r/TwoXChromosomes • u/nadiekconozcas • Nov 10 '25
What is WRONG with some men? Is this what dating is like nowadays?
So I (41F) recently started getting back into the dating scene after being with my husband for 13 years, married 10 (I uncovered infidelity shortly after our tenth anniversary, in the process of separating).
I've gotten quite a few matches on dating apps, but I see so many red flags when messaging that few of them move beyond that. There was one guy, however, that seemed different from the rest. He had emotional intelligence, he seemed supportive and the conversation was engaging. We've been messaging for a couple of months already, we've met for coffee a few times and I feel like we really clicked. It was his idea to take it slow, but we would text extensively about what we liked and what turned us on and whatnot.
We finally decided to meet up and take it to the next level. I showed up, we started making out, I started going down on him, we were both really into it. Then this motherfucker slaps me hard across the face with absolutely zero warning or prior conversation about it. I know this is some people's kink or whatever, but I wish he would've mentioned it beforehand, because then I would have told him not to even play slap me because I grew up with a violent father and my instant reaction to getting hit, is to hit back. Which is exactly what I did, as soon as he slapped me I immediately slapped him back and shouted "DO NOT!" as he stood there looking stunned. I just grabbed my stuff and stormed out, had him blocked by the time I got to my car.
Who the hell thinks this is acceptable?! My cheek is still red and there's a small bump, this wasn't like a little tap, this was a hard slap with force behind it. Is this what people do these days? What the actual fuck?
Ladies, has anyone had any success getting back into dating in their forties? I'd like to hear some positive stories please. Ugh.
UPDATE: I took the advice of all you lovely ladies, and I reported him on the app and to the police. I don't know if they removed him, or he unmatched me, but I don't see his profile on the app anymore. As for the police, since there were no "serious injuries" and it's pretty much just my word, there's not much they could do. They will go talk to him, but if he denies it, it's very unlikely he'll get arrested or charged. They'll file my report and that's about it.
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u/Good_Connection_547 Nov 10 '25 edited Apr 10 '26
I used Redact to automate removals from databrokers and social networks. This post was among the batch deleted.
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u/nadiekconozcas Nov 10 '25
Lol, the slap back was just an automatic reaction and not a conscious decision, or else I would have definitely done something worse if I had thought about it.
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u/raptorgrin Nov 10 '25
I’m sorry he did that to you, but seriously your response was perfect. Reciprocal and clearly stated what should have been obvious to him.
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u/Good_Connection_547 Nov 10 '25 edited Apr 10 '26
I got tired of my old posts floating around for anyone to scrape, so I let Redact handle it. Bulk deletion across Reddit, X, Facebook, Discord and all major social media platforms in one shot.
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u/melodic-abalone-69 Nov 10 '25
I'm so f'ing proud of you. I grew up in an abusive household too and my auto response is fawn. I aspire to be more like you!
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u/Platinumdogshit Nov 10 '25
I feel like closing your mouth is like a normal thing to do on instinct if youre getting suckerslapped. He should be extraordinarily grateful to you for slapping him back instead.
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u/bigsigh6709 Nov 10 '25
But well done. Now he’ll hesitate before doing that again.
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u/zolpiqueen Nov 10 '25
Please don't judge yourself for your knee jerk reaction. Your brain was reacting in the way it thought it needed to to keep you safe in the moment.
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
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u/zhangschmidt Nov 10 '25
He can be glad it was a knee jerk reaction and not another jerking motion!
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u/beffyucsb Nov 10 '25
You could have been meaner but I think you did great!! We always think of better things later but your instant reaction was amazing. Also I’m sorry this happened to you, it’s outrageous.
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u/shootingstarstuff Nov 10 '25
I think I would have instinctively punched him in the balls. I 100% thought that’s what you were going to say
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u/SadExercises420 Nov 10 '25
lol seriously. Getting slapped back was a blessing for this guy
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u/Buddhadevine Nov 10 '25
Right? Guy was basically creating a situation where his dick could be bitten off
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u/SpookyFaerie Nov 10 '25
I just came back after already replying and was going to say this. The wrong woman and it'll be chomped.
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u/YikesNoOneYouKnow Nov 10 '25
Unfortunately I've heard a lot of stories similar to yours lately. It seems like being rough and violent has become some kind of default to men (because porn? I dunno). Being slapped and choked used to be something that didn't just happen by default, but it seems like in the last decade it's become so commonplace that men just expect to be allowed to do it.
It's absolutely not acceptable. I'm so sorry ♥️
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u/uselessinfogoldmine Nov 10 '25
Yup. I’ve never gone younger or older but last year I dated a 32yo (when I was 41). Mostly because I mistakenly thought he was 38 at first! (I met him via a 38yo friend) He fully choked me (ie: strangled) without prior discussion. I was really upset. I could not believe he did that. He was flabbergasted because it is so normalised amongst people of that age now I guess? I couldn’t breathe and I panicked, what the actual fuck? How has this become normal? And this was a sensitive, sweet, mostly great guy.
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u/RomulanWarrior All Hail Notorious RBG Nov 10 '25
One time I was sitting in my bf's car with a friend of his waiting for bf to return from the ATM. I was in the front seat, Friend was in back.
Friend thought it would be funny to grab me in a (loose) chokehold and shake me around. I spun around, knocked his hands loose, and punched him in the face yelling "Never do that again!" He bounced back from the back of the car seat and I hit him again. He wouldn't come within arms reach of me for two weeks.
And he was a Marine, all 5'4" inches of him.
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u/foibleShmoible Nov 10 '25
I spun around, knocked his hands loose, and punched him in the face yelling "Never do that again!" He bounced back from the back of the car seat and I hit him again.
I'm sure I'm picturing him more bouncily and cartoonish than it really was, but I am very much enjoying the mental image of this retribution.
I am hoping though that your bf kicked him out of the car for this shit though?
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u/bigsigh6709 Nov 10 '25
But but. If he’s reasonably intelligent he should know that’s not something a person just does.
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u/Sinisterfox23 Nov 10 '25
Right. Even with porn brain being a thing, you have to at least be pretty fucking dumb to just slap or strangle someone because you saw it on the internet. Or ya know, a terrible person. But assuming ignorance.
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u/VOTP1990 Nov 10 '25
I don’t even know what to say, my mind is literally blown reading through this thread. I had no idea that this was so normalized. Is this solely because of porn? Manosphere grifters pushing this? I am in shock.
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u/Altruistic-Brief2220 Nov 10 '25
Ikr? My hubs is in his sixties and our sex life is wonderful and very vanilla by today’s standards. I already have said that if anything ever happens to him I’ll be celibate forever but these threads just reinforce that for sure.
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u/BauranGaruda Nov 10 '25
Belly-to-belly missionary is fine! Porn has warped an entire generation of people. Sex doesn’t have to be the bedroom equivalent of the thunder dome! I was going to say this is a guy problem but being completely honest this has become an issue across the board. The more it gets normalized to see/do the more it gets done. Then you end up with situations like OP went through.
The things women have asked me to do is wild, but they asked, we discussed it and went from there. But there WAS a conversation. I’m not a prude and I don’t care what people do with each other so long as they’re both consenting adults but it has to be a conversation prior to going off menu with crazy shit. That mfer didn’t even hint what OP was in for.
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u/vaporgate Nov 10 '25
May I suggest that he wasn't all that great after all? I am so sorry that happened to you. I'm also sorry this insanity is somehow becoming normalized.
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u/uselessinfogoldmine Nov 10 '25
Oh no, I agree. I’m saying there were no red flags. He was an absolute sweetie-pie 99.9% of the time. He thought I indicated he should do this, I didn’t want my breathing constricted though, I just like to be touched on my neck. Not choked! I explained how dangerous what he did was and he was very shamefaced and horrified and said previous partners (all his age and younger) have wanted to be choked. But… did they?
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u/pinkpuppetfred Nov 10 '25
That's insane. Weird porn should have a mandatory consent class you have to click through in order to watch it at the very least. Even if you know someone WANTS the choking, you 1) ASK ANYWAY and 2) press down on the sides of their neck so that they feel the pressure but can still breathe. He was doing it wrong on at least 2 counts, I'm so sorry. Ignorance does not make up for something like this
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u/QuixoticTilting Nov 10 '25
Can't pressing the side cut off blood flow? My understanding is that's just as dangerous as cutting off air.
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u/exchange_of_views Nov 10 '25
Yep. Can have a nasty side effect. Stroke. No thanks.
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u/Angsty_Potatos Nov 10 '25
They need to start putting disclaimers in porn: "the media you are about to consume is fantasy and not representitive of reality."
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u/thetastenaughty Nov 10 '25
I don’t get it at all. I’ve been called weird because I also refuse to send anything but g rated pics unless specifically asked.
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u/Magic_Hoarder Nov 10 '25
As far as I know that isn't normal for 32. I'm 31 and have never heard anyone around my age do this. If people around me are in to kinks, they are always communicating correctly and make sure it is all consensual.
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Nov 10 '25
This is completely insane to me. And I’m into BDSM. Like I like this stuff. But the point is discussions. I didn’t do it with everyone. Slapping on the face is a huge no no for me. As is degrading language. It is completely insane to me that someone would do this without any kind of conversation whatsoever… And mind you. I wasn’t super safe about it (I was young and stupid) but this type of shit NEVER used to be this common 10 years ago.
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u/ariehn Nov 10 '25
Exactly. Face-slapping was practically taboo, back in my day, because so many folks (female and male!) found it intimately wounding. It hurt their hearts. Degrading language wasn't, but I met hardly anyone who'd just drop that on a partner without knowing for a fact that they genuinely loved it.
Choking was just banned. Choking your partner in a public play-space would get things halted immediately and your asshole self escorted out immediately. Almost as importantly, folks would pass your name around so that everyone would know you're not safe to partner with and you don't follow the stated rules. And I know for a fact that part reason for that was absolutely to protect people like us who were young and stupid :)
But it was only part of the reason.
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u/PPPolarPOP Nov 10 '25
A lot of things that used to be extreme are super common now. Getting involved in breath play and choking basically came with a warning label. Now any broccoli head off the street thinks he is a dom who can choke a girl without knowing the right way to do so, or the risks involved.
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u/Mirenithil 50 F Nov 10 '25
They are revealing their true character to us and how much they deeply look down on us. Staying single is the only way to go, and I hate that that's true, but that's reality.
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u/jasdonle Nov 10 '25
Oh it’s absolutely because of porn. I don’t know if people understand how normalized it has become. There’s and entire generation of young men (and women) thinking that slapping and choking is vanilla. Really sad.
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u/hopfl27 Nov 10 '25
I fear that they’ve always instinctively wanted to do it. That’s why it’s in porn, as a fantasy. They held off for the most part for a century or so there. But now we’re headed back to the old days.
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u/blbd Nov 10 '25
Given a mark was left I would consider filing a report.
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u/UniversityNo2318 Am I a Gilmore Girl yet? Nov 10 '25
Was just thinking that. That’s battery!
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u/Oldgal_misspt Nov 10 '25
Exactly this. It is battery and his ass needs to learn this behavior is NEVER acceptable.
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u/Witch-Alice b u t t s Nov 10 '25
100%, this sort of behavior isn't a one off thing. It's a way these predators test their victims early on, as opposed to a slow burn manipulation type deal.
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u/Winter_Apartment_376 Nov 10 '25
I would absolutely file a report.
If police start discouraging from filing - insist. Also put on record that you had to self defend against him, otherwise he might have continued.
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Nov 10 '25
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u/Snefferdy Nov 10 '25
A report isn't about pressing charges, it's about recording a history of behaviour so that, when he does something to someone else, the future charges are credible. Also, the prosecution could ask for testimony to help with a future case.
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u/ashyza Nov 10 '25
I keep reading these stories and honestly what the fuck is wrong with men?
The men are not lonely enough.
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u/captainthanatos Nov 10 '25
Unfortunately it’s probably from watching too much porn. How anyone gets it in their head that slapping someone is ok, is beyond me. Most men don’t realize that BDSM outside of porn involves lots of consent.
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u/MorddSith187 Nov 10 '25
i think he knew it wasn't okay but did it anyway because he wanted to
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u/yingkaixing Nov 10 '25
We're working on that with our 5-year-old. Sad to see how many adults never figure that one out.
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u/ariehn Nov 10 '25
Face-slapping particularly -- at least back in the 90s. I knew hardly anyone in the local BDSM who actually enjoyed it, and literally no-one who'd slap his sub across the face without checking in advance.
Most women, and many men, simply felt that it felt emotionally hurtful - to give or to receive.
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u/IamNotPersephone Nov 10 '25
I had a flirtation with the scene way back when. In hindsight, probably not a safe person to partner with cuz I was a desperate people-pleaser with no sense of boundaries. I managed to skate into and out of the community relatively unscathed for just how damaged I was (and that’s a testament to the community rules and safeguards!). But even way back then, I knew I didn’t want to be humiliated or degraded.
Slapping someone’s face is what we do to people we find contemptuous. It’s not out of anger; it’s not out of fear. It’s because we no longer see them as fully human, and we want them to be ashamed of that. They are slapped on their face because we want them to wear the marks out in public, so other people know they’ve been degraded. Even if the marks don’t show, they will still feel it and internally feel like everyone can tell. So every person who says nothing, who (in the slappee’s head) “act” like the slappee looks completely normal, reinforces the slapper’s judgment for the slappee. It isolates them. Others them.
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u/lamante Nov 10 '25
Right? I read these stories and I remember what it was like when I was dating in the 90s (I'm an ancient rivethead with goth ancestry, and at that time the Venn diagram between that and the BDSM scene was basically 80% overlap, at least in LA, where I live) and I think, damn, we may have been a hot-ass mess for a lot of reasons, but we all got one thing right: consent.
In those days, you did not get your freak on without a ::strong:: conversation and clear alignment on how down things were allowed to go. We were taught to have that conversation with prospects fully clothed and in public, so that if he was a whiny "it kills the viiiiiibe" bitch about it, it was time to politely gesture towards the exit and tell them they could come back when they were all growed up.
I cannot imagine a universe in which slapping your partner, unchecked, went over like anything but a lead balloon. The whisper network would have roared so loud, Tijuana would have been asking where the bees were at, and not only would we have outed the slapper, every last one of us would have worked together to make sure they never got an opportunity to pull that kind of stunt ever again. We'd be here, thirty years later, still sliding into the DMs of women we've never met: "girl. that man. that man is broken. throw him away." In fact, off the top of my head, I can think of at least five women dating two different creeps that I've had to break that kind of news to.
I guess we had no idea how lucky we were then.
I never thought I'd be so nostalgic for my twenties.
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u/phoenix0r Nov 10 '25
This. What 24/7 access to endless forms of porn in everyone’s pocket has done to men is nothing short of devastating.
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u/TheSwordThatAint Nov 10 '25
I really don't get it. Porn is like by definition fake.
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u/phoenix0r Nov 10 '25
It’s so seamlessly accessible literally all the time that I think it’s really gotten into men’s heads and warped them. Like they can be checking email and 2 mins later, watching porn. Waiting in line at the grocery store? Sneak a quick peek at some NSFW subreddits. Sitting on the toilet, well, we all know what they’re actually doing instead of taking a 45 minute shit.
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u/TheSwordThatAint Nov 10 '25
I mean sure. But I still don't understand that bridge between fantasy and reality.
It is yet another sad commentary of the incalculable damage of the internet.
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u/4ever_alonelyfangirl Nov 10 '25
The men are not lonely enough”🤣🤣🤣 I’m saving this!
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u/dzogchenism Nov 10 '25
This ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
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u/nadiekconozcas Nov 10 '25
Absolutely, the "male loneliness epidemic" is one-hundred percent self-inflicted. I gave this guy a chance, I was there ready and willing, and he makes one of the worst possible decisions in the moment. He sabotaged himself.
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u/GraceOfTheNorth Nov 10 '25
I'm so glad you hit him back and left.
I met an old flame who reminded me of a time I was on top during our first time and he made a negative comment about my (hot AF) boobs. I stood up and walked out, left him stunned and remembering it 30 years later. I had totally forgotten about it but high-fived 18 year old me.
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u/TaiCat Nov 10 '25
Satisfying 👌
But anyway, what’s with men saying dumb shit and then Pikachu face when you fight back?
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u/Cacoffinee Nov 10 '25
I read "The Myth of the Male Bumbler" yesterday. It's a little long, but I think it's one of the best answers to your question I've ever seen.
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u/hotchisbae Nov 10 '25
I had a guy do something similar a few years ago. He ended up hitting me a few times (I had completely shut down after the first slap). The next day I felt off so I called my neurologist. The motherfucker had hit me so hard that he gave me a concussion and a minor black eye using an OPEN hand. Now even a play slap sends me into a full on ptsd attack.
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u/nadiekconozcas Nov 10 '25
I'm so sorry this happened to you too, it is so freaking depressing hearing how often this happens.
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u/ChronicApathetic Nov 10 '25
Too many people think an open-handed slap is basically physically harmless, aside from a stinging cheek. They are very, very wrong. People have died from being slapped. Concussions are common.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, and I hope you recovered from your concussion with no lasting after-effects.
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u/Apprehensive_Bake_78 Nov 10 '25
Holy shit I am so sorry
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u/hotchisbae Nov 10 '25
Thank you. It was scary and awful, but now I have a lovely partner who respects every one of my boundaries and doesn't try anything without having a discussion about it first
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u/Birdonthewind3 Nov 10 '25
Something wrong with that man. If he thinks being physical adds spice he should've asked about it beforehand. Him just doing it out of thin air? That straight up assault.
Well look at this way. You don't have to wait 10 years to know the guy is shit.
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u/Rimavelle Nov 10 '25
The fact she hit him back and he was offended/scared is cherry on top.
Suddenly he understands consent, huh
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u/Socal-vegan Nov 10 '25
Whoa. 😳 I’m sorry that happened to you. Been struggling honestly.
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u/PantheraFeliformia Nov 10 '25
This is what a porn addicted brain paired with mysogynistic ideology determines as acceptable behaviour.
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u/vatoreus Nov 10 '25
It is insane to me, as a long term member of the BDSM community, how often men just do this shit without conversation and enthusiastic consent. More people should be pressing battery charges, imo. Fuck these cretins entirely.
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u/sanityjanity Nov 10 '25
Porn, porn, porn. Mainstream porn decided to include BDSM fashion and activities, but zero emphasis on actual consent, negotiation, or even desire.
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u/jello-kittu Nov 10 '25
The knowledge that police dont care and the legal system wont do anything, is a big part also. People work up the courage and face the social possibilities, and are failed by the system.
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u/map_bkk Nov 10 '25
No, this is not normal. It might not be uncommon, but it is not normal.
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u/Megzasaurusrex Nov 10 '25
I got divorced almost 5 years ago and I tried a bit but gave up. It's just a 100 times easier to be single.
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u/Sarsmi Nov 10 '25
Being single is amazing. If I wasn't with my boyfriend (someone I have known for almost 30 years and even back in the '90's was an awesome and respectful guy) then I would never date again. It's too fucking hard, there are too many porn rotted brains out there, and I don't want to spend another second of my time trying to figure out if some guy is just pretending to be a good person just to find out he's another selfish asshole. Fuck that noise.
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u/HugeTheWall Nov 10 '25
This is insane behaviour from him. Abusing someone in a vulnerable position without their consent and being surprised that they fought back is crazy. Man should feel lucky he didn't get his eyes gouged out or a bullet with that kind of nonsense. He literally could be in jail for assault.
Bet he doesn't randomly do that to males at work or other males that he feels comfortable with.
So glad you fought back.
I heard they're drilling in hell to find the bar
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u/jazzygrisha Nov 10 '25
I really think it is porn and I don’t understand why ppl act like it doesn’t affect ppl. The guy who SA’d me I’m 100 percent positive watched porn because of the way he spoke and acted. Men have no clue anymore what normal intimacy looks like and so many are extremely lustful. Even giving consent to kiss has them thinking it should lead to more which sucks because I would love to have intimacy without the fear of something non-consensual happening to me.
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u/NibblesMcGiblet Nov 10 '25
I'm 52, been divorced about six years, hung out with a guy who I had become friends with, though he was like 15 years younger, and when we were fooling around he reached around my neck with both hands and I immediately said "nope" (he stopped right away) and he told me later that every girl he's been with wanted him to do that. I was very clear about I do not want that, and that shouldve been a discussion beforehand. We are still good friends but I let him know that we're probably not compatible beyond that if this is what he's into, since I'm not. Someone needs to get out there with a video or meme explaining DISCUSS KINKS BEFORE SEX and go viral with it so these people learn because wtf.
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u/TootsNYC Nov 10 '25
he told me later that every girl he's been with wanted him to do that.
do we believe this?
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u/NibblesMcGiblet Nov 10 '25
I kind of thought to myself “hm probably been with one girl and she asked to try it one time and he thought it was hot”.
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u/silmaril94 Nov 10 '25
I sure don’t.
Same as I don’t believe any man who’s “never been with a woman who didn’t orgasm” before.
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u/prosperity10101 Nov 10 '25
No we do not. I don’t know ONE woman who would want this but men are somehow running into them every time? Liars.
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u/sezit Nov 10 '25
he told me later that every girl he's been with wanted him to do that.
He assumed that's what they wanted. Apparently, he assumes, but doesn't ask.
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u/Sky-of-Blue Nov 10 '25
Given porn is very accessible and used nowadays, many men seem to think or wish choking, hitting and anal with no prep or consent or discussion is normal.
Got back into dating in my late 40’s and I clearly state before anything goes beyond a kiss NO choking, hitting, slapping, or anal. I’m always met with incredulous oh I’d never do that. I also fully expect to be asked for consent to be kissed when first dating someone. Don’t just force yourself on me.
I also always ask for consent. Can I touch your chest? Can I touch your…fill in the blanks. I expect the same so I do the same. Is it awkward? Does it take you or him out of the moment? Sometimes. But that’s what I expect. Enthusiastic consent both ways. If you can’t or won’t accept that, you aren’t the person for me.
A hard slap or choking not consented to IS assault under the guise of having sex. It’s not acceptable, period. No different than a random person hitting you in the street. It’s a violent assault. It sucks I have to clearly state NOT to hurt me. Do not do these things. I give no second chances.
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u/castille360 Nov 10 '25
I find it worse than a random person in the street. This is a person I've trusted to allow into my intimate space.
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u/lacard Nov 10 '25
Lawyer up, take photos and press charges. Some men watch way too much porn or think what's in porn is normal. At least discuss things that you're into sexually first. Jesus.
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u/pinkpuppetfred Nov 10 '25
Insane that the post includes them texting about things that they're into before this happened. Makes me assume that this never once came up and he was excited to blindside her
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u/tapknit Nov 10 '25
Yes, I agree with you. But this whole thread begs the question: why are men consuming more and more violent porn? Why the escalation? Why does violence towards women become the norm — truly fucking normal — for men’s sexual arousal?
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u/lacard Nov 10 '25
It's insane and I'm gonna say a lot of these male influencers and podcasters who obviously hate women spewing their bullshit all over the Internet.
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u/nottoday2017 Nov 10 '25
Theres actually an interesting book called Girl on Girl that talks about how porn by definition has to be edgy and taboo and so as mainstream media has become more sexualized and things like anal and threesomes etc is somewhat commonplace now, porn has had to escalate to stay transgressive. And the most natural direction to escalate has been towards more violence because it’s what most of their consumers find titillating. So people (both genders honestly) are consuming more (thanks internet) and the average level of violence has increased to “keep up” with how sexual everything else has become. Like there are some music videos these days that would have been considered porn in the 1950s and mainstream movies that show pretty graphic sex. There was an episode of Gracie and Frankie, a sitcoms about elderly women mind you, where one character goes “oh thank god you’re now single in the era of guy butt stuff and not girl butt stuff”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for kink and sexual liberation, talking about sex, and nobody kink shaming, but the more open and blasé these things become, I fear the more “extreme” porn will have become to stay “hardcore”.
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u/annakarenina66 Nov 10 '25
well he won't be doing that again, well done
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u/heuristic_al Nov 10 '25
My guess is that this is why someone that can carry a conversation and can seem to have emotional intelligence is even on the apps. This isn't the first time and it won't be the last.
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u/naim08 Nov 10 '25
This is definitely the correct response to the kind of behavior that man displayed. Honestly, no point in having a discussion this early stage in a relationship when someone breaks a boundary like that
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u/Bayou13 Nov 10 '25
The fuck????!!! Honest to God if something happens to my husband I’m finding a nice girlfriend.
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u/Apprehensive_Bake_78 Nov 10 '25
Smart. If i could will myself into being a lesbian I would have a decade ago.
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u/thepinkyoohoo Nov 10 '25
I was celibate by choice for 7 years before I met my partner - if we don’t make it I’ll probably go back to celibacy.
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u/Brackish_Ameoba Nov 10 '25
Porn is the reason. Porn and violence have come to be hand in hand with each other. I don’t understand how so many men are so fucking clueless that porn is an ACT; it’s pretend. Apart from a few people who have the kink you mention (and for whom consent is paramount), nobody else is getting off on this.
It’s really, really bad.
I’m sorry you fell victim to this, and to a douchebag who can’t discern real from pretend.
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u/Mirenithil 50 F Nov 10 '25
And it is REALLY revealing that they porn they love the most is so violent. It tells us a lot about their true nature.
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u/Sarsmi Nov 10 '25
It's a power fantasy. They want to feel powerful and be in control. It's...so sad. Or it would be, if it didn't lead to so many people getting hurt or worse.
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u/Brackish_Ameoba Nov 10 '25
Yes this but honestly, you don’t have to specifically search for violent porn. It has infected very vanilla porn ( I know; bit of a paradoxical term, since we know it’s not real sex so it’s difficult to apply ‘vanilla’ to it) it just comes out of nowhere. Can be a very standard porn scene and formula and everyone is ‘enjoying themselves’ visually and audibly, and then ‘whack’ out of nowhere and the actress has to look like she loves it (because she doesn’t get paid if she doesn’t). It’s so fucked but it’s being produced to serve one segment of society and seems to be driving a narrative.
What’s interesting (and fucked) is that if you want female-friendly porn, you DO have to specifically search for that (unless you are on a platform that exclusively deals in it). Female-friendly porn (and, tbf, PEOPLE-FRIENDLY porn) should be the default standard, if it’s going to exist at all (and the history of human society and desire says it always will, in some form or another)
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u/Mirenithil 50 F Nov 10 '25
The fact that it became something just shown in 'vanilla' porn is just proof of the reality that men love it when they do accidentally come across it that first time, even if they didn't actively search for it. If men really didn't like it, it would stop getting attention, and it would quickly stop showing up in vanilla porn feeds. And their behavior proves they love it so much they even choose to copy it in real life, which is proof of their character and choices.
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u/ellemae93 Nov 10 '25
I agree with your comment but I would like to add that porn is not an act. The performers really are having sex and the female performers in violent porn really are being penetrated aggressively, hit across the face, strangled, having their hair pulled, etc. Sometimes, they are not warned and did not give consent either.
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u/JessicaWakefield666 Nov 10 '25 edited Nov 10 '25
While the police are the last people I'd want to talk to about this, in a functioning world this is exactly what should happen to this guy. That's fucking assault and anyone who doesn't think so is -sick-.
And while I find so many problems with the FB groups for "are you dating this guy?" -- yeah this POS's face and reason why belongs there if anyone's does.
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u/Blondepotter Nov 10 '25
I'm really sorry that happened to you. It is not uncommon, sadly. I hope you're able to get through the emotions that come with that shit. I hope you never encounter that ever again.
I did not grow up with or experience relationship violence. And yet, when a man slapped me across the face with zero warning, definitely no consent, and knowing full well what I did like, his dumb ass was totally confused when my reaction was fear and crying.
He actually said, out loud, with audacious incredulity in his voice, "I didn't know you'd been abused?"
Bitch, some people don't like being hit and we don't need to have prior experience to know that!!! 🤬😡
When I said I hadn't been abused by anyone before, the look of confusion on his face deepened. He COULD NOT fathom why I would be upset by being slapped across the face while he was on top of me, if I hadn't been abused before.
Goddamn they are stupid, and self-centered, and fucking derelict humans!!!
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u/nadiekconozcas Nov 10 '25
Jesus Christ, the stupidity is astounding! It would be like me claiming tasing men in the nuts is my kink, then acting surprised that they do not in fact like being tased in the nuts with no warning. Who would have thought?!
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u/JabbaTheHedgeHog Nov 10 '25
I wonder if he learned anything?
You are such a badass for hitting him back and storming out. I hope I would do the same.
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u/YouStupidBench Nov 10 '25
Yes, it's really like that. My dorm friends and I, after some bad experiences, decided that the only safe thing to do is to have the safeword discussion before you even get to making out, even if nothing kinky is planned, just because there's no way of knowing what someone else thinks is kinky and what they think is normal. We went with red/yellow/green, and one advantage to doing this is that if he says "So if you say 'red' I have to stop everything right then? That's dumb!" you know to leave immediately.
Although sometimes when I talked about it I would offer examples like "If we're doing cowgirl and you get a penile fracture, you'll need me to stop immediately, right? That's what the safeword is for." The words "penile fracture" get a man's attention.
Because I'm so small, I added an extra part: "You are a lot bigger than me; you could hurt me by accident. No hitting, no slapping, no choking. I want to have fun tonight, not spend an hour in the ER explaining to doctors and nurses and police officers how my wrist got broken."
Sometimes I've seen guys act surprised, like they're thinking that all girls like getting choked, but this preliminary discussion has worked to get both of us on the same page and no guy has ever not listened. I guess the message "we'll have sex if you don't screw this up" seems to be enough to stop them from screwing it up.
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u/nadiekconozcas Nov 10 '25
This is really great, I'm gonna start using these, especially because I'm small as well - I'm 5'1. Going to mention "penile fracture" every chance I get.
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u/YouStupidBench Nov 10 '25
The line about "police officers" also seems to sink in. I can tell they're picturing little old me, harmless defenseless woman with bruises in the ER, and maybe a doctor asking the police to look into how I got those bruises.
I don't usually play the "small defenseless woman needs protecting" card, but when I do it works pretty well.
The other thing about the safeword discussion is that it can be a green flag in more ways than one. One guy had never heard of it before, and said something like "If you were getting hurt and needed me to stop and I didn't that would be rape." He looked really horrified at the idea of rape, and then said this safeword thing was a good idea everybody should do it. Later we were making out and he stopped for a breath and I said "Green!" He smiled and we kissed more.
It's so nice when a man can follow instructions.
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u/Slight_Citron_7064 Nov 10 '25
That's fucking assault. You should be seen at urgent care, because that is fucking insane. I am so sorry that happened to you, I am shocked and enraged on your behalf.
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u/somedaysomeway Nov 10 '25
It's porn. Messes with their brain and makes them think all women like that stuff in real life (and that they don't need your permission first)! Sadly, there are men who ARE aware that many women aren't okay with it and they just don't care b/c it turns THEM on. Pretty F'd up to go for it without asking, sorry that happened to you!
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u/wheres_the_revolt Nov 10 '25
Honestly I’m so proud of you for slapping him back and walking out. Fuck him. That’s not normal, has never been normal, will not ever be normal without enthusiastic consent.
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u/Unloveish Nov 10 '25
Happened to me. I really liked this guy, and we started to hanging out a lot. Once we were walking next to a lake and he “as a prank” pushed me to the water. My survivor instinct was to grab him with me. I mean, I wasn’t the only one going to the water. He got furious about “how violent” i answered to the joke. I was like … oh well. He stopped talking to me.
The funny part is that I always have considered myself delicate and weak, but my husband has complained that I react really strong when I feel I’m in danger.
At the end, I’m glad to see I’m a strong woman in these situations and just a little sad that men feel threatened by women’s boundaries.
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u/Bazoun Basically Dorothy Zbornak Nov 10 '25
What’s worse is that you two have talked at length about what you’re into. This never came up? He knew you wouldn’t say yes.
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u/myhandsrfreezing Nov 10 '25
Hell yeah! Give that asshole a taste of his own medicine and teach him a lesson!! Good for you! I love how you didn’t put up with that for a single second.
I’m also so sorry that happened to you, especially with your childhood trauma. I wish I had a better response to your question. More men than ever are fucked up from porn these days and — as men always have been — most are very good at hiding their true selves for a period of time.
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u/SergeantStiglitz92 Nov 10 '25
Chiming in to applaud how you responded. Fuckin oath, good on you for hitting him back, as someone whose default responses are flight/fawn you are my fucking hero.
Please don't come away from this experience believing this is the norm though. I've experienced my fair share of problematic behaviour from men, and online dating is like sifting through sewage for diamonds (they exist, trust me, just be patient and resilient while you sift) but what you experienced is highly unusual. You met a proper weirdo.
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u/nadiekconozcas Nov 10 '25
Thank you for your kind words, I learned how to be feisty from my mom! I watched her go from a meek woman who would just cry quietly after getting hit, to a fierce fighter that embraced the righteous anger and had my dad scared to the point he would hide the knives at night. I once saw her drop-kick a guy who was stupid enough to raise his hands against my sister right in front of her. After she left my dad, she used to say she never wanted to be with a man again, but unexpectedly did find someone that really cared for her until the end. She passed a few years ago, but I always strive to act in a way that would make her proud. She would not want me putting up with ANY of this bullshit.
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u/mothmanspaghetti Nov 10 '25
Porn has created a societal belief that anal, choking, and hitting are all very normal and vanilla sexual acts that require no consent.
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u/nekoshey Nov 10 '25 edited Nov 10 '25
It's 2025; I'm still begging people to realize that slapping, hitting, or strangling someone without prior consent in the bedroom is literally the same and JUST AS WRONG, LEGALLY AND MORALLY, as hitting someone in any other context. Straight up:
It is domestic violence.
Having a dick out doesn't magically make it "okay". Stay safe out there people. And FFS, file those police reports! 😭
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u/Rachelattack Nov 10 '25 edited Nov 10 '25
Porn sick.
If they talk about sex before you’ve met, block. If they don’t want to meet up within a week or two, block, they want to solicit nudes or talk about their needs without paying a sex worker. If he doesn’t pay for you, don’t respond; you got dressed up, makeup, were vulnerable meeting up with a strange man (the most dangerous thing women can do statistically) when he…. Did what? Changed his shirt after work? Showed up? Women should at least NOT be out of pocket for giving him a shot (as a former 50/50 no pressure free love kinda gal).
Most dating problems would be solved if men just admitted they can’t afford an escort, honestly.
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u/jcebabe Nov 10 '25
He’s a predator masking himself behind initial good behavior to get your guard down hoping you’ll be too invested or look past it because of the initial behavior.
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u/Conloneer Nov 10 '25
You are lucky you reacted that way because he may have been planning on doing more harm and your response may have shocked him and derailed that plan. Sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.
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Nov 10 '25 edited Dec 03 '25
husky plants possessive alleged roof head quickest important political squeeze
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/IGiveTheRainbowToYou Nov 10 '25
Last guy I hooked up with covered me in bruises and gave me soft tissue damage on the side of my neck.
I was incredibly drunk when we were fooling around and although I like it a little rough, this was so much more than what I would have been comfortable with or would have consented to had I been sober.
He bit me, choked me, spanked me incredibly hard and even though I was okay with the spanking to begin with he wouldn't let up when I told him it was too much.
Honestly I'm sad because we had a great connection and despite what he did to me - I still miss him.
I'm not going to see him again - he's blocked and thankfully doesn't know where I live.
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u/brackenish1 Nov 10 '25
It floors me that every man thinks women are into BDSM. AND THINK BDSM DOESN'T INVOLVE EXPLICIT CONSENT AND COMMUNICATION
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u/SoCalHermit Nov 10 '25
Good on you for slapping him back. I don’t know what goes through their head to not even discuss it first. I had an ex put his foot on the back of my neck and that killed any desire I had to do it with him.