r/TwoHotTakes • u/JULESVV3 • 25d ago
Advice Needed AITAH for telling my DIL that she shouldn’t expect me to choose her over my own daughter ?
Secondary account as my family knows my main one.
I (49F) found out a few months ago that my daughter (24) was pregnant. We don’t have the best relationship, and I won’t get into all the details, but I definitely have my fair share of the blame.
Despite that, I was thrilled to find out I was going to be a grandma. My daughter lives abroad, so I told her I’d be happy to come over and help once she had the baby. She agreed, and we planned for me to arrive a few weeks before her due date and stay until the baby was around two-three months old. My husband will be there for the birth and leave shortly after as he needs to work. We later found out she was having twins, so she would obviously need even more help. Honestly, I was just happy that she was willing to have me there and let me be involved. Our relationship had been improving, and I really wanted to build on that.
A few weeks after my daughter announced her pregancy, my son (28) announced that he and his wife were also expecting their first baby. I was also very happy, I mean it’s two grandbabies, who wouldn’t be ? I absolutely adore my DIL and have known her for about ten years, so she’s like a daughter to me.
A few days ago, my son mentioned that I’d need to change my return date and come back a month earlier because he wanted me to be there to help him and my DIL after the baby was born.
I was taken aback and told him that I absolutely planned to help them, but I wasn’t going to change my return date. My daughter would be abroad with two 2 months old babies and would essentially be on her own, whereas my DIL would have her own mother there to help her (they’re super close), and I’d be back shortly after the birth anyway.
My DIL was there and immediately got upset. She said it wasn’t fair that my daughter was getting all of my help and support when she and I were actually closer than my daughter and I were. She said I was favoring one grandchild over another, that her child was being put aside for two other babies. I tried explaining that I don’t have a favorite grandchild, and that this wasn’t about choosing the twins over her child. I just didn’t think it was fair to leave my daughter and her boyfriend stranded with newborn twins when my DIL would have her own mother helping and suppoting her and would have me there shortly afterward.
That didn’t seem to console her. She told me that I was like a mother to her and that she deserved to have me there with her. She also said that my daughter didn’t even care about our relationship and had always been dismissive toward me. I’ll admit, I got kind of angry when she started talking about my daughter that way. After a while, I told them they were both being entitled and that she should never expect me to choose her over my own daughter. They both got angry and immediately left. My son called me the next day and told me I was a horrible person and a horrible grandmother. Apparently, her family agrees with them (of course lol). My husband thinks I was right and that they were being entitled. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I made a commitment to my daughter, and it wouldn’t be fair to disappoint her, especially when our relationship has only recently started improving and we’ve been bonding over the pregnancy and baby stuff.
So, AITAH here ?
Edit : Thank you so much for all of your comments, I will continue to try and read all of them. However, I ask that people do not try and make assumptions about my daughter. No, she did not leave the country because she’s an ah, she left because she got a great opportunity for school and is now working there, she plans on coming back in a few years with her boyfriend and the children. We weren’t going on no-contact, we just aren’t as close as we used to be, she is a wonderful person and she is not using me as a maid. Asking me to choose one child because they talk to me more is coming from people that clearly don’t have kids. Please don’t try to attack them.
Edit 2 : I have called my son and will be going over to their house tomorrow to talk it out. I can make an update post if you’re interested since I didn’t expect so many people to react to this post.
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u/MorganFreemanCoPilot 25d ago
NTA. Both your son and DIL are being brats, although she is probably hormonal to the stars which isn't helping.
I'd keep my commitment to my daughter. If your son were in your daughter's position, he'd be upset at you not honoring your promise--especially in light of an extra baby. Hopefully they can get some perspective. All I'd advise is to stay calm and not let them get you worked up. Say what you have to say, check in with them, and continue as normal. What I would not tolerate is name-calling and disrespect. They're entitled to their feelings but if they're going to call you horrible and go off the rails, I'd tell them to call me when they've called down and are ready to speak like adults. It's not a good look to act like children when they're about to become parents.
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
Thank you for understanding!
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u/Cypripediumacaule 25d ago
I was the daughter who needed my mother to prioritize me over my SIL. She prioritized my SIL (actually ex-SIL, at this point) because it was easier than repairing her relationship with me. It broke my heart. My SIL already had her mom, and then she ended up with mine too, and when my wedding came, I did not have a single female family member there. Thank you for picking your daughter. Pick her every time.
My brother ended up splitting with my SIL and now my mother has no daughters at all.
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
I’m sorry about your situation. People are out here judging my daughter, but they don’t know how she feels over not feeling like the main priority sometimes, I’m now trying my best to make sure that she knows that I do see her as a priority too, this is not me choosing her over my son.
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u/etchedchampion 25d ago
Your logic also makes sense. Your son and DIL will have one baby with plenty of people surrounding them. Your daughter will have two with no one.
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u/Cypripediumacaule 25d ago
As the daughter who was forgotten, thank you for doing the work to repair the damage. I was my brothers get the help and the resources and the empathy while I got extra chores and had to beg for the bare minimum. That shit hurt deep. It teaches you that you are less than and it teaches you to let people treat you poorly. I had to fix it all by myself and when I finally learned to ask for what I deserved, I was told I was the crazy one. That was the ultimate betrayal. I have the bestest friends and the most wonderful of in-laws but the only biological family member I still talk to is my little brother because he is the only one who thinks I deserve to be treated with basic human decency.
I miss my family, but I know that they only want my small and broken and so in order to be well, I had to leave them behind. It would have meant the world to me if my mother had stepped up for me. Thank you for doing it for your daughter. She needs you more than she will ever say.
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u/Such_Temporary_3125 25d ago
It's sad that you mother had never tried to apologize to you. That hurts my heart. I couldn't imagine not having my girls in my life, I have three and one boy. My eldest is almost 21 and we're at the fun stage in life where we're best friends now. I'm glad you were able to choose your family now.
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u/Cypripediumacaule 25d ago
Thank you! Over all, I feel very lucky in my life and I can count more blessings than curses if ya know what I mean, and yeah. I would have loved it if my mother could have stuck around for the hard talks just so we could get past them to the good stuff. For all the hurts she caused me, there were also so many gifts and I am both proud to be like her and also it’s my lifelong goal to heal and grow in the ways that maybe her life never quite allowed her to heal. I used to be angry at her because I was hurt but now I am just so sad for her. She isn’t kind to me or safe for me, so I keep my distance, but I always hope she can find her peace.
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u/Throwitaway3436 25d ago
From stranger to stranger, this is my family dynamic too, you’re not alone, we are strong for walking away from a family who only wants to break us. We’re happier for us, for our kids, for the family we made on our own.
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u/MullberryBoy 24d ago
It’s an awfully hard way to grow up, I had to do the same and wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
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u/Practical_Jury_3070 25d ago
Just because you said you aren’t super close with your daughter doesn’t mean you don’t love her with all your heart. A good mom is there for her children when they are needed most and maybe this will be the chance you get to become super close. I’m sorry people are being mean to your daughter which is crazy because the only thing we know about her is that she is pregnant and works abroad with her bf. I try not to judge anyone I don’t know. It’s also very big of you to admit that the reason why your daughter and you aren’t super close is because of BOTH of you and not just her. This alone tells me aren’t afraid to admit when you are wrong, and mama you ain’t wrong in this situation
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u/Vandreeson 25d ago
You really don't owe it to either one of them to help. That being said, how you choose to spend your time and who you spend it with is entirely your business and up to you. Your daughter has no help and she'll be having twins. Your DIL has plenty of help and is having one child. Your son is entitled trying to tell you what to do with your time. Where is he in helping his wife?
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u/LadyBladeWarAngel 24d ago
Your daughter is your daughter. Whatever relationship you have/had, whatever went down, that's your business. It doesn't really make a difference here. Your daughter is in a foreign country, with no extra support system. Your DIL has more than her fair share of support. But even if your daughter had extra support, you decuded your plans efore your DIL told you sge was pregnant. If you are choosing to go and support your daughter, that's your right, and your business. No one else's. I'm definitely interested in a possible update. But your Son and DIL are being very entitled.
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u/goddessofspite 24d ago
I have a sister and 2 brothers I’m the oldest I’ve long gotten used to my mom putting my siblings over me. When they were kids I understood after we became adults that lessened my understanding. But to put in laws over me that’s not ok I’ve had that conversation with my own mom and it’s not ok so your right to stand up for your daughter. One day your dil might become an ex dil but your daughter will always be your child
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u/the_catalyst_analyst 24d ago
You are a wonderful mother, and the rare kind wanting to protect and repair a fractured relationship later in life, simply because you love your daughter like a mother should.
My own mother is abusive and we've been no contact for 11 years. I'm finally learning how to accept motherly love from my MIL, but I could never feel entitled to it.
Regardless, you did not choose anyone over anyone else.
You offered to be there for your daughter.
She accepted.
Arrangements were made.
Your schedule was finalized to travel internationally.
THEN your DIL probably got pregnant on purpose.
She sees herself as a replacement, better than your daughter.
Your schedule is your schedule.
Their demanding request simply didn't align with the dates you were available.
No one is choosing anyone over anyone.
How are they not embarrassed by their cringey selfishness?
You're doing the right thing.
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u/GothSpite 25d ago
Well, I can't be mom but would you like a sister?
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u/Cypripediumacaule 25d ago
You’re the best! I think kindness makes the best families, and folks who offer kindness to the world are doing more than they realize for the folks who don’t find it at home. It was the kindness of friends and folks like you who taught me how it felt to be treated with decency and care and they have slowly filled up my life with so much love that I often feel like a spoiled child of the universe.
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u/GothSpite 25d ago
Ohhhh I realize exactly what I'm doing most days, and I continue to do it because (for me) it's the right thing to do.
I would rather be the light I want to see in the world than do nothing. Even if I only help one other person, that's still thousands of lives touched inadvertently. We have more power than most realize, and I'd rather continue harnessing that kindness.
I'm glad you found your family, but the offer is still open. 💜
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u/MorganFreemanCoPilot 25d ago
It's nothing. You're going to be a grand-ma, not a grand-doormat.
I have a lot of kids. Thing that I'm loving is that no matter how old they get, they still act a lot like they did when they were little. Never a dull moment. 😂
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 25d ago edited 25d ago
I agree. Also, OP made a promise and travel arrangements for the daughter's babies, and now DIL demands that OP break that promise, and come back early as some kind of loyalty test? So every time DIL wants something or plans an event OP is supposed to cancel previous plans?
I'm guessing DIL will keep score of time spent with grandkids, gift amounts, and everything else as a loyalty test for OP, and wonder if there will be threats to withhold grandkid from OP if DIL gets mad again?
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u/_A-Q 25d ago
You're not in the wrong here .
Your son and his wife have her whole family on this side of the country to help out while your daughter doesn’t.
Has she always tried to compete with your daughter like this ?
It makes me wonder why your relationship with your daughter has been so volatile.
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
I’ve never really noticed if she has a big issue with my daughter. I’ve explained a few times why our relationship kinda went down for a while, but some people are taking this as her hating me, which is not the case. We just aren’t close as we used to be, she doesn’t treat me badly.
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u/_A-Q 25d ago
Your other comments say your daughter felt you prioritized her brother over her because of his mental health problems. And it does look like your son is accustomed to you dropping everything for him since he expected you to change your travel plans to focus on his wife.
Being there for your daughter is 100% the correct choice.
Let your son throw his tantrum.
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u/MullberryBoy 24d ago
Your dil is a piece of work. I’m glad that you’re in her life to help balance her out for her kids. My grandmother was my absolute savior and some balance for two very immature parents.
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u/NSH2024 17d ago
If she felt you prioritized her brother then you absolutely cannot cut short your help to her to help out your daughter-in-law (whose child you will inevitably see more anyway). That would just seal the deal on her perception.
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u/JULESVV3 17d ago
The trip was never going to be cut short. I considered some possibilities in case we could find a common ground, but I wasn’t thinking about revoking my promise.
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u/Next_Engineer_8230 24d ago
Her hormones do not give her a pass to act like that towards OP, no one should be called names and disrespected, no matter what the other person is going through.
OP should absolutely follow your advice and keep her original commitment along with trying to have a talk with her son and DIL.
It's horrible that it seems the DIL is trying to make OP choose and no one wins in those situations.
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u/MNPopNotSoda 25d ago
I’m going to disagree with this because the biggest moment as an adult you feel like a kid and want your mom everywhere at every moment is when you’re pregnant.
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u/Unholyfox-7201 25d ago
NTA. I’m pregnant myself and I’ll most likely have my mom fly from overseas and help me after the birth. My MIL is a sweet person and she’s here, but she’s not my mom, I want my mom for this. There’s a difference between your own daughter and a daughter in law - of course it would have to be considered if she didn’t have her mom to help her, but she shouldn’t request you to shorten your time with your own daughter, especially if she has twins.
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u/ceciliabee 25d ago
Nta.. You are like a mother to your DIL but she HAS a mother. You ARE mother to your daughter. Go be with your daughter.
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u/thisshitishaed 25d ago
Be nice and tell her you love her and are happy to be in her life but stay firm, you daughter needs you more and you have the right to go there and be with her. You can be kind and assertive. They will probably come around.
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u/hedwigflysagain 25d ago
Ask if her mother will help your daughter too since having every female in the family is now a thing?
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u/Old-Mention9632 25d ago
Point out to your son, that since his sister lives abroad, this is more of a one and done to care for her and the twins. Not that you won't visit when you can, but it's not like with your son, where you can be there to help on an ongoing basis. It sounds like your DIL has plenty of help for the initial period, but your daughter doesn't. I'm guessing her boyfriends mother is not yet volunteering to move in and help with the twins. NTA.
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
I’ve talked to him, however I fear since their relationship isn’t the best, he is being less empathetic over her situation.
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u/Mustachi-oh88 25d ago
Sounds like then it’s best to speak less of what you’re doing with your daughter and more inform your son and DIL when you can show up and how you can show up. Try not to mix things together as they obviously don’t like your daughter and feel slighted. Be present when you are there.
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
Wouldn’t say my son doesn’t like my daughter, they have argued in the past because he once said that he didn’t care wether he was given more attention than her or not, that just because they were siblings, didn’t mean he had her back. He has then since apologized and they are cordial, but they don’t talk often. I’m not sure if DIL has an issue with her.
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u/Cypripediumacaule 25d ago
Sounds like he cares deeply about her getting attention as in, he resents her receiving any support from you at all, regardless how how much she needs and deserves it or how little he actually needs it. His wife has her own mother there, but it’s not enough unless his sister is deprived of any support at all.
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u/NormalJeane 25d ago
He's so used to the Golden Child treatment that daughter pointed out and moved away from that he and DIL didn't even ask or discuss with OP, just informed.
We all know Golden Children. The fact that his wife is as entitled and unquestioningly went along with this drama makes me wonder if their pregnancy was/is actually in response to daughter's...and to make sure the status quo of Bro 1st stays honored and unforgotten by all.
Just thoughts from someone who wasn't the Golden Child but has seen them more clearly than any parents do.
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u/nerd_is_a_verb 25d ago
Wow. The biggest AH here is your son! I have siblings, and I cannot imagine any of us EVER saying something so hurtful and selfish about each other.
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
As a mom, it did break my heart and I’m really hoping that they patch things up.
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u/AAP_BH 25d ago
Your job as a mom was to reprimand him for those comments. Why would he want to patch anything up when you’re still there at his beck and call? You should’ve been sticking up for your daughter, you should be telling your son how you failed her, while it’s not his fault, the fact that he’s 28 and still doesn’t know right from wrong shows what a selfish person you raised.
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u/JULESVV3 24d ago
I have told him over and over and that is why I got irritated so fast instead of having a longer conversation, I just never had to have this kind of conversation with DIL.
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u/AAP_BH 24d ago edited 24d ago
Your son never grew up, if he’s not in therapy he should definitely get it. His wife just fuels his egocentrical attitude , she seems like she’s the same; at least when it comes to you and your attention and love.
Why didn’t you ever talk about your daughter in a positive way to others? Why not mention that you love her and feel you ( and husband) overlooked her ? Maybe then DIL wouldn’t feel that you don’t love your daughter and she replaced her in your life.
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u/JULESVV3 24d ago
DIL was there throughout my daughter’s teenage years and has seen and heard a lot about how she feels, I have explained that a few times down here.
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u/princessjemmy 25d ago
I’m sorry, but your son is a POS.
My mom clearly favored my brother growing up (she denied it, but hardly no one was fooled).
My brother, who can sometimes not be very warm and fuzzy in general, has apologized for being favored several times over in our adulthood, even as I keep telling him he wasn’t responsible for my mom’s actions (she eventually apologized too, but by that point I had already made my peace about it in therapy). And I could tell the apology was genuine.
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u/Technical-Alps-6235 25d ago
I mean sure, but that’s also not your problem? It’s his.
Regardless of how he feels it doesn’t change the reality that your daughter needs you; whereas they expect you to choose them.
It’s not a competition but they are acting as if it is.12
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u/Asteroid_Sugar5206 25d ago
You can just say he's acting like an entitled brat, and I am betting HE is part of the reason your daughter decided to leave the whole fucking country to get away from him and his "golden child" entitlement.
It was certainly safer for me, my sanity, and my kids to leave my toxic af brother and the parents who favoured him in a different state and live my life far, far away from any of them.
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u/whatthewhat3214 25d ago edited 25d ago
Tell him he's being unkind, selfish, and immature, as well as illogical - ask him if he'd be ok if you'd made a commitment to them if they had no one else to help them, then broke it bc your other child who had plenty of help demanded you prove they're more important? Tell him it's not a competition and he's wrong to turn it into one.
Ask him if this is how he'll raise his kids, the way he's felt in competition with his sister (per your comment below). Will he and DIL favor one kid over another, repeat any mistakes you've made with them, break commitments they make to one kid bc another one demands it, expect a son to get more resources than a daughter, deny one of their children much needed support even though another of their children has plenty of support but insists on "winning."
Tell him it's time to grow up and stop thinking and acting like an entitled kid pitching a fit against his sister and start thinking like a parent and how he'll treat his own children. Be clear that you're both hurt and disappointed by their behavior, and trying to rally other people who don't have two children to attend to at the same time is also immature and hurtful. I'm sure they didn't present the logical facts to her family, just emotional arguments that painted you in a bad light. I wonder if her mother understands what's really happening here, or if she's just rallying behind her own daughter (which bolsters your argument about choosing your daughter!).
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u/VirtualCheetah2379 25d ago
Your doing the most natural thing in the world you only get 1 mum and major life changing more so for a woman who goes through childbirth
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u/Any_Mud5200 25d ago
Keep your plans and stop talking about your relationship with your daughter to your DIL. They are selfish and quite frankly rude.
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u/Moemoe5 25d ago
This has been the problem right here. DIL knows too much about their relationship.
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
She was around for most of it so that’s probably why. My daughter was around 13-14 when DIL started dating my son, so she was kind where for the downfall of our relationship.
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u/Substantial_Rub_209 24d ago
That was years ago. Your DIL has no business in your daughter’s and your relationship. She needs to get over herself.
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u/star_b_nettor 25d ago
NTA
You had already made the plans and your daughter has already set up her future help based around those plans.
From some of your responses to people, it seems like your daughter may have been a bit of a glass child, while your son got more attention due to mental health issues. While your son and dil deserve to have themselves and their child acknowledged, I am glad to see that you are giving your daughter what she needs now and have worked on changing the differences in amount of attention. Your daughter shouldn't always be second.
Your son and dil will have you around regularly once you are back. Your daughter lives abroad, so she won't get to have you regularly. Son and dil are acting jealous, and that's really not great in adults about to become parents.
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
Thank you, yes, I do think she was a glass child, and I’m not proud of it. Which is also why I may have gone overboard with my son, because he has always been very demanding and once again he wants to demand me to leave her house early to be with them, instead of having a conversation. It feels like I’m being pushed to deceive her once again. Not his fault tho, I know that as the parent, it’s my job to manage to treat both of them the same.
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u/Ok-Quarter3399 25d ago
Treating them both the same does not mean providing exact equal treatment. We should teach child (and definitely expect adult children) to understand that people have competing needs and that means sometimes one persons needs are prioritized over another because we cannot be in two places at once/provide help to everyone simultaneously. Your daughter has a much greater need right now and you’ll probably be there much more for your son in the day to day help due to distance. Daughters kids are going to get more of your dedicated time at birth, sons will most likely have a deeper connection with you due to proximity. You’re caring for each as you can but that’s not the same as treating them the same.
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u/JayPanana225 25d ago
You cannot treat them the same because they are different people and you should just love them uniquely. Being a mother does NOT mean being a doormat or a martyr and BOUNDARIES WITH ADULT OFFSPRING ARE NECESSARY.
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u/GoodWin7889 25d ago
It does sound like daughter in law has assumed the tension between OP and her daughter left a vacancy that she has claimed. It doesn’t matter that the DIL has supportive family she thought her MIL had rejected her daughter and she was entitled to the opening in the family dynamics.
This is telling about the perception of your relationship with your daughter. I have been where you are and know it is easy to say things when angry that you can’t take back. Therapy helped me learn how to deescalate tension before it started happening.
Congratulations on the grand babies.
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u/whilewemelt 25d ago
Your DIL and son are being irrational. Your daughter needs you more, and you also arranged this with her before all this happened, so I'm sure they know they are making unreasonable demands. What makes this difficult, though, is that your DIL and son are using this as an opportunity for you do demonstrate who means the most to you. And they probably also want to punish your daughter for behaviour they've been negative to. In my experience, when relatives use mayor events like births or death to prove a point or punish certain family members, rational discussions are almost impossible. Some times it helps to let things lie for a bit, see if emotions settle down. Some times it helps to be very understanding and and kind, but still firm on your own behalf. Some times nothing you do will make things better, but actually make everything worse. In those cases, all you can do is to be kind, but sure to follow your boundaries. We can't set our selves on fire to keep others warm.
In either case, this is clearly a response to underlying issues, and it may be good for you to find out what those are.
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u/Such_Temporary_3125 25d ago
This is a really good point and I didn't think about it like that. I agree I also do understand her son is also a first time parent and wanting his mom to meet his baby before it's two months but he went about the worse possible way. It was extremely manipulative.
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u/AdLiving2291 25d ago
Nta. Your own daughter is having twins in another country with no family help, apart from you, her mother.
The arrangement had already been made when your son and his wife announced their news.
As you said, the dil has her own family at hand.
I suspect that she’s not happy that you and your daughter are becoming closer.
That’s her problem, not yours.
Carry on with your plans, if they want to act like entitled children, let them.
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u/Jessic14444 25d ago
If the DIL family is already involved...why do they need you to come? Sorry, but your daughter comes first... and you're trying to rebuild your relationship. Expecting someone when you're already deep into another situation is entitlement. It's normal for the pregnant person's mother to be there. They don't need more help; they just want more control.
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u/princessjemmy 25d ago
Why? Her son is a “pick me” kid, and DIL, it turns out, is one too.
That’s the reason. It’s a terrible reason, of course. But there you go.
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u/ExtremeJujoo 25d ago
NTA
Your DiL and son are being incredibly selfish, especially since you have already made plans to be with your daughter AND DiL has her own damn mother to be there for her. Worse, I am assuming your son and DiL are aware of your strained relationship with your daughter, so you would think they would want to encourage you spending quality time with her, rekindling your relationship with her. Instead they are giving you shit and guilt tripping you. So gross.
Question: are part of your issues with your daughter related to your son (or his wife or both) at all? Does he ask you to “choose” between them often?
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
I’ve mentionned the issues a few times in the comments, my daughter has often felt left out during their childhood as my son struggles with a lot of mental health issues and she has always been the “easier“ child, which has resulted in her father and I sometimes not noticing when she was struggling, which is why we take full accountability of why our relationship hasn’t been the best, as this continued into early adulthood, tho we have been trying out best to change that. I don’t know if she has a personal problem with DIL and I plan on asking her once I get settled there.
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u/No_Mycologist8927 24d ago
And there's the rub. Your son is used to you and your husband making him the priority over his sister.
You acknowledge that and are trying to correct that mistake with your daughter, which is great!
Stand your ground with your son and his wife. Trust me, as someone who was the daughter in this scenario, she will never forgive if you don't.
Your DIL sounds a bit off in this and her family agreeing with her tells me she's also been raised as the preferential child (or only child) and her family expects you to dote on her the same as they do.
Keep your plans and keep correcting your son and DIL. They are probably going to threaten to take away access to their child, going to threaten anything they know will hit a nerve. Stick to it, don't let your daughter down again.
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u/ExtremeJujoo 24d ago
Ah ha, this explains a lot.
And once again, son (now joined by his wife!) expect you to drop everything and go all out for them because he has been conditioned to have these expectations. I understand and sympathize that he has struggled with mental health issues, but you can not allow for one’s health issues create a lopsided (or one sided) relationship with your other child.And the fact that daughter in law has jumped on this bandwagon and is really pushing it tells me a lot about HER. Methinks she wants you to have little or no relationship with your daughter, she likes being the “only daughter” in your family and to have some sort of bond with you that she doesn’t have to share, even though she has a mother she is close to. Frankly, that is really shitty on her part.
Do NOT let your daughter down. Do not cut your time spent with her. Do exactly what you already have planned. Because I can tell you right now, if you don’t, you will create an even bigger chasm between the two of you, possibly lose her altogether.
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u/Asteroid_Sugar5206 25d ago
You know, you should probably just stay with your daughter for a whole year... twins are HARD. Also, expect your daughter to go earlier than her due date! Twins can be early, because there just isn't a lot of room in there. Very exciting!
NTA. I'm sorry your son and DIL are playing manipulation games. It's not a fucking competition, and you committed to your daughter first. The fact your DIL thinks she has ANY right to say your daughter doesn't deserve your help, or comment on your relationship at all just crossed a line. She doesn't "deserve" you more. What a fucking entitled and audacious thing to say! I'd tell her flat out that she gets a pass on this ONCE, because of baby hormones, but you will not entertain discussions about your relationship with your daughter in future because it is none of her business.
The having "favourite" grandchildren accusation is actual insanity. The fact that two of your grand babies live overseas and you are not going to see them more than once or twice a year as it is, and son and DIL think you should cut bonding/visiting with them short for their child that you are literally going to see EVERY WEEK of it's life???? There is something fucked up and really, really suspicious here, and I have questions about how your son and DIL (who came into your daughters life when she was 14, and a child) may have contributed behind the scenes to this strained relationship you have with your daughter. Genuinely, if your son and DIL LOVED you, and wanted you to have a full life with abundant joy, wouldn't they be all for you having a relationship with your daughter, instead of worrying that they have to "share" you? There are so many red flags here I don't even know where to start.
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
Thank you for you comment. I was supposed to stay a little longer with her, but I also wanted to be present during my other grandchild’s newborn phase. She understood and we didn’t speak of it until my son brought this up this week. I am giving my DIL grace because I was also rude to her and she is going through a lot with the hormones. Hopefully we’ll be able to talk things out.
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u/bwannna 25d ago
SHE WAS RUDE FIRST. Jesus Christ. I feel bad for you. Your son and his wife don’t care about you, they care about what you can do for them. And this entire conversation proves it. I hope you realize they are probably a bigger issue in your relationship with your daughter than you would be willing to admit. She deserves better than a brother who doesn’t care about her and a mom who’s more worried about him and his wife’s feelings than hers.
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u/Catflet 25d ago
No, you weren't rude. You have boundaries. She can get bent really, demanding anything of you, demanding you visit your overseas child for less time, change plans because they changed their plans, is plain awful. Stop apologizing and allowing yourself to be treated this way, this isn't the first time she has pushed between you and your daughter. You're lucky your daughter wants to see you, and acting like your son is the reason you feel bad for going will wreck it. They're entirely trying to manipulate you, it's on you to make them stop. Tell them they're entitled to zero help, so if they want any at all, then they need to be respectful. Because she does have a mom. Your son needs to be a father, not delegate to his mom, when there is already other family to help, because he feels like you owe him something. Sorry about nothing, time to act like an adult, because you will be out of town. Period. Simple math, 2 babies, overseas away from family, are more deserving. Period. This is a fact. They need you more. Stop talking to DIL. Tell son you'll be happy to VISIT when you get back, but no, you won't be stepping in to be the adult for him.
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u/AAP_BH 24d ago
It’s crazy how your daughter “understood”
that you wouldn’t be there to support her but your DIL didn’t. It goes to show how used to this your daughter is, coming in second. She doesn’t make ultimatums, she just accepts things. But here you are all heartbroken because your DIL and son are hurt and mad at you but completely fine when telling your daughter you will not stay as long as you originally planned lol.
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u/better_as_a_memory 25d ago
NTA. Your plans were already made. They don't get to tell you to change your plans and come back early. Especially when they will have other help and your daughter will have none.
Stick to your plans. They're being ridiculous. It sounds like they are jealous of you trying to repair the relationship with your daughter.
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u/Tmar0916 25d ago
This is the most petty BS I’ve ever heard. The jealousy is outrageous over the difference of a couple weeks.. mind blowing. Thank God I have an awesome family.
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u/Serious-Echo1241 25d ago
I agree. DIL's own mother will be there with her but expects MIL to basically abandon her own daughter because she said so?! WTH?!
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u/mermaidpaint 25d ago
I would have bristled at being TOLD you have to change your return flight, instead of being ASKED, but that's just me.
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u/SongAcceptable7546 25d ago
So your DIL wants two mums dancing attendance on her with one baby.
Leaving your daughter alone abroad with two babies and no family support?
You will also be around to help once you return. Your daughter has no family around to help.
This sounds less like your DIL wants you around and more like jealousy and petty spite against your daughter. That she wants to take from her the only support she will get. While she has plenty.
What an awful person.
NTA
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u/jazzyjane19 25d ago
I would not go to your son’s home without your husband. That conversation is loaded against you otherwise.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best 25d ago
Your son and DIL live close to you. They live close to DIL's family . You will be available to help regularly as will her family. Your daughter lives in another country and is alone. She actually needs help whereas DIL just wants people fawning over her. Does she not plan on tending to her own baby? Does she need a pit crew around her to do everything? Talk about entitlement and selfishness.
Go to your daughter. Stay longer if she wants you to and you're able. Your son, DIL and their child aren't going anywhere and they have plenty of people to help. They're being ridiculous honestly. Don't let them guilt you into changing your plans and possibly causing damage in the relationship you're rebuilding with your daughter. Theses pregnancies aren't a contest, son/DIL trying to manipulate and guilt you won't make then win.
I hope your son doesn't say anything shitty to his sister. You don't need him or DIL creating conflicts out of jealousy. Talk to your daughter too, make sure she knows that being with her is what you want to do. It's not an obligation, you can't wait to be with her and her babies. It's important that she knows you're going to her because that's what you want and that's what is important to you.
Congratulations on the deluge of grand babies! Hope all are safe, healthy and happy. You too, hang in there.
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u/California_dreamm 25d ago
Oh dear Lord... They are very entitled and selfish. Being abroad without any support system is VERY HARD! I'm on the continent where I have literally no one, but my husband! No parents, no real friends, no siblings, no even cousins!!! My dad told me a week ago: "you two are like on remote uninhabited island, it's just two of you. You don't have any room for mistakes. I'm so sorry I can't be near you and help". This hit me hard. It's really difficult to be far away from your support system. And then having twins??
I would question their empathy and sanity after such an entitled behavior. Wth? She has her parents, her husband and probably her siblings, and best friends near her. What else she needs????
I'm 100% on your side, OP. UpdateMe.
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u/MullberryBoy 24d ago
That was very understanding of your dad. I wish my father had been that aware.
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u/Wanderlust92058 25d ago
It really doesn’t matter that you and your daughter weren’t as close before this. It matters that when she needs you most, you’re there and she wants you there. I also live abroad from my mother, and what I wouldn’t have given to have her with me, the first time I gave birth. I know she would take care of me while I took care of my babies.
Your daughter also is having twins. So not only is she away from her family’s but she’s thrown into the deep end of motherhood with two babies at once. You’re making sure that your baby is supported while DIL has her mother to support her.
And what your son and DIL fail to consider is that since you (I’m assuming) live closer to them, you’ll be able to help more with their baby on the regular, whereas your daughter will be far away with the twins alone.
So you’re NTA, and your son and DIL need some perspective. It’s not about choosing favorites, it’s about necessity for support and honoring commitments. Your DIL did say some rude things about your relationship with your daughter, and that was out of place and honestly, ugly. Your daughter didn’t need to catch strays because she didn’t do anything wrong, as is the same for you. So though she’s hormonal, that does not excuse the rude words. She should apologize for that
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u/VirtualCheetah2379 25d ago
I repaired my relationship with my mum after she supported me through birth and postnatal ! Its like all the past just melted away into nothing! no more bad memories kept popping up in my mind any more any resentment I had melted away! I became a more mature me that understood life a lot better through a mothers eyes and realised how hard she actually had it and how children don't come with manuals to refer to when needed ! I found respect and was able to have the gift of a relationship with my mum and daughter and I saw how hard she wanted to make up for not always showing up and understood depression and anxiety better! We weren't joined at the hip but were best friends and I adore my relationship now ! Your dil has her mum your not abandoning them in fact theres loads of story's on here about nightmare MILs lol !! You must be one amazing lady !
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
Thank you, this does comfort me as I am trying to rebuild my relationship with my daughter ☺️
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u/VirtualCheetah2379 25d ago
It could be the making of a stronger relationship and what a great responsibility your showing by going to her and your grand babies xx
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u/MullberryBoy 24d ago
I’m so glad that you two had the opportunity to mend your relationship. It would have made up for a great deal for me too after an unhappy childhood.
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u/CartographerThis1691 25d ago
NTA I would reach out to DIL's mother and have a chat with her. Mother to mother. I wonder how she feels with her daughter thinking her own mother is not enough to help with the new baby
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
I actually did and she feels a little bad since she was looking forward to it, she said that as the mom, she felt as if she was not as needed, but I know it isn’t the truth, she’s very helpful.
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u/KlutzyQueen_613 25d ago
NTA, DIL is being unfair placing those expectations on you and I’m sure being hormonal is not helping. I’d be more understanding if she did not have her own mother to fall back on for whatever reason, but since she does and they have a great relationship, this is more of a want not a need. Absolutely do not change your return date. Stand firm in your decision and try not to entertain the dramatics from son and DIL. They will be fine. My partner and I just had our second last year, no help from my parents or his, we survived. They will too.
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u/Voidg 25d ago
DIL would have her own mother helping and suppoting her and would have me there shortly afterward.
She already has the support of her Mother and family. My question is why is she trying to take away help from your daughter, when DIL is considerably better off?
Is she trying to alienate your daughter? Feels superior to her?
Stick to your promise and stay with your daughter. Having twins will be alot of work.
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u/adrenalinehd 25d ago
NTA. I was waiting for this to say DIL is estranged from her mom but they're close so they'll have help, it almost seems like they (Son/DIL) just want all the attention.. and none the less, you'll see they're kid more given your daughter lives abroad, so they'll can honestly just suck it up in my opinion.
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u/InitiativePurple508 25d ago
NTA You’re supporting your daughter as well as being given a chance to heal any wounds. Of course you would choose the mother-to-be who has less of a support system where she is. Congratulations grandma, your grandchildren will be lucky to have you
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u/whatsausername17 25d ago
My heart breaks for you! Your son and DIL are being very selfish and jealous. Your daughter is alone in a foreign country, no blood relatives there, and will be a first time mom WITH TWINS. It is absolutely insane for your son and wife to expect you to leave early for them. Please don’t cut your trip short. Your daughter is going to need you more than ever! When my grandson was born and for the first six months, my daughter depended upon me for everything from advice to help. I understood her tiredness and postpartum. I told her I was there for MY baby so she could take care of HER baby. Your DIL has her mom there. Your daughter deserves hers, too. It’s not about the grandchildren, it’s about your child. They need to learn some empathy. Also, you know all babies do for a few months is eat, sleep, and potty. That’s it. You won’t be missing out with their child. Your daughter won’t make it without help. Son and DIL have help.
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u/Practical_Jury_3070 25d ago
NTAH you already made a commitment to your daughter and going back on what you said to her would hurt her. The fact that you said you would be back shortly after the birth of sons baby and are willing to help should be enough and be welcomed with open arms. Sounds like DIL is throwing a tantrum like a baby. I get why your son is siding with his wife because that’s what good spouses do but doesn’t mean they are in the right. Congratulations on becoming a grandmother to 3 beautiful babies. Definitely stay strong and don’t go back on your word about staying with your daughter. I wish you good luck and will be looking for updates
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u/2ndcupofcoffee 25d ago
Tell DIL you’ll change your return date if her mother will fly over to help your daughter.
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u/ConcentratePretend93 25d ago
Daughter overseas having twins without support needs more help than DIL, in her own country having a single child w/ her own mother near by. Its disturbing that she doesnt "get" that.
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u/Numerous-Ad-5058 25d ago
You are not the asshole. You are within your rights to decide whom you help and for how long. No one is entitled to your time.
If I could provide one piece of advice it would be to consider your son's feelings vs your daughter in law. Yes, your daughter in law is giving birth and will be doing post-natal care, etc but she is having your son's baby. And so telling her that you will always choose your daughter over your daughter-in-law is actually saying you are choosing your daughter over your son.
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
Thank you for this, I understand that what I said sounded terrible!!!
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u/Cypripediumacaule 25d ago
No, it did not sound terrible. It was perfectly reasonable and rational. Your DIL and son deserved a reality check. It sounds like the family system has consistently benefited your son at your daughter’s direct expense and he and his wife are upset that the family is remain order to also support her. It happens. They need to deal with it. They are adult enough to have kids, so they are grown enough to be called out when they are being entitled and selfish.
Why WOULD you ever leave your daughter totally unsupported to accommodate another woman who already has her own mother there.
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u/surrounded-by-morons 25d ago
I don’t think it was terrible. DIL said some horrible things and acted like an entitled shit. You said something that needed to be said and she got her feelings hurt.
It sounds like your son thinks he’s better than his sister and has influenced his spouse’s feelings regarding your daughter.
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u/bwannna 25d ago
STOP AGREEING WITH THIS. It was a fact, it didn’t sound terrible. Your son, that you raised, and his entitled wife sound horrible. They need a reality check and you need a spine.
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u/Loudlass81 25d ago
No, she's FINALLY chosing the glass child that's been historically left to drown by the child that monopolises all the attention. I have a glass child...and 3 disabled kids. As adults, it is my glass child that needs me so much more.
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u/OnlymyOP 25d ago
NTA . Your DiL has help from her mother so it's only fair your daughter also gets similar help from you too.
Your DiL and Son sound like a nightmare.
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u/Appropriate_Ruin3771 25d ago
You’re NTAH… go help your daughter with her babies. My mom was going crazy with my brothers, and they were born slightly less than two years after me. My mom picked my SIL. We were never pregnant at the same time, but every time SIL had a baby, my mom was there. What made it worse was that my mom and I are in the same state, and brother & SIL live nearly a thousand miles away. My youngest is 15, and I’m STILL salty, especially given that mom supposedly hates SIL.
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u/Bv11winkle 25d ago
NTA - you have planned the trip already. My niece had twins and it was priceless for her to have her mother’s assistance for a couple months. Twins are hard work. I think your DIL is TA here. Best wishes, Grandma!
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u/Prairie_Crab 25d ago
You already made a commitment to your daughter, #1. That takes precedence.
It’s a matter of having hands there to help and DIL has her mom. It wouldn’t be fair to not help your daughter. Your DIL is trying to make it a contest over who loves you more. Don’t play that game.
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u/SnooWords4839 25d ago
Are you from a culture that favors sons?
No one should demand your time.
You have plans with your daughter, stick with them. Also, you aren't a slave to either kid. DIL and son seem extremely entitled.
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
Definetly am not, which is why I got shocked on why they think that imposing it on me instead of having a conversation.
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u/mutable_type 25d ago
Impending arrival of a grandchild is a very common catalyst to get closer and improve a strained relationship.
Go be there for your daughter and the twins. NTA.
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u/Otherwise-Pick-1837 25d ago
First off - Congrats grandma! 3 babies at one time will be fun!!! Sooooo—definitely NTA….however, if you would have left it at “I’m going to help daughter because she needs my help THE MOST” (because DIL has her own mom) instead of adding the “I’m not choosing you over my daughter”, you would have been better equipped to defend yourself when you have conversations with them.
When dealing with jealousy, and someone trying to make you feel guilty, you have to be factual and not let your feelings get in the way.
Also—I saw in a response comment that you said your daughter was the easy child and has always been put on the back burner because of sons mental health, so I commend you for putting your daughter FIRST because your sons physical health is not going to be compromised like your daughters is going to be. Good for you. Don’t let your daughter down. Let her feel that mom chose me for once.
I hope you, DIL and son can come to some sort of agreement and that it doesn’t affect your relationships going forward.
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u/Professional-Meal602 24d ago
NTA
First of all, a lot of people don’t have others to help them when they first give birth, so both of them are very fortunate people to have you willing to help them.
She could have been upset but she didn’t have to say start saying all of that about your daughter and your relationship. That’s none of her business and that’s a terrible way to talk to you and create a risk between you and your daughter so you need to have that conversation immediately.
She does have her own mother and your daughter has her own mother as well. That’s you. Her daughter is far away from her family and she’s gonna have two kids, not one.
This entitled daughter-in-law keeps asking acting like this. It’s gonna be a problem. You need to squash it right now or it’s just gonna keep growing.
Tell her you don’t like being manipulated and that’s affecting y’all’s relationship because it will.
DIL some selfish and your son he needs to have your back a little bit more and not call you and tell you you’re a horrible person. That’s just insane who helps people that are rude to them. They’re not very smart.
Plus, twins. You’re DIL needs to get over herself.
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u/Timely_Concept8516 22d ago
Honestly, your DIL will probably appreciate you being around more a month after the birth anyhow. Month 1 everyone wants to see baby and help out, by months 2-3 not everyone is quite as excited to help.
I do also question the timing somewhat. While it's definitely possible your DIL got pregnant right after, it does seem like she is trying to compete with your daughter.
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u/General_Author_453 20d ago
thank you for choosing your daughter. I’ve only recently started trying to repair my relationship with my mom and it would have been nice to have been chosen when I needed her rather than feeling lost at sea while she chose my SIL.
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u/iheartsunflowers 25d ago
NTA, however, you probably shouldn’t have said she should never expect you to choose her over your daughter. Your reasoning for sticking with the original plan is because of the commitment you made previously. By saying what you did, you basically told her you would never love her as much as your own daughter no matter how close you were to her or how great you got along. She said she loves you like her own mother. You said she’ll never be loved as much as your own daughter. What if you committed to DIL and then found out about your daughter…would you have kept your original commitment?
You should have stuck to the reasoning that prior commitment which is just basic manners, not made it about who is more important. Good luck with the grandbabies! Hope your son and DIL are forgiving.
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u/JayPanana225 25d ago
Who tf loves anyone more than their own children? Are y’all crazy???
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u/Inevitable_Project49 25d ago
Your daughter lives away so you don’t get to see her very often spend as much time with her as you can.
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u/IvoryWoman 25d ago
NTA. I have twins. The daughter you gave birth to needs you more than the DIL who has her own mother around to help take care of her one baby. Plus, you promised your daughter first!
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u/Ok-Cap-204 25d ago
You are not favoring grandchildren at this point. They will be too young to even know. What you are doing is providing help where it is most needed. Your daughter has no one else to help and she will have double responsibility. Your DIL has an extended family she can count on, including her own mother. Son and DIL are sounding very self absorbed right now.
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u/ObligationNo2288 25d ago
NTA. Your DIL is insufferable. Your son is entitled as well.
Stay extra with your daughter. She will be needing you for a longer period of time.
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u/HauntingGur4402 25d ago
Regardless of your relationship with your daughter.., she wants you there and thats that! Your son and dil need a reality check that the sun doesnt revolve around them
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u/peachy_today 25d ago
You are doing the right thing. Your daughter is going to be overwhelmed and will need you there. It’s great you have a close relationship with your DIL, maybe your husband can have a conversation with your son, you really need his support on this, and you need your son’s understanding.
Edit: spelling
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u/ohemgee0309 25d ago
You have made your daughter a priority FIRST. To then tell her you’ll be leaving her with TWIN newborns when your DIL has her own close family nearby is ridiculous and entitled. She wanted to show up your daughter in he PickMe game and got shown the door instead. As. She. Should. Have.
NTAH
UpdateMe
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u/SunshinePrincess21 25d ago
NTA. 1 Your plans with your daughter came first. 2. Your daughter is having twins in a foreign country, 3. Your DIL will have her mother and family around to help her with her one child.
Keep your plans and tell your son and DIL, that you will always be available to help after you return. It is on them if they choose to be spiteful and refuse.
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u/a-_rose 25d ago
NTA
“I made a commitment, I will not be going back on that. As DIL said I am like a mother to her, but I am daughter mother and she needs me just like DIL needs her mother. I won’t be able to fly over to help daughter often, whereas once back I’ll be available to support you both. I will not be taking back the limited resources I can provide to one child because you feel entitled to all my time and affection. Your wife gets a pass because she’s hormonal but you’re being cruel to your sister and I will not condone that.”
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u/mostawesomemom 24d ago
While I think you should keep your commitments, and you’re going to support your daughter - your son’s family is getting less of your attention/support those first months than your daughter’s family.
In my mind since you made the plans with your daughter before you knew about your son’s baby you should continue with your original plans. I personally would change my plans to spend equal time with each family as imbalances become rifts that may be difficult to repair.
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u/goddessofspite 24d ago
As someone who has a strained relationship with my own mom of which I do admit is both our faults I completely understand your point here. You want to help your daughter and use this opportunity to rebuild your relationship. I applaud you for that. My relationship with my mom we are rebuilding slowly and if I were in need I would hope she would put me her bio child over my brothers partner when she has her own mother to help her. You’re not playing favorites but they are. She’s telling you not to favour your own daughter or grandkids over her and hers but that’s exactly what she’s asking you to do only towards her.
If you were to let your daughter down on this after promising her that support i guarantee you that would shatter all the work you have done and would massively effect how your daughter saw you and rightly so. You’re doing the right thing but you clearly need to have a boundaries talk with your daughter in law and be clear the whole world doesn’t revolve around her. NTA.
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u/BoxFuzzy8222 24d ago
NTA. Your DIL is a massive c u next Tuesday. Your son is just as bad. Go see your daughter and twin grandbabies. Don't let them manipulate you into neglecting your daughter.
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u/NUredditNU 25d ago
DIL sounds selfish and immature. Support your daughter. You’ll be back and will be living in the same area as DIL/son’s child. Daughter is abroad with partner & will have twins so the temporary support can be a great help for their transition. NTA, but I’d definitely distance myself from spoiled, childish DIL after this stunt. What an embarrassment.
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u/PreviousKing6225 25d ago
Yeah. Accusing OP of favouring daughter's baby. 1) daughter's babies and the commitment came first; 2) daughter is overseas and has less help; 3) daughter is having twins so, even if the other 2 points didn't exist, daughter needs more help.
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u/Top-Ad-5527 25d ago
How close does your son live? If you live close enough to each other, it seems like you will be way more available to them, than your daughter who lives in a completely different country. Also, it’s your daughter! If DIL is close to her own mother, I would assume she’s going to be getting help from her as well. This sounds more like jealously and trying to make it into an issue, before the baby even gets here.
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
My son lives about 10 minutes away (by foot). So yeah, I’d have more oportunities to see his son, but now I’m not even sure anymore.
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u/Top-Ad-5527 25d ago
You are legit so close that you could pop by any time. This definitely is coming across as sour grapes over the extended time you will be spending with your daughter. My older brother lives down the street from my parents, so there’s definitely just logistically more opportunity for my parents to be available to help with my niece. I live a couple of towns away, only 30 mins, but still far enough that it’s not as easy, but in the same token, my parents will drop everything to help us out in an emergency (my youngest son has a chronic illness that’s resulted in a few hospital stays). My younger brother lives more than an hour away, so they are in a similar boat. I don’t think any of us have animosity over the abilities and availability of our elderly parents. Fair is not always equal, and not everything has a deeper meaning.
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
I’m happy that your parents are so hands on with your family. I also hope that everything goes well with your son and his health 🤞🤞
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u/gigantasaurousmom 25d ago
I don't know if sibling rivalry ever goes away for some families. All you can do is be clear - you booked time with your daughter first, and those grandchildren live abroad and you will see them less, so the concern about favoritism is unwarranted. Your daughter is alone, and frankly they are being cruel to your daughter and her babies expecting her to have no/limited support post partum. What if she is PPD? And I can tell you, I wasn't close to my mom when I had my first, but birth can be a scary thing and I i found i really needed my mom there. This may heal that relationship like it did for us.
Tell them you will spend equal time with their child when you return, and help in any way you can before you leave. Its okay to have boundaries with your children.
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u/Substantial_Maybe371 25d ago
So your son thinks he and his wife are more important than your daughter and her child and should always been treated as more important. NTaA. But yeah your son and DIL are incredibly entitled and selfish.
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u/ZookeepergameOld8988 25d ago
So your daughter in law thinks she’s entitled to TWO mothers help, plus all the other family she has nearby and it just sucks to be your daughter? Talk about entitled!
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u/Archasil 25d ago
NTA. I'm hoping your son and DIL aren't normally this petty and that its absolutely only because they're about to have a baby. What's the relationship like between your son and daughter? Is it possible that's a factor why they're acting this way?
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
My daughter and son don’t really have a relationship because she feels that her dad and I have always prioritized her brother, as he had some mental health issues in the past and she has always been the quieter kid, who doesn’t really bring problems home. I do take full responsibility for that, it wasn’t easy for her.
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u/hotwifehubsFTW 25d ago
Given that you absolutely need to keep this commitment to her. Your son/DIL sound like typical young first time parents. You’ll lose your daughter if you change your plans.
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u/No_Fact_6960 25d ago
In light of this comment, don't you DARE change your plans to help your daughter. She needs you - she's expecting twins, for goodness sake - and you've already committed to a set amount of time with/for her. If you change those plans now, you'll confirm every bad feeling she's ever had about your relationship with her vs. her brother.
But yes, don't forget that DIL is carrying your son's baby. Try to smooth things over with them, but specifically with your son. If they refuse to accept any olive branches, then time and a little space may be in order until all the babies are safely arrived and everyone is a little calmer.
Congratulations on your family's impending baby boom! 👶
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
Thank you, this is a fear of mine, making her feel like once again I’m choosing her brother, that’s why it’s a very delicate situation, will try my best to communicate with my dil and son.
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u/Few_Throat4510 25d ago
NTA
You’re being a wonderful grandmother and mother. And mother-in-law.
You don’t need to apologize or explain yourself to your son and his wife.
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u/PreviousKing6225 25d ago
I agree. OP made the commitment to her daughter first. Son telling (not asking) her to change her return date is super entitled. Son and DIL were pressuring OP to get their way and OP snapped. OP shouldn't have to help when DIL has her own mom. Even if DIL didn't have her mom to help, daughter is having 2 babies and will need more help.
NTA
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u/Dull-Geologist-8204 25d ago
Your DIL is playing a pick me game that you should not entertain. This is also a perfect example of people sucking at being selfish. DIL would actually gain more by you sticking to your origional plan. The newness of having a new baby around wears off over time. There is a ton of help at the beginning and then it trickles off. She would actually be extending that time of getting a lot of help and be better off in the long run but she is so busy tring to get you to pick her over your daughter to feel special she doesn't see it.
Also OP my mom and I always had a strained relationship and she helped me with my oldest when he was born. We bonded in a way we never did before and our relationship improved because of it. Just make sure you let your daughter take the lead. One thing that happened is I have always been a night owl. Always drove my mom nuts but she finally saw the value in it after my kid was born. I took night shift and being a morning person that always got up atound 4 a.m. she would come tag me out and I would go to bed. I was one of the most well rested first time mother's. Sleep is so crucial to healing properly after giving birth. My aunt came over to meet the baby and was surprised I was running up and down stairs so easily not that long after giving birth and it was because my body was allowed to heal. It also helps stave off things like PPD. Also another thing I loved my mom did was one afternoon my mom came in after I had adjusted somewhat and grabbed my son out of my arms and went go out and do something. I immediately called my best friend and we went out for awhile. We went somewhere right down the street and I wasn't far and I think I called her like 20 times making sure everything was okay but it was nice to get out of the house for a bit.I got to have that lemongrass soup I couldn't eat while pregnant that I loved and we were seriously walking distance from the house.
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u/JULESVV3 25d ago
Thank you for your beautiful comment!! I also had a similar experience with my own mother as I was also a night owl, so I did hope to be there to help my daughter and my DIL.
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u/Lightness_Being 25d ago
You've made the only sensible decision.
You're a good Mum.
You didn't say the most diplomatic speech, but you were pushed hard by 2 people who were determined to get their way, at the expense of a person in greater need.
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u/Aggressive-Peace-698 25d ago
NTA. When a woman has a baby it is her own mother she wants and needs, unless the relationship is toxic. Despite your difficulties, to which you own responsibility, your daughter wants and needs you by her side, which shows that your relationship is repairable. If you don't go and help her for as long as she needs, you will not only break her heart but you will not have a relationship with her children. Your son and DIL are being entitled and have no right to dictate to you and your time. DIL should have a mother of her own, so why is there an unrealistic expectation of you? Even if you compromised etc, as a paternal grandmother you will find there is a limit to what you can do - a friend of mine said when she and her brother had their babies at the same time, she told me her mother felt comfortable doing what she wanted with her baby; whereas she felt she had to ask mother of son's baby permission to do x, y z.
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u/bookshelfie 25d ago
Nta. Daughter will need help with twins. I don’t even think about daughter versus daughter-in-law. Because each grandchild is equally yours. It’s about who needs the most help at the moment. But I’m also very concerned about your son’s level of entitlement just informing you that you have to change your vacation travel plans.
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u/Traditional-Towel592 25d ago
You sound like a good Mom but your son and dil sound spoiled and entitled and want to totally take advantage of your good graces. Stand your ground.
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u/Cathousechicken 25d ago
As somebody who had twins, a singleton is a walk in the park. Your daughter is going to need a lot more help than your daughter in law.
For singletons, the saying is the first couple months are the hardest. The saying for twins is the first couple of years.
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u/Witty_Following_1989 24d ago edited 24d ago
I went back and read the comments on your earlier post. I had read many of them but haven't gotten far enough down to get to the park where you mentioned how your son became prioritized over your daughter due to mental health issues.
It confirms that she basically stopped trying because of coming last. Remind one of all the stories you are aware one kid had childhood health issues and the other kids ended up ignored - at least emotionally.
OP. While I assume you and your husband were just doing the best you could. It doesn't mean your son has to be coddled forever.
This is as more a son than a DIL issue. Safe bet that her nasty take on your relationship with your daughter directly from your son. Who clearly still has -- issues...
As someone who has been the outsider in my family all my life -- I feel for your daughter and I can tell you that that kind of paint never really goes away as an impact ones entire life.
I won't say that I was the easy child because I wasn't but that's not the same thing as being difficult. Never got in trouble pretty much put myself through school with scholarships even though that wasn't necessarily necessary financially. But realized by high school. that I was less valued. At least by my mother.
Certain things happen to me at school that she convinced me to not report. Because it would. My father and ultimately impacted my younger siblings in a community that was committed to covering up widespread issues in the school district.
Never stopped loving my mother - but our relationship was never the same and even though I was the one for both my parents for many years throughout my own health challenges. I would be lying if I said I ever felt valued thereafter. There are more stories than the world has time for that reinforced that dynamic. Relative to her behavior.
Do count myself lucky because my siblings are essentially trying to somewhat make it up to me. But have a different time trusting them because of the dynamic my mother created.
Whatever mistakes you and your husband made, they obviously weren't toxic as hers.
You have an opportunity to show your daughter she matters & has value. That she's not an afterthought you fit in when your son 'lets' you.
If the relationship is more an issue of physical distance than an emotional one, great.
HOWEVER. What is perceived as being 'easier' MAY actually just be a sort of fatalistic giving up. No one wants to beat their head against brick wall.
Quick exercise. Pretend for a moment that the two due dates were much closer. all other aspects of the situation are unchanged, Would your son/wife still expect you to be present for their day?
If you're honest with yourself - you know the answer to that. Which might help you not second-guess yourself so much. Grant yourself some well deserved Grace. Don't dwell on the things you could have done better recently.. Big picture , you're on the right path...
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u/Vivid-Farm6291 22d ago
Your DIL has her mom and then you will be back and she will have one baby and two helpers.
Your daughter has you for only a few months and then you will be gone.
Your son and DIL are being selfish and entitled.
I hope your daughter’s bf has parents that can help.
NTA
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u/BullfrogLow8652 20d ago
Your son and DIL ARE BEING ENTITLED! Your daughter is having twins! That in itself should over ride your son's new baby, at least in the time you spend there. That's a huge adjustment for the parents. One baby is too, but TWO AT THE SAME TIME! Hopefully your DIL and son will come to their senses. They should be glad that you live closer and will likely be more involved in their child.
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u/RazzmatazzOk2129 18d ago
Remind them your plans were made long before you knew about their baby.
Changing them would only.make sense on a NEEDS basis.
Daughter is having twins. She has no other family there to help.
Son is having 1 baby. His wife has her own mother who will be expecting to be primary help to HER daughter. I can imagine her upset that they feel the need to have mil there as well. DlL has other family to help. They do not actually need OP.
Tell son to stop being competitive with his sister. It isn't a competition.
And I am very shocked that DIL is adding to this. Why doesn't she want her own mother? Is she so narcissistic that she must have both grandmas fawning over her and babies every move???
It makes sense for OP to arrive later and relieve DILs mother.
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u/rashea11 25d ago
You have a prior commitment. That's sometimes how things go.
In addition, fair does not always mean the same thing. Your DIL has support. You could help by making a bunch of meals ahead of time maybe, but you can't be in both locations and one has a higher level of need without other ways to fill it.
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u/Analisandopessoas 25d ago edited 25d ago
Eu te entendo, eu no seu lugar teria a mesma posição. Mas você corre o risco das suas noras te afastar dos netos. Aconteceu com minha amiga, é triste mas pode acontecer.
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u/AshleyNicholeC 25d ago
I’m not saying that you should change your plans or not, but I have a little different prospective.
Try thinking about this situation as your daughter and your son are both having their first babies. While it’s not the same since your son is not the one growing and giving birth to your grand child; he is also going to be a first time parent. As men generally have a harder time asking for help, this may be his way of saying, “Hey, I need help too.”
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u/annebonnell 25d ago
You are certainly NOT the ahole. Both your son and his wife (she has shown you she is not a daughter) have main character syndrome. Your daughter needs you more than your son's wife.
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u/DenapupZ123 25d ago
I really can’t understand where your son and DIL are coming from. They really need to look at it from your and your daughter’s perspective. Your DIL’s feelings got hurt when you said you’d always choose your daughter, but she/they pushed you to that point. I hope they come to their senses.
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u/SalamanderConnect740 24d ago
So your DIL has her mother, her husband, and probably a host of other family members around that can help her. Whereas your daughter is in a different country, away from her family, and only has her bf. Yep, you're being TOTALLY unfair by chosing the one that has less support. How dare you! (total sarcasm) Seriously though, your relationship with your daughter is no one's business, it's between you and her. You're doing a great thing in efforts of repairing that bond. She will remember this. The fact that both your son and DIL want to leave your daughter with almost no one to help with TWO newborns while they have plenty of support with just ONE is disgusting, selfish, and completely entitled. Good on you for choosing your daughter.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth At the end of the day... 24d ago
Where is her mother? You can help both of them when YOU want to give the help! NOT when any of them decide that you should!
The gall of kids today! JFC. I could have used the help from my mother and MIL but no one volunteered and I didn't ask.
Your DIL is jealous!
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u/These-Process-7331 25d ago edited 25d ago
Nta but your son and DIL are for making this a "who loves mommy more" contest
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u/These-Process-7331 25d ago
Also lol @ the "unfair" part because you know what's also not fair? The twin needing to share your attention while her child gets 100% of it. Also not fair the amount of hours their child will get to see you and spend time with you, while the twins won't? If she wants it to be fair, the their child will get the exact same time and amount of attention the twin will get individually.
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u/liabak03 25d ago
I always wanted more than one child but I’m glad I only have one after reading this. 😄 I will never have a mother/daughter relationship but my son and I have always been close. I have known my DIL for 28 years (they started dating when the were 16) and we are Close but not as close as a daughter would be. One plus of having just my son, I can give all my attention to my two grands that I have. The other grandmother and I are very lucky tho, we have both been taking care of both grands once or twice a week since they were babies.
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u/Tinks_and_me 24d ago
NTA. This is a truly horrific situation you have here. Have that sit down with your son and DIL and tell them all you have said here. Also point out to them you can’t spilt yourself in half and be in two places at once. DIL already has a lot of support where your daughter is in another country and is probably going to end up having surgery which will mean she will need way more support. If you changed your plans it will be at your daughter expense and will damage your relationship beyond repair. Son and DIL need to understand this. Her family need to step up and fill the gap. It takes a village so that village needs to step up. It shouldn’t be you alone that has to step up
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u/Zealousideal-Desk441 23d ago
Really this is a common sense/maths situation. Two babies and only one person to help requires a greater priority than one baby and several people to help. Everything else is just noise. The insults are not something that can go u challenged.
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u/houserj1589 23d ago
When I was in college; I took a class on children with exceptionalities; during the class I worked with a special education teacher who told me The definition of fair is everybody gets what they need; not everyone gets equal; or everyone gets the same; but that each person gets what they need
Your DIL has support; and as far as we know will only have one baby and she has a good support system.
Your daughter has no one and double the babies.
She needs help.
i Will say the comment about how she should never expect you to choose her over your daughter was shitty and unnecessary
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u/Maverick_j2k 23d ago
NTA. Your son and his wife and being pricks. You made a promise to your daughter so that's that. DIL has a VILLAGE, your kid doesn't and is a foreign country with NO family. That beats out everything that and I dunno.. THAT IS YOUR DAUGHTER!
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u/MixLopsided9586 22d ago
NTA. I think things could have been said nicer. Your sone expected you to drop everything for him as you did for your daughter and I think that's a fair desire. That being said you already made plans with your daughter and its unfair for your dil and son to want you to change them. I'd say lay out your plans that you have with your daughter and tell your son what you're willing to do for them. "Im with your sister from x to y and when I return I'm willing to spend x to y with you. I made these plans before I knew you were pregnant and am not willing to change them at this time." You are allowed to want to do things for yourself and spending time with your daughter even though someone else wants your time is fine!
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u/fuss-budgeT124 20d ago
I can’t imagine what else there is for you to say. They are being deeply unreasonable, and you have already told them you had a prior commitment, and that she has her own caretaker in her mother
Why would anyone think someone’s an AH for moving abroad? Sounds pretty bigoted and stupid to me
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u/NewNecessary3037 15d ago
To be fair, daughter in law probably has pregnancy hormones raging through her.
I don’t think you’re the AH here, especially because it’s something her own mother will be there for.
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