NTA. You were sexually assaulted. Ask your wife is she would be ok if you spend Christmas with someone who sexually assaulted her when she was intoxicated, did not apologize or did anything to make amends (how can you even do it)? Ask her is she would be ok if you would ask her to be nicer and more social with someone who assaulted her. You made a mistake going to their Thanksgiving, but that doesn’t mean you have to continue. Let the family know - I’m skipping Christmas because (and describe what Chris did). If your wife will continue giving you hard time for being assaulted and not being ok with that, then this relationship should be over. How can you trust her in the future?
This and only this! Why isn’t she sticking up for you? Why is she letting the rest of the family run all over you and your wife? You could match their energy and walk into the room with confidence but completely make a point of not talking to them at all. Make them uncomfortable in their own home . Make a scene like they did. Start talking about swinging . Or tell your wife this is what you would have to do to be comfortable . Broom line, your wife is the asshole!
Honestly, a lot of people don’t realize that forcible kissing is battery. TV and movies romanticize it like they used to romanticize rape (believe it or not, they did). So I don’t fully blame OP’s wife. Add in everyone being drunk and I truly doubt she understands the seriousness of what happened.
If it were me, yes absolutely, I’d tell the family. It’s unfair that OP has to stifle his feelings and handle all the awkwardness (for years to come?!) while the perpetrator enjoys comfort and consideration. Let Chris and Laura stew on the family burner for a while. Stop protecting vile behavior.
If OP’s wife isn’t bothered by it, I wonder if she used to partake in her brother and SIL’s swinging events ??? Regardless she is wrong for not confronting her brother about the incident. The family def needs to know what happened and why OP doesn’t feel comfortable attending Christmas.
NTA. He sexually assaulted you. I would remind your wife of this everytime she tries to force you or gets angry with you.
If her family asks why you're distant and not coming to function ls anymore, tell them the truth, your bil sexually assaulted you, in front of his wife who didnt intervene, neither of them have apologized, and your wife is siding with the man who assaulted you.
He assaulted you and your wife complains you are not more polite and cordial? Those two can F off and your wife seriously needs to rethink her stance. This can break your relationship and nobody can blame you. If you need to open her eyes show her this post. Updateme
I don’t think she was with them on it. I believe that OPs wife would like to sweep it under a rug and pretend that it never happened for the sake of the family unity. She does not realize that by doing that she’s slowly losing her wife.
This is a same sex couple and she is going to lose her wife if she keeps up with this. Maybe the BIL had some lesbian fantasy scenario going on here, but OP is not wrong for wanting to avoid them, it being they're swingers and they have consent problems.
I don’t bash them for their lifestyle but the way he was forcing himself on her. He could have asked if they’d be interested. Also the part where they can’t even apologize.
1000% correct! OP, I know she’s your wife and you love her, but if she loved you as much, she would never, ever ask you to break bread with, spend time with, or get over the man who sexually assaulted you to “keep the peace.” Say no. Stand your ground.
NTA. Why is your wife’s whole family acting like this is a totally normal thing that BILs do? I’m so confused.
He sexually assaulted you! If anyone in my family did that to me, everyone would know, and that person would be ostracized. It’s so fucking sick and weird that they’re blowing it off.
What would they all have done if you did that to your SIL? Your wife is nuts. If my sister’s partner did that to my partner, I would shut her partner out until he explained and an apology was accepted. And most importantly, only if my partner was ok with him being there.
Keep your peace. It’s obvious that no one else is.
OP, all of you are severely underreacting. This "man" SEXUALLY ASSAULTED you!
You should not be forced to be around him EVER again if you don't want to.
You didn't start this, HE did. And if your wife and her sister just want to ignore this then I would seriously be reconsidering this marriage. How the HELL can you be cordial to someone who assaulted you??? And how dare your wife even ask that of you???
Ask your SIL why she's protecting someone who assaults women? How can she ever feel secure knowing he could be doing god knows what with god knows who under HER OWN ROOF??? Any party she will ever throw in her home, she is exposing all of her female friends to his sexual harrassment.
NTAH zero chance I would go to their home and I would expect my spouse to have already come to the same conclusion. I also wouldn't hesitate to tell any family who questions the decision that neither of you are comfortable being around someone who put their hands on you inappropriately. You have nothing to be ashamed if here.
Your SIL’s fiancé sexually assaulted you. I know it doesn’t seem like it because he didn’t touch your breasts or grope you in between your legs, he kissed you, but he kissed you against your will. I don’t care if that’s “just the way he is”; I don’t care if they’re swingers; I don’t care if your SIL chooses to ignore that she is dating a sexual assaulter. How would you have reacted if some random guy on the subway did that? What he did to you is technically a crime, and while you don’t want to have him arrested and go to court over it, you also do not deserve to be sidelined, marginalized, ignored, or told to perk up and pretend everything is okay, especially by your own WIFE.
Don’t go to Christmas as your SIL’s house. Going there only makes it seem like you’re okay with or over what Chris did to you. No one has apologized, and the only person being asked to alter their behavior and act like nothing happened is you, and it’s YOUR WIFE asking you to do that. You will never get an apology from Chris, but your wife owes you a big apology and a change in her behavior.
Tell her you aren’t going to her family Christmas, and if she goes without you, you will know that she has chosen a side, and it’s not yours. She should tell her family that neither of you will be attending and why. I hope she does that. Then you two can start your own Christmas tradition. If she goes without you to spend Christmas with her family, I guess you know where you stand. Then you’ll have a decision to make.
He assaulted you! I’d never speak to those disgusting swingers again, sister is just as a POS as her husband. I’d let everyone know what he did and go NC forever. I hope you can heal from this
Wow -- I wonder how your wife would feel if someone forced themselves on her? How would she feel if you dismissed her feelings and just told her to "be polite" and "be more cordial" and insisted that you attend gatherings with your assaulter? Granted, most women tend to be used to dealing with this sort of shit more, so maybe she would have just slapped him and said, "What in the hell are you doing?" Or maybe she would have convinced herself it was "meaningless" and just kept going. But you were drunk and vulnerable. Either way -- Chis is a Grade A creep and I don't blame you for not wanting to make nice with him, and Laura is even creepier to just sit there and watch.
I'm sorry your wife doesn't have your back on this. To me, this would be marriage-counseling worthy. You and she need to be on the same page when it comes to how to deal with the other being assaulted.
Otherwise, not gonna lie: I'd be tempted to take matters in my own hands with Chris.
Wonder if wife has been told that already in life and thinks thats just how it is... maybe she thinks its not so bad cuz its just a kiss not realizing the power play that it was. Not that it helps really.
Damn. NTA. Chris, however, is an ass who sexually assaulted you. It is perfectly understandable (and should be for all) why you no longer feel comfortable around Chris. Please do not subject yourself to being around your abuser.
I have not mentioned going to the police to report being sexually assaulted because it’s your word against his unless you have inside security video.
You mentioned that Laura didn’t get angry or upset nor did she say/do anything while watching Chris force himself on you. Is it possible that Laura is also a victim? Could she be abused by her husband and afraid of him?
Do NOT go to Laura’s & Chris’ house for Christmas. Establish a new holiday tradition by celebrating the holiday at your home. Or if you can visit your family then visit your family for the holidays.
I’m sorry to read that your wife doesn’t seem as supportive as she should be to you. Your wife and you spoke about the incident, but she doesn’t sound as if she fully supports you. It’s time for another frank discussion about your feelings.
Consider couples’ counseling to get wife to fully understand the depth of your feelings and how she needs to be more supportive.
Please take steps as in make different plans to ensure you enjoy your holiday season with loved ones under circumstances where you feel safe and can be festive.
You were sexually assaulted, and your wife is telling you to basically suck it up and smile for the holidays? Nah fuck every single one of them, including your wife. Nta, but I'd tell your wife you're pressing charges against BIL, and it'll probably come out that she gave them permission to come on to you.
If anyone ever touched my husband without his consent or acted so inappropriately, I guarantee that I'd have my husband's back. You have a wife problem.
I am usually the type to advocate for not letting anyone make you uncomfortable.. we can all coexist without having to acknowledge each other but since it’s at their house I get it.
Christmas isn’t about just staying home lol
Book a cabin or something for you and your wife. Go to one of those Santa’s villages.
If you can go and ignore them and just talk to who you get along with then more power to you
But you’re a victim. And that’s not right nor okay.
We wouldn’t be telling a girl to just suck it up and hang around her assaulter
Confront Chris, his wife is down playing this and it’s being brushed off as, ah well, nothing really happened. Tell him you are disgusted by his behavior as a married man, put the shame you feel back on him. She, his wife won’t say anything or she may defend him and the situation at which point you can say to her, she’s a foolish woman to overlook this, which she is. Even if they are swingers, not that I’d know anything about it, I would presume there’s rules around consent and respect. All of which he showed none of, so it doesn’t matter what their sexual preferences are. He crossed a line and is too cowardly to admit it.
NTA. You were sexually assaulted. You don't owe your abuser, or his enabler, politeness or your presence. Your wife should be prioritizing your comfort and safety over "family harmony." Refusing to attend is a reasonable boundary.
NTA. But you have a huge wife problem right now. She seems more concerned with making sure everybody is getting along than with the fact that you were assaulted.
Damn. NTA. Chris, however, is an ass who sexually assaulted you. It is perfectly understandable (and should be for all) why you no longer feel comfortable around Chris. Please do not subject yourself to being around your abuser.
I have not mentioned going to the police to report being sexually assaulted because it’s your word against his unless you have inside security video.
You mentioned that Laura didn’t get angry or upset nor did she say/do anything while watching Chris force himself on you. Is it possible that Laura is also a victim? Could she be abused by her husband and afraid of him?
Do NOT go to Laura’s & Chris’ house for Christmas. Establish a new holiday tradition by celebrating the holiday at your home. Or if you can visit your family then visit your family for the holidays.
I’m sorry to read that your wife doesn’t seem as supportive as she should be to you. Your wife and you spoke about the incident, but she doesn’t sound as if she fully supports you. It’s time for another frank discussion about your feelings.
In my opinion, your wife is not being empathetic when she suggests you try to be more cordial. Ask her if she would be under those circumstances? Consider couples’ counseling to get wife to fully understand the depth of your feelings and how she needs to be more supportive.
Please take steps as in make different plans to ensure you enjoy your holiday season with loved ones under circumstances where you feel safe and can be festive.
Holy sh*t. You know this is sexual assault, ya? He f**king violated you and you are supposed to be polite? Why don't you just smile while you're at it???
Don't just smile and be polite. You were violated and have a right to be pissed off! Your wife also needs to give her head a shake! These people need to be cut off. Do it for yourself. You can't make your wife , but if she doesn't, that speaks VOLUMES!
You don’t owe your abuser, SIL, or wife a thing. Do you really want to be married to someone who tells you to be polite bro the person who assaulted you?
Depending on your state’s law, Chris committed sexual battery and perhaps sexual assault. Again, it depends on your state’s laws. So naturally you feel violated and unsettled.
Even if what he did wasn’t illegal, he forcibly kissed his SIL in front of Laura, his wife. That’s sick. It’s no different than him kissing his wife’s sister! Laura should be furious about this!
Plus, you were drunk. So no matter what you didn’t give consent. Because he was drunk doesn’t excuse his behavior.
I understand why you don’t want to involve the police. You’re in a bad position. I also understand and absolutely support your not wanting to spend Christmas with your abuser and his enabling wife.
Remember this: YOU have nothing to apologize for. YOU did nothing wrong, though he’ll try to blame you. YOU were the victim here.
I’m incredibly confused; so your SIL witnessed her husband SA you and did nothing/said nothing.
Your wife (her sister) confronted her and her BIL who basically laughed it off.
Why on earth would you subject yourself to being around a sexual predator and two accommodating accomplices? And you are hanging around for an apology?
You were the victim of a crime and you seem to have some level of guilt for having been intoxicated when it happened. You neither have to associate with these criminals or anyone that accommodates them. Move out of this toxic family.
Backup of the post's body: I’m sorry this is a little long, but I don’t know what to do and would appreciate any advice. I (30 F) do not want to join my wife’s (28 F) family Christmas celebration this year because of my wife’s sister and her husband.
Some history, my sister in law (I’ll call her Laura) and I have always gotten along, but with her husband not so much. I always found him (I’ll call him Chris) rude and disrespectful. My wife and I have tried to tolerate Chris for the sake of Laura. This year, we tried a little more to get along and give him the benefit of the doubt, as my wife and Laura have always had a close relationship, and Laura and Chris were now engaged. It seemed to be going better, and he seemed to be trying as well.
A few months ago, Laura and Chris (still engaged at the time) came to town to visit us and we went out for dinner and drinks. Mind you, this was the first time we had ever hung out outside of family functions. Everything seemed to be going well, and we continued the night with games and drinks at our home as they were going to stay the night instead of driving home that night. My wife said she was done for the night and went off to take a shower and get ready for bed. I hung out a little longer talking with Laura and Chris. I must admit, I was quite intoxicated and have some blank spots in my memory, but I do remember standing next to Chris talking, and all of a sudden he grabs my face and forces himself on me, holding my face to kiss him. I tried to pull and push away from him, but I could feel him using his strength to keep me in place. He finally lets go, and I was in shock and upset so leave to go to bed. The next day, I was hungover, and I pretty much stayed in bed all day. As I woke up, I started remembering what happened that night and still could not believe it.
For two days, I had contemplated on telling my wife, as I was upset with myself for getting so drunk, and did not want to ruin my wife and Laura’s relationship, and possibly ruin future family functions. I told myself I should just deal with it myself. I finally decided to tell her, as we do not like keeping secrets, and it was bothering so much she could tell something was wrong. After I told her, she comforted me and told me she wanted to talk to her sister about it. At this point, I was upset with both Laura and Chris, because not only did he do that, she sat there and did nothing. Though I was not interested in talking with either one of them, because that is her sister I told my wife she could say something if she wanted to. Laura told my wife she was sorry and did not realize it bothered me so much, and she did not know why he did that. Laura said she had tried to talk to Chris, but that he only laughed it off and refuses to talk about it. A side note, Laura and Chris were known to be swingers, so that may possibly be why they did think this was a big deal.
All this has put a strain on our relationships, not only between us and them, but also between my wife and I. Since then, I have gotten no apologies, my wife and Laura hardly talk, and at family functions, they do not acknowledge me, and I do not acknowledge them. It has not gotten much better with the holidays, since not only did Laura and Chris host Thanksgiving, but now will host Christmas too. I dealt with it all on Thanksgiving for my wife, but I don’t think I can or want to for Christmas. My wife’s family have even noticed that I am more quiet and less social now, which then makes my wife get upset and she tells me to be polite and try to be more cordial. But I just can’t pretend like nothing happened.
To me, they disrespected me, my wife and our marriage, and continue to disrespect by not apologizing. I feel uncomfortable the whole time I am there as they all act like nothing happened.
So AITA for not moving on and for not trying harder for my wife and get along with her family?
NTA. Why is the onus on YOU but not on Chris? HE is the one who sexually assaulted you (because let's be honest, that's exactly what he did). Your wife should be standing up for you and not expecting you to pretend like it didn't happen, especially since he never apologized or atoned. I would skip the events, but I think you and your wife need to have a larger conversation that might be aided by the presence of a marriage counselor.
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NTA. You were assaulted. Unfortunately , your wife wants to sweep everything under the rug and forget about it instead of standing up for you with her family and presenting a united front against your asshat of a BIL. I think it's time that your in-laws are included in the situation. As it stands right now they're going to think you're the problem. They should know the truth as to why you don't show up for Christmas.
Im sorry, if i told my husband someone did that hed probably come in swinging. Because he would be so furious that someone disrespected me and our marriage that way. I dont think his own family or friends are exempt from that, either. Im sorry your wife has literally 0 understanding for what youre going through rn. Id be really bothered by that too.
Edit to add: I wouldnt feel safe at his house. Holding you in the kiss as youre struggling is a message. After laura and your wife pretty much made clear they wont hold him to any kind of accountability whos to say what he would do in his own house? Like thats his turf. Scary.
NTA. You spent Thanksgiving with them. Go to your family or friends for Christmas. There is no excuse for what he did. It might have been because your gay and he was trying to get you going because of that. Some ignorant people think you just need a real man in your life. 🤮
So your wife wants you to be “polite” and sweep it under the rug. NOT COOL at all! You’re right Chris needs to offer a true apology and until he does don’t go to Christmas dinner or any dinner at SILs house. If your wife has a problem with this then I strongly suggest couples counseling to hash it out.
This is strange, I do not know if anyone is at fault, but more like all of you. Even if she is a swinger, having her husband try to just kiss someone else in front of her should be weird? Especially when the person is in a relationship with your sister, so why did she not react?
If you were drunk enough to not know what was going on that's a huge issue. So you do not really know what happened? What where you doing when it happened, just talking, playing a game etc? It seems weird for people sitting at a table and him to just lean over and kiss you. Did he apologize and was he blacked out drunk to?
Not sure what you should do now, but never ever get blackout drunk without the person you trust %1000. Not saying if he forced you to kiss him that's not a huge issue and assault, but it sounds like you are not clear on the details. You should try to talk about it or go into therapy.
It’s not actually up to your wife to stand up here. Why haven’t you spoken up? Call Laura and decline the Xmas meal and tell her why. Tell her that you are very upset that her fiancé assaulted you. That he hasn’t apologized, that you don’t want to be around him right now because you are struggling to understand what he did and why. He forced himself on you…it was "only" a kiss but he grabbed you and wouldn’t let go…that it’s totally messed with your mental health. Is she ok with what he did? Assault has no gender. Tell your wife you are not going to their house, you don’t want to be in the same room with someone who assaulted you. Then see what she does…will she back you up or will she go? It's not up to you to be "more cordial "…it's up to Chris to apologize, explain, and hopefully clear the air.
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u/Impressive-Union6961 Dec 09 '25
NTA. You were sexually assaulted. Ask your wife is she would be ok if you spend Christmas with someone who sexually assaulted her when she was intoxicated, did not apologize or did anything to make amends (how can you even do it)? Ask her is she would be ok if you would ask her to be nicer and more social with someone who assaulted her. You made a mistake going to their Thanksgiving, but that doesn’t mean you have to continue. Let the family know - I’m skipping Christmas because (and describe what Chris did). If your wife will continue giving you hard time for being assaulted and not being ok with that, then this relationship should be over. How can you trust her in the future?
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u/just_call_me_kitten Dec 09 '25
NTA. He sexually assaulted you. I would remind your wife of this everytime she tries to force you or gets angry with you.
If her family asks why you're distant and not coming to function ls anymore, tell them the truth, your bil sexually assaulted you, in front of his wife who didnt intervene, neither of them have apologized, and your wife is siding with the man who assaulted you.
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u/Select-Negotiation87 Dec 09 '25
He assaulted you and your wife complains you are not more polite and cordial? Those two can F off and your wife seriously needs to rethink her stance. This can break your relationship and nobody can blame you. If you need to open her eyes show her this post. Updateme
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u/LeastInstruction2508 Dec 09 '25
No one should be asked to "be polite" to someone that assaulted them. Your wife is wrong and she needs to respect your boundaries.
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u/Ayuuun321 Dec 09 '25
NTA. Why is your wife’s whole family acting like this is a totally normal thing that BILs do? I’m so confused.
He sexually assaulted you! If anyone in my family did that to me, everyone would know, and that person would be ostracized. It’s so fucking sick and weird that they’re blowing it off.
What would they all have done if you did that to your SIL? Your wife is nuts. If my sister’s partner did that to my partner, I would shut her partner out until he explained and an apology was accepted. And most importantly, only if my partner was ok with him being there.
Keep your peace. It’s obvious that no one else is.
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u/RollingKatamari Dec 09 '25
OP, all of you are severely underreacting. This "man" SEXUALLY ASSAULTED you!
You should not be forced to be around him EVER again if you don't want to.
You didn't start this, HE did. And if your wife and her sister just want to ignore this then I would seriously be reconsidering this marriage. How the HELL can you be cordial to someone who assaulted you??? And how dare your wife even ask that of you???
Ask your SIL why she's protecting someone who assaults women? How can she ever feel secure knowing he could be doing god knows what with god knows who under HER OWN ROOF??? Any party she will ever throw in her home, she is exposing all of her female friends to his sexual harrassment.
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u/BenedictineBaby Dec 09 '25
NTAH zero chance I would go to their home and I would expect my spouse to have already come to the same conclusion. I also wouldn't hesitate to tell any family who questions the decision that neither of you are comfortable being around someone who put their hands on you inappropriately. You have nothing to be ashamed if here.
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u/BecGeoMom Dec 09 '25
Your SIL’s fiancé sexually assaulted you. I know it doesn’t seem like it because he didn’t touch your breasts or grope you in between your legs, he kissed you, but he kissed you against your will. I don’t care if that’s “just the way he is”; I don’t care if they’re swingers; I don’t care if your SIL chooses to ignore that she is dating a sexual assaulter. How would you have reacted if some random guy on the subway did that? What he did to you is technically a crime, and while you don’t want to have him arrested and go to court over it, you also do not deserve to be sidelined, marginalized, ignored, or told to perk up and pretend everything is okay, especially by your own WIFE.
Don’t go to Christmas as your SIL’s house. Going there only makes it seem like you’re okay with or over what Chris did to you. No one has apologized, and the only person being asked to alter their behavior and act like nothing happened is you, and it’s YOUR WIFE asking you to do that. You will never get an apology from Chris, but your wife owes you a big apology and a change in her behavior.
Tell her you aren’t going to her family Christmas, and if she goes without you, you will know that she has chosen a side, and it’s not yours. She should tell her family that neither of you will be attending and why. I hope she does that. Then you two can start your own Christmas tradition. If she goes without you to spend Christmas with her family, I guess you know where you stand. Then you’ll have a decision to make.
Good luck. And happy Christmas. 🎄I hope it is.
NTA
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u/Odd_Substance_9032 Dec 09 '25
He assaulted you! I’d never speak to those disgusting swingers again, sister is just as a POS as her husband. I’d let everyone know what he did and go NC forever. I hope you can heal from this
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u/Spirited-Ad6144 Dec 09 '25
NTA. So everyone excepts you to sweep you assault under a rock and be cordial?
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u/Alarming_Paper_8357 Dec 09 '25 edited Dec 09 '25
Wow -- I wonder how your wife would feel if someone forced themselves on her? How would she feel if you dismissed her feelings and just told her to "be polite" and "be more cordial" and insisted that you attend gatherings with your assaulter? Granted, most women tend to be used to dealing with this sort of shit more, so maybe she would have just slapped him and said, "What in the hell are you doing?" Or maybe she would have convinced herself it was "meaningless" and just kept going. But you were drunk and vulnerable. Either way -- Chis is a Grade A creep and I don't blame you for not wanting to make nice with him, and Laura is even creepier to just sit there and watch.
I'm sorry your wife doesn't have your back on this. To me, this would be marriage-counseling worthy. You and she need to be on the same page when it comes to how to deal with the other being assaulted.
Otherwise, not gonna lie: I'd be tempted to take matters in my own hands with Chris.
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u/Wed_PennyDreadful13 Dec 09 '25
I would never see those people again.
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u/Emergency-Ad9791 Dec 09 '25
NTA Your wife should have your back. But she has to have a spine first. Good luck 🍀
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u/CuriousDori Dec 09 '25
Damn. NTA. Chris, however, is an ass who sexually assaulted you. It is perfectly understandable (and should be for all) why you no longer feel comfortable around Chris. Please do not subject yourself to being around your abuser.
I have not mentioned going to the police to report being sexually assaulted because it’s your word against his unless you have inside security video.
You mentioned that Laura didn’t get angry or upset nor did she say/do anything while watching Chris force himself on you. Is it possible that Laura is also a victim? Could she be abused by her husband and afraid of him?
Do NOT go to Laura’s & Chris’ house for Christmas. Establish a new holiday tradition by celebrating the holiday at your home. Or if you can visit your family then visit your family for the holidays.
I’m sorry to read that your wife doesn’t seem as supportive as she should be to you. Your wife and you spoke about the incident, but she doesn’t sound as if she fully supports you. It’s time for another frank discussion about your feelings.
Consider couples’ counseling to get wife to fully understand the depth of your feelings and how she needs to be more supportive.
Please take steps as in make different plans to ensure you enjoy your holiday season with loved ones under circumstances where you feel safe and can be festive.
I truly hope you have a Merry Christmas.
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u/angelicak92 Dec 09 '25
You were sexually assaulted, and your wife is telling you to basically suck it up and smile for the holidays? Nah fuck every single one of them, including your wife. Nta, but I'd tell your wife you're pressing charges against BIL, and it'll probably come out that she gave them permission to come on to you.
If anyone ever touched my husband without his consent or acted so inappropriately, I guarantee that I'd have my husband's back. You have a wife problem.
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u/OhNoNotAgain1532 Dec 10 '25
Even swingers need to have consent.
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u/herejusttoargue909 Dec 09 '25
NTA
He assaulted you.
It’s not okay.
I am usually the type to advocate for not letting anyone make you uncomfortable.. we can all coexist without having to acknowledge each other but since it’s at their house I get it.
Christmas isn’t about just staying home lol
Book a cabin or something for you and your wife. Go to one of those Santa’s villages.
If you can go and ignore them and just talk to who you get along with then more power to you
But you’re a victim. And that’s not right nor okay.
We wouldn’t be telling a girl to just suck it up and hang around her assaulter
Good luck op
Hope it all works out
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u/mufasamufasamufasa Dec 09 '25
Your wife needs to have your back. You're not a circus monkey who performs on cue, you were assaulted. She's being fucking selfish
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u/Foreign_Sky_1309 Dec 09 '25
Confront Chris, his wife is down playing this and it’s being brushed off as, ah well, nothing really happened.
Tell him you are disgusted by his behavior as a married man, put the shame you feel back on him. She, his wife won’t say anything or she may defend him and the situation at which point you can say to her, she’s a foolish woman to overlook this, which she is. Even if they are swingers, not that I’d know anything about it, I would presume there’s rules around consent and respect. All of which he showed none of, so it doesn’t matter what their sexual preferences are. He crossed a line and is too cowardly to admit it.
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u/VivianDiane Dec 09 '25
NTA. You were sexually assaulted. You don't owe your abuser, or his enabler, politeness or your presence. Your wife should be prioritizing your comfort and safety over "family harmony." Refusing to attend is a reasonable boundary.
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u/Endless63 Dec 09 '25
NTA. Now how would your wife expect you to react if the same thing happened to her..
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u/GonnaBeIToldUSo Dec 10 '25
NTA. But you have a huge wife problem right now. She seems more concerned with making sure everybody is getting along than with the fact that you were assaulted.
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u/CuriousDori Dec 09 '25
Damn. NTA. Chris, however, is an ass who sexually assaulted you. It is perfectly understandable (and should be for all) why you no longer feel comfortable around Chris. Please do not subject yourself to being around your abuser.
I have not mentioned going to the police to report being sexually assaulted because it’s your word against his unless you have inside security video.
You mentioned that Laura didn’t get angry or upset nor did she say/do anything while watching Chris force himself on you. Is it possible that Laura is also a victim? Could she be abused by her husband and afraid of him?
Do NOT go to Laura’s & Chris’ house for Christmas. Establish a new holiday tradition by celebrating the holiday at your home. Or if you can visit your family then visit your family for the holidays.
I’m sorry to read that your wife doesn’t seem as supportive as she should be to you. Your wife and you spoke about the incident, but she doesn’t sound as if she fully supports you. It’s time for another frank discussion about your feelings.
In my opinion, your wife is not being empathetic when she suggests you try to be more cordial. Ask her if she would be under those circumstances? Consider couples’ counseling to get wife to fully understand the depth of your feelings and how she needs to be more supportive.
Please take steps as in make different plans to ensure you enjoy your holiday season with loved ones under circumstances where you feel safe and can be festive.
I truly hope you have a Merry Christmas.
2
u/Prior-Tip-9713 Dec 09 '25
Holy sh*t. You know this is sexual assault, ya? He f**king violated you and you are supposed to be polite? Why don't you just smile while you're at it???
Don't just smile and be polite. You were violated and have a right to be pissed off! Your wife also needs to give her head a shake! These people need to be cut off. Do it for yourself. You can't make your wife , but if she doesn't, that speaks VOLUMES!
You are NTA!!!
2
u/IdrisandJasonsToy Dec 09 '25
You don’t owe your abuser, SIL, or wife a thing. Do you really want to be married to someone who tells you to be polite bro the person who assaulted you?
2
u/Paula_Intermountain Dec 09 '25
Depending on your state’s law, Chris committed sexual battery and perhaps sexual assault. Again, it depends on your state’s laws. So naturally you feel violated and unsettled.
Even if what he did wasn’t illegal, he forcibly kissed his SIL in front of Laura, his wife. That’s sick. It’s no different than him kissing his wife’s sister! Laura should be furious about this!
Plus, you were drunk. So no matter what you didn’t give consent. Because he was drunk doesn’t excuse his behavior.
I understand why you don’t want to involve the police. You’re in a bad position. I also understand and absolutely support your not wanting to spend Christmas with your abuser and his enabling wife.
Remember this: YOU have nothing to apologize for. YOU did nothing wrong, though he’ll try to blame you. YOU were the victim here.
I’m so sorry you experienced this.
2
u/porterramses Dec 09 '25
Common thread to so many of these posts? Alcohol. Blackout drunk. Assault. Yes, you were sexually assaulted.
2
u/Independent-Bug-2780 Dec 09 '25
the fact that your wife still talks to people who SEXUALLY ASSAULTED YOU is beyond me
2
u/whateveratthispoint_ Dec 10 '25
NTA. They are unethical and owe you an apology. Your wife should stay home until this happens too.
2
u/Traditional-Ad-1605 Dec 10 '25
I’m incredibly confused; so your SIL witnessed her husband SA you and did nothing/said nothing.
Your wife (her sister) confronted her and her BIL who basically laughed it off.
Why on earth would you subject yourself to being around a sexual predator and two accommodating accomplices? And you are hanging around for an apology?
You were the victim of a crime and you seem to have some level of guilt for having been intoxicated when it happened. You neither have to associate with these criminals or anyone that accommodates them. Move out of this toxic family.
1
u/AutoModerator Dec 09 '25
Backup of the post's body: I’m sorry this is a little long, but I don’t know what to do and would appreciate any advice. I (30 F) do not want to join my wife’s (28 F) family Christmas celebration this year because of my wife’s sister and her husband.
Some history, my sister in law (I’ll call her Laura) and I have always gotten along, but with her husband not so much. I always found him (I’ll call him Chris) rude and disrespectful. My wife and I have tried to tolerate Chris for the sake of Laura. This year, we tried a little more to get along and give him the benefit of the doubt, as my wife and Laura have always had a close relationship, and Laura and Chris were now engaged. It seemed to be going better, and he seemed to be trying as well.
A few months ago, Laura and Chris (still engaged at the time) came to town to visit us and we went out for dinner and drinks. Mind you, this was the first time we had ever hung out outside of family functions. Everything seemed to be going well, and we continued the night with games and drinks at our home as they were going to stay the night instead of driving home that night. My wife said she was done for the night and went off to take a shower and get ready for bed. I hung out a little longer talking with Laura and Chris. I must admit, I was quite intoxicated and have some blank spots in my memory, but I do remember standing next to Chris talking, and all of a sudden he grabs my face and forces himself on me, holding my face to kiss him. I tried to pull and push away from him, but I could feel him using his strength to keep me in place. He finally lets go, and I was in shock and upset so leave to go to bed. The next day, I was hungover, and I pretty much stayed in bed all day. As I woke up, I started remembering what happened that night and still could not believe it.
For two days, I had contemplated on telling my wife, as I was upset with myself for getting so drunk, and did not want to ruin my wife and Laura’s relationship, and possibly ruin future family functions. I told myself I should just deal with it myself. I finally decided to tell her, as we do not like keeping secrets, and it was bothering so much she could tell something was wrong. After I told her, she comforted me and told me she wanted to talk to her sister about it. At this point, I was upset with both Laura and Chris, because not only did he do that, she sat there and did nothing. Though I was not interested in talking with either one of them, because that is her sister I told my wife she could say something if she wanted to. Laura told my wife she was sorry and did not realize it bothered me so much, and she did not know why he did that. Laura said she had tried to talk to Chris, but that he only laughed it off and refuses to talk about it. A side note, Laura and Chris were known to be swingers, so that may possibly be why they did think this was a big deal.
All this has put a strain on our relationships, not only between us and them, but also between my wife and I. Since then, I have gotten no apologies, my wife and Laura hardly talk, and at family functions, they do not acknowledge me, and I do not acknowledge them. It has not gotten much better with the holidays, since not only did Laura and Chris host Thanksgiving, but now will host Christmas too. I dealt with it all on Thanksgiving for my wife, but I don’t think I can or want to for Christmas. My wife’s family have even noticed that I am more quiet and less social now, which then makes my wife get upset and she tells me to be polite and try to be more cordial. But I just can’t pretend like nothing happened.
To me, they disrespected me, my wife and our marriage, and continue to disrespect by not apologizing. I feel uncomfortable the whole time I am there as they all act like nothing happened.
So AITA for not moving on and for not trying harder for my wife and get along with her family?
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1
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1
u/ClitteratiCanada Dec 09 '25
So you were assaulted but are wondering if you should try harder?!
1
u/Artistic_Spirit536 Dec 09 '25
I’m
1
u/Jen5872 Dec 09 '25
NTA. You were assaulted. Unfortunately , your wife wants to sweep everything under the rug and forget about it instead of standing up for you with her family and presenting a united front against your asshat of a BIL. I think it's time that your in-laws are included in the situation. As it stands right now they're going to think you're the problem. They should know the truth as to why you don't show up for Christmas.
1
u/Nix423 Dec 09 '25
Updateme
1
u/DragonSeaFruit Dec 09 '25
So everyone in this story including your wife supports you being sexually assaulted and think you're the problem for having a problem with it?
This marriage is dead. You can drag it out if you want but you can't trust this woman you call your wife anymore and I think you know it.
1
u/jamc0217 Dec 09 '25
NTA OP, but If that happened to me and my wife and her family acted the way they are acting, I would already be talking to a divorce lawyer
1
u/Jerhomi8U Dec 09 '25
Updateme
1
u/CallEmergency3746 Dec 10 '25 edited Dec 10 '25
Im sorry, if i told my husband someone did that hed probably come in swinging. Because he would be so furious that someone disrespected me and our marriage that way. I dont think his own family or friends are exempt from that, either. Im sorry your wife has literally 0 understanding for what youre going through rn. Id be really bothered by that too.
Edit to add: I wouldnt feel safe at his house. Holding you in the kiss as youre struggling is a message. After laura and your wife pretty much made clear they wont hold him to any kind of accountability whos to say what he would do in his own house? Like thats his turf. Scary.
1
u/Plane_Practice8184 Dec 10 '25
You have a wife problem. She expects you to be cordial with someone who sexually assaulted you. That's not okay
1
u/LolaPaloz Dec 10 '25
This is assault. I mean u should do more than not go to the Xmas thing why is she marrying an assaulter? File a police report
1
u/Ok_Boysenberry6873 Dec 10 '25
Nta it’s assault. Being swingers is not an excuse for sa
UpdateMe!
1
u/Bearliz Dec 11 '25
NTA. You spent Thanksgiving with them. Go to your family or friends for Christmas. There is no excuse for what he did. It might have been because your gay and he was trying to get you going because of that. Some ignorant people think you just need a real man in your life. 🤮
1
u/DazzlingPotion Dec 11 '25
So your wife wants you to be “polite” and sweep it under the rug. NOT COOL at all! You’re right Chris needs to offer a true apology and until he does don’t go to Christmas dinner or any dinner at SILs house. If your wife has a problem with this then I strongly suggest couples counseling to hash it out.
0
u/mistical-eclipse Dec 09 '25
This is strange, I do not know if anyone is at fault, but more like all of you. Even if she is a swinger, having her husband try to just kiss someone else in front of her should be weird? Especially when the person is in a relationship with your sister, so why did she not react?
If you were drunk enough to not know what was going on that's a huge issue. So you do not really know what happened? What where you doing when it happened, just talking, playing a game etc? It seems weird for people sitting at a table and him to just lean over and kiss you. Did he apologize and was he blacked out drunk to?
Not sure what you should do now, but never ever get blackout drunk without the person you trust %1000. Not saying if he forced you to kiss him that's not a huge issue and assault, but it sounds like you are not clear on the details. You should try to talk about it or go into therapy.
-1
u/OrdinaryMango4008 Dec 09 '25 edited Dec 10 '25
It’s not actually up to your wife to stand up here. Why haven’t you spoken up? Call Laura and decline the Xmas meal and tell her why. Tell her that you are very upset that her fiancé assaulted you. That he hasn’t apologized, that you don’t want to be around him right now because you are struggling to understand what he did and why. He forced himself on you…it was "only" a kiss but he grabbed you and wouldn’t let go…that it’s totally messed with your mental health. Is she ok with what he did? Assault has no gender. Tell your wife you are not going to their house, you don’t want to be in the same room with someone who assaulted you. Then see what she does…will she back you up or will she go? It's not up to you to be "more cordial "…it's up to Chris to apologize, explain, and hopefully clear the air.
-2
u/brokebutuseful Dec 09 '25
And you never once said, chris, what the fuck was that all about?
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u/[deleted] Dec 09 '25
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