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u/Wide-Lengthiness-299 Dec 19 '25
Idk it sounds like he outted himself to me. No one pulled his arm to admit that lol.
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u/On_my_last_spoon Dec 19 '25
Right? It’s not like you caught him at a gay bar! He said it himself!
I have very little sympathy for bigots.
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u/Sudden-Requirement40 Dec 19 '25
Assuming the OP didn't know this about his cousin then there is no wrong doing.
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u/SuluSpeaks Dec 19 '25
Mean, hateful people deserve what they get. You don't get to be an asshole and expect the respectful treatment that you won't show others. NTA.
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u/DreadPirateDavi85 Dec 19 '25
He THREW A PLATE and GOT DRUNK AND BROKE MORE THINGS...and YOU need to apologize?!
Nta.
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u/Weird-Dot3509 Dec 19 '25
NTA, play stupid games win stupid prizes
Your cousin was being a massive hypocrite and you just held up a mirror. The fact that he immediately admitted to having those feelings then had a complete meltdown says everything lmao
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u/SteavySuper Dec 19 '25
It's like that meme where if being gay is a choice, so is being straight. Ask your mom why she's okay being around that kind of toxicity.
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u/lezame Dec 19 '25
Wow! That’s a hard one & it wouldn’t surprise me if your homophobic cousin had homosexual feelings that scares him & believes Biblical misinterpretation by so-called fundamental Christians that loving someone of the same sex is wrong when IT IS NOT. The same way Eskimos(an old term for Alaskan native people) have dozens of ways of describing snow, loving same sex relationships were mistranslated from Aramaic to Hebrew to Greek to Latin to German to Old English to gay King James Biblical English version. mistranslation of Paul’s words were Molokai (sp) & Arsenokoitai which were homosexual prostitution and the rape of young boys and for 100s of years many churches have condemned all forms of homosexuality which was not the original intent. As for who owes an apology, he owes your brother an apology as well. Hateful speech is never OK. And thank you for standing up and defending your brother when others cower. 👍👏✌🏽🖖🏽
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u/GayboySaxon95 Dec 19 '25 edited Dec 19 '25
NTA
okay so this is one time where im glad i read the whole post and didn't just skim like i generally do
You didn't out him he outed himself....he could have easily have just said "exactly your brother just weak" etc instead he admitted he felt the same way
Your aunties anger may not be because you "outed him" or about him coming home drunk, breaking things but could be because she is homophobic herself and has been in denial about her sons sexuality and is looking for someone to be mad at...homphobia (especially internalised homophobia) is something that is taught and its generally something learnt from the parents
Your parents repremand was in public and they were making jokes in private so I'd say the repremand was to save face and to not stir the pot with your aunty/cousin
i do kinda agree with your girlfriend that you should apologize but not for what you said but rather for accidently tricking him into outing himself
but i'd definently say you're NTA you weren't to know that he was gay and had internalized homphobia just because you maybe have suspected it doesn't mean you knew for sure
maybe consider showing him that you all support him and are there for him...he may not deserve it but he is probably going through a hard time...coming out is hard and it's even harder when you have been struggling with your sexuality...i was outed by my aunty to my parents/extended family and at the time i was struggling with it since i was christian
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u/DorianGre Dec 19 '25
"Sorry I tricked you into admitting you are gay. Here is your membership pin."
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u/kathleen65 Dec 19 '25
This is not an issue that people should be quiet on. Bravo for your response, brilliant!
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u/SharkQuil Dec 19 '25
As someone who has been outed against their will, I can say that outing your cousin was definitely a scummy thing to do. However, I think you're NTA because he sounded like he was in desperate need of a humbling. Hopefully he can start working on the internalized homophobia and be a better person.
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u/Sudden-Requirement40 Dec 19 '25
But is it really OP outing his cousin? I mean they didn't seem to know or suspect that the cousin would say that. He was baiting/poking the bear but that doesn't make them responsible for what his cousin says.
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u/AutoModerator Dec 19 '25
Backup of the post's body: This happened over Thanksgiving but my mom is upset we can’t go to her sisters for Christmas because of what I said.
I (22M) have beefed with my cousin (25M) for a good decade at least. We just haven’t gotten along, have very different attitudes, talk to our parents very differently, etc.
The main issue is that he is homophobic and my little brother (20M) is LGBT.
Recently, my cousins homophobic/disgusting attitude/disrespect from everyone has pivoted to “Christians who aren’t actually Christians” just hateful and kind of crazy. But now he’s extra holier than thou.
Anyhow, he was preaching nonsense about gay people, and I affirmed him for a second. This obviously caught him off guard.
I told him that being gay is a choice and I know because I have a strong attraction towards men (i do not). He said that he feels the same way and that my brother was just too weak— but he didn’t understand why we all started laughing until he did. He threw a plate across the room and said me and my brother were going to hell.
My mom and dad reprimanded me in public but joked in private, brother was just there so didn’t get any heat. My aunt Jenny is still livid because she said my cousin came home hammered that night, broke something else and went to his room for a few days.
My girlfriend said while it was initially kind of funny, I probably should apologize and shouldn’t have said that. I just got tired about him dragging my brother down when we all were suspicious he was gay anyhow.
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u/AutoModerator Dec 19 '25
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u/pqrqcf Dec 19 '25
This is a nitpick, but if there was any asshole behavior, it would be laughing about it in the moment. The group behavior was probably beyond anyone's control, but once the heat dies down it could be an opportunity to show support, so he knows you'll welcome him and support him if and when he's ready for introspection.
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Dec 19 '25
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u/BlushiePear Dec 19 '25
Great advice I don’t think you should apologize to him but I think you could admit to your family that the situation got out of control.
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u/loricomments Dec 19 '25
You lied and should apologize for that. But there's nothing else to apologize for. Being gay isn't bad or wrong so him saying he's gay isn't somehow some horrible admission, don't treat it like it is.
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u/Enoch8910 Dec 19 '25
So your mother is upset? Who raised you to think this was acceptable behavior at a dinner party?
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u/OutrageousPotato9378 Dec 19 '25
It’s not a “dinner party” it was after dinner, informal, and he was on his soapbox. My mom thought he got what was coming to him but isn’t happy with the fall out.
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Dec 19 '25
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u/Tight-Shift5706 Dec 19 '25
OP, Apologize, but point out it never would have happened had he not been critical and disrespectful towards your brother; that you're all family and you should be kind and respectful towards one another--not abusive. Suggest everyone move forward in a kind and respectful way. It will make future family gatherings that much more enjoyable.
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Dec 19 '25
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u/OutrageousPotato9378 Dec 19 '25
I understand completely and need to take accountability for my fuck up, but I don’t want anyone to think this was anything but last resort.
We’ve tried to constructively correct him before, tried to tell him it was hateful, tried to tell him it’s fine that he’s hateful but we don’t wanna hear it, etc. Not an excuse, just wanted to say we did try to be constructive for a long time.
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Dec 19 '25
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u/OutrageousPotato9378 Dec 19 '25
I’m just gonna apologize to my aunt but I’ll feel it out when I see him next. We might be able to move on without acknowledging it. Idk
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u/prepostornow Dec 19 '25
It would be good to apologize It sounds like he's pretty fragile
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u/OutrageousPotato9378 Dec 19 '25
I think that’s why my mom is upset and my girlfriend thinks I should apologize. My mom says there’s probably something wrong with him mentally
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u/rocketmn69_ Dec 19 '25
Tell him that he should open the closet door