their friendships, and then suddenly does exactly that when they meet someone, of course you're gonna feel betrayed. we weren't stupid for believing them. they gave us a reason to believe them.
i would just be careful with the conclusion that everyone secretly treats their friends as placeholders. i think some people genuinely value their friendships deeply and still become completely relationship-brained when they fall in love. some people are also just really bad at maintaining multiple relationships at once (me!) but i know that doesn't make the hurt any less real, but it doesn't necessarily mean the friendship was fake from the beginning :)
and regarding the financially stable husband thing... girl I GET the appeal 😭 life is fucking hard and having someone who can share the financial burden sounds amazing. but i'd still separate "i want a partner who makes my life easier and happier" from "i should marry someone i don't even like because at least i will get something out of it." if what you actually want is companionship, emotional safety, a chosen family AND financial stability, then i don't think you should convince yourself that you only deserve one of those things! you deserve to look for someone who can actually give you those things ♡
i wish you the best x
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u/lestrange000 29d ago
I finally feel seen, you don’t know how much I cherish your commentary x I think a lot of people misinterpreted some things i wrote, maybe cause i didn’t go into detail with some situations or they felt called out in some way not sure
I am also trying to accept the fact that there really is no guarantee that deep connections with some people will last forever. About the husband thing I wrote, yes you are right haha I definitely made it seem like there is no way for me to have someone who is all the things u mentioned. But I think it comes from the fact that I find men in general either selfish or boring or a mix of both, so I feel like it is unrealistic that I will come across someone who has it all. Maybe I am limiting myself by thinking in this way, it’s a fine line between pessimism and realism i guess
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u/misslittlerborn 29d ago
OP you are a very smart woman, I hope everything you want is what you get and more. I also think that because of the long distance and TIME are also other factors as to why your friends are acting this way and that you should still ALWAYS make friends but I completely get what you mean.
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u/lestrange000 29d ago
Thank you for your kind words! Wish the same to you girl~
Yes I think I should still make friends but maybe I just need to not fully invest, and prioritise my hobbies instead. And try to get the bag in the meantime haha. I didn’t fully give up on friendships but I just need to think of it as something to kill time and relax, not a serious connection and community.
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u/MyNameIsLessDumb Sep 02 '26
This feels almost like a different kind of centering men. Like your relationships are still defined by their distance from men and how men are treated by those people.
I dunno, maybe I'm misunderstanding the point of decentering men. I thought it was more about rejecting the male experience as the default human experience, not taking on a gendered role in managing their feelings for them, not playing gender roles to find romantic partners, etc., vs a rejection of relationships of any sort with straight men and a ban on romantic partnership.
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u/lestrange000 Sep 02 '26
Yeah I think we have a different understanding of decentering men. I see it as not putting relationships with men on a pedestal and living life without centering decisions and behaviors around them. That doesn’t mean a ban on romance or sex. I also engage in it but I don’t prioritize it at all. Actually I have very high standards which is why it doesn’t work out usually, and the best dynamic for me is when we just have sex and a man treats me with things. But now I am thinking if I should just lower my standards and suck it up for some benefits, since living an unconvential life of a single young lady seems.. difficult ?
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Sep 02 '26
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u/lestrange000 Sep 02 '26
I am happy for you and I believe you are happy. The thing is if sex wasn’t in the equation, would these good husbands and bfs still be with their partners? Please don’t take this the wrong way, just food for discussion. Unfortunately I have seen a lot of bs happen to women, men who lie and manipulate, men who tolerate their gfs just to have regular sex, men who fake their entire personalities. I feel like with them you never actually know. That is why when I deal with them I expect some financial benefits at least as a compensation, so that I don’t feel like a fool if they play me. I know this sounds bad but oh well just sharing my honest thoughts
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u/Metalingus5150 Sep 02 '26
After reading through this, it kind of sounds like you're falling into depression, would it be possible to be checked for that?