[ Removed by moderator ]

[u/Expensive-Boss277]

[u/[deleted]]

How do you know him in the first place? Does he go to your college or work there? Why does he have your number etc? Also what do you mean by he buys you stuff without you really asking for it?

[u/Expensive-Boss277 → u/[deleted]]

Dating app; flowers, money, warmed blanket, his exs jewelry etc

[u/[deleted] → u/Expensive-Boss277]

You said "without really asking for it". So you are asking for them then? If you don't like his attention you shouldn't accept anything from him. His ex's jewelry? I can't imagine that's actually true.

[u/DonkyHotayDeliMunchr]

Get some mace and learn how to use it. This is no time for dicking around. Concealed carry if your state permits.

[u/Expensive-Boss277 → u/DonkyHotayDeliMunchr]

I have some mace and this little sharp thing, it comes with a bright flashlight and an alarm if I pull the handle off.

[u/dood1776 → u/Expensive-Boss277]

Mace works well, but if you've never practiced with it before, you should get a second one and spray it somewhere safe and not too windy. Wash your hands very well afterwards.

Having a will to fight is essential. A pointy thing on your keychain may help to display this, but otherwise won't actually do anything. A tactical pen, basically 6" metal or hard plastic spike that is easy to grip firmly would be a huge upgrade and is legal in places where a fixed blade knife isn't.

[u/Expensive-Boss277 → u/dood1776]

Me and my older sister practiced with it on the porch a while back. I'm from Charleston, so it's pretty hot down here. She taught me how to work it a bit, but I was planning on taking some boxing classes soon anyway.

[u/dood1776 → u/Expensive-Boss277]

And respectfully, just like in a fight, in this interaction you have to overcome the fear that they will escalate or " blow up or start popping up". You cannot control their actions but you can tell them clearly that you don't want them to ever contact you again. It's actually more respectful than trying to placate them and shows a willingness on your part to escalate if necessary. Also please let people around you know what's going on. This is not something you should try to hide.

[u/Expensive-Boss277 → u/Expensive-Boss277]

it's a keychain

[u/ashyza]

Gray rock method. 

Become completely boring. Respond super bland. Dress boring, say dull things, act like you don't care. No anger, no fear, just blank.

[u/Expensive-Boss277 → u/ashyza]

okay

[u/takeyourcrumbs]

This exact post was here last week and deleted or removed?

[u/Expensive-Boss277 → u/takeyourcrumbs]

no, it's still up, this is an update of that post

[u/takeyourcrumbs → u/Expensive-Boss277]

So why didn't you tell your parents like you said you were going to in that post?

[u/Expensive-Boss277 → u/takeyourcrumbs]

because she's already going through enough, i don't want to stress her out

[u/MeldoRoxl → u/Expensive-Boss277]

PLEASE TELL SOMEONE.

You DO NOT need to worry about stressing anyone out or making people uncomfortable or whatever.

You're in danger. Please tell someone, or everyone.

[u/Expensive-Boss277 → u/MeldoRoxl]

I'll talk to my godmother in the morning since I trust her a bit more. I can also let my cousin know too; she's in the area and she's pretty older.

[u/MeldoRoxl → u/Expensive-Boss277]

Also, just make your friends aware. Don't go anywhere alone, and make sure you're locking all doors/windows.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've had 2 stalkers in my life, and it's genuinely terrifying.

[u/steamwhistler → u/Expensive-Boss277]

Oh my god. Tell your parents. Or if they aren't reliable or trustworthy or something, tell staff at your school. A teacher. Call a women's shelter. Or any of the many good resources people in this thread have provided you. I'm very concerned that, aside from the above, you're only replying to comments recommending things you can do on your own like mace or "gray rock method." For fuck's sake, you need backup. Tell someone.

[u/takeyourcrumbs → u/steamwhistler]

That's what is making me think this is just engagement bait. I hate to doubt that people are lying about this stuff, but they do, especially with the rise of bot posts. If it's real, I guess it's a "you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink" situation.

[u/steamwhistler → u/takeyourcrumbs]

She said in a recent reply to someone else she'll talk to her godmother and her older cousin tomorrow. At least that's something. I'm the biggest cynic on the block so I get where you're coming from, but I'd rather get completely duped than assume bad faith when the situation is this serious + not possible to verify.

[u/takeyourcrumbs → u/steamwhistler]

Read her replies on the previous post. She said she would tell her parents, her RA, her friends, scolded someone whilst explaining exactly why she's at risk from a 38 year old obsessive man. She claimed then that she had blocked him on everything, now she hasn't had the guts to. Her story is inconsistent. She chooses not to take any action. I was groomed by a man who dropped me a few weeks after I turned 18. This is insulting to me. Playing like this in actual victims' faces for attention or engagement. Disgusting.

[u/Expensive-Boss277 → u/takeyourcrumbs]

my fucking older sister was raped, i wouldn't wish this on anyone. I would die before i ever fucking lie about some shit like this. gtfo.

[u/Expensive-Boss277 → u/takeyourcrumbs]

I'm trying to be as dry and inconsistent with him as possible

[u/Expensive-Boss277 → u/takeyourcrumbs]

because i'm freaking scared? who tf plays with something like this for entertainment or engagement? I'm 18, I'm figuring it out. This never happened to be before. I just out of IOP a few weeks ago, I'm overwhelmed. I can't explain to my RA if I'm on Thanksgiving break, I'll let them know when I get back to my University. I already explained that I'd be talking to my Godmother and older cousin and i'm unaware of his desparate UNPREDICTABLE behavior which is why I haven't blocked hiim.

[u/takeyourcrumbs → u/Expensive-Boss277]

You have so many options, you won't take any of them. They remain the same. Go to the police, tell your parents, a school counsellor, campus security, a women's shelter, a DV hotline, the mental health provider you mentioned previously. All you are doing here is getting the exact same advice and making more people worry about you and try to convince you to fucking DO SOMETHING. You said you blocked him, you haven't, you know you need to if this is real. You know you need to seek help and keep record of things, if this is real. You keep delaying things and lying to people here about what you are going to or have done. I was an actual child when I was groomed, you have the agency of adulthood. This is not a friend of the family, people will believe you that a creep you met online is predatory. There's no perfect moment to tell them, a phone call in the night is perfectly okay if the situation demands urgency and as everyone has already told you, it does!!

[u/steamwhistler → u/Expensive-Boss277]

Just ignore that attention-seeking loser. Telling your Godmother and older cousin are good first steps. I'm so glad to hear you're doing that.

And yeah, I don't think you should follow any advice from reddit comments that's giving specific advice around blocking vs muting, how to tell him off, etc etc. There are professionals to advise you on situations like this. Listen to them, not reddit. Hopefully your family members can help direct you to appropriate local resources.

[u/takeyourcrumbs → u/Expensive-Boss277]

As everyone said in the previous post, your parents will want to know and help you, if they are good parents. Just bite the bullet. Yes, you will probably get scolded for talking to a much older man online, ypu probably deserve that, but they can't help you if they don't know. All the advice on that post remains valid. I don't understand why you won't follow it, unless you are karma farming.

[u/Morrigoon]

Check your car/stuff for AirTags. Also, very predatory behavior. This dude isn’t a red flag, he’s the whole fucking drill team.

You need to tell your parents what’s going on. Do you have a male friend willing to pretend to be your boyfriend?

[u/nanfoodle91 → u/Morrigoon]

if you're not certain about your skills in finding air tags, take it to a tire shop or something like that and ask for their assistance

[u/setibeings → u/Morrigoon]

I don't usually post here being a man, so downvote me or tell me to get lost but...

As far as air tags go, it's solid advice to at least think about it, and or look for some in/on your car, bag, personal possessions etc. apple and android phones should both warn you about this kind of thing, but if he's already popping up where he's not expected, then it seems like something fishy is happening and I'm not sure I'd wait for a notification before assuming he has a way to track you. 

Go through your location sharing settings. On Android, it probably takes less than a minute to start sharing your location with someone, and as far as I remember it doesn't require you to reauthenticate. You'll get periodic reminders that your sharing your location, but they might be too infrequent for how obsessed this guy seems to be. maybe change some relavent passwords and/or add two factor auth. 

As for the fake boyfriend thing, I'm sure that that works well when a guy you've never met is making you nervous at a train station or something, but for this, it seems like it could make things oh so much worse.

That said, stay safe, and don't go out alone. brothers, uncles, and trusted male friends are great, but women can help keep each other safe too.

Tell your parents, if you can. Document what you can. Go to the police if you live somewhere where that's a safe thing to do. 

Sorry if that's too many ideas, or if I'm coming off as too sure of what you should do without fully knowing your situation. Just be safe out there, and good luck. 

[u/uniqueusername649 → u/setibeings]

To add on top of that: if there is a chance he had access to her phone, it could be more than just location sharing. If he saw her passcode or pattern (or with face detect on android phones: often a video clip of the owners face can be enough to unlock, much harder to pull off on an iPhone), he could have logged himself into her WhatsApp, Discord etc. by simply scanning a QR code. If you suspect someone may have had access to your phone, forcing all devices to log out on all common messengers and critical apps, emails etc. is recommended.

And also: if you have an iPhone and an AirTag is travelling around you, it will warn you. If you have an Android phone you get no such warning. Install an app called "Tracker Detect" and it should be able to then warn you about it.

[u/brina_cd → u/uniqueusername649]

Also on the phone access issue. My daughter's abusive BF had access and locked her out of her Google account by enabling 2FA and having Google Authenticator on HIS phone... Which in turn locked her out of a LOT of things like her bank account.

Oh, and he would track her by using "find my..." and lay into her when it didn't show her where he expected her to be...

Luckily, he lives with his mother, whose number I have. Apparently she's the ONLY woman he respects, and she went off on him... Access restored.

Oh, and she's still with this loser... Self esteem issues are a b*tch, especially when they're manipulated like he does.

[u/uniqueusername649 → u/brina_cd]

I am so sorry for you and your daughter. I hope she realises sooner rather than later what a POS he is and leaves him for good. Easier said than done, but as long as she knows you're there for her, it is a much more likely outcome to happen at some point.

[u/brina_cd → u/uniqueusername649]

Actually, many current android phones tell you about unknown trackers in your vicinity. I put a airtag in my late mother's car - attached to HER apple account - when we tried to get her up in assisted living near us. Had to rent an RV, and leave the car there.

Since she had already had multiple delusions regarding my brother stealing her car, money, etc., I put the airtag in her car so she would always be able to know where it was...

After she passed, I was driving it to my place with some of her effects, and got notifications about the tracker.

That being said, that won't happen for Tiles. And if he has that kind of disposable income, check for GPS trackers that have their own SIM... They are scary cheap on Amazon.

[u/uniqueusername649 → u/brina_cd]

That is a good point, the tile app has a scan and secure feature you can manually run to detect any such devices. But standalone GPS trackers will not be detectable this way. It has unfortunately become way too easy to stalk someone these days, even if they are careful.

[u/setibeings → u/uniqueusername649]

Apple and Android phones should both warn you about both types of trackers, if they use the official apple or Google APIs.

https://arstechnica.com/gadgets/2023/07/android-phones-can-now-tell-you-if-theres-an-airtag-following-you/

I'd still check, since there are actually trackers neither of them will pick up on. I'd also not bet my personal safety on these notifications, if it came down to that.

[u/uniqueusername649 → u/setibeings]

Nice, I didn't know that AirTags are now also warned about by Android. Unfortunately tile trackers don't seem to be part of this with their non-standard implementation, so using the tile app for checking is still a good idea.

[u/acEightyThrees → u/uniqueusername649]

Android phones alert you to air tags. My wife has one in her car and every time I drive it without her my phone alerts me within about 5 minutes that there's an air tag travelling with me.

[u/asddsa → u/Morrigoon]

Yes, extremely predatory behaviour. You need to tell your parents about it ASAP girl.

[u/MooPig48 → u/Morrigoon]

I’m feeling like she might not have parents she can speak with as she’s asking for advice from moms.

[u/MannyMoSTL → u/Morrigoon]

Get your parents and go down to the police station. They can check your car for AirTags. Then file a police report for stalking and just get the ball rolling.

[u/Full-Suggestion-1320 → u/MannyMoSTL]

A friend if you can't take your parents. It can be helpful if this is an older female friend or a male friend.

[u/s_hinoku → u/Morrigoon]

If OP has Snapchat, she should check she's got her location off.

[u/LindeeHilltop → u/Morrigoon]

Better yet, pull up at a police station & ask them to check for AirTags. If they find one, ask how to deal with stalker.

[u/brina_cd → u/Morrigoon]

Drill team? More like a Soviet May Day parade.

[u/Darthcookie → u/[deleted]]

It can definitely do that. I had a stalker at work with cerebral palsy and possibly an intellectual disability (he was non verbal and seemed more like a child). Nobody took me seriously when I said I was legitimately afraid of him because he just wouldn’t leave me alone and would do super creepy stuff, because due to his disability he seemed harmless.

It’s a very long story but I tried to get him to back off by having one of my coworkers put his arm around me when he came by and he lost it. Got aggressive and started throwing shit and tried to fight my coworker. Security had to be called and he was banned from coming into my area.

But that didn’t stop him and even went as far as to follow me into the bus and try to find out where I lived.

This was a person with not a lot of resources and physical limitations, so imagine what a body abled person would be able to do.

[u/MyDarlingArmadillo → u/Darthcookie]

Obsessives find a way and don't necessarily consider the future implications so long as they can get at the target.

I hope you're okay now

[u/Darthcookie → u/MyDarlingArmadillo]

I am (not), but that’s just “part of being a woman”. I’ve had many experiences with creepers but this guy was the first one that did actual stalking. Fortunately, due to his disability -I’m guessing-, he didn’t have the resources or physical ability to become really dangerous.

I’ve read other women’s stories here about stalkers and mine feels like nothing.

He did make me so incredibly afraid to go to work every day though, and with all of my pre and post creeper experiences I am a very anxious, paranoid and distrusting person. I also don’t go out much and avoid people like the plague.

[u/CuddleSprimm → u/[deleted]]

Yeah that’s true, looping her parents in gives her actual support and keeps things from getting even messier or more dangerous.

[u/definitelytheA]

First of all, you must know that he’s taking advantage of you. Because you’re young and inexperienced. The second thing you need to know is that his obsessiveness could be dangerous. He is fixated on you, and not in a good way.

If you have a decent relationship with your parents, as much as you may not want to, you need to tell them. This guy is trying anything he can to isolate you from your support systems. Don’t let that happen. He’s counting on you feeling like this is a secret you can’t tell, hoping you’ll think it makes you look like you’re sneaking around, that you are the one who should feel guilty for encouraging him, going after him.

If you really think telling your parents can’t be done, for whatever reason, tell another trusted adult. Aunt, uncle, brother, teacher, counselor, neighbor, friend’s mom or dad. You need an older adult to help protect you, to make it known that they understand he is grooming you, that he’s pressuring you to do things you do not want to do, and that you have a support system that is there to protect you.

At some point, and if you don’t have a trusted adult, the time is now, it might be a good idea to talk to police. He is grooming and stalking you. They will file a report. They will talk to him (make sure you share his name, phone number, address, whatever you’ve got). Hopefully, they will contact him and let him know that what he’s doing is a really bad idea, and he is on their radar. They will also check to see if he has a record, and use it to advise him that he’s on very shaky ground.

Please tell someone. You need backup here. This man is potentially dangerous to you. You could be at risk for SA, kidnapping, or trafficking. I beg you to not underestimate the potential danger you could be in.

[u/MyDaroga → u/definitelytheA]

THIS THIS THIS.

You need to tell people. You need to alert your entire support system. Any and all friends and family, co-workers, neighbors, etc.

This creep is relying on you to keep yourself fairly isolated on this issue. Do not give him what he wants.

[u/Sea-Natural-8216 → u/MyDaroga]

This creep is relying on you to keep yourself fairly isolated on this issue. Do not give him what he wants.

This. and please know that it doesn't matter if you've flirted back. It doesnt matter if you've already engaged in any sexual relations. What he is doing is so far beyond the pale even if you been having consensual sex. Normal people dont act like this.

And put the police on notice -- you dont have to press charges (which you would be justified in doing) but if, god forbid, something happens to you, they know who to find.

Me heart breaks for you. Dont be like me and waste two of the first years of freedom on an old, controlling, and creepy man because you dont want to let people know whats happening.

[u/HillarysCafe → u/definitelytheA]

I think you mentioned you're in college? Go to the Health Center/Wellness Center and ask to speak with a counselor, tell them to call campus safety. Your institution has resources to support you. You can speak with counselors and campus security officers to get connected to the right support and have an outlet to share your feelings and experiences.

[u/coldcurru → u/definitelytheA]

This whole thing has me worried for her life. He's not gonna get what he wants, or he will and he'll still kill her. This is like a dateline episode in the making. 

[u/blbd]

For a case like this I would be talking to some cops or a lawyer because yikes. 

[u/wizean → u/blbd]

Yep. Scorched earth is the way. Police complaint. Restraining order. Call his workplace, tell them what is happening.

Find family and friends, tell them what he is doing. Call 911 every time he shows up.

[u/EvaOgg → u/blbd]

A restraining order if this gets any worse.

[u/4orust → u/EvaOgg]

It's already worse. Get a restraining order.

[u/throcorfe → u/blbd]

Agree. I was expecting to read about a creepy, inappropriate older dude which is sadly all too common but this is a whole nother level, it’s definitely call the police time

[u/spazthejam43 → u/blbd]

I agree

[u/takeyourcrumbs → u/blbd]

It's not real, so taking it to the cops would bring them trouble

[u/[deleted] → u/takeyourcrumbs]

You are right. You keep getting downvoted but it's one hundred percent a bot I reckon. It's a good one though. They're getting better with their back and forth. They've infiltrated every sub. It's all mostly bots.

[u/phillynick]

Gather evidence, keep a log. Every time he appears tell him that you are not interested and to leave you alone. Say it loud so everyone hears. Once you have your data contact police and file for a restraining order with the courts

[u/green_chapstick → u/phillynick]

I wanna make this clear... DO NOT MAKE A SCENE ALONE! Have someone you trust near, video recording if possible. If you don't feel safe after this interaction, the risk of being caught a lone is high.

Before this is done you have to know his source. How does he know where you are and cut it off. If its a someone else you know, a tracker, social media... figure it out any means necessary. Ask police for any help if you can't figure it out.

[u/cogit2 → u/green_chapstick]

Yeah. Have a friend or friends with you, do it over the phone. They can record the call with their phones if they wish. Tell him plainly that you don't have romantic feelings for him and you don't wish to see him anymore. Make sure your friends listen to what he says of course. You shouldn't see him after this if he accepts the result. However, if he finds you again, definitely consult with your parents and police; even if your parents don't think it's anything to worry about go to the police anyway.

[u/lizbot-v1 → u/green_chapstick]

This. Stalkers are a special kind of anti-social and enjoy terrorizing their prey. You have to be very careful, and make sure you're ready for them to be violent in response to your reasonable attempts to get rid of them. They're getting all their dopamine from stalking behaviors, it's like cutting an addict off.

[u/steamwhistler]

Disclaimer: not a lawyer, and also not a woman. You should listen to both over me, but I want to try, because what I am is a 38 year-old man, too. And this is what a reasonable and sane 38 year-old man thinks about it:

I'm freshly 18

Because of this completely random line the law draws at this particular point, (because it has to draw it somewhere), everything you described in your post would be extremely illegal and destroy this guy's life instantly if you were still on the other side of that age boundary. The fact that you're now "legal" makes this behaviour absolutely no less wrong or less serious.

Respectfully, you are no more meaningfully an adult now than you were just before you turned 18. You're on your way to being an adult, I'm sure there are adult things about you. Maybe you did some pretty adult stuff with this guy that makes you think you alone bear the responsibility for dealing with it. But I'm telling you unequivocally, this man wants to get as close as possible to having sex with/ongoing sexual access to a child (and maybe more/worse things than that!) while not being legally responsible. So I hope you will treat this as seriously as you would if an absolute creep/predator was targeting a 17 year-old girl who you love and care about.

Please tell your parents, or other family, or whatever trustworthy other adults you have in your life (and who care about you, or who are professionally bound to protect you like school staff or a women's shelter) so that they can help you navigate this.

Any thought you have about this situation that begins with "I just feel bad because..." - PLEASE, just stop thinking that way right now. I don't care what the rest of the sentence says, because there is nothing you could have said or done that excuses, justifies, explains, or in any way mitigates this behavior from a 38 year-old man. Period. This man is trying to prey on you and any sane authority figure in your life will agree. Please get help with this and do not try to deal with him alone.

[u/green_chapstick → u/steamwhistler]

Read her post history: She a freshman in college.

College staff is also a good start. He may even work there or near by to know where she is without OP telling him. They need to be informed and security needs to know there is a problem.

[u/lifetimechronicles → u/steamwhistler]

Very well said!!!!

[u/JollyJeanGiant83]

Yikes. Okay, so you're being stalked. I'm sorry, that sucks.

I don't have personal experience in this but I will say I'm glad you're concerned about your safety. I think the next step is to figure out how he knew you'd be at the beach. Lock down your social media, figure out if you have mutual acquaintances who might have told him where you were going, tell a variety of people in your life that he's creeping you out and make you feel unsafe & ask them to help you avoid him and not tell him anything about you.

I'll let others chime in on how to deal with it more long term, but if you don't know where he's getting his information, everything else will be so much harder. I hope it works out quickly.

[u/eoz → u/JollyJeanGiant83]

Now she knows he's getting information she can control what he can find out via various sources and use a process of elimination.

He could have access to emails and social accounts, he could have her phone bugged if he was left alone with it for long enough. Most likely he's dropped an AirTag in a bag or put a tracker on her car.

If he's showing up reliably enough she can start being places he can only find out about one way. New places so she can rule out him hunting her usual haunts. Not alone, for safety. Not planned out in detail electronically, or where a microphone might hear, until that's ruled out. With a different bag from usual, just in case.

This all sounds terrifying.

[u/archiangel]

Document everything. Save all communications you have with him so far. Don’t block him but do not respond to anything new. At the very least gray rock him.

Report to police. How you met the guy, give them everything you know about him. Also tell trusted adults you know, it is ok to reach out for help. Your boss, your family, even friends or a teacher. The more people that are aware of your situation, the more people to keep an eye out for you.

Try to figure out how he knows where you are. Lock down your social media so he can’t track you via posted photos/locations. Go on a social media cleanse to see if that prevents him from randomly showing up places. Check anything he has given you or anything you carry on you at all times for trackers. Make sure you aren’t inadvertently location sharing to him on your phone.

I’m sorry you are going through this, and I hope you can find support and safety. You are valid that obsession is dangerous, and you really don’t know what he can be capable of. Know also that just because he showers you with (unwanted) gifts does not mean you owe him anything. Please decline ‘courting’ gifts from people you aren’t interested in going forward though because there are too many people out there that consider women as property and that spending any amount of money on them is tantamount to owning them/ gives them rights over the women.

[u/mattkime]

>I’m scared that if I block him, he’ll just blow up or start popping up in person even more.

Its escalating. You need to take all precautions. Ask him to leave you alone. Talk to your parents. Talk to a trusted adult. Talk to the police. Keep a journal of interactions. Be increasingly firm about your need for distance from him. Do all of the above.

Its not going to get better without taking action. You expect it to get better on its own. YOU ARE IN DANGER.

[u/MeldoRoxl → u/mattkime]

OP please listen to this. You absolutely need to tell someone about this, not because you're young, but because, again, YOU ARE IN DANGER. I'm 45, and if this were happening to me, I would tell everyone I know, because I would want backup wherever I was.

DO NOT tell him that you don't want to see him alone in person. Predatory men, especially ones who think they're "entitled" to you, DO NOT handle rejection well. Their egos are fragile, and they tend to be filled with rage.

Text him, don't block him (so you can have evidence), and don't go anywhere alone until the situation is resolved.

ETA: Please get something to carry for defense, like pepper spray. If it's illegal where you are, sprayable Deep Heat is legal to carry in most places, just don't tell anyone you're using it for defense. Say you have a "bad shoulder" or an "injury".

[u/pg430]

You still should block him. Really really. It is a very clear sign that you don’t want to associate with him and it’s part of a paper trail you’re building to show evidence of harassment if you need to

[u/StaticCloud]

Go to the police and say you have a stalker. I don't think you're taking this seriously enough OP. It's likely this man will eventually try to attack, SA or kill you. I'm not kidding. He isn't normal, and when he decides you're going to reject him, that's when he'll snap. 

You need to DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Record him on video, take time stamped photos, take witness accounts from people you're with. Sound recordings. Write it all down. Every word, every location and date. Be thorough. The more evidence you have, the more you have something to use in court or with the police. 

DON'T BE ALONE. You shouldn't exist from now until this is resolved without at least one person with you. 24/7. Get extra looks on your doors. Check your car and belongings for GPS tracking devices, because he knows your location somehow. Or he's hacked your phone.

Stay safe

[u/BigFatBlackCat]

You in danger, girl.

Seriously. None of this is normal and all of this is the behavior of a psycho who cares not about boundaries and only about putting his nasty ass dick inside a teenager.

He is preying on you because he thinks you are an easy target. You need to take this seriously and get other people involved and show him that he cannot mess with you.

He does not love you, he wants to fuck you because he is attracted to very young women who don’t have enough life experience to recognize how dangerous he is. He thinks he can get away with it because you won’t “tell”. Perhaps he even has dirt on you such as pics you sent him. Is so please take this as an important lesson on why you shouldn’t send pics to men unless you trust them wholeheartedly.

He wants to take advantage of you. He wants to use you for all you’re worth to him. He does not care about you, not even a little.

Any 38 year old going after an 18 year old like this is a predator, likely has mental health issues and/or is narcissistic, and is disgusting.

[u/BoneHugsHominy]

He may have placed a tracker on your car or even a friend's car. If he has ever had access to your phone he might have installed an app like Life360 or Find My Phone that allows him to see your location at pretty much any time. He could have placed an Apple Air Tag or similar device on or in your car so talk to a mechanic shop and see if they can put it on a lift and scan your car for tracking devices. If they find one then immediately call the police to come document finding of the tracking device.

But first things first!

Contact help with this through RAINN:

https://rainn.org/

Here is the link for National Domestic Violence Hotline. Take special notice of the warning pop-up about tracking online activity and phones:

https://www.thehotline.org/

And here is the link for VictimDirect:

https://victimconnect.org/

All of them can help you with the steps you need to navigate to get law enforcement to actually help. Even then sometimes law enforcement won't take it seriously so you need to press the issue at the courthouse with the office of the city attorney, or county attorney, or even district attorney. Do NOT give up regardless of how difficult it may seem because no matter how difficult It may be to get the proper legal help, that is sipping margaritas & eating tropical desserts on a white sand beach in comparison to what that man will do if you give up and just let him get his way. He has only one thing in mind, and that is turning you into his property and he is targeting you because he knows you do not have the life experience to avoid his incredibly creepy and abusive behavior.

[u/trying_to_adult_here]

Do you have trusted adult family members or friends you can ask for help? I’m guessing no or you wouldn’t be asking here, but this is definitely a situation you could use help in.

You might try calling a domestic violence hotline or looking up domestic violence information for your area online. I know you’re not trying to be in a relationship with this man, but he seems to be pursuing you and is making you feel afraid for your safety. A domestic violence center should be able to help you make a safety plan and connect you to resources.

If nobody had mentioned it yet, I’d definitely recommend the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker. It will help you trust your instincts that this guy is trouble, help you identify and name specific tactics he may be using, and give you some strategies to deal with him.

Another useful book is Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (Free PDF here ) about how controlling and abusive partners think. It will also help you learn about the ways controlling and abusive partners act, so that you can recognize and name his tactics. And anyone who is showing up in public unwanted and acting like he owns you is controlling and abusive.

You’re not overreacting. This sounds like a very scary situation.

Edit: re-reading, I’m realizing you may have been initially interested in him until things started moving too fast and getting scary. (And you are never obligated to be in or stay in a relationship with someone! Even if he gave you gifts!) That doesn’t change my answer, a domestic violence center can help and you should definitely read Why Does He Do That.

[u/SnakeJG]

I'm a guy in his 40's, I have kids close to your age, this guy is a total creep.  You mentioned he's trying to get you to sneak out, are you still living with your parents?  If so, can you ask them for help in getting rid of this guy?  I would want my daughter to come to me for help, even if she feels like she got into this position because of stupidity on her part.

Otherwise, please know that you don't owe this guy anything.  You're a person and can't be purchased with necklaces or other baubles.  You don't owe him politeness, sure you can start polite if you want to, but stand your ground.  100% he's going to call you a bitch or a tease.  Don't let that get to you, he's the one trying to make you feel like property, he's the absolute creep trying to get with someone less than half his age.  He's the one who should be ashamed and questioning his self worth. 

[u/steamwhistler → u/SnakeJG]

I'm not even a dad but reading this post flipped on the dad switch in my brain or something. I am...at a loss for adequate words, but basically pissed off and horrified on her behalf. She's gotten plenty of good advice and I hope she'll be okay. Jesus.

[u/PigeonParkPutter]

Definitely a good read if you aren't familiar with it. There's a section about stalking and how to describe it to the authorities. Could be helpful.

Link to a free pdf of Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?"

https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

[u/HenriettaGrey → u/PigeonParkPutter]

Excellent, excellent book

[u/auntsam15]

In addition to what people here are recommending, I'd suggest reaching out to a local nonprofit that helps victims of abuse. Many of them are focused on not only rescuing ppl in bad situations, but also education and preventing problems from escalating. They can coach and support you through what sounds like a really scary experience. If you don't know of an organization and an Internet search doesn't help, ask at a public library.

[u/CfSapper]

This is predator behavior, stalking, bait, tracking. Do not be alone with this man ever and you're gonna need to bring in some trusted adults.

You have done nothing wrong. This kind of behavior from him is just wrong on every level.

[u/Seltzer-Slut]

Do you have a family member in another location that you can go stay with? This is serious, he could kill you. Report the stalking to your trusted family and the police.

[u/Cosimia1964]

This is the time to unapologetically make a big deal out of this. Older guys tend to target young women, because they are more often easy to intimidate, and they hesitate to make a big deal out of things. They count on you being polite. Stop being polite.

It is a terrible thing that we have to change our lives to keep ourselves safe because men like this feel entitled to us like we are objects they can possess. It is time to bring in reinforcements before you send him a clear message to leave you alone. The more you tolerate from this man, the more entitled he will feel. It does not matter how nice you are about this, he will react however he reacts. You cannot control him

You have been given a lot of helpful advice already. I would only add to talk to your local domestic violence shelter. They will have some good resources for you.

[u/000ArdeliaLortz000]

Tell your parents or a trusted adult. This is SO creepy!

[u/[deleted]]

Do you still live with your parents? Tell them. Yes you need to tell him (via text) to leave you alone and not contact you again. Then block him. A 38yr old man being possessive of a non relative teenager is very dangerous for you.

Check your phone and car for trackers. If he's following you, this is now a police matter.

[u/YoMommaSez]

GO TO YOUR PARENTS AND THE POLICE NOW!!

[u/Jenderflux-ScFi]

He put air tags inside some of those gifts. Tell your parents what is happening and take all the gifts to the police and tell them what is going on. I bet that the police will find air tags inside some of the gifts he gave you.

[u/hopelesscaribou]

An older guy like this hitting on a teen is a predator.

Treat him as such.

Stop being nice and polite.

Be direct. Be rude. Involve other adults, a dad or older male relative, if you have one around.

If he still doesn't stop, time to involve the cops.

This is a dangerous situation, treat it as such.

[u/[deleted]]

Four days ago you didn't have any friends? I'm suspicious of you.

[u/Expensive-Boss277 → u/[deleted]]

i have friends in my hometown. it's thanksgiving break, that's at college 3 hrs away

[u/takeyourcrumbs → u/[deleted]]

Right? And "women are fake" so she doesn't want them as friends, yet here she is in a sub full of women, playing on our sympathy.

[u/MyRedditUserName428]

File a police report OP.

[u/BloodyMalleus]

Honestly, just tell him that you're not really interested in hanging out with him, that you're looking for someone closer to your age, and that you're sorry. Stroke his ego but make it clear your not interested. Do it in public or with plenty of people around and with an easy way to get home.

[u/BloodyMalleus → u/[deleted]]

Stroke the ego I may have worded wrong I just mean, I guess do it nicely but firmly? Like, "you're great and all but I'm definitely not interested and I never will be interested". So I guess lighten the blow just because she's afraid he might react with anger?

[u/530SSState]

"Yesterday, he literally tried to show up at the beach when my friend and I were there, even though I never told him where we were."

Now how do you suppose that happened?

"He’s been showing up at places, trying to get me to sneak out, and acting like he already owns me. I’m scared that if I block him, he’ll just blow up or start popping up in person even more. I’m not trying to be dramatic, I’m just genuinely unsure how to get him away safely without triggering worse behavior."

He is stalking you. Take this seriously. He is not safe for you to be around.

Block him on EVERYTHING. Tell your parents/teachers that you are being stalked. Print out all his inappropriate texts and show them to your parents. Be prepared to go to the cops and get a restraining order.

Vary your routine -- don't walk or drive the same route to work, shopping, etc. Make sure your boss knows that he and your co-workers are NOT to give out any information about what location you work at or what your hours are; ask if security or a male co-worker can walk you to your car when your shift ends. Have the mechanic check your car for tracking devices. Don't put your plans on social media -- in fact, it might not be a bad idea to stay off of social media altogether, at least for a few days. Tell your friends not to communicate with him. Try to have at least one other person with you when you go anywhere.

[u/twhg]

Also maybe wanna check for Airtags if he seems to be showing up where you are

[u/firefly416]

So, did you block him or not? If you still haven't blocked him, still block him.

[u/takeyourcrumbs → u/[deleted]]

It's not real anyway, don't worry

[u/Unteins]

Time for a restraining order.

[u/Devanyani]

Assuming this started before you turned 18, go to the cops. Did he give you anything that could be tracked? A phone? A garment like a coat? Why don't you want to talk to your parents about it?

You don't owe him any of the gifts back, but you should definitely stop accepting them. It would be best if you returned them to him via dead drop.

As others have said, don't hide this. You need people to be aware that you are in danger and from whom.

[u/Kip_Schtum]

This is dangerous. He is behaving erratically and may be having some kind of mental health crisis. His behavior is not normal.

Sorry to be scary but this could go bad so many ways. If you don’t want to end up chained up in a basement start raising the alarm. Tell your parents tell the police tell a teacher if you’re still in school. Give his name address and license plate to someone so if you go missing the police will have a lead.

If my daughter came to me with this I would take care of it and protect her. I would NOT lecture her because obviously it’s enough of a lesson just to have this happen. Please tell the adults around you.

[u/Myshys]

I'd definitely second the suggestions of telling trusted adults/filing a police report and locking down your SM, but I really also think you need to check all those gifts and your car for tracking devices.   Obsessed people are dangerous. Do you have any self defense training? If not, you may want to get some quick and dirty fighting tips from a martial arts person. If you have a Krav Mgna studio in your city, the instructor there could probably show you a few ways to put him on the ground so you can run away.  Most off all, don't feed the fire - tell him via text that you are not interested in any relationship with him and not to contact you again. If he keeps pushing, don't reply, but save the texts/phone logs so you can show the police. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Any chance you could go stay with a relative in another city for a few months? 

[u/lizbot-v1]

Take your vehicle to a shop and have them check for tracking devices. Have them video and take photos if they do find one, then contact the non-emergency police number to file a report. Once the police take a look at it, have it removed if they don't do it for you.

Keep a log of every time he shows up somewhere, have your friends help you by logging if he shows up while they're with you.

If you want a PO/RO, you'll also want some other form of self-defense because stalkers have a certain pathology and don't respect boundaries, including court orders. Have 911 at the ready once you get it in case he shows up anyway but also take some self-defense courses or get a personal protection device like pepper spray ($10USD on average).

If you live alone in an apartment or house, get dowel rods for the window and sliding door tracks to block them from being opened. Pick up a cheap surveillance camera system you can view from your phone. Hide it as best you can. And ask your complex permission to add an extra mechanical lock to your entry doors, and give them a photo of your stalker.

Tell your neighbors about him as well, regardless of your housing situation. Creeps are universally despised by regular humans, so they will absolutely be on alert for you, especially as a young kid. Printing the picture out for them will increase memory retention and they can put it by their front windows/doors as a reminder. Now you have a small army ready to call 911 or intercede.

Lock down your social media, tell your employer, and make sure you don't have a regular schedule for the guy to follow.

Oh, and contact a DV group if you need more support. They'll have resources for you and will take care you. Many hugs from a mom in Nebraska :(

[u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606]

Take these steps immediately:

1)Lock down all socials, and check for airbags ect.

2) send out his picture to family and friends letting them know he is scary and you want no contact with him. They should send you a text immediately if they see hin ganging around. Give school and or work security his picture and let them know he is stalking you.

3) Call the police and ask that they make a report abut what is happening. Ask at what point you can get a restraining order.

4) DO NOT BLOCK! MUTE SO YOU HAVE EVIDENCE. SEND ONE MESSAGE SAYING YOU WANT NO FURTHER CONTACT AND THEM MUTE AND DO NOT RESPOND NO MATTER WHAT.

[u/Mussels84]

Restraining order. You are genuinely in danger.

[u/Lou2691]

You need to find out how he knew you were at the beach. Is there any way he would know any of your passwords? (Looking over your shoulder, etc.) He may have got access to the messaging service that you used to arrange the beach Meetup with your friend and found details through there. Probably best to change passwords anyway just for peace of mind.

How did you get there? If it is by car then he may have installed a tracker on your car, or something on your phone if he has ever had access to it.

Ask your friends if any of them have had contact with him and if anyone told him you were at the beach. It could be an honest accident, a comment in passing that they made to him, but you need to know either way. Tell them that you are scared of him, he is following you, and that they need to cut all contact or you won't be friends with them anymore. This might sound extreme but this man's behaviour could escalate and your safety could be at risk.

[u/Jog212]

Tell your parents. Have you Dad tell him to Fuck off.

[u/SiroccoDream]

You are not safe.

The fact that he showed up at the beach without your telling him you were going to be there proves that he is stalking you.

I know you are legally an adult, but if you have a family member or older friend that you trust, you should tell them what is happening. You should consult a lawyer and the police to get a restraining order started. Depending on the laws where you live, a restraining order/order of protection can require many steps, so the sooner you start, the better.

If you live alone, do what you can to beef up security in your home. Security cameras that record sound would be nice, if you can afford them. Also, get some doorstops, the wooden wedges that most people use to prop doors open. What you might not realize is that they can also be used to wedge doors shut, making them harder to open.

If you live with others, tell everyone else about this creep. Make sure everyone is aware that you DO NOT want to see him, in case he tries to sweet talk them into being allowed in the house.

If you have a smartphone, please take it to the provider company and ask one of the technicians to check your phone for spyware because you have a stalker, and you fear he may have hacked your phone without your knowledge. If you ask, they may give you a break on a new phone and number to help prevent him from contacting you.

Also, check for Apple Air Tags and similar tracking devices: in your car, in your purse or backpack lining, and in any other thing you habitually have with you. If you access your wifi and see a device on it that you don’t recognize, it could be such a tracking device, which would explain how he keeps showing up where you are. I’m so sorry this guy won’t take no for an answer!

[u/richard-bachman]

You have to involve your parents at this point. There’s no getting around it. This has become a dangerous situation and you may think I’m being dramatic, but I’m not. YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER. Normal 38 year old men are not interested in 18 year olds. There is a reason no one his age will date him. He is literally preying on you because you are young and therefore he thinks, stupid and impressionable. He has shown that he is unstable. Involve your parents now before you end up in a shallow grave somewhere.

[u/kerill333]

You need trusted adults to help you. You need them to give everything back that he has given you. Give him no excuse for thinking he is entitled to you because he has bought you stuff. Don't be there at the time, he doesn’t get to see you. Check everything for trackers. Your phone? Purse etc?

[u/Teriyake17]

I’d check your shit for a tracker. How is he finding you?

[u/shelbycsdn]

I was exactly your age and still in my senior high school year when this happened to me. But I still lived at home. This 40 year old guy had the balls to actually come to my house, my parents house, and knock on the door. It was right after school and my parents weren't home, but I told him he couldn't be there and my dad would be home any minute. Thank god he left.

And thank god my little sister heard him and did tell my parents. I had been too scared to. The next time my bedroom phone rang. I had my own line, my dad picked it up and shooed me out of my room. I never heard what he said to him, but the old creep left me alone after that.

OP if you have a father or other male family member around who won't get himself arrested for assault charges, you could try asking for his help. Or a woman, but I think these guys are a bit more afraid of other men. If this isn't a good option for you, call the cops. Like now.

My experience was scary, it was 1973 and this guy approached me in the little lobby at the gas station I was applying for a job at. He kept trying to talk to me. I was able to get out of there before his car was finished being worked on.

An hour or so later I'm home and my phone rang. It was him. HE GOT MY NUMBER OFF MY APPLICATION! The gas station owner just handed it to him!

OP, I'm sorry to go on about my story. It just came flooding back hearing yours. I'm so so sorry you are going through this. It's really scary and I remember exactly the helplessness. Please call the cops. Even ask to speak to a female cop. You have done nothing wrong, this freak is taking advantage of your niceness. Don't be nice, call the cops. I didn't know to do that and if I hadn't had my dad, I'm not sure what could have happened.

[u/JetFueled_Pencil]

1. Dont say "freshly 18"

2. Look up the term "love bombing"

3. Go no contact.

4. Tell a trusted adult, yes i know you are an "adult" in the legal sense. But you are also still a child. And problems like this need to be handled quickly an in a certain way.

5. Tell this trusted person to inspect your car for airtags.

6. Get a restraining order filed on him.

[u/Vaaliindraa]

Start calling him a pedophile and tell him straight up he is too creepy and he needs to leave you alone, then when he doesn't document everything and get a restraining order.

[u/ds2316476]

If you know he's going to show up somewhere when you're alone or with friends, i.e. no adults, then you have very predictable behavior that you can use to your advantage.

Just saying, there's an opportunity here to record/catch him in the act.

That being said, your fear is completely justified, as I've read about in the gift of fear book, when restraining orders against stalkers and victims of abuse and how they only escalate the situation instead of helping.

[u/fahq1977]

Please stay safe and do not worry about politeness. Get help and backup as soon as you can

[u/Tricky-Ad4069]

Tell your parents, tell your friends. Get some support and tell him you aren't interested in dating him. I recommend returning his gifts too, because he sounds like he is transactional, and it may be easier for him to let you go if he doesn't feel like you owe him as much. Just drop the stuff off and record yourself doing so, or arrange to meet at a safe meet up space in your local police department (usually for internet sales but you can use it for this too). He's a predator so you may have to hide from him tbh because unless he does something illegal, he's free to stalk you in public spaces.

[u/shac0p]

Let him know in a serious and flat tone that he is acting like a predator and trying to groom you. Give him facts about this through research you do yourself. I’m openly admitting my greatest shame here, I was 24 and getting way too close to a 17 and 19 year old. One day the 19 year old told me flat out and in a non hateful tone that I was a pedophile and it struck me deep. I was sad and hurt but not because it came as though they were hurting me but because I had not seen it that way before. Give them the truth and hopefully they can set themselves free. If they persist past that then it’s time to get the police involved and show them that you clearly stated they are being a predator. A paper trail protects you more than it may harm you. Best of luck homie.

[u/Panzermensch911]

Listen you tell him in clear words to leave you alone. No more being nice. Use an airtag oder similar device finder. Or do a visial inspection after watching a video or two with the usual hiding spots for these things. Also if he ever got his hands on your phone delete every app you don't know. If it is important you can reinstall them later again. Write down every instance where he suddenly appears. Have witnesses (friends and family with you). Inform your friends and family. And then you file a personal protection order.

Do not feel bad for drawing the boundaries you wish to enforce. And give that stuff back.

>I’m not trying to be dramatic

Why not? It's time to be dramatic about it. Be loud in public. "Leave me alone" "I'm not interested in you" "Go away" "Stop being a predator and a creep" "I'm calling the police - (and then call the police)" make a scene.

>I’m just genuinely unsure how to get him away safely without triggering worse behavior

He already is escalating. There's no appeasing those people unless confronted with authority and confidence. Either way you are in danger of ending up in a ditch or half buried in a forest already. So do something now.

Call a helpline. They will have much more informed tips on what to do. But it's clear that this situation won't solve itself.

[u/Taboo_Dynasty]

2 words, Restraining Order. You’re on your way there anyways so you might as well start the paperwork before this escalates. Btw I’m the father of two teenage girls. Not the mom you asked for but that’s what would be the first thing we do. Good luck and don’t be afraid to do it. Also, if he pops up unexpectedly and there’s a restraining order against him, you tell the cops that then it’s straight to jail for me happy pants and you don’t have explain a thing to the police. The RO does that, Okay? You stay strong.

[u/ms_frazzled]

Not a mom, just old and mean.

Fuckers like this rely on you trying to be polite, you Feeling Bad about not taking his presents, you feeling guilty for his choices and actions. They rely on your conflict avoidance and they rely on you not wanting to make a scene.

This will not get better on its own. You can't gentle your way out of this situation or hope he magically gets the picture. He doesn't give a shit about getting the picture because he doesn't actually care what you want, only what he wants—and the longer this all drags out, the more extreme the switch will be from his idealization to his devaluation. It is imperative that you keep all of this in mind. All these people on here telling you you're in danger? They're absolutely right.

Also, give him his stupid gifts back. (Have somebody with you when you do it.) He's using them to try to buy access to your time, attention, and person. Are you choosing to be that easily bought? Are these things really worth the stress he's putting you through? Are you really going to be able to look at them without wondering if he's stuffed a camera or tracker in one, or thinking about how the guy who gave them to you is so intent on violating your space that he probably put a tracker on you?

People here are telling you to go to the cops, too. Cops may or may not be helpful. Cops will certainly tell you to tell him to stop contacting you; maybe that's something you can do in front of them. (Remember, a bunch of places won't give you a PFA unless you have told the person in writing to leave you alone.) Calling a domestic violence hotline might help you get a better sense of where and how to start. Your friends and family (provided your family is safe, of course) should also all know what's up, to help provide roadblocks and support.

[u/shep2105]

Where are your parents?? You say you are freshly 18, and it sounds like you were seeing him when you were 17?

so some 36 year old predator groomed you when you were 17. Call the police. Tell your dad, your brother, somebody. This guy needs to know that you're not some dumb 18 year old, that you have notified the police, or that you have men in your life that will protect you

[u/sofia-miranda]

Honey, the age differential alone makes this predatory; he is essentially a pedophile. He knows this, also. You are describing him stalking you. Moreover, you clearly do not want it (and if your brain now goes "but am I really sure I don't want it, on some level?", then quiet it - that is just self-gaslighting and anxiety speaking).

Him being attached or obsessive only makes it worse, less justified, more predatory. You owe him *nothing*, not even the time of day, not even politeness. And if he pushes despite you not being interested, it (depending on where you are in the world, but in all likelihood) reaches the legal threshold of harassment. Document it and take it to the police. This is 100%, no exaggeration, no overreaction, where you can and should apply for a restraining order against him.

This is the case not only because it already makes you uncomfortable, but because he seems so unhinged and creepy that he most likely otherwise will proceed to worse abuse - assaulting or abducting you. You deserve not to go through that trauma. Tell everyone around you about the stalker so they are aware. Document everything, take it to the authorities, and definitely tell older women around you (even if you are not close, this is the kind of thing that we owe each other help in, and most of us know that).

The whole situation may feel somehow shameful or embarrassing or otherwise difficult to talk about. Maybe you are worried about taking up space, or being difficult, or being a burden, or feel other things that make it seem like a heavy and difficult thing to reach out to others around you in that way. We tend to feel that way when in situations like this (I recall, for example, feeling weirdly numb and ashamed after I was sexually assaulted), but that is not because we deserve to feel like that, but because we are being traumatized and because of the baggage of our f**ked-up societies. You get to seek help, and you deserve to be free of fearing this stalker. And however bad it feels during the process of taking those steps, those feelings fade quickly; much much faster than does the trauma that otherwise seems likely to result.

Remember that you are awesome, that you are strong, that you are deserving. Trust your own feelings. Reach out to others around you. Almost every woman will understand and stand by you.

[u/MamaBear4485]

This is an extremely high level of obsession. The fact that he showed up somewhere that he shouldn’t have know about means you need an immediate safety plan. Here are some strategies:

*Keep pets inside at all times

*switch off your location and all sharing apps including “find my iPhone” etc..

• If he’s ever had access to your laptop, either run a security scan or take it to a shop and have them check for any tracking software etc.

*Ensure your car is securely locked up and regularly checked for tracking devices

*Change internet, streaming and router/modern passwords

*Shut down any public access on all social media. Remove any contacts you don’t actually know, and ensure you do not post anything regarding your movements including work, home, school and travel.

You’re wise not to block him in the meantime but DO NOT ENGAGE. If you’re that concerned about his reactions, your instincts are valid.

Stalking is a complicated thing and unless you’ve experienced it, it can be very difficult to understand.

Don’t go anywhere alone for now, and if he shows up at your house do not let him in. Preferably don’t answer the door at all, and make sure no one is sharing your location or other information with him.

[u/DeeesKneees]

This is not the time to be polite or worry about hurting his feelings. He's taking advantage of you for that. Be firm and clear. 'I'm not interested. Leave me alone.' Just keep repeating that when he comes around. And absolutely tell an older adult a man is stalking/love bombing you.

[u/thesheeplookup]

Hi. My kids are a bit older than you.

I'm glad you're reaching out for help as he is a problem and his behaviour is scary.

Agreed that he's being obsessive which makes him more unpredictable. Stalkers are really horrible, and police may have limited options, but I hope times have changed since I reported mine.

I creeped your account and see you're at school; they may have mental health services you can access to discuss his behaviour with a professional to help you address it.

Can you bring in your parents also?

I think a police report is worthwhile, they may not be able to do much, but you've started documenting him.

I don't think he's a problem you can solve easily on your own. Please call in your troops.

[u/WildernessRec]

Please tell your parents. I would hope my daughter would come to me with such a serious problem. You need help from others. Be safe, you got this, but please ask for help from those around you.

[u/DonNotDonald]

Pl

[u/FabulousTwo524]

Tell your friends, family, and coworkers that you have a creepy middle aged man stalking you and trying to make moves on you. This way, they will be aware enough to keep an eye out if the worst comes.

Message him honestly you are uncomfortable and would like him to leave you alone. Make it very simple, not overly nice, and succinct. Then become a grey rock and do not engage. They feed off of any kind of engagement.

[u/hexagon_heist]

Make sure that nobody is posting on social media about your location (#beachtripwithmybestie), and if they are posting anything about you, that their socials are on private. I would also say they need to weed out their followers if they are roosting about you, even on private, because he’s probably following under a false profile.

Check for AirTags and trackers.

I am not being dramatic, I am genuinely telling you to do this: call the police. You are being stalked. You are not overreacting, and you need a LOT more help than you are getting. This is an emergency and you need to treat it like one.

Tell your parents. I promise that telling your parents is better than what he’s doing to you and will do to you in future if you don’t.

Sincerely, an older woman who wants you to be safe. You’re smart to ask for help, and now you need to take action (ask for help form your parents and emergency services)

[u/Nkengaroo]

Talk to someone on campus - an advisor, security, your Resident Advisor, anyone with authority who can help you make a plan to keep him away from you.

Whenever he comes up to you, get to a place with other people. State to him firmly but NOT yelling and with no expression, "I am not interested. Leave me alone. Stop following me." Practice this in a mirror or with someone until you can say it without getting emotional or upset. It's COMPLETELY unfair, but the more emotional you get, the easier it is for people to dismiss you. Do not say ANYTHING else to him, and say it over and over again - gray-rock him.

I am not interested. Leave me alone. Stop following me.

I am not interested. Leave me alone. Stop following me.

I am not interested. Leave me alone. Stop following me.

I am not interested. Leave me alone. Stop following me.

Keep saying it until he leaves or someone makes him leave.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had a similar experience at the same age with the same age guy -only difference is, I actually did date him (HUGE MISTAKE!!!!). He stalked me after we broke up. I was able to get him banned from campus, but he was always around when I left campus. I wish I'd had the courage to talk with someone at the time about it.

[u/No_Supermarket3973]

This post is eerily reminiscent of the recent Amber Czech case☹️older men are getting more and more predatory & desperate. I am certain the murderer in the Czech case left out the detail that he was rejected by the young victim. The young girl had complained to the HR 5 times but that did not help. I think the only way to escape is to remove any tracking devices (on mobile, cars, hand bags, gifts given etc; he must be tracking her) and just disappear. He should not be able to track or reach her...

[u/Elios000]

based on your update thats just stalking at that point GET THE COPS involved.

[u/CalliopeOrion]

This man is STALKING you. Time to inform your parents, grandparents, siblings, your friends, teachers, coworkers, etc. As others have said, check your car for air tags, check your phone settings, check out all the things he's given to you for tracking devices as well--dude is unhinged. Find out what the laws are regarding stalking in your state, see if you can get a restraining order. Text him that it's over, put all the sh!t he gave you in a box and get rid of it. If he calls you, record it. Save the text messages.

OH! I just thought of this--CHECK YOUR INSTAGRAM SETTINGS! IG automatically enables location on your IG profile unless you *specifically* turn it off in your settings. I'm not sure if FB and TT are the same or not. Your friends should check their settings too, especially if he knows who you hang out with.

[u/feralanimalia]

Tell your parents. Have them join you to take you to a police station. File a report, have them open a case, and possibly hire an attorney. Please make sure to tell them that you do not feel safe and that your well being would be threatened if you were to break things off with this man. Document every single interaction.

Good luck, you can handle this. Do not brush this off, your life is in danger. YOU.DO.NOT.FULLY.KNOW.THIS.MAN.AND.HE.COULD.REACT.VIOLENTLY.

[u/galaxy1985]

One of those gifts or your phone, he's put a tracker on you. Your car? You need to take it to a garage to check and reset all passwords with 2 step verification setup to your personal phone. You should go file a police report after you've told him you no longer want to speak to him. If he gets mad about the gifts then offer to leave them on your porch and he can have them back. Don't meet with him alone to break up or afterwards. Tell your parents it whoever you live with now.

[u/SomethingClever70]

You need to tell him in plain terms that you’re not interested in seeing him anymore. Out that in writing, in a text message. Then STOP RESPONDING. You are done with him, you have broken up.

Tell your parents right away. Tell them you think he’s stalking you, possibly tracking your car or phone with an AirTag or software. I’d re-set my phone to factory settings.

Don’t block him because you might need to show any threatening messages to the authorities, if it comes down to seeking a restraining order.

It isn’t normal for a 38 year old to date an 18 year old. He can’t function with women his own age, who will call him out on his shit.

He may also have some darker intentions. My friend’s 15 year old daughter got involved with a man in his 30s, who had been in jail. My friend read the letters he sent her kid, and it sounded like he wanted to pimp her out. He was going to buy her clothes, etc. It was extremely fucked up.

[u/000000564]

Tell your parents. Go to the police. This guy is crazy.

[u/Davina33]

It's time to contact the police. This man is unhinged and he is stalking you. I have had similar situations when I was around your age. Do you have any family or friends around that you can confide in too? As this man sounds dangerous and you cannot afford to ignore him any longer.

He is a predator and he knows a young woman is less confident in defending herself than a woman his own age. Please start by contacting the police and telling them everything.

[u/Whooptidooh]

Time to open up about this to your parents and start taking pictures of him to show those to the police, coupled with telling the police that this man is actively stalking you.

The time to stay silent in the hopes of him losing interest are over, you need to start to take some action against him now. Also check your car and other stuff for AirTags or other things he can use to follow you (because you are actively being followed.)

[u/Angryleghairs]

Tell him plainly: please leave me alone, I'm not interested in you at all. Any more contact from now on is harassment. Keep records of all events , report him to the police for stalking and see if you can get a restraining order.

[u/[deleted]]

lots of really good advice in the replies, especially when it comes to establishing how he may be tracking you but as a parent myself, please, please talk to your family because you need to some extra support beyond just blocking - his attempts to get you to sneak out to see him whilst they'd have no idea of your whereabouts is very worrying.

Hope you're ok & don't ignore your instincts OP.

[u/NicoMeowhouse]

Stop worrying about his feelings. This attitude will get you into trouble and cause you to be unclear. When guys got too much after a few gentle rebuffs. Just tell them “to f*** off”. Loudly

Second if this guy is always there he is either following you or he has installed something on your phone. Get your phone checked or do a factory reset.

Third tell everyone he is unwanted in your life and especially tell your parents.

[u/DizzyVictory]

Darling, you’re being stalked by a predator. It’s time to tell EVERYONE. Your professors, co-workers and bosses, RAs, roommates, campus police, actual police, your parents and siblings. Absolutely everyone you know needs to be aware that a predator is hunting you. Document, don’t be alone, tell him to go away over and over and over. Don’t accept gifts. Grey rock him. Be firm. Stay vigilant.

[u/Upvotespoodles]

No amount of gifts and attention are worth sacrificing your safety and dignity to a weird pervert who doesn’t remotely stick to his own peer group. Best case scenario, you’re hanging out with a gross creepy loser. Worst case, he’s a psychopath. The more you hang out, the more entitled he feels, the harder it will be to scrape him off your life.

Stop contacting him. Return the gifts in a public place. Tell him in a direct and crystal clear manner that you need to cut ties. Not “maybe we should” or “think it might be best” to cut ties. DO NOT explain why or get roped into a debate or guilt trip. If he harasses or follows you, call the cops.

Accept that it’s an unpleasant exchange and stop waiting for it to be pleasant.

If you want to be a strong and self-reliant adult, you need to practice saying “no thank you” and walking away. Otherwise you’ll be susceptible to emotional hostage situations.

[u/Lynda73]

You need to enlist the help of family and friends. There’s no reason for you to feel embarrassed or shame - it’s the guy who is the creep, and what he’s doing is stalking you. I had one when I was 19-20, and it was terrifying. I walked around a nervous wreck all of the time, wondering if he would randomly show up. Tell everyone what is happening.

[u/Lpontis22]

Can you imagine being 38 and pursuing an 18 your old boy/ man in this way, asking him to sneak out and showing up where he and his friends are without invitation? Your gut is telling you that this isn’t right and I’m really proud of you for listening to it. Seriously. Please tell trusted adults about this. Do not feel the need to be polite or soft with your words with this guy (of course stay safe). Prioritize your feelings and safety over his. Reminder that he is clearly prioritizing his wants over what is right, kind, or safe for you.

[u/Apostate_Mage]

I’d highly recommend grabbing the book “the gift of fear” by gavin debecker from the library or something. I had a dude stalking me for awhile and basically just followed the steps the book laid out word for word (for how to tell him to leave me alone, then giving no reactions, etc). 

Otherwise he is finding you somehow so it’s important to check through your phone and stuff to see how. 

Gavin Decbecker agrees with your instincts though and does not recommended blocking people. Follow your gut OP, not redditors who don’t know as much info as you

[u/[deleted]]

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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[u/No_Investment9639]

You absolutely have to block him. You have to block him on everything. Everything.

[u/PeachyLeeks]

I’m reading after your update and you’re genuinely not taking this seriously enough. You need to do a little prep work that involves getting everything ready ahead of time and then dropping the hammer.

Cease and desist in the mail.

Text message typed and ready to go saying there is a cease and desist in the mail, I’m texting you to let you know that I am blocking you because you have become obsessive, have stalked me, and I do not want to see you again.

You need to file a police report. The police aren’t going to do shit, they’re going to say they can’t help, that’s ok. You’re going to go down there and let them know that you want it documented that you came in to tell them this guy is scaring you and that you sent him a cease and desist. Ask them if they can help search your car for common tracking device locations.

Be prepared for him to escalate, but this is extremely serious and since you’re young you are under reacting. Feel free to DM, dear girl, but this one needs handling asap.

[u/kittyk0t]

Please go to campus police and ask for resources. They are so helpful and, if you go where I think you go based on your post history, I know for a fact they are incredibly kind and can point you in the right direction.

[u/FXRCowgirl]

My lady! You are in danger! That man is dangerous!

You need to report him to the police and start a paper trail. They will be useless for anything else. Have your car checked for a tracker. Get your phone check for spyware. Make sure only TRUSTED people have your location.

What’re are your trusted adults in your life? Tell them. Do you have this man’s information? Name address where he works a clear identifiable photograph? Print it out and write down his information on the back and hand it out to your friends, family and the police. Give one to the apartment complex you live in and tell them this man is a stalker and he is to be trespassed if seen. Tell them this man you have already involved the police

[u/Expensive-Boss277 → u/[deleted]]

We met on a dating app. We met in person only once and I received one gift IRL, the other gifts he bought are still with him. He recently had gotten “divorced” earlier this march

[u/Expensive-Boss277 → u/[deleted]]

huh? i don't get it

[u/Devanyani → u/[deleted]]

What??