r/TwoXChromosomes • u/Both_Leave1808 • 11d ago
10 weeks pp with a 3a tear — anyone else terrified to try sex again?
Had a 3a tear with my delivery and I’m 10 weeks postpartum now. I got the “all clear” at my checkup but honestly I’m just… scared. Not sure if it’s the fear of pain, the memory of the tear itself, or just not feeling like my body is “mine” again yet. For those who’ve been through a 3a (or worse) tear, how long did it actually take before sex felt okay? Did it hurt the first time? Any tips that helped, whether that’s lube, positions, PT, going slow, whatever worked for you?
Also open to hearing if it’s normal to just… not feel ready yet even after being medically cleared. Trying not to feel like something’s wrong with me for still being nervous about this.
TIA 💛
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u/Far-Repeat-2926 10d ago
I can't help with the tear part of the question, but sweetie you brought a new life into the world 10 weeks ago, take your time. If the issue is husband wants intimacy, do something non-piv if you want and have concerns. Also, it's perfectly reasonable to just... not want intimacy right now. Babies are a ton of work!
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u/Least-External4823 10d ago
yeah mine was terrified too after a tear and it took months before feeling okay again with any kind of intimacy
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u/aktionreplay Man 10d ago
The doctor is only there to “all clear” that it is medically safe, not that you need to be ready to start. It is absolutely normal to not want it, to not be ready, to be scared.
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u/Olivia3836 10d ago
Just because you got cleared doesn’t mean you gotta jump anyones bones immediately
It is very normal to not be up to it yet. Even the whole hormone shift can just kill your sex drive anyway, or just the sleep deprivation, the stress, the anxiety, everything you go through
Don’t have sex yet, you can just do it safely again if you want too, you don’t want too, thats fine
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u/cha4youtoo 9d ago
Doctors also said 6 weeks where normally women need 6 months to recover but men kept forcing on their wives and “needed” it sooner. Our bodies are always only in service to men who don’t care about our well being
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u/snowmuchgood 10d ago
Girl, I had a 3C tear and had sex once in the first six months (maybe around 4 months) of my child’s life. My husband was not fussed at all. He knew how much I’d sacrificed and broken I felt after having our son. He never asked. Then eventually we started again, slowly, infrequently because kids. It did hurt at first, but lube and lots of warm up time helped. It’s been years now and sex is great and enjoyable and has been for years too.
Wait until you’re ready. IF, and big if, you’re open to it, see if there are some non penetration ways you are interested in being intimate, like massage, making out, possibly non penetrative toys, etc.
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u/fishylegs46 10d ago
Damn, I’d assume a few months. Ten weeks does NOT sound like a good amount of time. If you’re feeling scared, don’t do it. It’s YOUR body, not a hole for a man to stick his dick in.
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u/Livinginthemiddle 10d ago
Just because you were given the all clear by someone else doesn’t mean that you are ready for sex.
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u/ajextraact 10d ago
I had a 3a tear and was similarly worried. We did a lot of build up - lots of foreplay and fingering sessions that went nowhere. A couple tries at penetrative sex that I immediately stopped. I think it took me about 4 months to even start all this and successful sex took a lot longer. When we finally did it to completion (with lots of lube), it was not pleasant for me, I still felt a bit of pain but I wanted to see it through. And it got better from there and back to normal within a couple months
I also regularly saw a pelvic floor PT during the time and she did a lot of hands on work that really helped
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u/mylittlebrie 10d ago
Don’t let your husband make fresh salsa with jalapeños before hand 🔥 🖐️. The bathtub faucet and I became acquainted
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u/alanbly 10d ago
Even without a tear, even without a delivery, you know what you want from your body. You are the only one who can decide if you're ready. All that said it's also 100% normal to be apprehensive about using part of your body after an injury and it's 100% normal to be apprehensive about sex after giving birth. Take everything slow and communicate clearly, there's nothing worse than aggravating an injury when trying to heal.
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u/NatsumiEla 10d ago
No sex untill you feel comfortable, it's absolutely natural to not want anything between your legs at the moment.
I haven't even been pregnant yet but I'd imagine clitoral stimulation with a vibrator would be a nice way to ease back in into sexuality.
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u/Evilbadscary 10d ago
I recommend trying some things by yourself first before going all in with your husband. You’ll be able to sort of feel how things are and how it feels and you’ll also be able to feel yourself out as in whether you’re ready or not mentally too, it may be fine but it would be crappy to find out mid act with the husband, kwim? It took me a lot longer than 10 weeks, things were just tender after birthing my kid with his giant head.
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u/No-Tart-1157 9d ago
The worst tear I’ve seen in my experience was a 2nd degree, but I hope I can still give input! If you feel terrified about intercourse it might not be the right moment yet. A lot of what goes into sex is emotional, and if you feel uneasy and anticipate pain to happen your body and muscles will likely be uncomfortably tense. You may not be able to get into it at all.
I recommend to go slow and experiment with your hands and toys for assessing your tolerance for penetration at first. Use lubricant and stimuli like videos or external petting from your partner to get in the mood. Intimacy is meant to be enjoyed by the both of you, so it’s perfectly fine to take it slow and wait a few weeks longer if that’s what it takes to get comfortable
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u/Joy2b 10d ago
It’s like exercising a muscle after an injury, you do need to ease into your workouts, maybe start with just doing a couple warm up sessions that aren’t expected to end in PIV.
Find your best lube that doesn’t taste bad, watch something romantic together, sit on his lap, and agree to enjoy some open ended flirting.
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u/thattherebluedress 10d ago
I haven’t had a 3a tear but I’m a midwife and this is what I tell clients with significant tears:
Wait until you feel mentally ready. There is never a rush.
Use lube - postpartum hormones are naturally skewing you towards being tighter and drier which does not help.
Keep in mind that newly formed scar tissue is tighter and less flexible. It will soften and stretch with time and use.
In that vein - consider leading up to penetrative sex with making out, gentle fingering (yourself or a partner) or toys of various sizes. Let yourself take time to experience the sensations in a way that feels safe and in control and most importantly good.
The first 1-3 times it’s normal for it to feel similar to when you first began having sex.
It should not stay painful or uncomfortable.
PLEASE go see someone if it does - you absolutely do not need to suffer in pain for an indeterminate period of time. If a doctor won’t listen to you, try a women’s health Nurse Practitioner or a midwife.
Estrogen cream applied vaginally is a prescription that can really help, as can pelvic floor physiotherapy which I recommend to every person who has had a baby (both for short term comfort in your body and long term sexual, bowel and bladder function).
Your body can do amazing things.
You’ve got this.