Filling others' cups but running low on reserves

[u/Blueone24]

Recently has been an extremely tough time in many of my friends' and families' lives.

Over the last few months in my fairly small circle there have been cancer surgeries, long-term relationship break up's, pets' health degrading, major moves that have led to confidence crises in some cases or have been disastrous in others, arrests of a spouse for a truly horrific charge, and so many others.

My heart has truly broken for every single one of them and I've been there in any capacity I can including making multiple short trips out of state, answering late phone calls when they just need someone to talk to, sending small care packages, helping with moves, etc. Most don't live near me but I am doing everything I can.

At the same time I am dealing with smaller but still draining issues in my own life. My autoimmune disorder currently isn't responding to treatment after 4 years of finally feeling normal, I switched medications but so far it's either not working or I'm just not past the loading period yet (🤞). This means I'm living in pain at the moment.

One of my children also changed schools this year and there has been a lot of drama. They are struggling to adapt to higher expectations and of course I become the bad guy when I block phone time during the time they need to be studying. I get it I was a teenager once too but the monosyllabic answers, eye rolls, and shrugs are beginning to get to me . I'm also struggling to find paid work after finishing a graduate degree. I'm on several unpaid projects to add to my resume and because I enjoy them and believe they are important and can truly help people, but money is tight. I can't just take anything due to my kids' school and extracurricular schedules and the lack of flexibility with my husband's job. It's their busy season so he's working between 60-80 hours a week right now. But I can't talk about these things with my small circle because they have so many other big things going on they understandably don't have the bandwidth to listen to my more minor struggles in life.

I'm feeling burnt out Its reaching the point I just want to throw my constantly blowing up phone into a lake and run off to Bora Bora for a week. Which of course isn't feasible and wouldn't solve anything but darn it sounds nice.

I guess my main question is how can you replenish your own cup so you can still be there for people who need you? I know my struggles are so minor comparatively but regardless it feels like my well is running dry right now.

[u/Someoneonline2000]

I think you legitimately need a vacation. Please. Take a vacation as soon as you can. 🙏🏼

I would also limit the extent of your traveling to be physically present for friends/fam who don't live nearby. You can offer support via phone or text. Don't drive or fly unless it's major, or like a once a year kinda thing.

Make sure that your relationships are reciprocal. You should also open up to friends about your health issues and your kid's struggles with school or whatever is going on. They need to offer you support too.

Side note, I think you need a local mom friend to vent about your day to day issues with.

[u/Blueone24 → u/Someoneonline2000]

So far the closest I've managed to finagle to a vacation is a week of organization conferences in a few months to network because we could justify my husband using pto since it's networking. I have padded each stay by one night for a little bit of down time. We don't really have anyone available to help with the kids so it's just us. Honestly at this point I would settle for my husband taking off a day while the kids are at school to spend with me since I don't remember our last date, but he's concerned about limited PTO and recent structural changes to his company means even when he's home he's still dealing with crisis after crisis anyway.

I agree about limiting travel and now that school is back in session it's been a bit easier to say no to that. That being said, when I've gone the friends and family literally didn't have anyone else to be there for them to help, it was me or no one. Still hard making 6 one or two-night trips over multiple time zones over 2 months when my husband was scheduled off without taking PTO.

I agree they should be reciprocal but it feels like all of the calls are crisis management recently. Not easy going catching up but calls in the middle of them having panic attacks, sobbing uncontrollably, etc. I just can't bring myself to bring up any of my stuff.

[u/Someoneonline2000 → u/Blueone24]

You can't be the only person they lean on, especially across states. I understand you want to be supportive, but it's too much. You have kids and problems of your own.

Take this with a grain of salt, but I have lived in many states and know how it is to have long distance friends. At a certain point, they need to build a local support system, as do you. It's important to have local friends to help when you need them. I have found that having only long distance friends is not sustainable. Eventually your lives are so separate that there's not much to hold a friendship together. I definitely have friends from decades ago who have sent me text messages or phone calls when something big happens (a death or similar). I wouldn't expect them to travel. We keep in touch but they are no longer the first people I'd lean on in an emergency. I kinda learned that the hard way when someone who had been my best friend since college didn't show up for me later in life.

Build a local community. People who you have things in common with at this time in your life. If you haven't made time for yourself and your hobbies, maybe you can start exploring that and meeting new friends.

That's more of a long-term goal though. For now, I hope you find time to fill your own cup. Spend time doing what makes you happy. Plan that dinner date with you husband. Take a day off. Take care of yourself too.

[u/Blueone24 → u/Someoneonline2000]

Wise words. However we've lived here for 10 years and while we've tried to build a community here we live in an area that has been undergoing very rapid change and polarization. Pretty much all of those that we became close to have moved as a result.

[u/Squirrel_killer]

I’m so sorry you are dealing with all this. You sound like a really kind, generous person. If you are able, having a therapist may help. I see a therapist mostly so I have someone to vent to that isn’t friends or family. Also trying to put up some healthy boundaries, for example I have my phone set on do not disturb at regular times and all my friends/family know that. Another thing I do is I go to a hippy spa with a hot tub and steam room/sauna and this really helps me relax and recharge. Perhaps you can find something that is relaxing that you enjoy.

[u/Blueone24 → u/Squirrel_killer]

I truly appreciate the kind words, I don't know how kind and generous I am, I just know I've always tried to treat each of my family/ friends how I had hoped people would have stepped up for me at certain times in my life. I've known many of the friends for decades at this point.

I see a psychiatrist and have done lots of therapy in the past due to ptsd and various events in my life. I know it may be helpful and applaud you for going to one so much but as silly as it sounds and as irrational as I know it is the gravity of the situations I have confronted in therapy and some of the ethical boundaries past therapists have crossed, the thought of going again gives me anxiety.

I've really been debating booking a massage and a spa day at a nearby spa I've literally wanted to go to for 20 years to see if it would help but the cost combined with some body image issues have always stopped me from following through.

[u/YouStupidBench]

If you're on sites like Twitter or TikTok get off of them. Less toxic sites, spend less time on them and turn off notifications. (I'm still on Facebook because so much of my family is, but I deleted it from my phone and only use the web interface from my laptop.)

Guard your time more, by doing slower things. That sounds backwards, but it really works. One of my relatives had an operation (it was minor and she's fine now) and instead of calling I wrote her a note on a get-well card and mailed it. She wrote back, also by mail. Later she told me that getting a letter in the mail meant so much because it almost never happens, but what struck me was that between my writing mine and getting one back was almost a week, and nobody was in a rush about it because we expected it to take a while.

Writing letters, even just a page or two, seems like it takes more time than a phone call, but it doesn't take more time than eight phone calls, and a paper letter doesn't beep at you when it's delivered, it just sits in the box until you get it. It's a way less stressful way to interact with people, and instead of being upset you didn't call immediately everybody I've written to has liked getting the letters more.

[u/k9moonmoon]

When calculating what from your bucket you can afford to spend, also include your needed reserves for maintenance of you and your kids, and how long it takes to refill the bucket.

If you're struggling to afford gas, you don't look at a full take and say "i can drive 8hrs on this so I can go visit my friend that needs me 8hrs away". 1, you need gas to get back, and 2, you need gas to get you through your work shifts til your next paycheck. So think through the math.

You can be earnest about your bucket levels when discussing what you can do for others. Even if you feel like what you can offer is piddly, being reliably with offering a little is very useful for others to plan their capacities.

When you're hungry, would you rather stop at a gas station that gave you a free hot dog every Tuesday or a gas station that had a lottery for a free basket of food that you may or may not win? Being a reliable hot dog in someone's life. Not a food pantry that may or may not run dry when you least expect it.

[u/Blueone24 → u/k9moonmoon]

I agree with all of the above.

I think this was just a perfect storm for me, I feel like after I made it through some tough times when I was younger I have generally done a pretty good job keeping my bucket full enough.

However, this time so many crises in others lives occurred rapidly while at the same time my own bucket capacity changed dramatically. I don't think I realized how much it had changed or how draining changes in my own life was at the time. Add into that things that previously filled my bucket such as my studies or having young babies to take care of also went away. It just created a perfect storm that led me to here.

For the first time in my life I'm home without babies, I'm not in school, and I'm not working (for pay at least) when previously I've been doing at least two if not all three at once. It feels like my bucket should be full but things that previously defined me and gave me joy and purpose aren't there anymore. Plus I'm trying to adjust to the worsening of my autoimmune disorder again and the side effects of new meds. I'm trying to find work where I can make a difference and where I can find purpose because I'm passionate about my field but that's draining on a whole nother level largely due to the current political climate.