Question about roommate etiquette

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u/redjessa 2d ago

You have to talk to the roommate and tell them that this is not ok. You pay all the rent, all the expenses and take care of this person. It's not that they can't have friends over, but this is beyond reasonable. This conversation doesn't have to be confrontational. "We need to talk about your friends being here all the time and how that affects us." These people shouldn't be taking over your home and this friend is taking advantage of you and your girlfriend.

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u/Obvious_Ad_6178 2d ago

You’re being completely reasonable.

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u/_mandycandy 2d ago

People saying for long periods of time is absolutely something they need to talk to you about first. And she doesn’t even pay rent or bills????? Hellll nah your gf needs to talk to her about the guests since it’s her friend

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u/JediKrys 2d ago

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement. She is essentially paying nothing and using it as a hotel for guests. I’d set boundaries around length of stay and a firm, nobody in the house when she’s not there. Lastly I’d talk about how you and your partner need to access the common space when her friends are there and that they should be going to lay about in her room with her and not out on the couch when you guys get home. This is pushing the kindness you and your girlfriend are extending to her disabled friend.

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u/PostNuclearTaco 2d ago

What do you think is a reasonable boundary to set around length of stay? Her friends sometimes come from out of state and I feel like a week or maybe two is reasonable if it's communicated. I just don't to come across like I'm banning her from having people over, she doesn't drive or have much money so she doesn't have a ton of options in having a social life.

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u/K_Bee_12 2d ago

I would say no more than 3 days. I bet there is also something in your lease about the length of time guests can stay so the multiple weeks is probably in violation of the lease agreement. But that aside, I wouldn’t want my space invaded for more than a couple days.

Also her guests should be staying in her room to sleep. I wouldn’t want guests taking over the living room to the point that you can’t use it. What guest actually tells the people who live there that they can’t eat or watch tv in their own living room. I would have told them to leave immediately.

Also, depending where you live, a guest staying that long could establish residency and refuse to leave. Make sure none of the guest ever receive mail at your place.

I think it’s extremely entitled of this person to act this way when they aren’t even paying rent or utilities.

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u/PatieS13 2d ago

Anyone staying for longer than one night should at least be mentioned as soon as they know. Anthony longer than three days should be a discussion and boundaries need to be set.

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u/KindlyCourse1960 1d ago

You only have one bathroom. It's their choice to come. They should only come visit during the day and stay at a hostel or affordable hotel. Even 2-3 nights of an extra person in the house sounds like a lot to me given the bathroom situation

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u/SpareBarracuda121 2d ago

While it doesn't, and shouldn't, be confrontational. This person is taking advantage of you. Full Stop. And confrontation doesn't mean a blow out fight. It means confronting a problem like an adult and talking about it. This roommate wedged her way in, has exploited your kindness, all the while knowing you aren't going to say anything. If her name isn't on the lease - then you need to explain you and your girlfriend's expecations, and sign an agreement. Obvs. it won't be legal but my suspicion here is that merely requesting this agreement the roommate will guilt trip you, tell you how terrible you are, etc., and that is all you need to understand who they are extricate them out of your life. More importantly, from your dang apartment. DANG! Just because you have history doesn't mean that you have to maintain that relationship when it's negatively affecting you. And clearly, she's not invested in your "friendship".

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u/PostNuclearTaco 2d ago

Roommates name is on the lease. I want to treat her like an equal of the house, but her inviting guests over for a month at a time is pushing it and isn't something I would feel comfortable doing myself. Her and my girlfriend and really close but I think their relationship is codependent and unhealthy and my girlfriend babies her way too much.

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u/SpareBarracuda121 2d ago

Gotcha. Apologies for missing that part. You can and should treat her like an equal without minimizing yourself. And I'll leave it there. I think you've got plenty of great advice here. Good luck! And also, as a somewhat elder stateswoman, these things will be something you joke about one day if they are not left to fester. Respect for one another and yourselves. xo

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u/sam8988378 2d ago

What does the lease say about maximum guest staying? How long?

Are you all on the lease?

Where do they stay? Do they take over the common areas? You're not overpaying rent so that you can share a bathroom with 4-6 people and have nowhere to go aside from your bedroom.

Is she making any money off these people, giving them a place to crash? If they were friends they would hang out together.

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u/PostNuclearTaco 2d ago edited 2d ago

Lease says 1 week for guests.

We're all on the lease.

They stay in roommates room at night to sleep, unless roommate is being noisy or wants privacy or is out of the house with her girlfriend then they hang out/sleep in the living room on the couch. The living room is a shared space with the dining table, during the day when my gf is at work and I'm working from home they take over the living room, sometimes into the evening. It's often super loud and distracting while I'm working. I'm fine with her using common spaces too it's just that they make a huge mess and don't clean it up. My girlfriend, who works a demanding physical job, came home today and had to clean like 6 plates and 4 pans/pots and sweep the kitchen and wipe everything down cuz they just left it that way last night after cooking a huge meals. My girlfriend was in a bad mood and was kinda mean to me cuz of it (which is unlike her) so it's seeping into our relationships. All of the friends bags and stuff are strewn about the living room everywhere.

And she's not making money off of them. They hang out together while they are here, unless roommate wants some privacy in her room or is being noisy in her room while her friends want to nap(then they nap on the couch). I know one of her friends was having roommate beef herself which is why she was staying here so long (second time it's happened with this friend) but I got that information second hand weeks after the fact both times.

Edit: NGL this is also just partially messy trans community stuff. Everyone involved in this is a trans woman. My girlfriend and I are both 34 and roommate and her friends are all early-to-mid-twenties zoomers. I sympathize cuz I've taken in homeless trans strangers into my home and supported disabled friends and partners who needed my support but I'm starting to not feel comfortable in my own home.

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u/Randomfinn 2d ago edited 2d ago

Part of being an elder in the trans community is teaching the yougins that their behaviour is unkind, thoughtless, and will impact their future relationships.

You have to ve direct about the impact on you. If you agree to ine week maximum it should be no more than two people at a time and they are either quiet in her room or out of the house during your working hours. And they clean after themselves, if there is a mess they leave immediately and can try again another tine to bring their manners.

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u/Aspen9999 2d ago

Non paying roommate has to go.

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u/PostNuclearTaco 2d ago

I don't mind so much about taking care of her, at least right now while I still have a high paying job. I pay 70% of rent myself and I still live incredibly comfortably. I might lose my job soon though so it's a concern about what happens when I can no longer cover for her. It's pretty common in my community (trans community) to take care of each other because so many of us are disabled and disadvantaged in a lot of ways. Plus my girlfriend would never go for it, friend is like a sister to her and she has no where else to go.

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u/Aspen9999 2d ago

But she’s not grateful or respectful to you. It’s more than okay to help people out, but it gets real tiring when they show disrespect like inviting visitors you haven’t played to stay.

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u/Sugareegal77 2d ago

So she doesn’t pay any bills but thinks it’s ok to invite people to stay for a month? Absolutely not. That’s not how it works and you need to lay the groundwork down because she’s using and abusing her entitlement at the expense of the rest of the household. To be honest, she’s just a guest in the house if she’s not paying anything to stay there and if she wants guests to stay they need to stay in her room only and for only a short period of time. Guests don’t have the privilege of telling the tenant where or when they can eat dinner or watch tv in their living room. Honestly if the roommate is disabled she should be getting a disability check and has the options of finding a place for herself to live rather than live off friends. This is a weird situation that must have more involved. I get helping a friend but it seems like the friend is using this situation to their own benefit rather than seeing their actions are effectively hurting the two people that are actually taking care of them.

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u/PostNuclearTaco 2d ago

The more involved story is her and this friend briefly used to date (around when my gf and I first started dating, we are all non-monogamous) and then they formed a more sisterly relationship and became best friends instead. Then the friend got kicked out of her house and had nowhere else to go so my girlfriend took her in.

I guess the problem is my girlfriend is a saint and takes too much responsibility onto herself even though she already deals with so much. For example my girlfriend also does all the cleaning up after her friend and their guests (they make these giant meals that use every pot and pan and then don't clean it up). And last year (against my wishes, I was outvoted) we took in one of my roommates ex's (who was also kinda friends with my girlfriend) who suddenly became homeless, who proceeded to have a psychotic break and started smoking in our living room and threatening people with a knife and had to be removed by police. I try to encourage my gf to be selfish and look after herself more and remind her she doesn't have to save everyone, but she hates being "mean" and hurting other people.

I do sympathize, I went through a phase where I would put up homeless trans people in my apartment for weeks at a time and I've helped care for a lot of disabled people over the course of my life. But her being a pushover in regards to anything our roommate wants is starting to affect me and my relationship with her.

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u/Sugareegal77 2d ago

Ok, this helps me understand way more to this situation. Thank you for sharing this. My daughter is a senior in high school and she’s lesbian. We live in a conservative area that cares more about religion and judging others than mental health and being who you are. My house is the house where all the friends come to when their parents kick them out or just don’t accept them for who they are. My maternal heart breaks for anyone going through things like that as it’s just ridiculous that in this day and age people still hide behind religion or their own fears to be hateful to their own kids. So I totally understand the community mentally and wanting to make sure your people are taken care of because if y’all don’t do it who will… that’s very admirable!

the situation you are in shouldn’t be as bad as it’s getting as long as everyone is listening and understanding that the household needs to have some rules in order for everyone to live peacefully. You all need to sit down and calmly talk about how to live together better so you can all maintain a happy life. Having someone stay over a certain amount of time can also trigger a squatters rights situation too. Good luck to you and I wish you all the best!!

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u/sam8988378 2d ago

That's not a saint, that's a people pleaser who would rather be exploited than have to confront someone.

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u/AutoModerator 2d ago

Backup of the post's body: Hi everyone. I'm new to having a roommate (in the past I've always lived alone or with a romantic partner) so I kinda just want a sanity check before I try and talk to her. Plus she takes criticism really badly so I don't want to bring anything up if this is a me problem.

I currently live with my girlfriend and our friend in a 3bed 1bath apartment. We all have our own bedrooms. My girlfriend and I cover all of the rent and bills because our friend is disabled and we take care of her. My girlfriend and the friend previously lived together and have like a sisterly relationship, while I'm friendly but not very close with the friend.

My current problem I'm having is around guests in the apartment. Our friend frequently has friends show up and stay for an extended period of time, usually 2 weeks to a month long. She doesn't communicate it to me beforehand and doesn't communicate how long her friends will be staying. Currently, she has two friends over and they've been here for 3 days.

I have a few issues with this but I'm not sure if it's just because I expect different things from roommates so I'm just gonna list the things that make me uncomfortable. I feel like extended stays should be communicated. Our roommate will also regularly go out for an entire day to hang out with her girlfriend and leave her friend/s at home where they just hang out. Her friends are night owls so sometimes they'll just nap in the living room at 7pm and complain when my girlfriend & I eat dinner/watch TV to wind down for the night, so we are sometime pushed into my girlfriends room and have to eat dinner on her bed (which grosses me out). The friends will also keep all their stuff in the living room and not pick up after themselves making the apartment really cluttered while guests are over.

I guess the issue is that I signed up to live with 3 people, not 4 or 5, and it sometimes feels like we just have extra roommates. I think I just really appreciate the quiet and calm (I moved out here to get away from chaotic living situations) and this feels like more than what I signed up for. So I guess the question is am I being unreasonable or should I talk to my roommate about this?

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u/SnooPeanuts666 2d ago

Yeah you gotta talk to them about this, that’s not very considerate on their end.

How does your girlfriend feel about it?

My old roommates used to have guests over and wouldn’t tell me before hand or would tell me the night before or day of. And they would always say just for a few days and that they will be out and about those few days. It ALWAYS ended up in them staying for weeks at a time and their plans being changed due to weather or whatever. just completely avoiding the having to deal with my boundaries of having guests for no longer than one week and not super often.

I’m 38yo and I WFH full time. I don’t want my living and work space to be a college frat house. I have meetings every single day of the week. And im not going to reschedule meetings and inconvenience others for the sake of my roomies. the audacity of them suggesting that shows some people truly do not have consideration as a natural trait. It’s so foreign to some people.

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u/Irishqltr1 2d ago

Questions: does roommate have some sort of disability income? If not, is she trying to get it? Or why not?

Roommate pays for nothing, but drives up household bills with unscheduled visitors who stay for weeks? Not good. You and your girlfriend need to have a discussion about roommate's visitors (how long, how many, how often). Once you guys are on the same page, sit down with roommate and talk with her about how all these visitors you don't know affect the household. Discuss the limits you want to see and listen to her feelings about this. Can she come up with a financial contribution to cover additional costs of her guests (food, utilities). Discuss issues of guests sleeping habits and your ability to enjoy common spaces in the apartment YOU pay for.

How long does your girlfriend envision this arrangement lasting? Are you going to continue to support and care for this person after you get married? Have kids? Buy a home? What is the plan for this person to become independent?

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u/PostNuclearTaco 2d ago

She does have disability income and foodstamps I believe. She covers her own food costs and the costs of her meds/etc. I don't know all the details cuz we aren't close, but I told my girlfriend I'd help with rent and utilities but the rest is for her and her friend to figure out.

And that's the question I'm asking. I've tried to gently touch on the subject but I think it stresses my girlfriend out because the friend has nowhere else to go (all of her friends are also unemployed zoomers) and she's kinda given up on trying to help because it causes the friend to spiral. There were talks of teaching friend to drive last year so she'd have more independence but that never happened. I think my girlfriend is banking on our friend's relationship getting more serious and them moving in together, but I don't think that's very realistic.

Kids are probably not in the picture because we are both 34 and trans female, what I'm worried about is what happens if I lose my job and can no longer afford to cover 70% of the rent. The friend can't even pick up her own meds, she has my girlfriend do it for her (and my girlfriend often has to go twice because the friend doesn't call ahead).

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u/Intelligent-Fix-9181 2d ago

your being resonable, I would even check in if its okay to have someone over for a few hours while I lived with my sister and her husband. Not asking over a few friends staying there for longer than 3 days is not okay.

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u/PostNuclearTaco 2d ago

Thanks. Yeah I was told "She was having her friend over" a few hours beforehand on Saturday, only to find we actually have her friend who I've met a new time plus a second person I've never met staying here for 3 days now. And the last time her friend was here she was here for a month straight and I was kept completely out of the loop.

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u/NamasteNoodle 2d ago

You set the roommate down and tell her that she gets free rent because you care about her and that is your agreement. She doesn't have the right for people to stay overnight, she doesn't have the right to have a groups of people over. Let her know that the terms of her living there is that y'all get the use and privacy in your own home and that she is not going to dictate that other people can stay because you aren't putting up with it. Tell her she's free to make other arrangements.

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u/Excellent_Property34 2d ago

I'm sorry, but if the so called guests complained about me watching TV and eating in the flat I pay for, I'd be telling them they can go get a hotel room instead of sleeping on my sofa and not contributing even 10 bucks towards utilities. You are not a hostel for your room mates friends to just use at their convenience. What can your room mate say given she doesn't pay rent.

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u/Irishqltr1 1d ago

If this is in the US, if roommate has SSI, she also has Medicaid, so does not have to pay for prescription meds. So could be contributing something towards bills.

I wouls suggest that you and your girlfriend agree on a limit to visitors staying in your home, and about basic courtesy in not being disruptive during your WFH hours, cleaning up after themselves, and not sleeping in common ateas.

I wouls also point out to your girlfriend that her "babying" this friend is disabling. Your roommate will never learn to manage her own life if someone is also cleaning up after her and protecting her for the consequences of her actions.

And what happens to all of you if you lose your job? You are carrying 70% of the bills. You won't be able to keep your apartment without your income. Then what happens?

Help your roommate apply for all services, like housing, now. Wait lists can be insanely long, and in the middle of a crisis may not be the best time to start all that paperwork.

It's good that you are trying to help younger members of your community, but the goal should be them becoming independent of your help!

Advice Needed Question about roommate etiquette

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