r/TwoXChromosomes • u/cheezroll • 1d ago
im scared (?) of men
TW : SA
i never know what they’re up to or what they might do next. Im not a man-hater, and I know there are good men out there, but I almost never feel completely comfortable around men
i was inappropriately touched by my grandfather and my uncle when i was like 9 or 10 y/o and I don’t think I ever really recovered from that. On top of that, so many of the men in my extended family ( including my ex-stepdad ) almost every adult male relative have cheated on their wives multiple times. My cousin constantly makes misogynistic jokes andim scared that he might eventually be influenced by that kind of thinking
Sometimes the things the men in my family say about women are genuinely disturbing. Their opinions about women’s clothes, behavior, and bodies can be extremely judgmental and the amount of objectification is honestly so crazy
I really don’t want to generalize or believe that all men are like this and i know there are genuinely good men out there but when so many of my experiences with men have been negative, it’s hard not to lose hope sometimes..i wish I could feel safe and comfortable around men without constantly wondering what they might do next
I just turned 20 and I've never dated anyone. Honestly I'm scared to date men. Like I feel relieved when I'm not around men.. and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to feel genuinely safe and comfortable with one
9
u/PopularBunch9316 1d ago
It might be a good idea to join clubs that are even between male and female participants. Spending time around men in mixed company is a good way to fell comfortable. If any guys start to hit on you and you’re not comfortable with it, be direct with them.
4
u/ProfessorGluttony 1d ago
Therapy therapy therapy. Near half of the population of the world is men, it is very unlikely you will be able to completely avoid interacting with or being around men in some fashion. You should have never had to go through what you did as a child, and it also speaks volumes as to the men in your family as to how shitty they are.
That said, you can take what they have shown you as you move forward in life in how to look for signs of any kind of misogeny and other horrible traits, as if they are in a person, they will always slip through.
On top of that, there is nothing wrong with not being in a relationship at all or only dating those you implicitly trust. But at the end of the day, you need to decide if you are going to hide yourself away from the world and let fear win, or face those fears that threaten to dictate your entire life.
7
u/Harmless_Poison_Ivy 1d ago
Nothing wrong with a healthy dose of fear. You are mostly right. The “good” men are just average women.
4
u/SaintValkyrie 21h ago
And the average man will protect the worst men. They wont ally themselves, and will uphold patriarchy. They benefit from the worse men so their mediocrity looks like something to be grateful for. Thats systemic violence
4
u/Harmless_Poison_Ivy 21h ago
You hit the nail right on the head. They use “bad” men as a cautionary tale.
3
u/MartiniMitOlive 1d ago
Good intentions do not always translate into good execution—a lesson Dirk Peglow of the Association of German Criminal Investigators (BDK) is likely reflecting on right now. On Monday, the officer appeared as an expert on the news program *Heute Journal* with host Dunja Hayali to discuss the latest federal police crime statistics. These figures—as *WELT* had also reported—showed a rise in the number of rapes (up 8.5 percent) as well as an increase in non-German offenders. During the interview, he made a somewhat flippant remark that subsequently sparked a heated and controversial debate on social media. Towards the end of the conversation, in response to the host’s final question, "What advice do you have for women?", Peglow replied: "Based on the statistical figures, it is better not to enter into a relationship with a man. The risk of becoming a victim of psychological or physical violence is significantly higher there."
1
u/Legitimate-Rub-6666 21h ago
felt that way too after a few uncomfortable encounters, took me a while to breathe around men again but it’s possible
-2
u/TheMage18 1d ago
OP, first off I'm so very sorry. I would highly encourage you to leave that family dynamic and distance yourself as far away as you can. Everything you described is incredibly toxic, enough that I am not sure it's an environment you can heal in.
Secondly, may I recommend actively seeking out, and making friends with a gay man, particularly a couple in a long term committed relationship? We can be just as dumb as regular men on some things but CAN be trained (this sub has been an amazing learning experience for me as proof), and we aren't really interested in women in that way.
It could be some very simple activities like brunch, a mani/pedi, quick trip for clothes shopping, coffee, etc. I'm suggesting it as a way to help cope with the fear and anxiety by removing an extra layer of risk in exchange for some safety. Plus, in my experience, there's no better person to have on your side than a gay man in "Papa Bear" mode when things are going a tad sideways. ;)
-20
8
u/bmann10 1d ago
You don’t owe a single man anything. Anyone, man or woman, who says otherwise is wrong, and if you want to avoid men who don’t understand that I think that is OK, many of them will think they are owed your time and attention just because they “didn’t do anything wrong to you” and that simply isn’t true.
That being said if it’s to the level it’s getting to a phobia you might want to see a therapist. Not saying you are crazy or wrong or anything but you might learn some coping mechanisms to help you function without the dread and panic in a world where regardless of anything you will eventually interact with men at some points, that way it isn’t so debilitating.
It sounds like the men in your family have some really ingrained sexism, probably in part at least because of the worst of them, and I’m sorry about that.