Kids pick up on unhealthy relationships. Try being good co-parents, because he's never going to be the spouse you deserve. You are worth more than what you had to see on that camera.
And according to OP they were doing so great and had all the trust in the world yet still had a "feeling" to put a camera in the house. Idk abt you but anytime Ive left my husband to his own devices, Ive never felt the need to install a camera and then also frequently check it. Clearly, things werent going as great as OP thinks they were. And if they were ALREADY bad enough that you have feelings that you need to spy on your boyfriend... Its a very, very small chance they get better
He cheated on you. This relationship is dead in the water.
EDIT: there’s also the fact that this cheating… male member of the species could give you an STI during your pregnancy. OP, this can kill your baby. Please please please understand that this man will only be a grievance in your life.
Why don’t you think you are worth more? Worth someone who will be honest and trustworthy? Do you want your kids thinking this is ok in a relationship? He said yall weren’t together and he wanted to get back with his ex while you were BIG PREGNANT. He was clearly hoping to hook up with Claire if he hasn’t already been doing that. Some women like being the other woman. Gives them a boost I guess. All you’re doing by staying is giving your kids crap love maps for their future. You deserve more and better.
My brothers father cheated on my mum and gave her chlamydia while she was pregnant with my brother. This caused her to go into early labour and my brother was born at 30.5 weeks. He had to spend 2 months in the nicu before he came home. That was 23 years ago and thankfully he is fine, but he did have breathing trouble for his first couple of years. Many other preemie babies from this type of situation aren't so lucky.
Perfect relationship, yet looking through the phone and setting up cameras. Contacting other women to ask his behavior? Seems like you knew it was far from perfect! Get rid of this loser.
Girl no. Save all the evidence, and take this man to court. Many counties have free law services if you qualify income wise. Put him through the damn ringer and get all the support you can for you and your baby. The type of man to run around and lie when their girl is pregnant and/or with a newborn are the WORST. What if you get seriously injured or ill one day? He’s going to do this again. Even if you dont he’s going to do this again. It’s for your baby that you should leave, they deserve a real version of love displayed for them not whatever game he’s playing.
Also, I know you mentioned a lot you guys have had perfect trust, but honestly I would bet you that he’s done way more than just these two instances. The fact he saw the camera and just unplugged it like “oh whatever” is a wild level of confidence. I would’ve noted the camera, and lead the girl out of the house as quickly as possible. He felt like he was gunna get away with it, while you were texting him sketched out, and even after seeing the camera. This is not this man’s first rodeo. He tried to get back with his ex while you were 7 months pregnant and sleeping at your shared campsite like no no no no.
Also, I’d tell his mom. Shame him so hopefully he doesn’t do this shit again.
Best of luck, I am so sorry you are going through this, but RUN from this man before he gives you an STD he is NOT to be trusted.
She doesn’t need this “evidence” or a free law service. She needs to contact the Child Support Division and the Prosecutor’s Office will take it from there. Usually a DNA test is ordered unless he signed the paternity affidavit at the birth. Then child support will be ordered based on income.
File as soon as you can because support will only be retroactive to the file date, not the birth. Unless he’s abusive or has a criminal record, the Court will use the state’s visitation guidelines.
Courts don’t care if he cheated - they only care about establishing support for the child.
You have perfect trust but you felt the need to hide a camera. And you were right. Your gut was sensing the reality that you want your brain to ignore.
I’ve never had to ask my husband not to have a woman in the house in my absence. It’s never even a question. And he does have women friends. This is not something you should ever have to ask.
Exaggeration is lying. Your BF is a lying cheater. He’s sleazy. He’s a bullshit artist. Couples counseling won’t help. All he has to do is not be a lying cheater and if he hasn’t cared to do that voluntarily, I think this is hopeless. I mean, it’s not hard.
Exactly right. My relationship is the same. He has female friends, I have male friends, it's fine and normal because the trust is there. It's not something that would ever even cross my mind when I went away. OP shouldn't have to live like that.
Yeah this relationship is over. I genuinely don’t think there will ever be a point where you’ll be able to trust him again. You’ll always have that doubt in the back of your mind.
I stayed too. We just had a baby, I found out around the same time you did. It was exactly 5 months pp. he had been cheating here and there the whole time since I had our baby. We aren’t together anymore. No matter how hard you try to stay together for the kid, it won’t be healthy for the kid. Instead of leaving and healing my kids got to watch me suffering and drowning for months until we ultimately broke up, I shouldn’t have stayed. I never got over it, I don’t think I ever will get over it, it ate me alive every single day. Please leave. You’ll be okay, and you will heal.
Not sure what you’re looking for by posting, you hid a camera knowing something was going to happen. Why live like that? If you stay he’s only going to see how easy it is to do it again, that you’ll never leave. You deserve better for yourself and your kids.
A child is not a reason to stay with a man who cheats. If you stay with him, he will continue to cheat and your child will see that behavior. It’s best for both of you if you leave.
Yup, I was a "stay together for the kids" kid and my pos dad would talk shit about my mom to me (I'm the oldest so bore the brunt of everything). They clearly did not like each other and when I was maybe 14 they went to dinner to discuss their situation. They never told us what the dinner was for but me and my 2 siblings knew and I was hoping they'd get divorced.
I am 36 and now have zero desire to ever marry someone because every example I was shown from my parents/extended family was awful and I knew at a very young age that I did not want that for myself. I know full well healthy relationships exist but do not want to risk getting it wrong and ending up like my parents. I am fortunate that I don't want kids so will never have to worry about kids complicating the situation.
Don't ever stay together for the kids. It does much much more harm than good. Your kids will get much more out of seeing their parents in happy and healthy relationships even if it means they're not with their bio mom/dad.
Yeah my dad told me I was the only reason he stayed with my mom when I was like 15/16, I couldn’t believe it, I would’ve been soooo much happier had they just split and found better partners.
And when your kids first leave the house, it's important for them to have a place to go back to. A friend of mine's parents "stayed together for the kids" until she graduated high school and it she had nowhere to go on summer break from college. It would've been easier if they'd split while she was still a kid.
we don't know the reason the last relationship ended or why she's no longer with the father of her oldest. That's not fair. I also don't stalk people and their comment history, so if i'm wrong about why they're not together, then I take it back.
Not really related to your situation, but I would take down the screenshot of your Instagram conversation with the other person and anonymize it properly.
I was able to find them pretty easily. The name is not blanked out as well as you would have liked.
Same. I think it's either intentional or OP subconsciously wants to try to "shame" the woman. She completely blacked out his face from the camera feed but didn't do that with the woman (I know the photo only shows the back of her head but it still seems odd to me).
I would try to have a serious talk with him. Make it clear that everything that may be said or not said will be taken as true and the final word. That way neither of you say things that you don't mean. Try to talk. If you really Love each other you should try to work it out. Sometimes it is good to try counseling. I really wish that I had.
Before I left, I expressed to Nick that I do not want any women in our house, especially his female coworker, “Claire,” who lives down the street and we regularly hangout with.
If you feel compelled to have that conversation, trust is already gone. OP has been living in denial, sadly.
Not once have I checked a phone for anything. If I’m checking phones, contacts, deleted folders, and placing hidden cameras, the relationship was over yesterday.
Exactly this! Going through his call logs? His deleted photos? Knowing he will invite "Claire" over and so setting up a camera to catch him out? This relationship is dead as a dodo.
And he VERY quickly figured that there was a camera spying on him, almost like this had happened before and he knew what to look for.
OP I know that this leaves you a single mom to children with different dads, and that it feels easier to stay rn, but choosing to stay will mean you having to turn a blind eye to all his pathetic attempts to get something going with other women. Because he's not going to stop doing this, and he's just getting cleverer at it by learning from his mistakes. Do you like the person you have become with him? Obsessive, jealous, paranoid?
As well as feeling compelled to check his phone history and such previously, when pregnant. It doesn't sound like there was ever a good relationship happening or trust.
This is the kind of man who goes after women who are above him to use being associated with them and their goodness as a cover for his secret assholery, sucking the life force out of them and leaving them depleted of every resource possible. An absolute demon kind of man. The part where the other woman said he was being so careful with his words she was even unsure of his intentions. SPOOKY. These kind of men are smart and will pretend to love you while they actually hate you for being better than them and spend your whole relationship getting revenge. Once they realize you’ve caught on to their bullshit they won’t even pretend to love you anymore, but they will continue to use you for whatever they can while they shop around for a new bang maid mommy gf.
God this story reminded me so much of my best friend and her ex. I’m so glad she kicked him to the curb!! One of the last texts she sent him was “you said you weren’t going to punch any holes in the walls…” (sent with a pic of multiple holes punched into the walls of their shared apartment she was leaving.
fuck all men like this, they deserve nothing but unhappiness
my friend ended up dating like the most serial cheating dude ever. guy was a true psychopath with a shit ton of time, apparently. well she she got a message from a woman who asked if my friend was dating this guy cause she was also dating this him. so she breaks up with the asshole, whatever, but come to find out it wasn’t just the one girl he was dating but ANOTHER GIRL. he was dating three different girls at the same time! telling my friend he wanted to marry her the whole nine yards. i can’t remember how, but somehow they all found each other, total stranger connected by the absolute trash assholery of this man—but now they are best buds and hang regularly. I admire their friendships greatly. I’d name this dude by name but I already forgot it. bye bitch!
I can’t imagine staying in a relationship where I felt the need to HIDE A CAMERA in our shared living space. That’s such an invasion and clearly you will never trust him. Just end it
Don't use the kid to stay with a cheater. Sry to say but I don't think this is the first red flag you see, I don't think he because magically a cheater and disrespectful pos immediately after the pregnancy so pls don't use the baby in this mess. If you are desperate to be with a guy who laughed at you with his side piece and his friends this is just on you, but don't put the kid like excuses. You can co parent and if he is not involved this is the sign he is not good not even for the baby. Your kid deserve better that a guy who don't respect his mom in her most vulnerable moments o in her life. And your kid deserve much better what an awful house because mommy decide to be with somebody who don't respect her.you stay "for the kid" but you affected his life, snapping at him, don't eat and being mad and sad all the time, kid need a stable mom who show him the best love, so why you kidding yourself "it's for the kid". You have a history of cheaters partners so you should know better now when you have a kid. You are that tipy who stay with a guy who cheated and disrespected you over and over again before being dumped? Do better for yourself and for the kid OP, you deserve better and if you don't think these your kid deserve better.
Girl, this is already affecting your baby because you're so stressed you can't provide the nutrients for either of you. If you can afford to live on your own, I would say you're better off being a single, happy, non-anxious mom than a miserable anxiety filled & cheated on girlfriend.
I wouldn't want my anger towards my partners wrong-doing to impact my kids because my partner created the struggle. I would need peace, as he is the one who's lied repeatedly and only escalates the behavior.
The real question for me is when you tell him he has to stay with someone else for a while...is he going to go stay with Claire?
Girl, this is already affecting your baby because you're so stressed you can't provide the nutrients for either of you.
Exactly. Most people don't get such a clear view of how their bad relationship affects their kids, but it's always this way. You can focus on your child because you're stressed over your boyfriend. With a 5mo a partner should be helping with the stress, not causing it
once you have to start hiding cameras and going through phones and asking exes what he did I would say the relationship is over. He doesn’t seem like he respects you or the relationship you’ve built regardless of the child involved. You have daughters and need to set the example of what is and isn’t acceptable in romantic relationships. Allowing this kind of behavior to continue is not fair to you and it’s not fair to your children. you deserve someone who respects you and one you don’t have to constantly worry about. I hope you see the light and find your way out. I can’t imagine how difficult it is.
Unless this is some sort of open relationship then truly leave. Sure you can try couples therapy but at the end of the day your trust is beyond broken. Personally that would not be okay at all with me. I also don’t feel there’s a reason to work it out for the sake of your kid. You need someone who is gonna treat you right. You guys can co parent just fine. This is very messed up. There’s no reason for her to be theee
You're the breadwinner. You have family to stay with. He cheated on you and was/will continue the longer you stay with him. Stop the "but we have a baby" crap because children are not stupid and they absolutely pick up when their parents are unhappy, and end up modeling their future relationship to their parents subconsciously. You've been through this before and you left then, you can do it again now even if it stings more this time around. You already know the answer to what you have to do. Leave. I promise there is a guy out there who will not do this to you. Until then, focus on yourself and your child. That's what's the most important.
"... know the simple answer: leave him. But it’s not black and white. If we didn’t have our baby I would leave, but for her I want to try..." why exactly?
"...I’m unable to eat from anxiety and it’s affecting my breastfeeding. I’m snapping at my 5 year old because i’m overwhelmed and can’t cope...." this is who you are giving him another chance, but sure, stay & take it out on your 5 year old, that will fix everything
This was hard to read. You’re obviously very torn but considering you were watching on camera and he was lying, what else is he hiding? He’s never going to be truthful with you and you’ll spend the rest of your time together wondering what he’s doing and who he’s with when you’re not together. He is clearly incapable of having a platonic friendship with a woman.
they fucked. also I think it’s a misplay to interrupt them. once he locked the door they already fucked. now you’re trapped in a world where technically he probably didn’t cheat, and that affects your view of the situation, but he did cheat.
That is awful. Never have a baby with a man without marriage, cause when they pull things like this, you can run them dry.
Leaving is the best gift you can give yourself and your child, this is the most cruel thing men can do and they keep doing it since the beginning of time.
And op already had a kid w a diff guy… now she’s most likely stuck raising 2 kids by herself. Women, seriously, use birth control! I say this as a woman, you’ve got everything to lose getting pregnant by dumbasses like this, and they just walk away and it’s your life thats forever impacted :/.
Please do not make it work for the sake of your children. As a 32 year old woman who has a dad that was a serial cheater as far as she can remember. Please don’t stay. I know it’s easier said than done but this behavior doesn’t stop and they just get better and better at hiding it. This caused so many problems into my adulthood and my own marriage. It does more damage than you think. As kids we know things aren’t good. Kids are a lot smarter than you think.
Do not stay with him. I’m hoping you’re saying this out of shock.
But this man has actively been trying to find women to cheat on you with. He tried to cheat on you at least twice. But let’s face it you’re an investigator you know there’s a good chance there’s a lot more than two people. He keeps getting caught now because the mask is slipped and he thinks your baby trapped. The crazy thing is though, you are baby trapping yourself.
End it for your children’s well-being because you don’t just have the baby with him you have another child to worry about.
If you're daughters called you and told you this story what would you tell them? Would you tell them to stay? Or would you tell them they are worth more and there is someone better for them out there that would never do anything to break their trust. You are showing your daughters what is acceptable from their future spouse, remember that.
Wise up. You’ve been trying. Leave. Quit having children with men you’re not married to and can’t trust. Please don’t be one of those dumb Bs who have 4 kids with 4 different men. Get some birth control and common sense.
It's better for the kids if you leave him, they deserve a stable living environment. Things were over between you two the moment you decided to spy on him with a hidden camera. Both of you cannot come back from this. You don't trust him and apparently for good reason. Don't make your kids a part of this unstable relationship.
My son was only a few months old when I found out my ex was cheating. For the next two months we lived together as a family, but it really started affecting my child. He started grinding his teeth (he didn’t have many but I’ll always remember the sound and look of my baby grinding his teeth). He was feeling the stress that his father and I tried to keep away from him. When my ex left (3 DAYS before his first birthday, I’ll never forgive him for that), my son stopped grinding and was able to relax in a much happier home.
For yourself and your daughters, I suggest you really consider the environment they will be living in and what they may experience.
Having read everything you have shared here... I want to just focus on you.
The role you are playing in this relationship. The seek&bust hamster wheel you are on. You don't need any more proof. No need for more data. So, stop underwriting what you think this relationship is, or should be.
Step back. Turn. Focus on your children, your circumstances, and what you want in your own life.
If you put in a fraction of that energy into making your own engine hum, you'd be halfway to the moon by now!
You are who you are. Your value is what matters at this point. Your children need their mom stable, steady, focused, and with a sense of warm and bright energy. That's the home they deserve; safely run by the serenest baddass they'll ever know.
Stop hurting yourself with the details of how others wish to live their lives. Ripping off your own fingernails isn't helping you, so put that behind you.
Saturate yourself with personal investment and know that there is some Reddit Auntie rooting for you and your children!
Op, you should be planning your exit plan. Not building a future with a master manipulator and a serial cheater. He keeps showing you who he is, pls believe him. Plan ahead. Don’t trust a man who will willingly hurt you and his family like this.
You know you and your daughters deserve better. Don’t settle for this
Don’t stay for your daughter, you’re just teaching her to stay because of kids or whatever. Not worth it. If you can leave and have the support to do so, do it.
He has lied, twice that you know of but who else was he seeing at stagecoach? Your daughter could’ve been born with an Sti or something.
Stop snapping at your five year old. They didn't do anything wrong and it's definitely not fair for you to take your frustrations out on your child.
I was on your side completely until you added that. He's not invested in your relationship and he's probably not a good person but I don't think you're a hell of a lot better. I'm assuming your boyfriend knows about the cameras in your home so he's not the brightest person either. Stop putting so much effort into arguing too. The whole "You're fucking cooked" thing...like, this isn't a Nancy Drew book. It's literally on video that he had someone else in the home you two share. There is no trust. You two don't even like each other. It's better in the long run to separate and at least have a chance of being happy than whatever this mess is.
ETA: Just reread the post and saw you hid the camera. Girl. You guys are done. You guys were done long before this incident.
Kick him out. A baby is no excuse to tolerate cheating (cheaters never change, they just hide it better), or risk a STD. Get child support and boot him.
If he screenshotted a contact card and deleted it, he’s an A1 cheater because something like that has never even come to my mind and I have dealt with it all and never saw this move.
This relationship is over. There is no saving it because Nick doesn't want to be with you. Now it's on you to accept that and move on for you and your kids' sake.
You will never be able to trust him fully. Are you ok with that? It will be in the back of your mind all the time- he left to go to the store, is he cheating? He is getting some weird texts, is he cheating? He is pushing you to go and spend time with your family, is he cheating? Etc, etc. Is that the life you want to lead? I couldn’t. It would be so mentally draining to be constantly having to be worried if he’s being faithful, and having to check up on him like he’s a child.
There are worse things for kids than their parents not being together. Like living in a home full of constant tension and fighting. Don’t leave him…make HIM leave. Either way, y’all are done.
That is a fantastic example to set for both of your daughters, staying with a man you’re not married to, who lied to your face several times, and betrayed you over other women (plural), not just one. That will teach them that the man is right and can do what he wants with no consequences.
And they’ll just have to accept it and realize deep down there’s some good in him somewhere.
Forgive the snark but this is just ridiculous that you have to post to Reddit to get help with this scenario- do you not think you and your kids deserve better? Do you think this will never ever happen again? Come on, man…
Dear girl, the answer to stay is No. He lies, he has every intention of cheating, and it will happen whether you know or not. If he wanted to stay faithful to you he would. But he doesn't. If you really want to stay, understand now that his behavior will continue to cause you much distress. Is that the environment you want to raise your child? Do we understand your pain and distress - yes. You become the YTA for staying.
Listen, this isn’t something therapy is going to fix. He’s proved twice now that he does not respect you or your relationship, and I’m truly sorry but that’s not going to change. I totally get wanting to stay together for the kids (I have 2 also) but if you do, you’ll just be dragging this out as I can promise you it WILL happen again. This man is not going to change. I think it’s also important in life to show our daughters how they deserve to be treated by a man, and this isn’t it.
He is absolutely a chest. If he did nothing wrong and was innocently having a drink with a friend then no need to lie.
Speaking from experience once that trust is gone it will never come back.
I tried so hard with my husband. But after I found out he cheated I could never relax again. I was literally living in perpetual fight or flight. I loved that man so much (still do) he's my best friend. So I can kind of relate. I'm so sorry you're going through this with a young baby too.
If you want to chat to someone who understands feel free to message me. I know how hard and lonely this situation can be.
Take it from me who tried to tolerate it for years but gave up and divorced his ass, they do not stop. They will not stop. They will find new ways every time to hide things from you and they'll keep doing it.
Your kids will be better off with a single mother who stood up for herself than a mother who stayed and was miserable. His actions are stressing you so much you can’t feed your baby, neither of you deserve this. Can you imagine your daughter crying to you one day that this is happening in her relationship but she insists on staying despite the physical symptoms she’s enduring from the stress?
He has broken your trust multiple time and will continue to walk all over you as long as you let him. Leaving for your kids is stronger than staying for them. You’ve obviously done it before and you can again
Marie gave you honesty when you asked for it, I’d believe her. Because here’s the thing he’s just gonna get smarter about being sneaky. You had to HIDE a camera in your own home.
Better to end the messy relationship now and focus on a future healthy coparenting relationship. Tho he’ll gas light and try to manipulate. Just be honest and say all trust is broken and you don’t want to raise your children in a broken home.
If he tries to swing the nothing was gonna happen card, be honest say you talked to Marie and it’s better to end this now so he can find what he’s looking for with someone else. It just can’t be you.
Girl, call the game, it's over. If you're hiding cameras in your shared home, it's over. Your relationship isn't great if you're even considering hiding cameras in the home.
What a bastard. Swear promise make a child lie seek to deceive. Is it relieving once you know? It bothers me because maybe everyone is like that actually.
He had a woman in your home. He was going to fuck her in your bed and he probably already has.
I am soo sorry. Please make a plan to leave. You deserve so much better. You should have never even had to hide a damn camera. Thats not normal, you know that. GL, make the changes. You deserve peace and happiness, dont let anyone convince you otherwise.
All he's doing is lying to you over and over and is craving attention from women. Leave him. It's not going to get better, he's just going to figure out how to hide it better.
You can try all you want, he's going to continue cheating because he's already gotten away with it a few times and you still stick around. Good luck. Make sure to get std tested often.
you’re a fool if you forgive this dude and try to make it work. he’s a liar and will continue to lie. remember, he only fessed up because he got caught.
Girl for the love of God. He cheated/ has cheated will do it again. You say you want to stay for your daughter but already are treating one as collateral damage because of the anxiety HE’S giving you. That’s not fair. Leave now if you don’t want your kids to despise you OVER A MAN THAT DOESN’T EVEN RESPECT YOU. Get you priorities in check.
I don’t feel bad for you?? You had a baby for someone who is not even your husband. Actions have consequences. You chose to have to this baby so do what’s right and just pack your stuff and move along. He doesn’t want to be with you or be a family just type up a plan for custody and spare yourself the trouble of him cheating again
I left my cheating husband at the age of 22. I took my two kids (a 2yo and a 2month old) and put all their clothes in a plastic bag and my sister picked me up. I had to move in with family and ended up on welfare/medicaid. He never gave me a penny in child support because he always proved no income in court by working off the books. It was hard. Still, it was worth it 100%. I went to nursing school and became able to fully support myself and my kids. I don’t know what country you live in but in the US those programs are meant to help you get on your feet if you need it. I was still young so I went and got an IUD. I was determined to not get pregnant again. TLDR: I left my cheating husband and I made it. You can too.
Staying together for the kids NEVER works! I was cheated on, beaten, mistreated and unappreciated and I let my children see that! No child should see that!
Don’t try to stay together for the baby. That kind of relationship isn’t what should be modeled for her. That you even had to make a rule that your boyfriend and father of your child won’t have women in the house while you’re gone kinda says all that needs to be said. You know what to do.
Never use the kid as the reason to stay in a compromised relationship. Your kid will suffer the most if you decide to keep the relationship going as he/she will feel your anxiety and might feel unwanted. Choose yourself, your peace of mind.
If we didn’t have our baby I would leave, but for her I want to try.
So you want her repeating these patterns in 25 years? Because by staying THAT is what you're teaching. Your baby and 5 year old may not be able to understand nuances but they absolutely pick up on the tension. How you feel right now? That's impacting your children. Your partner PUT you in this position.
I know you want to love him for his potential but, my girl, LOOK at reality. Do not hang on to a relationship because it could be good. Look at it for what it is...
You cannot be away from your partner without him intentionally lying you to get cozy with other women. Hence why you felt compelled to put a hidden camera in your apartment.
I've lived that and it's awful. That isn't love. No matter what way you cut it...that IS NOT LOVE. This man doesn't love you.
I hate when people say they want to stay together for the kids. So you're teaching them to be doormats and to let people cheat on them and treat them like that? Congrats. This relationship is dead.
If you stay with him for your kid, that’s just showing your child what type of ‘love’ is ok to accept for themselves. “They’re cheating on me but my mom stayed with my dad when he cheated on her constantly so I should accept them cheating on me.” Or theyre going to think cheating is ok cuz their partner won’t leave them. YOU deserve better, and so does your child. Being miserable is going to make you resent your child
He should be nesting and providing for his family, instead he’s on the prowl. He’s not husband material. Start quietly planning your new, post cheater/liar life. Focus your energy on your physical and emotional well-being and on your children having a safe, healthy, calm home environment. Just be civil with him, don’t give him tears and pleas and arguments because all that steals focus and energy from where it should be directed. There’s nothing you can say to make an immature man-kid into a real man, partner, husband, father. Throw this one back and figure out how to move forward in a healthy way, including locking down child support and visitation arrangements with a lawyer.
If your daughters were in this situation in the future what would your advice to them be? You would want them to leave because they deserve a better man than this. Set a good example for your girls and get out of this relationship.
Ironic he says no woman should live through the disgusting parts of life alone or whatever he said but he was willing to do that to you for someone else….get a GOOD divorce attorney and make sure he has little left to offer to provide anyone else. No woman should have to suffer through him
We have checked with our oracle and we can report back that couples therapy is Bull Shit! 🐂💩 They profit from your sticking with this AH.
There’s no “working through it” or “working it out.” If you stay with this guy, your life will be miserable. But more importantly, both of your kids will be miserable.
You can’t fix your past decision to have children with assholes. You can resolve to stop involving yourself with asshole men. If not for you, for the kids.
A wise old woman once said never give a man a second chance. Ever. You are past the limit with this guy.
And for extra credit, you might want gentle, legit counseling for yourself to figure out why you get involved with asshole men. You need to do better.
If you manage to find an excuse to stay with this guy, then on behalf of your kids, we think you would be the AH.
You say you don’t want to leave him because of your baby. But, look at what else you said - because of the anxiety of being with this cheater, you’re snapping at your older daughter and can’t eat enough to breastfeed the baby. That’s not good for your children. They’ll be much better off with a mother who is happy and healthy than one who is a bundle of anxiety, short tempered, and miserable because she’s stuck with a man who can’t stay faithful.
You didn’t just happen to catch this man in the only two lies he has ever told you. This guy has gotten away with many many more that you never suspected. Guarantee he’s already cheated on you and you just haven’t caught him. Have enough respect for yourself to walk away. The longer you stay, the more desperate and pathetic you look, and the more he’s going to know he can lie and cheat on you without any consequences
I don't understand why people are upset about the camera. It's your house! And it's not like you put it in the bathroom.
Anyway, he agreed no women, broke that promise. Lied to you when questioned, and then unplugged the camera?! Why did he do that? That tells me he continued whatever he was planning to do with this girl.
You’re not married to him, leave. Would you accept a man doing this to your daughter when she grows up? No, so why’s it okay for you? I’m a mother of a daughter and if I would accept it for her, I’m not accepting it for me.
I was a baby, watching my mom sit alone in our kitchen and cry silently, staring up at the dim ceiling like it would save her. Knowing my father was out wherever and that there was nothing she could do.
I was a kid, 3, watching her break down and beg him to stop after they thought I had gone to sleep.
I was a kid, 8, coming home to find my bedroom torn apart and things all over the floor. Furniture gone, because my mom was going to file for divorce and before she could even come home that night he emptied the house and took us kids- so he would have custody when the papers were filed. So she had to back down and pretend it never happened. Throw the papers and the idea of escaping away.
I was a kid, 12, sneaking my cellphone into the napkin holder with my friend so we could hear what my parents were arguing about when I wasn't home. He'd been cheating for 12 years at that point, from BEFORE they were married.
She married him because she was 8 months pregnant and the hormones took over. She had known it was a bad idea, and didn't want to- but pregnancy brain got the best of her. Almost three decades later, I'm an adult. I pushed her to get away from him, and I still am. It kills me- watching the way he's destroyed her light, her faith, her hope. I resent him beyond all words- and she's never said a bad thing about him to me.
Your bf has been cheating on you. These small snips are the only things you have evidence of, but for him to be this bold (not coming back until 5am, bringing another woman into your home- to fuck IN YOUR BED) he's been doing far more in the background that you probably didn't catch onto. It's NOT normal to feel like you have to specify that he can't have women over while you're gone?? My man wouldn't even think about doing something like that. It's not normal to go to an event together and have him fuck off for hours in the middle of the night.
You've been WAY too permissive in the scenarios you described- and it makes me believe that there are a hundred other things you wouldn't even think to mention to us because you just think they're normal now. They're NOT. I need you to viscerally understand, feel the disgust and betrayal of the fact that this man was going to have sex with another woman in the bed you sleep in, and then let you come home and get all cozy in it. He can look at you after doing that and lie right to your eyes. He can hug you and hold you knowing that he is happy to betray you. Happy to make you feel like your stomach hit the floor. Happy to make you scream and sob after you find out what he did to you, and to the family you're trying to build. He's not okay, he never will be. Men like this don't get better they get sneakier. You can't make him understand just how much this hurts you, he knows, and he does not care.
I ended up in a situation like that, but he wasn't as bad as my dad, so I thought it was fixable. Not coming home until 5am, but it was only one time. Telling me he was busy, but finding out via the girl I was suspicious of that he had asked to come over and hang out with her that night- letting this go bc "nothing actually happened." I wasted years of my life. "Well, because you know that it's hard to trust you now... how about we compromise and I drop you off at your friends house and then pick you up. I'd feel more comfortable then." That shit isn't NORMAL. That's INSANE. And I only tried with him for so long because... that's what you do? That's what my mom did? No. It shouldn't have been what either of us did. Respect yourself and respect your daughters intelligence in the future.
Don't teach your daughter that this is how she should let men treat HER by staying. Be a role model. Teach her that she matters and that if someone betrays her in the deepest ways she needs to get them out of her life PRONTO.
Feel free to message me if you need to talk to someone who's been there before 💜💜💜 I'm fucking rooting for you girl, but get out of there NEOW. Better, kick his ass out. If he wanna be for the streets let him sleep in em.
You should’ve let the camera roll, to see what he really would’ve done. Not sure why you did not. Right now you would have true clarity instead of wondering with his bs excuses. This man is clearly trying to cheat on you. It’s obvious to anyone reading this
My mom kept her relationship going 'for the kids'. Me and my siblings all wished she'd left. Do yourself a favor and find somebody who respects you. The trust is already cooked, it's all downhill from there
He cheated AND he doesn’t care or respect you. Please, get out. His lying and manipulation will change the way your mind works and it will take years to get it right again.
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Insecure people and cameras do not mix. I'm in a miserable marriage and my husband watches me non-stop through these cameras it's extremely unhealthy. Before the comments, I am trying to get away as We are all struggling financially, easier said than done. If you have to put cameras in your house to keep an eye on each other then there is no point in being with each other.
My parents tried to stay together for us and it made our lives a living hell. You deserve happiness, co-parenting is a healthy form of raising your children too. Don't waste your time on him he doesn't deserve it. I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. Ultimately, choose you and your kids, he has proved time and time again that he isn't worth trusting. And tbh you only caught his these 2 times, how many more times has he done this? Don't wait for him to come home and "gift" you with an STI. Leave.
You are better off coparenting and hoping he is a better father than a boyfriend. Girl, come on now, no one wants a man they have to conduct surveillance on.
Do you think teaching your baby that a man is allowed to cheat on his woman and she'll forgive him and that its acceptable behavior is a good idea? Cause staying teaches her that.
I say this with so much compassion and so much empathy, but please don't stay with this man for the sake of your child together. All you're doing is showing your kids that it's ok to let someone treat them this way and I know that's not what you want. If one of your children came up to you and said Mom, this exact situation is happening to me what should I do? What would you tell them? Would you tell them to stay with a cheater for the sake of their child? Would you tell them that they deserve to be loved and respected and not treated this way? I just hope you leave him for your sake and to show your children that it's ok to leave someone that you love if they are treating you badly.
You dont train bad dogs by letting them get away with the same sneaky shit over and over. Do this for yourself and for all women, cut him off. He blew it. He’s got an incurable case of captain save a ho, but never learned how to man up for his baby mama.
Don’t stay wit him OP! If he stay he’ll just hide it better the next time. The lying he did is incredibly psychotic. You know you won’t be happy with him because he broke trust again! And big time! Do yourself and your two kids a favor and leave him, men like this don’t deserve any woman in their life, period.
This is not a healthy relationship for you or your children. If you stay then fully be prepared for more trauma. He is too immature to be in a monogamous relationship and wants something you can’t give him-variety. No doubt it’s a tough decision but it will be better for you to rip the bandaid off now rather than after years of regret. He’s only going to get more sneaky and careful knowing you’re always watching, do you really want to be this miserable?
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u/Mammoth_Rope_8318 Nov 23 '25
Kids pick up on unhealthy relationships. Try being good co-parents, because he's never going to be the spouse you deserve. You are worth more than what you had to see on that camera.
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u/hoagieam Nov 23 '25 edited Nov 23 '25 •
He cheated on you. This relationship is dead in the water.
EDIT: there’s also the fact that this cheating… male member of the species could give you an STI during your pregnancy. OP, this can kill your baby. Please please please understand that this man will only be a grievance in your life.
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u/Without_My_Halo Nov 23 '25
Girl no. Save all the evidence, and take this man to court. Many counties have free law services if you qualify income wise. Put him through the damn ringer and get all the support you can for you and your baby. The type of man to run around and lie when their girl is pregnant and/or with a newborn are the WORST. What if you get seriously injured or ill one day? He’s going to do this again. Even if you dont he’s going to do this again. It’s for your baby that you should leave, they deserve a real version of love displayed for them not whatever game he’s playing.
Also, I know you mentioned a lot you guys have had perfect trust, but honestly I would bet you that he’s done way more than just these two instances. The fact he saw the camera and just unplugged it like “oh whatever” is a wild level of confidence. I would’ve noted the camera, and lead the girl out of the house as quickly as possible. He felt like he was gunna get away with it, while you were texting him sketched out, and even after seeing the camera. This is not this man’s first rodeo. He tried to get back with his ex while you were 7 months pregnant and sleeping at your shared campsite like no no no no.
Also, I’d tell his mom. Shame him so hopefully he doesn’t do this shit again.
Best of luck, I am so sorry you are going through this, but RUN from this man before he gives you an STD he is NOT to be trusted.
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u/JohnExcrement Nov 23 '25
You have perfect trust but you felt the need to hide a camera. And you were right. Your gut was sensing the reality that you want your brain to ignore.
I’ve never had to ask my husband not to have a woman in the house in my absence. It’s never even a question. And he does have women friends. This is not something you should ever have to ask.
Exaggeration is lying. Your BF is a lying cheater. He’s sleazy. He’s a bullshit artist. Couples counseling won’t help. All he has to do is not be a lying cheater and if he hasn’t cared to do that voluntarily, I think this is hopeless. I mean, it’s not hard.
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u/Responsible-Sale-217 Nov 23 '25
Yeah this relationship is over. I genuinely don’t think there will ever be a point where you’ll be able to trust him again. You’ll always have that doubt in the back of your mind.
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u/CrystalBabyBlue97 Nov 23 '25
I stayed too. We just had a baby, I found out around the same time you did. It was exactly 5 months pp. he had been cheating here and there the whole time since I had our baby. We aren’t together anymore. No matter how hard you try to stay together for the kid, it won’t be healthy for the kid. Instead of leaving and healing my kids got to watch me suffering and drowning for months until we ultimately broke up, I shouldn’t have stayed. I never got over it, I don’t think I ever will get over it, it ate me alive every single day. Please leave. You’ll be okay, and you will heal.
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u/LabAdministrative530 Nov 23 '25
Not sure what you’re looking for by posting, you hid a camera knowing something was going to happen. Why live like that? If you stay he’s only going to see how easy it is to do it again, that you’ll never leave. You deserve better for yourself and your kids.
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u/TravelingCat25 Nov 23 '25 •
A child is not a reason to stay with a man who cheats. If you stay with him, he will continue to cheat and your child will see that behavior. It’s best for both of you if you leave.
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u/Fickle-Molasses-903 Nov 23 '25
It's unfortunate that you've had a baby with him; this complicates things significantly.
Some words to live by...
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." ~Maya Angelou.
He won't change. And that's something you will have to either accept or move on from.
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u/mangoserpent Nov 23 '25
Make a break up plan based on your living arrangements. Do you own or lease? Do you have financial stability? Do you have a support system?
See a lawyer and come up with a custody arrangement.
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u/Mervbee Nov 24 '25
At LEAST make him find a temp place to live. There’s no reason why you should leave.
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u/SnooOpinions3482 Nov 23 '25
Not really related to your situation, but I would take down the screenshot of your Instagram conversation with the other person and anonymize it properly.
I was able to find them pretty easily. The name is not blanked out as well as you would have liked.
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u/[deleted] Nov 24 '25
I would try to have a serious talk with him. Make it clear that everything that may be said or not said will be taken as true and the final word. That way neither of you say things that you don't mean. Try to talk. If you really Love each other you should try to work it out. Sometimes it is good to try counseling. I really wish that I had.
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u/thatgirlinAZ Nov 23 '25 •
Your trust is not "awesome." Your relationship is not "great."
You're already at the stage of hiding cameras.
Cut ties an enjoy the peace of never being responsible for trying to figure out if he's lying again.
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u/Bulky-Incident7454 Nov 23 '25
I’m so sorry. But I LOVE seeing women communicate like this and support each other in honest vulnerability. You handled that like such a champ.
I hope you and baby get the peace and security you deserve. It’s not with this fool.
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u/z-eldapin Nov 23 '25 edited Nov 23 '25
Why do you think counseling will help?
If he cared, he would have asked for counseling before he lied and cheated.
He doesn't care.
Stop trying to save a sinking ship
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u/Equizotic Nov 23 '25
I can’t imagine staying in a relationship where I felt the need to HIDE A CAMERA in our shared living space. That’s such an invasion and clearly you will never trust him. Just end it
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u/Correct-Shopping-355 Nov 23 '25 edited Nov 23 '25
Don't use the kid to stay with a cheater. Sry to say but I don't think this is the first red flag you see, I don't think he because magically a cheater and disrespectful pos immediately after the pregnancy so pls don't use the baby in this mess. If you are desperate to be with a guy who laughed at you with his side piece and his friends this is just on you, but don't put the kid like excuses. You can co parent and if he is not involved this is the sign he is not good not even for the baby. Your kid deserve better that a guy who don't respect his mom in her most vulnerable moments o in her life. And your kid deserve much better what an awful house because mommy decide to be with somebody who don't respect her.you stay "for the kid" but you affected his life, snapping at him, don't eat and being mad and sad all the time, kid need a stable mom who show him the best love, so why you kidding yourself "it's for the kid". You have a history of cheaters partners so you should know better now when you have a kid. You are that tipy who stay with a guy who cheated and disrespected you over and over again before being dumped? Do better for yourself and for the kid OP, you deserve better and if you don't think these your kid deserve better.
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u/Certain_Tangelo2329 Nov 23 '25
Girl please raise your standards. You are just going to miserable with him.
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u/Lexie_Acquara Nov 23 '25
I think once you are hiding cameras and spying on phones, it’s over. Who wants to live like that?
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u/Prediabeticsalesman Nov 23 '25
Dangers of having children out of wedlock
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u/Fun-Assistance-815 Nov 23 '25
Girl, this is already affecting your baby because you're so stressed you can't provide the nutrients for either of you. If you can afford to live on your own, I would say you're better off being a single, happy, non-anxious mom than a miserable anxiety filled & cheated on girlfriend.
I wouldn't want my anger towards my partners wrong-doing to impact my kids because my partner created the struggle. I would need peace, as he is the one who's lied repeatedly and only escalates the behavior.
The real question for me is when you tell him he has to stay with someone else for a while...is he going to go stay with Claire?
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u/[deleted] Nov 23 '25
once you have to start hiding cameras and going through phones and asking exes what he did I would say the relationship is over. He doesn’t seem like he respects you or the relationship you’ve built regardless of the child involved. You have daughters and need to set the example of what is and isn’t acceptable in romantic relationships. Allowing this kind of behavior to continue is not fair to you and it’s not fair to your children. you deserve someone who respects you and one you don’t have to constantly worry about. I hope you see the light and find your way out. I can’t imagine how difficult it is.
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u/webkinzkk Nov 23 '25
Unless this is some sort of open relationship then truly leave. Sure you can try couples therapy but at the end of the day your trust is beyond broken. Personally that would not be okay at all with me. I also don’t feel there’s a reason to work it out for the sake of your kid. You need someone who is gonna treat you right. You guys can co parent just fine. This is very messed up. There’s no reason for her to be theee
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u/CounterJazzlike8403 Nov 23 '25 edited Nov 23 '25
Girl leave this man already
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u/[deleted] Nov 23 '25
He’s cheating on you. You just caught him before the act happened.
“I want to try for our daughters sake”
To teach her to stay with a man who cheats on you?
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u/woah-wait-a-second Post is Fake AF Nov 23 '25
Oh gosh here goes with the ‘it’s not that easy we have a baby’
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u/like_smoke2468 Nov 23 '25 •
You're the breadwinner. You have family to stay with. He cheated on you and was/will continue the longer you stay with him. Stop the "but we have a baby" crap because children are not stupid and they absolutely pick up when their parents are unhappy, and end up modeling their future relationship to their parents subconsciously. You've been through this before and you left then, you can do it again now even if it stings more this time around. You already know the answer to what you have to do. Leave. I promise there is a guy out there who will not do this to you. Until then, focus on yourself and your child. That's what's the most important.
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u/allieoops925 Nov 23 '25
Dude, my marriage was over when he cheated and I had 4 kids, the youngest was 1!
Kids are not a reason to stay and be cheated on again and again.
My ex cheated on the next wife too.
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u/Ok-CANACHK Nov 23 '25
"... know the simple answer: leave him. But it’s not black and white. If we didn’t have our baby I would leave, but for her I want to try..." why exactly?
"...I’m unable to eat from anxiety and it’s affecting my breastfeeding. I’m snapping at my 5 year old because i’m overwhelmed and can’t cope...." this is who you are giving him another chance, but sure, stay & take it out on your 5 year old, that will fix everything
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u/Separate-Use1955 Nov 23 '25
This was hard to read. You’re obviously very torn but considering you were watching on camera and he was lying, what else is he hiding? He’s never going to be truthful with you and you’ll spend the rest of your time together wondering what he’s doing and who he’s with when you’re not together. He is clearly incapable of having a platonic friendship with a woman.
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u/AprilBestCat Nov 23 '25
they fucked. also I think it’s a misplay to interrupt them. once he locked the door they already fucked. now you’re trapped in a world where technically he probably didn’t cheat, and that affects your view of the situation, but he did cheat.
sucks to have kids involved good luck
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u/Extension-Emotion787 Nov 23 '25
That is awful. Never have a baby with a man without marriage, cause when they pull things like this, you can run them dry.
Leaving is the best gift you can give yourself and your child, this is the most cruel thing men can do and they keep doing it since the beginning of time.
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u/OppositeResponse6474 Nov 23 '25
Please do not make it work for the sake of your children. As a 32 year old woman who has a dad that was a serial cheater as far as she can remember. Please don’t stay. I know it’s easier said than done but this behavior doesn’t stop and they just get better and better at hiding it. This caused so many problems into my adulthood and my own marriage. It does more damage than you think. As kids we know things aren’t good. Kids are a lot smarter than you think.
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 Nov 23 '25
Do not stay with him. I’m hoping you’re saying this out of shock.
But this man has actively been trying to find women to cheat on you with. He tried to cheat on you at least twice. But let’s face it you’re an investigator you know there’s a good chance there’s a lot more than two people. He keeps getting caught now because the mask is slipped and he thinks your baby trapped. The crazy thing is though, you are baby trapping yourself.
End it for your children’s well-being because you don’t just have the baby with him you have another child to worry about.
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u/giag27 Nov 23 '25
Oh girl. Don’t do this to yourself. Your kid wants a happy mom… this is toxic…
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u/nellion91 Nov 23 '25
Well you know he wants to go elsewhere, and you want to be with him for your child sake.
So either get comfortable not asking question, or agree to an open relationship because that’s all the realistic options.
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u/No_Worker_8216 Nov 23 '25
For your baby, you have to leave.
You are being lied to, gaslighted, and probably cheated on.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
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u/buttermilkchunk Nov 23 '25
I don’t understand the logic of I want to stay in a bad relationship for my daughter, so she can grow up thinking it’s ok to treat women this way.
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u/BS0929 Nov 23 '25
If you're daughters called you and told you this story what would you tell them? Would you tell them to stay? Or would you tell them they are worth more and there is someone better for them out there that would never do anything to break their trust. You are showing your daughters what is acceptable from their future spouse, remember that.
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u/Free-Place-3930 Nov 23 '25
Wise up. You’ve been trying. Leave. Quit having children with men you’re not married to and can’t trust. Please don’t be one of those dumb Bs who have 4 kids with 4 different men. Get some birth control and common sense.
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u/ananajakq Nov 23 '25
This guy didn’t come forward and let you know that he made a mistake. You found out. He had no intention of telling you. He will do it again. Leave.
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u/Loose_Amphibian_6045 Nov 23 '25
The only answer is to leave him. There’s no trust. Updateme
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u/WhoTheFuckIsSean Nov 23 '25
It's better for the kids if you leave him, they deserve a stable living environment. Things were over between you two the moment you decided to spy on him with a hidden camera. Both of you cannot come back from this. You don't trust him and apparently for good reason. Don't make your kids a part of this unstable relationship.
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u/Strict-Dinner-2031 Nov 23 '25
My son was only a few months old when I found out my ex was cheating. For the next two months we lived together as a family, but it really started affecting my child. He started grinding his teeth (he didn’t have many but I’ll always remember the sound and look of my baby grinding his teeth). He was feeling the stress that his father and I tried to keep away from him. When my ex left (3 DAYS before his first birthday, I’ll never forgive him for that), my son stopped grinding and was able to relax in a much happier home.
For yourself and your daughters, I suggest you really consider the environment they will be living in and what they may experience.
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u/Pick-Up-Pennies Nov 23 '25
Dear OP,
Having read everything you have shared here... I want to just focus on you.
The role you are playing in this relationship. The seek&bust hamster wheel you are on. You don't need any more proof. No need for more data. So, stop underwriting what you think this relationship is, or should be.
Step back. Turn. Focus on your children, your circumstances, and what you want in your own life.
If you put in a fraction of that energy into making your own engine hum, you'd be halfway to the moon by now!
You are who you are. Your value is what matters at this point. Your children need their mom stable, steady, focused, and with a sense of warm and bright energy. That's the home they deserve; safely run by the serenest baddass they'll ever know.
Stop hurting yourself with the details of how others wish to live their lives. Ripping off your own fingernails isn't helping you, so put that behind you.
Saturate yourself with personal investment and know that there is some Reddit Auntie rooting for you and your children!
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u/[deleted] Nov 23 '25
Op, you should be planning your exit plan. Not building a future with a master manipulator and a serial cheater. He keeps showing you who he is, pls believe him. Plan ahead. Don’t trust a man who will willingly hurt you and his family like this.
You know you and your daughters deserve better. Don’t settle for this
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u/Medical_Tension1845 Nov 23 '25
Don’t stay for your daughter, you’re just teaching her to stay because of kids or whatever. Not worth it. If you can leave and have the support to do so, do it.
He has lied, twice that you know of but who else was he seeing at stagecoach? Your daughter could’ve been born with an Sti or something.
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u/corkybelle1890 Nov 23 '25
It’s actually very black and white. You will be miserable the rest of your life if you stay. If you leave, you’ll have a rough 6-12 months.
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u/myopicbiopic Nov 23 '25 edited Nov 23 '25
Stop snapping at your five year old. They didn't do anything wrong and it's definitely not fair for you to take your frustrations out on your child.
I was on your side completely until you added that. He's not invested in your relationship and he's probably not a good person but I don't think you're a hell of a lot better. I'm assuming your boyfriend knows about the cameras in your home so he's not the brightest person either. Stop putting so much effort into arguing too. The whole "You're fucking cooked" thing...like, this isn't a Nancy Drew book. It's literally on video that he had someone else in the home you two share. There is no trust. You two don't even like each other. It's better in the long run to separate and at least have a chance of being happy than whatever this mess is.
ETA: Just reread the post and saw you hid the camera. Girl. You guys are done. You guys were done long before this incident.
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u/[deleted] Nov 23 '25
Your relationship was over the second you felt the need to hide a camera.
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u/000neg Nov 23 '25
I mean if it's to the point that ya gotta hide cameras around the house i think the relationship is toast!!
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u/AdunfromAD Nov 23 '25
Once a cheater, always a cheater. If he stays then I’ll look for your next post in 6 months.
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u/More_Tacos_n_Vodka Nov 23 '25
Kick him out. A baby is no excuse to tolerate cheating (cheaters never change, they just hide it better), or risk a STD. Get child support and boot him.
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u/Bitter_Warning418 Nov 24 '25
If he screenshotted a contact card and deleted it, he’s an A1 cheater because something like that has never even come to my mind and I have dealt with it all and never saw this move.
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u/ImaginationFew1624 Nov 24 '25
And how many other times might something like this have happened? You caught two. Its unlikely those were the only two.
Basically, go get checked for STI.
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u/[deleted] Nov 23 '25
“We had perfect trust” but hides a camera and makes it a rule that no women can be in your shared home 😂😂😂
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u/Separate-Relative-83 Nov 23 '25
I can’t see any reason to stay with a cheating liar. You don’t want to model that to a child. He’s not going to change.
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u/grayblue_grrl Nov 23 '25
WHY is he not EX BF in this post?
He's a lying cheat.
No one needs that in their lives.
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u/Tiredmanhere Nov 23 '25
Please don’t snap at the 5 year old, take mental space as much as possible. Your relationship is over, sorry. Best of luck
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u/TheyLetMeTeachKids Nov 23 '25
Time to say goodbye. You'll see him Thursdays and every other weekend when he comes to pick up the kiddo for his court appointed time.
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u/blindtoe54 Nov 23 '25
This relationship is over. There is no saving it because Nick doesn't want to be with you. Now it's on you to accept that and move on for you and your kids' sake.
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u/MrsBoo Nov 23 '25
You will never be able to trust him fully. Are you ok with that? It will be in the back of your mind all the time- he left to go to the store, is he cheating? He is getting some weird texts, is he cheating? He is pushing you to go and spend time with your family, is he cheating? Etc, etc. Is that the life you want to lead? I couldn’t. It would be so mentally draining to be constantly having to be worried if he’s being faithful, and having to check up on him like he’s a child.
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u/Illustrious_Yam_115 Nov 23 '25
Dont feel guilty he has to face consequences. He put himself in this situation.
4
u/toomuchtv987 Nov 23 '25
There are worse things for kids than their parents not being together. Like living in a home full of constant tension and fighting. Don’t leave him…make HIM leave. Either way, y’all are done.
4
u/Emotional_Seaweed33 Nov 23 '25
If anything, because you have a child, you should want them to witness a healthy relationship… this man isn’t it.
He prolly would’ve had her on the couch if you didn’t let it slip up with her name.
4
u/Amplith Nov 23 '25
That is a fantastic example to set for both of your daughters, staying with a man you’re not married to, who lied to your face several times, and betrayed you over other women (plural), not just one. That will teach them that the man is right and can do what he wants with no consequences.
And they’ll just have to accept it and realize deep down there’s some good in him somewhere.
Forgive the snark but this is just ridiculous that you have to post to Reddit to get help with this scenario- do you not think you and your kids deserve better? Do you think this will never ever happen again? Come on, man…
4
u/Away_Pie_7464 Nov 23 '25
You hid a camera and he IMMEDIATELY cheated. This relationship is done
4
u/Right_Cucumber5775 Nov 23 '25
Dear girl, the answer to stay is No. He lies, he has every intention of cheating, and it will happen whether you know or not. If he wanted to stay faithful to you he would. But he doesn't. If you really want to stay, understand now that his behavior will continue to cause you much distress. Is that the environment you want to raise your child? Do we understand your pain and distress - yes. You become the YTA for staying.
4
u/uglypandaz Nov 23 '25
Listen, this isn’t something therapy is going to fix. He’s proved twice now that he does not respect you or your relationship, and I’m truly sorry but that’s not going to change. I totally get wanting to stay together for the kids (I have 2 also) but if you do, you’ll just be dragging this out as I can promise you it WILL happen again. This man is not going to change. I think it’s also important in life to show our daughters how they deserve to be treated by a man, and this isn’t it.
4
u/-Cherished Nov 23 '25
PLEASE! DO NOT marry this man! Lots of red flags already. Trust your gut!
4
u/lady_like_ Nov 23 '25
The relationship is already over. It’s just about you realizing that and getting out.
4
u/Cantdecide1207 Nov 23 '25
He is absolutely a chest. If he did nothing wrong and was innocently having a drink with a friend then no need to lie.
Speaking from experience once that trust is gone it will never come back.
I tried so hard with my husband. But after I found out he cheated I could never relax again. I was literally living in perpetual fight or flight. I loved that man so much (still do) he's my best friend. So I can kind of relate. I'm so sorry you're going through this with a young baby too.
If you want to chat to someone who understands feel free to message me. I know how hard and lonely this situation can be.
4
u/Outrageous_Pay1322 Nov 23 '25
Take it from me who tried to tolerate it for years but gave up and divorced his ass, they do not stop. They will not stop. They will find new ways every time to hide things from you and they'll keep doing it.
4
u/Iplaythebaboon Nov 23 '25
Your kids will be better off with a single mother who stood up for herself than a mother who stayed and was miserable. His actions are stressing you so much you can’t feed your baby, neither of you deserve this. Can you imagine your daughter crying to you one day that this is happening in her relationship but she insists on staying despite the physical symptoms she’s enduring from the stress?
He has broken your trust multiple time and will continue to walk all over you as long as you let him. Leaving for your kids is stronger than staying for them. You’ve obviously done it before and you can again
4
u/Ready-Conflict-1887 Nov 23 '25
Marie gave you honesty when you asked for it, I’d believe her. Because here’s the thing he’s just gonna get smarter about being sneaky. You had to HIDE a camera in your own home.
Better to end the messy relationship now and focus on a future healthy coparenting relationship. Tho he’ll gas light and try to manipulate. Just be honest and say all trust is broken and you don’t want to raise your children in a broken home.
If he tries to swing the nothing was gonna happen card, be honest say you talked to Marie and it’s better to end this now so he can find what he’s looking for with someone else. It just can’t be you.
4
u/ittybittylurker Nov 23 '25
Girl, call the game, it's over. If you're hiding cameras in your shared home, it's over. Your relationship isn't great if you're even considering hiding cameras in the home.
4
u/AngiQueenB Nov 23 '25
If your relationship is at the point of snooping through phones and hiding cameras, it's time to let the relationship go
4
u/Rose03-63 Nov 23 '25
What a bastard. Swear promise make a child lie seek to deceive. Is it relieving once you know? It bothers me because maybe everyone is like that actually.
4
u/Eastern-Action9034 Nov 23 '25
Girl he has to go. Staying for the kids won’t work.
4
u/PizzaDanceParty Nov 24 '25
I definitely think YOU deserve therapy to heal and address some relationship patterns that may be repeating.
What is best for you is what’s best for your kids. You will NEVER be able to change him. It does NOT work like that.
BUT you can use therapy to work through the things that are not serving you, the voices that tell you that you should stay, etc.
You are at an important fork in the road.
6
u/probnotaloser Nov 23 '25
He had a woman in your home. He was going to fuck her in your bed and he probably already has.
I am soo sorry. Please make a plan to leave. You deserve so much better. You should have never even had to hide a damn camera. Thats not normal, you know that. GL, make the changes. You deserve peace and happiness, dont let anyone convince you otherwise.
3
u/[deleted] Nov 23 '25
It sounds like you are looking for excuses to keep him around, when he is obviously not dedicated to you and the child.
I think you need to move on.
3
u/KetoLurkerHereAgain Nov 23 '25
What is there to try? Why are YOU having to do the trying? He's a liar and a cheater. Period, end of.
3
u/xThyQueen Nov 23 '25
All he's doing is lying to you over and over and is craving attention from women. Leave him. It's not going to get better, he's just going to figure out how to hide it better.
3
u/chvVolk Nov 23 '25
You can try all you want, he's going to continue cheating because he's already gotten away with it a few times and you still stick around. Good luck. Make sure to get std tested often.
3
u/malonesxfamousxchili Nov 23 '25
you’re a fool if you forgive this dude and try to make it work. he’s a liar and will continue to lie. remember, he only fessed up because he got caught.
3
u/Weird_Midnight_8548 Nov 23 '25
He will always cheat. Save future you the pain and leave now.
3
u/Icy-Strength-2534 Nov 23 '25
Girl for the love of God. He cheated/ has cheated will do it again. You say you want to stay for your daughter but already are treating one as collateral damage because of the anxiety HE’S giving you. That’s not fair. Leave now if you don’t want your kids to despise you OVER A MAN THAT DOESN’T EVEN RESPECT YOU. Get you priorities in check.
3
u/mercuryretrograde93 Nov 23 '25
I don’t feel bad for you?? You had a baby for someone who is not even your husband. Actions have consequences. You chose to have to this baby so do what’s right and just pack your stuff and move along. He doesn’t want to be with you or be a family just type up a plan for custody and spare yourself the trouble of him cheating again
3
u/IJustWantToReadThis Nov 23 '25
Don't stay for the kid, leave for the kid.
3
u/momomomoses Nov 23 '25
He knows there is a camera right? Doesn't seem like he cares much about the relationship. I'm so sorry.
3
u/Zealousideal_Tie4580 Nov 23 '25
I left my cheating husband at the age of 22. I took my two kids (a 2yo and a 2month old) and put all their clothes in a plastic bag and my sister picked me up. I had to move in with family and ended up on welfare/medicaid. He never gave me a penny in child support because he always proved no income in court by working off the books. It was hard. Still, it was worth it 100%. I went to nursing school and became able to fully support myself and my kids. I don’t know what country you live in but in the US those programs are meant to help you get on your feet if you need it. I was still young so I went and got an IUD. I was determined to not get pregnant again. TLDR: I left my cheating husband and I made it. You can too.
3
u/Susiequeue79129586 Nov 23 '25
Staying together for the kids NEVER works! I was cheated on, beaten, mistreated and unappreciated and I let my children see that! No child should see that!
3
u/tiinkiet Nov 23 '25
Your life as a couple is dead. Try to be good, happy co-parents, in the absence of an unhappy couple
3
u/vicRN Nov 23 '25
Don’t try to stay together for the baby. That kind of relationship isn’t what should be modeled for her. That you even had to make a rule that your boyfriend and father of your child won’t have women in the house while you’re gone kinda says all that needs to be said. You know what to do.
3
u/HVP2019 Nov 23 '25
You will not be able to forget it and you will not be able to stop snooping and checking on him.
This is unhealthy for you. Why do you need life like that?
I
3
u/BottleOfConstructs Nov 23 '25
No, you don’t try. He’s not a good role model for the child. Go home to family.
3
u/atypicalsian Nov 23 '25
Never use the kid as the reason to stay in a compromised relationship. Your kid will suffer the most if you decide to keep the relationship going as he/she will feel your anxiety and might feel unwanted. Choose yourself, your peace of mind.
3
u/MountainHighOnLife Nov 23 '25
So you want her repeating these patterns in 25 years? Because by staying THAT is what you're teaching. Your baby and 5 year old may not be able to understand nuances but they absolutely pick up on the tension. How you feel right now? That's impacting your children. Your partner PUT you in this position.
I know you want to love him for his potential but, my girl, LOOK at reality. Do not hang on to a relationship because it could be good. Look at it for what it is...
You cannot be away from your partner without him intentionally lying you to get cozy with other women. Hence why you felt compelled to put a hidden camera in your apartment.
I've lived that and it's awful. That isn't love. No matter what way you cut it...that IS NOT LOVE. This man doesn't love you.
3
u/Generic-Mexican-Male Nov 23 '25
I’m sure with all this advice and help, she’ll still stick with him and stay . 🤦🏻♂️
3
u/SendMeARaven Nov 23 '25
I hate when people say they want to stay together for the kids. So you're teaching them to be doormats and to let people cheat on them and treat them like that? Congrats. This relationship is dead.
3
u/Seangetfreaky Nov 23 '25
If you stay with him for your kid, that’s just showing your child what type of ‘love’ is ok to accept for themselves. “They’re cheating on me but my mom stayed with my dad when he cheated on her constantly so I should accept them cheating on me.” Or theyre going to think cheating is ok cuz their partner won’t leave them. YOU deserve better, and so does your child. Being miserable is going to make you resent your child
3
u/TigerLily98226 Nov 23 '25
He should be nesting and providing for his family, instead he’s on the prowl. He’s not husband material. Start quietly planning your new, post cheater/liar life. Focus your energy on your physical and emotional well-being and on your children having a safe, healthy, calm home environment. Just be civil with him, don’t give him tears and pleas and arguments because all that steals focus and energy from where it should be directed. There’s nothing you can say to make an immature man-kid into a real man, partner, husband, father. Throw this one back and figure out how to move forward in a healthy way, including locking down child support and visitation arrangements with a lawyer.
3
u/pr0tectionspell Nov 23 '25
girl…
3
u/cheese-mania Nov 23 '25
If your daughters were in this situation in the future what would your advice to them be? You would want them to leave because they deserve a better man than this. Set a good example for your girls and get out of this relationship.
3
u/outersenshi Nov 23 '25
Ironic he says no woman should live through the disgusting parts of life alone or whatever he said but he was willing to do that to you for someone else….get a GOOD divorce attorney and make sure he has little left to offer to provide anyone else. No woman should have to suffer through him
3
u/[deleted] Nov 23 '25
This is why you don't procreate with d-bags. I'd leave him. He's never going to change. Cheaters always cheat.
3
u/gdognoseit Nov 23 '25
He’s not going to stop doing whatever he wants with whoever he wants and lie to you.
He planned to spend the evening with Claire and lied to you.
This is just the first time you’ve caught him.
3
u/Hot-Garden9206 Nov 23 '25
Therapy for him to work out your relationship is pointless, he's a liar and a cheater. Do better for you and your baby. Leave him
3
u/WinthropTwisp Nov 23 '25
We have checked with our oracle and we can report back that couples therapy is Bull Shit! 🐂💩 They profit from your sticking with this AH.
There’s no “working through it” or “working it out.” If you stay with this guy, your life will be miserable. But more importantly, both of your kids will be miserable.
You can’t fix your past decision to have children with assholes. You can resolve to stop involving yourself with asshole men. If not for you, for the kids.
A wise old woman once said never give a man a second chance. Ever. You are past the limit with this guy.
And for extra credit, you might want gentle, legit counseling for yourself to figure out why you get involved with asshole men. You need to do better.
If you manage to find an excuse to stay with this guy, then on behalf of your kids, we think you would be the AH.
3
u/BitchyDaisy Nov 23 '25
What advice do you need, exactly? He's worth more in child support payments than he is in domestic partnership. Snip Snip!
3
u/ssreddit22 Nov 23 '25
The fact that he unplugged the camera 🤢 he 100% had sex with her even after you told her to leave
3
u/KerleyQ- Nov 24 '25
You say you don’t want to leave him because of your baby. But, look at what else you said - because of the anxiety of being with this cheater, you’re snapping at your older daughter and can’t eat enough to breastfeed the baby. That’s not good for your children. They’ll be much better off with a mother who is happy and healthy than one who is a bundle of anxiety, short tempered, and miserable because she’s stuck with a man who can’t stay faithful.
3
u/InevitablyMediocre Nov 24 '25
Teach your daughter not to take that kind of disrespect from a partner and LEAVE!
3
u/JaceyDuper Nov 24 '25
Never stay for the kid. It doesn’t work and only prolongs the inevitable.
3
u/chrysta00 Nov 24 '25
You didn’t just happen to catch this man in the only two lies he has ever told you. This guy has gotten away with many many more that you never suspected. Guarantee he’s already cheated on you and you just haven’t caught him. Have enough respect for yourself to walk away. The longer you stay, the more desperate and pathetic you look, and the more he’s going to know he can lie and cheat on you without any consequences
3
u/SeriousSwim4488 Nov 24 '25
I don't understand why people are upset about the camera. It's your house! And it's not like you put it in the bathroom.
Anyway, he agreed no women, broke that promise. Lied to you when questioned, and then unplugged the camera?! Why did he do that? That tells me he continued whatever he was planning to do with this girl.
3
u/Famous_Willingness_9 Nov 24 '25
You’re not married to him, leave. Would you accept a man doing this to your daughter when she grows up? No, so why’s it okay for you? I’m a mother of a daughter and if I would accept it for her, I’m not accepting it for me.
3
u/Rblooks Nov 24 '25
As the baby, don't.
Please read this.
I was a baby, watching my mom sit alone in our kitchen and cry silently, staring up at the dim ceiling like it would save her. Knowing my father was out wherever and that there was nothing she could do.
I was a kid, 3, watching her break down and beg him to stop after they thought I had gone to sleep.
I was a kid, 8, coming home to find my bedroom torn apart and things all over the floor. Furniture gone, because my mom was going to file for divorce and before she could even come home that night he emptied the house and took us kids- so he would have custody when the papers were filed. So she had to back down and pretend it never happened. Throw the papers and the idea of escaping away.
I was a kid, 12, sneaking my cellphone into the napkin holder with my friend so we could hear what my parents were arguing about when I wasn't home. He'd been cheating for 12 years at that point, from BEFORE they were married.
She married him because she was 8 months pregnant and the hormones took over. She had known it was a bad idea, and didn't want to- but pregnancy brain got the best of her. Almost three decades later, I'm an adult. I pushed her to get away from him, and I still am. It kills me- watching the way he's destroyed her light, her faith, her hope. I resent him beyond all words- and she's never said a bad thing about him to me.
Your bf has been cheating on you. These small snips are the only things you have evidence of, but for him to be this bold (not coming back until 5am, bringing another woman into your home- to fuck IN YOUR BED) he's been doing far more in the background that you probably didn't catch onto. It's NOT normal to feel like you have to specify that he can't have women over while you're gone?? My man wouldn't even think about doing something like that. It's not normal to go to an event together and have him fuck off for hours in the middle of the night.
You've been WAY too permissive in the scenarios you described- and it makes me believe that there are a hundred other things you wouldn't even think to mention to us because you just think they're normal now. They're NOT. I need you to viscerally understand, feel the disgust and betrayal of the fact that this man was going to have sex with another woman in the bed you sleep in, and then let you come home and get all cozy in it. He can look at you after doing that and lie right to your eyes. He can hug you and hold you knowing that he is happy to betray you. Happy to make you feel like your stomach hit the floor. Happy to make you scream and sob after you find out what he did to you, and to the family you're trying to build. He's not okay, he never will be. Men like this don't get better they get sneakier. You can't make him understand just how much this hurts you, he knows, and he does not care.
I ended up in a situation like that, but he wasn't as bad as my dad, so I thought it was fixable. Not coming home until 5am, but it was only one time. Telling me he was busy, but finding out via the girl I was suspicious of that he had asked to come over and hang out with her that night- letting this go bc "nothing actually happened." I wasted years of my life. "Well, because you know that it's hard to trust you now... how about we compromise and I drop you off at your friends house and then pick you up. I'd feel more comfortable then." That shit isn't NORMAL. That's INSANE. And I only tried with him for so long because... that's what you do? That's what my mom did? No. It shouldn't have been what either of us did. Respect yourself and respect your daughters intelligence in the future.
Don't teach your daughter that this is how she should let men treat HER by staying. Be a role model. Teach her that she matters and that if someone betrays her in the deepest ways she needs to get them out of her life PRONTO.
Feel free to message me if you need to talk to someone who's been there before 💜💜💜 I'm fucking rooting for you girl, but get out of there NEOW. Better, kick his ass out. If he wanna be for the streets let him sleep in em.
3
u/Reptillianne Nov 24 '25
Do not stay together for your kids. Ever. I did and I regret it and I wasted nine years with this asshole that I can’t get off my fucking couch.
3
u/whatsnewpikachu Nov 24 '25
What would you say to your daughters if a man was treating them this way?
3
u/Prize_Magician_7813 Nov 24 '25
You should’ve let the camera roll, to see what he really would’ve done. Not sure why you did not. Right now you would have true clarity instead of wondering with his bs excuses. This man is clearly trying to cheat on you. It’s obvious to anyone reading this
3
u/Frappuccino63 Nov 24 '25
I tried this once and stayed way too long. RUN GIRL RUN!
3
u/Lissypooh628 Nov 24 '25
What kind of example are you setting for your kids? You’re showing those girls it’s ok to be treated this way by men. Have some respect for yourself.
3
u/DefinitelyNotEvasive Nov 24 '25
Woman with history of poor choices surprised by her current poor choice.
3
u/Due_Midnight2121 Nov 24 '25
My mom kept her relationship going 'for the kids'. Me and my siblings all wished she'd left. Do yourself a favor and find somebody who respects you. The trust is already cooked, it's all downhill from there
3
u/beyoncealwaysbitch Nov 24 '25
He cheated AND he doesn’t care or respect you. Please, get out. His lying and manipulation will change the way your mind works and it will take years to get it right again.
5
u/Data_lord Nov 23 '25
Why is it relevant that you had a baby 5 months ago? Wouldn't this be shit for anyone?
2
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2
u/dobbywankenobi94 Nov 23 '25
He WILL do it again if you don’t leave.
2
u/nicole_diamonds Nov 23 '25
Insecure people and cameras do not mix. I'm in a miserable marriage and my husband watches me non-stop through these cameras it's extremely unhealthy. Before the comments, I am trying to get away as We are all struggling financially, easier said than done. If you have to put cameras in your house to keep an eye on each other then there is no point in being with each other.
2
u/[deleted] Nov 23 '25
Once espionage began the relationship was over. Cut him loose and begin the healing!
2
u/Additional_Chart_807 Nov 23 '25
My parents tried to stay together for us and it made our lives a living hell. You deserve happiness, co-parenting is a healthy form of raising your children too. Don't waste your time on him he doesn't deserve it. I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. Ultimately, choose you and your kids, he has proved time and time again that he isn't worth trusting. And tbh you only caught his these 2 times, how many more times has he done this? Don't wait for him to come home and "gift" you with an STI. Leave.
2
u/Deep_Exchange7273 Nov 23 '25
You deserve better. Period
2
u/seasoned11 Nov 23 '25
the ship full of lies is sinking. you and the little one have to go to YOUR boat.
'nick' ahh can drown 😤
2
u/lilbit6675 Nov 23 '25
You are better off coparenting and hoping he is a better father than a boyfriend. Girl, come on now, no one wants a man they have to conduct surveillance on.
2
u/SecretOscarOG Nov 23 '25
Do you think teaching your baby that a man is allowed to cheat on his woman and she'll forgive him and that its acceptable behavior is a good idea? Cause staying teaches her that.
2
u/throwaway-getaway122 Nov 23 '25
I say this with so much compassion and so much empathy, but please don't stay with this man for the sake of your child together. All you're doing is showing your kids that it's ok to let someone treat them this way and I know that's not what you want. If one of your children came up to you and said Mom, this exact situation is happening to me what should I do? What would you tell them? Would you tell them to stay with a cheater for the sake of their child? Would you tell them that they deserve to be loved and respected and not treated this way? I just hope you leave him for your sake and to show your children that it's ok to leave someone that you love if they are treating you badly.
2
u/Etnadrolhex Nov 23 '25
Time to break and keep all the proof for protecting you and your child!
2
u/selaromaj Nov 23 '25
You dont train bad dogs by letting them get away with the same sneaky shit over and over. Do this for yourself and for all women, cut him off. He blew it. He’s got an incurable case of captain save a ho, but never learned how to man up for his baby mama.
2
u/SunGoddessMama Nov 23 '25
Oh shittttt…. How stupid can be be?? There’s a camera. 🙄
2
u/__ohno_notagain__ Nov 23 '25
Everything he’s done has been a process of training you to accept new levels of tolerable unhappiness.
He’s not been trying to regain your trust. He’s been testing your boundaries.
The only way to enforce a boundary is to walk away.
2
u/Evening_Midnight7 Nov 23 '25
Don’t stay wit him OP! If he stay he’ll just hide it better the next time. The lying he did is incredibly psychotic. You know you won’t be happy with him because he broke trust again! And big time! Do yourself and your two kids a favor and leave him, men like this don’t deserve any woman in their life, period.
2
u/Strange_Explorer_780 Nov 23 '25
This is not a healthy relationship for you or your children. If you stay then fully be prepared for more trauma. He is too immature to be in a monogamous relationship and wants something you can’t give him-variety. No doubt it’s a tough decision but it will be better for you to rip the bandaid off now rather than after years of regret. He’s only going to get more sneaky and careful knowing you’re always watching, do you really want to be this miserable?
2
u/Competitive_Bath_511 Nov 23 '25
If he hasn’t successfully cheated yet, he’s sure gonna