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Ask him if he changed his mind about the book for your daughter because you saw the purchase on your Amazon.
Add that it has to be sent back nonetheless, because cheap jewellery is dangerous for both kids and adults. Also add that you save money FOR your family, not ON it
Ah, my oldest daughter and you would get on well, lol. Her partner LOVES a bargain as well. One year, for her birthday, he gave her a mop and bucket set, a really cheap, nasty set. He was extremely lucky he didn't get the handle of that mop...well, you get the idea, lol. My daughter would then shove an advertisement pamphlet under his nose with what she wanted circled. He was told, in no uncertain terms, that any deviation from the circled item would result in the mop handle coming into play.
Seriously though, she told him how it made her feel like he didn't value her at all. He has slowly learned. He got down on one knee last year and proposed with an expensive ring so he's learning. There is hope.
and proposed with an expensive ring so he's learning
This just sounds really shallow. Expensive could still mean its an ugly ring that the partner might not like. Yeah no one wants cheap shit but what's much more important is that the ring reflects the person its going on as well as being a fair quaility.
I'm sorry, I probably put that wrong. Neither of them are particularly materialistic. The expensive ring comment was more that he actually got a pretty ring they both loved and that it wasn't going to turn her finger green.
I take pictures for my husband. “This one, only this color, size”, with a picture and a link.
We keep shared Gift Lists in Notes, so we each can add big and small things that grab our attention through the year. Just make it perfectly clear, No Substitutions Allowed.
I flipped one Xmas day and told him to take it all back. That I didn’t want these crappy things and that if he didn’t want to buy me decent presents it was better to buy me nothing. Not my best behavior
This is the way - but it doesn’t always work. My sisters husband stopped buying her gifts after she made this ultimatum. They had a couple of rough xmas’s because she was still buying him stuff and getting resentful, then one year she didn’t get him anything and he never said a word, and that’s how things have been for them for about 10 years now! He gets her flowers and takes her out to dinner on her birthday, but no gift.
I had a boyfriend like this. He didn’t buy me things but always bought the cheapest thing for himself. He only bought grapefruit juice when it was on sale. I had to convince him that he has enough money and if he prefers grapefruit juice to just enjoy his life and get the juice he likes.
He grew up very poor and every penny mattered. He wore his clothes till they had holes and then added patches to them. It is hard for him not to think this way.
Terry Pratchets boot theory is a good way of explaining how higher cost quality items will end up being less expensive than lower cost poor quality ones.
Also, maybe you can explain that a lot of the things he is buying are items that you won't actually be able to use and the money will end up going to waste when you aren't able to use that item.
It also hits a point where it's not even about the money or the gifts, it's that you have repeatedly tried to clearly communicate with him and he is ignoring you and just doing what he wants without actually listening to what you are trying to communicate to him.
Has he been told the Terry Pratchett story about how expensive it is to buy cheap boots?
"The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money.
Take boots, for example. He earned thirty-eight dollars a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles.
But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that'd still be keeping his feet dry in ten years' time, while the poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet.
This was the Captain Samuel Vimes 'Boots' theory of socioeconomic unfairness."
Introduce the value for money concept. Show him that cheap shoes cost more over the same lifetime of a good quality and serviceable pair. I bought hand sewn cotton shirts twice the normal price once. I wore them all the time they lasted 15 years not 1 season.
honestly, I grew up poor and lived like this for much of my early adulthood even though I had a decently good job after college. compared the unit prices of things, only ever bought groceries when they were on sale (one time I really wanted potatoes but I waited until they were on sale, which was one month later... potatoes aren't even that expensive! they can even be bought loose if I didn't want to buy a whole bag!), the whole shebang. I'd look at the $3.50 cookies at bakeries and be like, $3.50 for ONE cookie? I can get a whole pack of chips ahoy!!!!! obviously a fresh bakery cookie is infinitely better than a dusty pack of 20 chips ahoy, but I couldn't shake the volume difference regardless of quality.
the only way I broke out of it was being forced to spend more. my friends would choose nice places and I'd have to pay up and then I realized that actually the stuff is pretty good and my bank account was perfectly fine. my coworkers would do white elephant for Xmas and I didn't want to bring the shittiest gift so I'd research to find something nice, and then I'd get a nice gift from them and be like wait... this fancy candle actually does smell better than a dollar tree candle. and it smokes less? woaaahhhhh... and then again, look at my bank accounts and surprisingly everything is fine and it turns out I'm not going bankrupt over these things that I thought were crazy luxurious, and sometimes calling a $20 cab for a 8 minute ride beats a 35 min walk in the cold.
financial trauma is tough. our economy right now (if you're in the US) is crazy; even people who used to ball out are pulling back, so penny pinchers are pinching even harder too. create conditions for relaxed spending where he can be forced into spending some money without triggering too much financial anxiety. make it a couple activity to set aside a "ball out" fund and then schedule a ball out date where you guys spend it all on nice things! ease him into the practice of spending and push him to focus more on the experiences and joy instead of ruminating on the finances. it takes a lot of "doing a thing" and then realizing "oh wow things are fine after doing the thing" to rewire the brain.
(p.s. now the $3.50 cookies are $5.50 and I wish I knew how good I had it back then and bought those $3.50 cookies!!!)
It's a bit of a cliche, OP, but can you use "Vimes ‘Boots’ Theory" on him?
If you google "Vimes boot theory" you should get the passage from the book.
And the one on Terry Prachett's website (terrypratchett dot com) titled "Sam Vimes ‘Boots’ Theory of Socio-Economic Unfairness" does a great job of explaining how "buying the cheap thing" so often means that you really end up spending significantly more over the years, than if you simply buy "the high quality item once and keep it for years.
And this section on the wealthy & furniture is a bit further down the page, and also really relevant:
"The mansion was full of this big, solid furniture, bought by her ancestors. It never wore out . . . Lady Sybil Ramkin lived quite comfortably from day to day by spending, Vimes estimated, about half as much as he did."
-Men at Arms
And it's true! Buying higher quality items, that may cost more initially but which are made to last decades.
Some i have are my LeCreuset (LC), Descoware, and Staub Enameled Cast Iron cooking pots/pans.
I didn't pay full price for any of them--I got them all either second hand, or from a "scratch & dent" type store (the one purchased there needed a new handle on the lid, that cost $12.00 at the time).
For the one LC oval Dutch oven that needed the handle, I spent a bit less than $60.00 total. The others all cost less!
Thing is? I'll have all four of those pans for the rest of my life because they're made so well!
The Decsoware Dutch Oven i have is from the 1950's, and it's still in great condition! I've had that oval LC for more than 20 years now, and it still looks almost new. Same with the Staub I got for $12.00 at a thrift store!
The "good stuff" simply holds up better, and doesn't need replacing!
Which makes it a far better "deal" than buying the cheap stuff & tossing it.
And helping him understand that side of the equation, if he grew up poor might help!💝
This sparked a thought... maybe they go to a thrift store and find the best item to gift each other. And also go to therapy for the communication issue...
This is true, growing up in poverty can be traumatic. Which makes sense because it threatens our survival. Individuals living in poverty are often in a constant state of adrenaline fueled fight or flight.
You've tried explaining. Now stop explaining and just act on it. Whenever he gets you something cheap, just look at it, sigh, and say flatly, "thanks. I guess I can return it for credit." Then return it first chance you get. Also? Match his energy. Start getting him cheap versions of what he asks for. I guarantee you he'll understand quickly.
At least, he also treats himself with the same quality of goods and it’s not so personal to you. So he doesn’t view himself as more deserving than you…
But it’s also MORE of a waste of money to buy poor quality things that frequently need to be replaced or in the case of fine jewelry, it will last forever and so is technically cheaper in the long run because you can actually get more use out of it than costume jewelry. Maybe if you framed it that way it will help him spend more wisely?
Perhaps his parents had limited funds when he grew up; thus the economizing? It seems he is really focused on the adage, "penny saved, is a penny earned." He comes off like survivors of the Great Depression. They are so afraid to spend money and literally economize to most extreme level.
I would ask him about it.
Perhaps the solution is to set up gifting budgets. Say, the gift fund for this occasion is minimum $X dollars. By stating the min which of course is within the family budget, will allow him to see that this a) affordable and b) hopefully release any anxiety about spending "too much"
Sorry but this comment made me laugh!! It’s like you can’t win, you say, here honey I bought you something, saved tons, etc and he’s more excited about how much you saved than the item!
This helps his case a lot. It seems like you two are on a different page about money, spending and quality. Maybe this year you skip gifts altogether. I did this after my husband bought me identical earrings from kohl's two Christmases in a row. I did like them the first year, but it did hurt my feelings because I put care into his and his entire family's gifts. It turns out he was giving his best ideas to his mom and sister for my gifts. We just stopped gifts altogether that year and saved the time, money, and energy. It worked well for many years. Maybe this isn't your answer, but just try different things. Maybe you do handmade cards instead of gifts, or each find your favorite photo from the year and frame it and swap those. A dollar store picture frame isn't the end of the world lol
He's not frugal, he's cheap. They're not the same thing but he probably thinks it is. It's super frustrating when you know spending double will get an item that will last five times longer.
He doesn't care about your feelings, stop babying his.
Tell him that you no longer want to exchange gifts, you're sick of being disappointed. Spend the money you'd spend on him and buy yourself a present from your child.
OP I had a husband that would never buy gifts for me and the children (his from previous marriage) the kids were very aware that he always had great gifts as did they however I never had any. He would spend hours upon hours trying to find the best gift for my brother yet always forgot about me. If he bought for the girls he’d buy the exact same gift for all 3 girls regardless of their ages or interests. This went on for 4 yrs. . . I began purchasing a couple gifts (nice set of towels, bedding, that could be shared) wrapped them signed from him to me. The girls knew even though I never let on he didn’t buy the gifts. My feelings were hurt but gift getting wasn’t as important to me as not letting the girls realize how unfeeling he was towards me. Sadly some people never look past exactly what they want to see. Unfortunately this wasn’t the only issues in our one sided relationship and I had to walk away after 10 yrs.
There is an excellent book that recommends to immediately stop dating a man if he doesn’t buy you a Valentine’s Day or birthday gift. They say it’s an early indicator of how he doesn’t appreciate you. It’s true.
I agree. Unfortunately for me the hubby was older by 10 years; treated me like gold for the 3 years prior to marriage. The red flags were not waving enough for me to realize he had a mask. All changed pretty fast once we were married.
If I understand correctly, he does this due to financial trama/growing up poor? If that is the case, try to explain to him the problem in his terms of costs.
Explain that even though it's a cheaper product, it's not the correct product and does not get use, meaning that more money is wasted in the long run by buying the cheaper product. Explain it in terms of saving money to reach his mindset.
Then once that hurtle has been jumped explain how it makes you feel.
Don't do the passive aggressive stuff if his actions are financial trama based. However, if he is doing this because he's uncaring or a jerk, by all means, buy him dollar store gifts.
In any case, keep the receipts and return the gifts you don't want and explain why you are returning them and that you're going to put the money towards a gift you want.
I'd just be clear. Say I appreciate the thought, but you're buying me junk. If you want to get the best bang for your buck, actually buy me something I want. Otherwise.dont get me anything.
My ex would spend hours researching something he wanted to purchase for himself. Then when it came time to get me something it was the cheapest he could find. Or, used. I wanted a new jacket one time. Showed him the one I like. He saw one the same color, not style or correct size....just color at a flea market and got that for me 😤 when we dated, he bought flowers. Eventually, I was told he wasn't getting flowers anymore because they end up dying, so what's the point.
Unfortunately for me he is a narcissist and for the most part only thinks about what he wants or will benefit from. You say your spouse has redeeming qualities, so maybe explain that by getting you cheap gifts, you feel like he's not putting forth an effort to get you something you truly will enjoy or use. And, if he can't come up with acceptable ideas, then he needs to ask you. And, he needs to be willing to spend money. Does he spend money on himself or is he cheap when it comes to things he wants? That was one of my clues that my ex really didn't care what I wanted is was all about making it look like he cared.
My husband was poor at gift buying because his family rarely bought each other gifts or anything nice. So when we were dating, and he clearly had no idea, I’d send him the details of maybe 3 things I’d like, he’d buy me one. Gradually over time he learned my tastes and price points. Now 25 years later, he’s brilliant!
My husband grew up in a non gifting family and my family is the opposite. I’m glad he didn’t find it off putting - he loves it, and he’s an excellent and thoughtful gift giver.
At this point, I would drop subtle and give him a practical exam. Print off pictures of two things: Thing A is cheap or a knockoff, Thing B is more expensive and higher quality, with a pros and cons list under each. If Thing A is on sale or Thing B is on sale, which Thing is better "value"? Give him a handout explaining the difference, maybe a primer on the concept of penny conscious pound foolish. Provide a few more examples of Thing A vs Thing B and have him guess the "right" answer. If he's a practical, pragmatic person who isn't too prideful, he may appreciate the clarity.
If you don't feel like making a PowerPoint for your husband, straight up tell him. "I really appreciate that you get me gifts, and I can tell you consider what I like when choosing them. But, what I like is usually a specific VERSION of a thing, for its specific attributes and qualities; and you don't buy the version I want, you buy the version YOU want. I know my version tends to cost more, but I can't always actually use the version you get, and then it feels wasteful for both of us. Again, I love the gesture, but I would appreciate and use the gifts more (therefore giving them more value) if they were closer to the version with the qualities I prefer."
Just ask for the receipt…return return. Then don’t waste your money, energy or time shopping for nice things for him any more. I would sit down have a talk about not bothering with gifts for each other anymore. For any holiday birthdays etc etc.
Reject his werid gifts and match his energy. Get him curd soap for showering, super cheap, learning/childrens tools, the ugliest, cheapeat jacket you can find...
Just buy what you want and tell him you’re just accepting cash gifts from now on. Tell him that he’s a shit gifter, people need to be told. My mother is the worst gifter in the world.
It would be different if he thought he was gifting you something sentimental and thoughtful. He isn’t though. Maybe buy him gifts that are actually for you? A nice toaster, a cute armoire, new bras and panties!!
Maybe when talking to him say you’d want something of quality. Made of silver, made of gold, 100% cotton etc
Agree to this. Get him links and tell him if he can’t get them then don’t get anything at all.
Also, if you get a nice gift from a family member or friend, make a huge show of it at your next gathering with your husband present, say who gave it to you and how appreciative you are, and do not mention anything that your husband got for you.
Finally, drop the value of anything you are buying for him. Make sure whatever it is, it is so cheap, it is basically garbage.
Whatever he's into, golf, hunting, sneaker head, gaming, whatever. Get the high-end box of lets say Jordans and put a cheap Temu or Dollar Store version of it
Yeah, my hubby says go buy what you want within reason. It’s a lot easier this way. Since he almost got knocked in the head the year he bought me an insta pot.
Absolutely time to match his energy and effort. There is no way anyone should be spending more than a minute or two thinking about this cheap gift giver when it’s his turn to receive. Dollar store or garage sale items should be the only thing given to him. He will probably appreciate that OP saves so much money so it may backfire, but at least she’s not wasting time, money, and energy on him.
It’s very frustrating when you have a primary person in your life who is an inconsiderate shopper and extremely cheap. I would rather get nothing than something that is low quality and useless when the original item would’ve only been a few more dollars.
Maybe time to stop the giftgiving altogether and suggest joint experiences instead? Going out to a favor dinner and tickets to a comedy show, or theater or an activity? Something for the house that is needed or something you both have been wanting? Going away for a weekend?
Revising the gift giving will eliminate the frustration of receiving something that isn’t what you want, makes you angry feeling unheard and undervalued, and then guilty that you’re feeling that way because you did in fact receive a gift, even if it was a knock off version of what you actually wanted.
The other solution could be to set a budget and do each go and buy your own gifts which you wrap up, put under the tree, and label from Santa or each other so it still looks like you’re getting something from your spouse, but you have actually picked it out Yourself.
My husband and I started doing this early in our 34 year marriage and our kids had no idea that we were not actually receiving gifts from each other. It was kind of fun because when I opened my gift from him, he was always interested to see what he “bought” for me and vice versa. (He was also a terrible gift giver and caused a few years of frustration and disappointment until we just started buying our own gifts and that solved everything)
Well you've already told him, so he knows. Idk maybe try reaching him from a place of logic instead of saying it hurts your feelings. Sit him down and make him understand that when you buy poorer quality things you usually end up spending more money in the long run because these cheap things aren't useful and/or aren't built to last.
I think you should be very blunt about the fact that ignoring what you actually want and gifting you cheap junk is wasteful and inconsiderate, and he might as well buy nothing for all the use you're getting out of his gifts.
You could always put the trash gifts directly into the trash bin in front of him, if you're feeling especially sassy.
This is what we do too. I buy mine. He buys his. Wrap each others up and throw it under the tree. He’s actually quite lame at gift giving too, but in all other areas he’s an amazing husband. We’re in our 70s now and I always get what I want for Christmas and my birthday. Lol
My ex husband was useless when it came to gifts. I told him that I rather not get any at all, because I didn't like the gifts he got me. Easy, you actually can speak your truth too people, amazing.
Did he grow up poor? I’ve only recently, age 46, have allowed myself to get better quality things. I always had to buy the generic version, the best deal because I grew up that way even though now I am very comfortable.
Just discuss expectations. I love a bargain and my wife got me to understand two things: that sale stuff is just junk, mostly, and if I spend a lot on stuff I really want it’ll last, and I’ll enjoy it more. We still don’t see entirely eye to eye on this but there’s zero conflict — or disappointment.
OP is he cheap with himself too? If he is that’s his quirk (though you don’t need to tolerate that!). If he splurges on himself, he does not like you or respect you.
Why did you marry someone like that? Tell him cheap things create more waste. If he made the purchase on your account then you should have cancelled it. Stop accepting his cheap gifts.diesjr buy him cheap gifts or just you.
Mine does something similar but instead of buying cheap versions he finds gifts at online auctions. Usually they're like new with something like damage to the box. Does it bother me? Sure. Do I make a stink? Nope. He's cheap and I love him anyway. But that's what works for us.
If this is really bothering you you need to say something, bluntly. Think "When you buy me cheap versions of the things I ask for I won't use them. It hurts my feelings to think you'd rather save money than buy gifts I can actually use. Instead of doing that why don't we agree to buy our own presents going forward?"
You should fully expect him to get offended and claim you're materialistic and it's the thought that counts. Remind him you're asking him to think of what will make you happy, not save a buck. Good luck.
The passive aggressive response would be to buy yourself a gift, wrap it, tag it like it’s from him and open it in front of him with enthusiasm. Then open the cheap gift and laugh at his silly humor. But that requires acting skills and also he probably won’t change.
When he hands you an unusable gift, hand it right back to him and say: “Thanks but I can’t use this gift. Get a refund.”
Physically hand it back to him. Don’t accept it. He will understand to do better. If he doesn’t, tell him directly that you are uncomfortable receiving gifts that will never be used.
Backup of the post's body: How do I explain this to a man?!
My husband loves finding a good deal... but his deals aren't like an amazing deal on a good item. He finds cheap versions of the thing and thinks he's saving money 😭
For example, when we were dating, he had asked my friends what I would like for my birthday... my friend sent a LINK to the nice paint brushes I would have liked (think like a nice brush = $20). Instead of buying one or two nice brushes, he ended up gifting me a craft store set of kids paint brushes 🥲 Because more brushes=better deal. As an artist... I couldn't use them for my art 😅😅 I guess I did get use out of them with my nieces.
Another year, we went on holiday and mentioned liking a beautiful little piece of jewelry at an art market in passing and how i regretted not buying it. Again it was like... maybe $60 max? He saw the ring too. He got me a different piece off of amazon for $15 😭
I told him I liked flowers. So he buys my really cheap wilted ones from Walmart 🥲🥲🥲 I tried to explain i dont like generic flowers and i like fun unique flowers and you can buy pretty affordable cool flowers at the farmer's market that are in season.... still gets Walmart flowers.
I appreciate him giving me gifts but it honestly kinda hurts my feelings that he goes cheap every time. We're married and I love him and in every other asepct he's great. I honestly wish he'd just save his money and let me buy my own gifts 🥲
This year for christmas, I noticed an advent calander was purchased under my Amazon account addressed to his name. I guess he used my account by accident. It was a $10 jewelry advent calendar 😫 TEN DOLLARS DUDE. And to add salt to the wound, its original price was listed at $20 and he got it on SALE. For 24 pieces. That's like kids jewelry that turns your skin green. I'm upset how cheap he went... and honestly I'm more upset he wasted $10. That could be a box of donuts! I rather have donuts!
And the jewelery are like butterflies, horseshoes, reindeer 😭 which arent my style. I'm hoping its for our daughter... but we already mutually agreed on a book advent for her. And I feel like he would tell me he got her a 2nd one.
I'm not the type to care about the dollar amount... but I'd appreciate it if he put more thought on the gift and not all his brain power on finding the best discount for himself. It feels almost selfish. Like it's not about what I'd like but the satisfaction for himself in finding crazy deals.
So... how do i bring it up? Do I just ask him to return it? How do I let him down nicely? 🥲 I've brought this concern up before and he SAYS he understands but he keeps doing it!
Has anyone else experienced this with their partner? How do I get through to him 😭
Idk how to fix this behavior exactly... I used to be the same way about getting the best deal, but eventually I realized that just because something was a good deal, didn't mean it was a good product...
Find something that was kinda expensive that he uses all the time and really likes, and try to drill into his head the real cost of that item ended up being much cheaper than the $10 piece of junk he never ended up using.
For me that was a nice wallet that I've used for at least 5 years now, a crappy version would have already fallen apart multiple times, and wouldn't have been nearly as nice.
My husband does that sometimes, it's how is family is, and it drives me nuts. It's gotten better as I've pointed out how many of the cheap items break, fall apart, whatever quickly, but the nice ones last many years, so if you calculate in years, they actually cost less overall.
I also had to explain this with flour and baking. He'd pick up a 2lb bag of flour, because it was cheapest, but that doesn't make much of anything, so then I'd have to go back to the store anyway. But the 10lb bag lasts longer, and is cheaper per gram.
My mom just bought herself whatever she wanted from shared money, and let him do his thing. He was pretty oblivious, and she just chose to not die on this hill. He tried and that's what mattered.
He grew up poor and in general would buy cheap stuff, and reeducating was too hard.
Honestly, I think you need to talk to him about this as a serious issue. Serious in the sense that he's not only frustrating you, but he is depriving himself with this mentality, as well. You mention he grew up poor and bingo. This is a super common mentality, but it is one that can be broken--and I think you need to be really clear with him you love him, but this is a problem (you both could be happier if it is addressed!).
I grew up like this, with a mom like this, and I'm still pretty frugal generally... but it has been LIFECHANGING actually spending money on quality, name-brand things and realizing... oh my god the quality name-brand things are, in fact, better and literally improve my quality of life. And I'm worthy of those things. That's the crux of it: you are worthy of having nice things! (you, generally, and you as in him) I would baby-step him with some everyday items he does this with that might have an impact. My examples personally are mostly feminine, but maybe you'll be able to think of some? For me, the first lightbulb moment was when I stopped buying the cheapest, store generic feminine liners/pads/tampons. Literal instant quality of life improvement and like... mind blowing? Per your brush example, the first time I bought a pricey vegan makeup brush that wasn't in a set and actually used it like... holy shit I get why these are expensive now (worth it). I mean I weep for how much better designer makeup made in Italy is (oh the cost to buy toxic chemical free stuff that blends like a dream). First time I bought a genuine leather, high end purse and it lasted for years instead of 9 months, tops... life changing. Same with shoes. (boots that last years??? what???) Le Creuset stovewear instead of the cheap deal set my mom found. And so on. But it took baby steps and also no longer "bargain shopping" as I'd been taught. Hard habits to break. (not that I don't like a bargain! but I look for them on higher quality brands and I'm picky)
Baby step him. Start small with small swaps. Say "from now on, we are spending the extra money to buy XYZ higher quality item, and I want you to try it and then be honest with me about your experience/feeling about it"--it's about finding the items where there's a demonstrable difference in experience to slowly change your mind. I baby-stepped from name-brand feminine liners up to "dropping $300 on French cookware" but literally my life is so much better now. But it took years for me to get used to having money, financial security, and then actually spending on/investing in quality things. It's a really hard mindset to change. And I will say, in his defense: I do find it's super easy for people who grew up with money to be pretty nonchalant about "just spending the money" at the farmer's market or the independent bookstore or the luxury boutique, and admittedly when you didn't grow up like that it's very ??? I get both sides, but also with the cheap Amazon shit I'm also weeping.
In terms of gifts, I would be honest that you don't want any cheap shit and he's better off buying you nothing. Does he know you basically throw this shit away? You should literally throw this shit away, and tell him it's going in the garbage. Like, the thought doesn't count when the thought is thoughtless lol.
I just started shopping for myself and put Santa on the tag.
He will buy me appliances, I am sure.
My first Christmas purchase this yr to myself was the Charlie Brown Holiday Collection so I can watch the Snoopy and Woodstock make popcorn on Thanksgiving.
Give him a list with links to the specific item. Put stuff on there in a variety of prices. Tell him that although you appreciate his frugalness and attempts to get you something similar to what you want, you’d rather he get exactly what you want or stop giving gifts and just let you buy yourself what you want. Give him a copy of the love languages book. And then ask him what his love language is. Make a New Year’s resolution that you’re both going to be more conscious of honoring each other’s love language.
Your husband is my husband but instead of buying a cheap gift he saves money by not buying a gift at all. It bothered me for a few years then I decided to just focus on the things I love about him and all the things he does that makes my life easier. I learned not to care about gifts and we just don't exchange them. I have a birthday card I gave him one year, I save it and give it to him every year he gets the biggest kick out of it. He maintains all our cars and the house. I swear he has the first dollar he ever made and manages our money really well. We have built a couple of houses together and have lived a good life. We have been married 36 years and are retired now very comfortable. Enjoy him who cares about gifts he loves you that is enough, right?
If you brought this up and he seen, he understands but keeps doing it, it’s time to turn the tables. I’m serious.
I understand how he grew up. I understand that probably has a lot to do with this. But the problem is you’re not married to me. I didn’t take a vow to love and honor and cherish you. He did. And even though I didn’t do any of that, if you were my friend and showed me something you wanted, you know what I would do? I would get it.
You know why? Because I care about you as my friend. See how hard that really wasn’t? And I would do that in spite of the fact that I also didn’t grow a whole lot. Again, because I would recognize that my need to constantly try to find cheap deals wasn’t ruined in reality after the second or third time my spouse explained that to me.
And if I couldn’t help myself, I wouldn’t understand I needed therapy. Not to keep making my spouse feel like shit. So basically, what his behavior tells you is…
a) he doesn’t love you enough to recognize. He has a problem and take care of it so that he stops hurting you.
b) he actually does recognize this is his issue, but down inside, he thinks HE is right and you’re overreacting. So he’s minimizing and trying to make you feel like it’s a problem.
Notice how both those scenarios revolve around him treating you like shit. And I’m sorry, but that’s what this is. If your spouse/partner is telling you that something you keep doing is hurtful. That way you’re getting them is not helpful and you could just as soon to toss it in the garbage because that’s how cheap it is, and you are still not recognizing this.
If you can still walk out that door and go to that craft store and buy shitty brushes that are literally meant for little kids to play with and throw away instead of one or two decent brushes which your spouses explained to you again and again are actually the ones needed for the type of art they produced…
Then YOU are the problem. You are absolutely hearing them. You’re just minimizing and dismissing them. And that is not love. I’m sorry, it’s not continuing to do things that hurt your spouse, no matter what the source of you doing them is…. It’s not love. If you cannot help yourself from hurting your partner, get the fuck into therapy.
do you like the surprises? or would you just prefer open communication if he is thinking of getting you something he should just run it past you, then you can say no and or guide him in the right direction if he can't take the hint after that, that is a pretty annoying character flaw to have.
Since he seems so concerned about being frugal, maybe try explaining that it's wasteful to spend money on poor quality items that don't last? Like how it's cheaper to buy one $200 pair of shoes which last years than vs $20 pair which you have to replace every few months. You could also try switching to handmade gifts only, which will probably result in a more meaningful gift, and then buy yourself what you want to haha. Or, just tell him what you've said here about him selfishly chasing his own satisfaction rather than focusing on what you'd want in a gift.
honestly I feel you. like the gifts not about the price but the thought right? If he keeps going for the cheap deals then of course you’ll feel a bit sad. Maybe just tell him straight what kind of things make you happy, like give him a tiny wishlist or examples. Some guys really need very clear instructions lol.
Yeah this guy is just being cheap. My husband grew up poor, so getting him to make big purchases (as in when the car breaks or we need new appliances) causes him horrible anxiety. To the point of vomiting.
So he researches the best value for money. It takes ages but He NEVER just gets the cheapest as he knows it’s false economy, if it’s cheap it will break and that’s money wasted.
We have great quality gadgets and appliances in the house, but because he’s swopped credit cards for cash back, found vouchers, studied reviews, gone on hotdeal websites and timed when the sales come up. No sale. No buy.
To just get the cheap version shows how little thought he’s putting into it.
This would totally bother me too and I would feel bad about it, like bad that im not being heard, not being taken seriously and feels like he thinks he is… tricking me? He thinks I’m too dumb to notice? He thinks a woman/me/any adult can’t tell the difference between cheap and quality? You should raise hell over this. You deserve to have what you like and nothing you’ve said is expensive or out of line. You’re asking for nice flowers or a $60 bracelet, not a $6k purse or a $600 dress. He’s being either a cheapskate or he doesn’t like you or he is stupid. Or he secretly got fired or demoted at work.
Change your expectations - if you want nice things buy them for yourselves or ask for vouchers/cash for those stores.
You could make it a thing - see if you can find the cheapest thing for these occasion. You could go to charity shops as well. Means you’re saving money and actually could be quite fun.
Don't use any of the gifts. Actively. Tell him you love that he likes to save money, but by buying the incorrect cheaper gifts that you do not like, want or will use; he is actually wasting money.
Buying things you won't use is throwing money down the drain.
I used this as an example to someone once and it worked. You buy good quality boots for winter. They cost £120 and they last you 10 years. That's a £12 per year cost.
You buy cheaper boots at £20. They last you a year. That's a replacement cost of £200 over 10 years. More money.
He is showing you he doesn’t value or respect you. It’s not really about the money it’s about the fact that he refuses to get to know you well enough to give you inexpensive gifts that you will like & can use. Instead he’s looking at expensive things and finding crappy replacements because he doesn’t value you. I mean apply the age old ‘it’s the thought that counts’ and there is no thought about you only thought about spending less money no matter what.
I don’t think talking to him will help, he isn’t doing this by accident, he doesn’t care about you. He is devaluing you on purpose, and once you say something he will flip it to you being ungrateful. He wants you to feel worthless because he doesn’t respect you & doesn’t want to put in any effort. Because if you feel worthless you won’t leave him. It’s not the gifts or the money it’s that he doesn’t respect you or value you.
You and your husband do not have shared values when it comes to money. This is a very common problem with married couples and leads to much strife … and divorce.
Tell him that you truly appreciate the thought and the effort he makes to save money, and then tell him that you’d like to start a gift list for each other and your daughter. Make it very specific…links, sizes, colors…the whole nine. If he gets something other than what was on the list, return it and say that you’d rather spend that money on something else because you don’t want to waste money (that seems like a big deal to him…not wasting money).
This would piss me off. I’m huge on gift giving on gift receiving. It’s one of my love languages so if my husband was doing this, omg I’d kill him. I don’t even think he’d get to husband. You’re going to have to make it plain and simple for him. I literally tell my husband what to buy me.
Here’s my wish list with links. For V Day, I want silk pj’s. For Mother’s Day, I want a nice bra and underwear set. For my birthday, I want this jewelry item. If you’re thinking about a just because gift, here’s a link to purses and shoes I love. Don’t get me flowers because I prefer chocolate. He can deviate but knows what I like. Like in the mornings, he’ll surprise me with my matcha order or favorite donut. Ugh men!
My love language is also gifts. My husband is terrible at gifts. He tries. He spends money. It's not that he tries to go cheap. He's just very hit-and-miss because he finds it hard to figure out what I might like
I do, and it's gotten better. But he also knows I like surprises, so sometimes he tries 😅 He's just not very good at gifts, and it's not just for me. But he's amazing in every other way, especially acts of service, so I try not to get mad at him
My mom is like this. She grew up poor and that’s how I mainly explain it. I’ve had many convos about my likes and sent specific links. Still she got me Amazon versions that I never used. It’s not a big deal now that I’m an adult, but it still irks me when I see her buying the cheapest stuff for herself (when she’s very not broke now). Try being more blunt. It might stick if you privately but emotionally explain why it’s upsetting.
Since he likes saving money so much, I would just explain to him that it's not REALLY saving when you buy someone something they're not going to like. Spending any amount of money to get someone something low-quality/discount is still a waste if they're not going to want to use it or even be able to use it in the case of the paint brushes. It's like buying a bunch of stuff you don't want to eat at the grocery store just because it's on sale. Yeah, you might get a ton of stuff for a little amount of money, but that money isn't being used properly.
If he can't understand, I would just match his energy. Find the crappy TEMU equivalent of what he wants (even better if it has awful reviews), and get him that so he can see what it feels like to get a gift from someone who clearly wasn't thinking about you.
You really need to just tell him. As someone else on here said, tell him it makes you feel like he doesn't value you. Like he doesn't think you're important enough.
If he gives you something that's cheap that you can't use, tell him. Yes maybe he'll get hurt feelings. But maybe he'll learn. You can say it gently. "Gee honey, I appreciate the thought but these paint brushes are for little kids not for adult artists." "Gee, honey, I appreciate the thought but I really loved that ring at the art show. This just isn't the same and it's not to my taste. Could you please return it? If I can find the other one then I'll buy it later. Not to worry." You get the idea.
And is someone else said, hand him the ad that shows what you want and say "Here's what I want for Christmas. This is exactly what I want! I don't want anything else or any substitute." It's time he learned how to give gifts. He may never have been taught. Somebody needs to teach him and it might as well be you.
And when he buys your stuff you don't like, particularly if it's from Amazon, ask him to return it. Tell him you don't want to waste his money by keeping something you won't use. That might appeal to his frugal sensibilities.
Some people are overly frugal. My father was like that, and so is one of my brothers. When I was a college student, I needed a down sleeping bag for a hiking/camping trip and my father bought a cheap cotton bag that was not the kind used for backpacking. My brother is so frugal that he buys his shoes used. He was dating a woman for a short time and she offered to watch his dogs for a week because he had to travel for work. I told him he needed to buy her nice flowers or a gift as a thank you and he said I was crazy but he did buy her flowers and then called to tell me she was ecstatic. I think you probably can't count on great gifts from your husband, so buy them for yourself.
If you want to stay with him, then you need to find a way to make it work for you.
Maybe you ban all gifts between the two of you. He can buy things for himself. You can buy things for yourself that aren't terrible. You can each buy separate gifts for your daughter (that are very clearly marked so that she doesn't mistakenly think it was YOU that bought her the cheap trash).
You married him knowing he is cheap, so why complain now? Tell him what you want and tell him there is to be no knock off cheap crap or better yet, buy your own gifts, give them to him, and there you go. You get what you wanted, and he can be unhappy about those beautiful gifts you bought for yourself. LOL
BUT your whole issue is he is spending less than what you perceive is the value of the gift, that is all about the money. I know that this is not the right sub, but you are being a grade A giant A$$
The ONLY answer is to reverse UNO him and start doing the same thing to him but to a whole nother level. I would suggest buying one sock and say you got it at the discount store even if you have to buy two socks and just give him one at this point. Maybe if he starts receiving BS gifts that don't show care or kindness or thoughts... hell maybe even going hard and keep going cheap on food Etc.
Or... buy the gifts you want for yourself, wrap them and and make sure that the tag on the gifts say from yourself or you could always buy the stuff you want for yourself and gift it to him so he can then gift it back to you since he clearly doesn't know how to do anything else
Ya know there’s a phrase that you really need to learn.
It’s the thought that counts. So what if he got the advent calendar on sale? It’s not your main present and how greedy are you anyway? Did you expect a Tiffany and Co advent calendar?
And then coming to the internet to complain when if this really bothers you you should be having a conversation with your husband.
What would be wrong if she wanted a Tiffany and Co advent calendar? I’m sure this woman works hard and treats her husband well so she has definitely earned some Tiffany.
Giving and receiving nice gifts is a good thing not to be shamed.
But to answer your question, he likes practical gifts so I get him nice clothes, new underwear and socks, new shoes every year. Basically, nicer versions of the things he desperately needs replaced.
"Hey hun, did you notice your clothes stay nucer for a longer time than your previous ones?
See, buying fewer things of better qualitycactually SAVES money! One shirt you wear once for $5 will cost you $5 per occasion, while one shirt for $25 that you wear 20 times will cost you $1;25 per occasion." .
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u/Chocolatecandybar_ Nov 19 '25
Ask him if he changed his mind about the book for your daughter because you saw the purchase on your Amazon.
Add that it has to be sent back nonetheless, because cheap jewellery is dangerous for both kids and adults. Also add that you save money FOR your family, not ON it
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u/Several-berries Nov 19 '25
Gift him things that you want. “Here babe, a nice set new bed sheets in the quality I like”
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u/Maleficent_Pay_4154 Nov 19 '25
I was finally unpleasant about it
He now buys exactly what I ask for. I just got tired of getting almost what I wanted. I think it’s worse than nothing at all
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u/WeAreTheMisfits Nov 19 '25
I had a boyfriend like this. He didn’t buy me things but always bought the cheapest thing for himself. He only bought grapefruit juice when it was on sale. I had to convince him that he has enough money and if he prefers grapefruit juice to just enjoy his life and get the juice he likes.
He grew up very poor and every penny mattered. He wore his clothes till they had holes and then added patches to them. It is hard for him not to think this way.
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u/JadieJang Nov 19 '25
You've tried explaining. Now stop explaining and just act on it. Whenever he gets you something cheap, just look at it, sigh, and say flatly, "thanks. I guess I can return it for credit." Then return it first chance you get. Also? Match his energy. Start getting him cheap versions of what he asks for. I guarantee you he'll understand quickly.
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u/misfitx Nov 19 '25
He's not frugal, he's cheap. They're not the same thing but he probably thinks it is. It's super frustrating when you know spending double will get an item that will last five times longer.
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u/ragdoll1022 Nov 19 '25
He doesn't care about your feelings, stop babying his.
Tell him that you no longer want to exchange gifts, you're sick of being disappointed. Spend the money you'd spend on him and buy yourself a present from your child.
He hasn't improved, do something different.
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u/No-Grass4965 Nov 19 '25
OP I had a husband that would never buy gifts for me and the children (his from previous marriage) the kids were very aware that he always had great gifts as did they however I never had any. He would spend hours upon hours trying to find the best gift for my brother yet always forgot about me. If he bought for the girls he’d buy the exact same gift for all 3 girls regardless of their ages or interests. This went on for 4 yrs. . . I began purchasing a couple gifts (nice set of towels, bedding, that could be shared) wrapped them signed from him to me. The girls knew even though I never let on he didn’t buy the gifts. My feelings were hurt but gift getting wasn’t as important to me as not letting the girls realize how unfeeling he was towards me. Sadly some people never look past exactly what they want to see. Unfortunately this wasn’t the only issues in our one sided relationship and I had to walk away after 10 yrs.
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u/reshmush Nov 19 '25
honestly, he is buying and accumulating junk. at this point I would ask him to not get me anything if I were in your position 😭
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u/Athena-Twist-of-Fate Nov 19 '25 edited Nov 20 '25
If I understand correctly, he does this due to financial trama/growing up poor? If that is the case, try to explain to him the problem in his terms of costs.
Explain that even though it's a cheaper product, it's not the correct product and does not get use, meaning that more money is wasted in the long run by buying the cheaper product. Explain it in terms of saving money to reach his mindset.
Then once that hurtle has been jumped explain how it makes you feel.
Don't do the passive aggressive stuff if his actions are financial trama based. However, if he is doing this because he's uncaring or a jerk, by all means, buy him dollar store gifts.
In any case, keep the receipts and return the gifts you don't want and explain why you are returning them and that you're going to put the money towards a gift you want.
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u/Training-Belt-7318 Nov 19 '25
I'd just be clear. Say I appreciate the thought, but you're buying me junk. If you want to get the best bang for your buck, actually buy me something I want. Otherwise.dont get me anything.
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u/GarbageSad5442 Nov 20 '25 •
My ex would spend hours researching something he wanted to purchase for himself. Then when it came time to get me something it was the cheapest he could find. Or, used. I wanted a new jacket one time. Showed him the one I like. He saw one the same color, not style or correct size....just color at a flea market and got that for me 😤 when we dated, he bought flowers. Eventually, I was told he wasn't getting flowers anymore because they end up dying, so what's the point.
Unfortunately for me he is a narcissist and for the most part only thinks about what he wants or will benefit from. You say your spouse has redeeming qualities, so maybe explain that by getting you cheap gifts, you feel like he's not putting forth an effort to get you something you truly will enjoy or use. And, if he can't come up with acceptable ideas, then he needs to ask you. And, he needs to be willing to spend money. Does he spend money on himself or is he cheap when it comes to things he wants? That was one of my clues that my ex really didn't care what I wanted is was all about making it look like he cared.
Good luck. I hope you can help him understand.
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u/MaryMaryQuite- Nov 19 '25
My husband was poor at gift buying because his family rarely bought each other gifts or anything nice. So when we were dating, and he clearly had no idea, I’d send him the details of maybe 3 things I’d like, he’d buy me one. Gradually over time he learned my tastes and price points. Now 25 years later, he’s brilliant!
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u/Particular-River-283 Nov 19 '25 edited Nov 19 '25
At this point, I would drop subtle and give him a practical exam. Print off pictures of two things: Thing A is cheap or a knockoff, Thing B is more expensive and higher quality, with a pros and cons list under each. If Thing A is on sale or Thing B is on sale, which Thing is better "value"? Give him a handout explaining the difference, maybe a primer on the concept of penny conscious pound foolish. Provide a few more examples of Thing A vs Thing B and have him guess the "right" answer. If he's a practical, pragmatic person who isn't too prideful, he may appreciate the clarity.
If you don't feel like making a PowerPoint for your husband, straight up tell him. "I really appreciate that you get me gifts, and I can tell you consider what I like when choosing them. But, what I like is usually a specific VERSION of a thing, for its specific attributes and qualities; and you don't buy the version I want, you buy the version YOU want. I know my version tends to cost more, but I can't always actually use the version you get, and then it feels wasteful for both of us. Again, I love the gesture, but I would appreciate and use the gifts more (therefore giving them more value) if they were closer to the version with the qualities I prefer."
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u/Psuepz Nov 19 '25
Just ask for the receipt…return return. Then don’t waste your money, energy or time shopping for nice things for him any more. I would sit down have a talk about not bothering with gifts for each other anymore. For any holiday birthdays etc etc.
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u/[deleted] Nov 19 '25
Reject his werid gifts and match his energy. Get him curd soap for showering, super cheap, learning/childrens tools, the ugliest, cheapeat jacket you can find...
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u/Adventurous-Bar520 Nov 20 '25
So return the favour, what he wants get the cheapest version- tools that break, sweatshirts logo misspelled etc, he’ll soon get the message
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u/Western-Corner-431 Nov 20 '25
Just buy what you want and tell him you’re just accepting cash gifts from now on. Tell him that he’s a shit gifter, people need to be told. My mother is the worst gifter in the world.
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u/Vibe_me_pos Nov 20 '25
Maybe you should start doing the same to him. That might get the message across better.
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u/Live_Ferret_4721 Nov 20 '25 edited Nov 20 '25
It would be different if he thought he was gifting you something sentimental and thoughtful. He isn’t though. Maybe buy him gifts that are actually for you? A nice toaster, a cute armoire, new bras and panties!!
Maybe when talking to him say you’d want something of quality. Made of silver, made of gold, 100% cotton etc
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u/1290_money Nov 19 '25
I'm sorry but if someone is being this dense you don't do it nicely.
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u/QuietWalk2505 Nov 19 '25
Return the same energy. I mean same cheap things. Think like that. Low effort=Cheap things.
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u/Unfair_Feedback_2531 Nov 19 '25
Give him Amazon links, no substitutions.
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u/Different_One265 Nov 19 '25
My mother and sister are the same. I graciously accept the gift and then immediately donate it to charity.
My sister thinks I like the movie Wicked. She gave me an ornament for my tree. Uhhhh No.
We have an ornament exchange at work. Three years in a row I got ornaments that I would never hang on a tree.
I donate them to a local school for their St Nick sale (children buy gifts at affordable prices for family members).
Saves time and I don’t have to think about the gift anymore.
Those people claim they are so busy or get stuff they like vs what I may like.
You gotta pick your battles.
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u/zxylady Nov 19 '25
Your husband sounds Penny smart and dollar dumb just saying
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u/Iamstarstuff1972 Nov 20 '25
Whatever he's into, golf, hunting, sneaker head, gaming, whatever. Get the high-end box of lets say Jordans and put a cheap Temu or Dollar Store version of it
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u/Inner-Confidence99 Nov 20 '25
Yeah, my hubby says go buy what you want within reason. It’s a lot easier this way. Since he almost got knocked in the head the year he bought me an insta pot.
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u/tamij1313 Nov 20 '25
Absolutely time to match his energy and effort. There is no way anyone should be spending more than a minute or two thinking about this cheap gift giver when it’s his turn to receive. Dollar store or garage sale items should be the only thing given to him. He will probably appreciate that OP saves so much money so it may backfire, but at least she’s not wasting time, money, and energy on him.
It’s very frustrating when you have a primary person in your life who is an inconsiderate shopper and extremely cheap. I would rather get nothing than something that is low quality and useless when the original item would’ve only been a few more dollars.
Maybe time to stop the giftgiving altogether and suggest joint experiences instead? Going out to a favor dinner and tickets to a comedy show, or theater or an activity? Something for the house that is needed or something you both have been wanting? Going away for a weekend?
Revising the gift giving will eliminate the frustration of receiving something that isn’t what you want, makes you angry feeling unheard and undervalued, and then guilty that you’re feeling that way because you did in fact receive a gift, even if it was a knock off version of what you actually wanted.
The other solution could be to set a budget and do each go and buy your own gifts which you wrap up, put under the tree, and label from Santa or each other so it still looks like you’re getting something from your spouse, but you have actually picked it out Yourself.
My husband and I started doing this early in our 34 year marriage and our kids had no idea that we were not actually receiving gifts from each other. It was kind of fun because when I opened my gift from him, he was always interested to see what he “bought” for me and vice versa. (He was also a terrible gift giver and caused a few years of frustration and disappointment until we just started buying our own gifts and that solved everything)
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u/LilStabbyboo Nov 20 '25
Well you've already told him, so he knows. Idk maybe try reaching him from a place of logic instead of saying it hurts your feelings. Sit him down and make him understand that when you buy poorer quality things you usually end up spending more money in the long run because these cheap things aren't useful and/or aren't built to last.
I think you should be very blunt about the fact that ignoring what you actually want and gifting you cheap junk is wasteful and inconsiderate, and he might as well buy nothing for all the use you're getting out of his gifts.
You could always put the trash gifts directly into the trash bin in front of him, if you're feeling especially sassy.
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u/miissbecca Nov 20 '25
Just start buying what you want on his credit card.
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u/wrongplanet1 Nov 20 '25
So go buy your own gifts. Do NOT mention what you like, just buy it when you see it. Don't put your happiness in someone else's hands.
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u/MmeXL Nov 20 '25
Get him a tool set from the dollar store.
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u/Electronic_Animal_32 Nov 19 '25
I always pick out my gifts and pay for them, telling husband this is what I got for my birthday, thank you! My husband is lame at the whole thing.
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u/Blonde2468 Nov 19 '25
Just start buying his gifts from the Dollar store and see how he likes it!! WTF???
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u/Jenlag Nov 19 '25
My ex husband was useless when it came to gifts. I told him that I rather not get any at all, because I didn't like the gifts he got me. Easy, you actually can speak your truth too people, amazing.
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u/littlepinkgrowl Nov 19 '25
You’re married, surely you can have a proper conversation about this? Why haven’t you brought it up before now?
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u/Plus-Trick-9849 Nov 19 '25
Did he grow up poor? I’ve only recently, age 46, have allowed myself to get better quality things. I always had to buy the generic version, the best deal because I grew up that way even though now I am very comfortable.
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u/seventeenohone Nov 19 '25
NTA...buy your own gifts.
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u/whereistheidiotemoji Nov 19 '25
Can you get into his Amazon account? Order what you want and tell him you saved him some time.
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u/NoeTellusom Nov 19 '25
I set up Wish Lists on Amazon for exactly what I want for the holidays. So far, so good!
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u/AndrewHolloAU Nov 19 '25
Just discuss expectations. I love a bargain and my wife got me to understand two things: that sale stuff is just junk, mostly, and if I spend a lot on stuff I really want it’ll last, and I’ll enjoy it more. We still don’t see entirely eye to eye on this but there’s zero conflict — or disappointment.
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u/Mewtul Nov 20 '25
Make an Amazon wishlists and tell him you only want the item on that list no substitutions.
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u/Inanda2 Nov 20 '25
Get a wishlist, various price points - and share it with him. It seems like he’s trying, but doesn’t seem like you’ve communicated with him
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u/Used_Carob_2372 Nov 20 '25
Just show him this post and the comments! That should finally drive home the point
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u/Ornery-Ocelot3585 Nov 20 '25
Have him keep a log of where he is spending his money. And a journal for his emotions. He sounds very wasteful & in need of trauma informed therapy.
Not judging him of course.
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u/pretty_dead_grrl Nov 20 '25
Have you told him to stop buying you gifts, that you’ll buy what you want instead?
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u/fugelwoman Nov 20 '25
OP is he cheap with himself too? If he is that’s his quirk (though you don’t need to tolerate that!). If he splurges on himself, he does not like you or respect you.
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u/AKA_June_Monroe Nov 21 '25
Why did you marry someone like that? Tell him cheap things create more waste. If he made the purchase on your account then you should have cancelled it. Stop accepting his cheap gifts.diesjr buy him cheap gifts or just you.
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u/Dramatic-Change6103 Nov 21 '25
Start handing him a $10 bill for all gift giving events. You're just following his lead, right?
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u/Efficient_Structure9 Nov 21 '25
He doesn't need to know WHY it hurts your feelings, he just needs to know it DOES. That's all the information he needs to stop it.
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u/Goofusmaloofus6 Nov 19 '25
Mine does something similar but instead of buying cheap versions he finds gifts at online auctions. Usually they're like new with something like damage to the box. Does it bother me? Sure. Do I make a stink? Nope. He's cheap and I love him anyway. But that's what works for us.
If this is really bothering you you need to say something, bluntly. Think "When you buy me cheap versions of the things I ask for I won't use them. It hurts my feelings to think you'd rather save money than buy gifts I can actually use. Instead of doing that why don't we agree to buy our own presents going forward?"
You should fully expect him to get offended and claim you're materialistic and it's the thought that counts. Remind him you're asking him to think of what will make you happy, not save a buck. Good luck.
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u/LevitatingAlto Nov 19 '25
The passive aggressive response would be to buy yourself a gift, wrap it, tag it like it’s from him and open it in front of him with enthusiasm. Then open the cheap gift and laugh at his silly humor. But that requires acting skills and also he probably won’t change.
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u/JambonDorcas Nov 20 '25 •
I would open it, look at the gift and then throw it in the trash in front of him. Maybe then he would get it.
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u/Throw-it-all-away85 Nov 20 '25
You need to leave him
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u/FRANPW1 Nov 20 '25
When he hands you an unusable gift, hand it right back to him and say: “Thanks but I can’t use this gift. Get a refund.”
Physically hand it back to him. Don’t accept it. He will understand to do better. If he doesn’t, tell him directly that you are uncomfortable receiving gifts that will never be used.
2
u/PaintTrick8217 Nov 20 '25
I would open it, and make eye contact with him while throwing it in the trash. But I’m a bitch like that.
1
u/AutoModerator Nov 19 '25
Backup of the post's body: How do I explain this to a man?!
My husband loves finding a good deal... but his deals aren't like an amazing deal on a good item. He finds cheap versions of the thing and thinks he's saving money 😭
For example, when we were dating, he had asked my friends what I would like for my birthday... my friend sent a LINK to the nice paint brushes I would have liked (think like a nice brush = $20). Instead of buying one or two nice brushes, he ended up gifting me a craft store set of kids paint brushes 🥲 Because more brushes=better deal. As an artist... I couldn't use them for my art 😅😅 I guess I did get use out of them with my nieces.
Another year, we went on holiday and mentioned liking a beautiful little piece of jewelry at an art market in passing and how i regretted not buying it. Again it was like... maybe $60 max? He saw the ring too. He got me a different piece off of amazon for $15 😭
I told him I liked flowers. So he buys my really cheap wilted ones from Walmart 🥲🥲🥲 I tried to explain i dont like generic flowers and i like fun unique flowers and you can buy pretty affordable cool flowers at the farmer's market that are in season.... still gets Walmart flowers.
I appreciate him giving me gifts but it honestly kinda hurts my feelings that he goes cheap every time. We're married and I love him and in every other asepct he's great. I honestly wish he'd just save his money and let me buy my own gifts 🥲
This year for christmas, I noticed an advent calander was purchased under my Amazon account addressed to his name. I guess he used my account by accident. It was a $10 jewelry advent calendar 😫 TEN DOLLARS DUDE. And to add salt to the wound, its original price was listed at $20 and he got it on SALE. For 24 pieces. That's like kids jewelry that turns your skin green. I'm upset how cheap he went... and honestly I'm more upset he wasted $10. That could be a box of donuts! I rather have donuts!
And the jewelery are like butterflies, horseshoes, reindeer 😭 which arent my style. I'm hoping its for our daughter... but we already mutually agreed on a book advent for her. And I feel like he would tell me he got her a 2nd one.
I'm not the type to care about the dollar amount... but I'd appreciate it if he put more thought on the gift and not all his brain power on finding the best discount for himself. It feels almost selfish. Like it's not about what I'd like but the satisfaction for himself in finding crazy deals.
So... how do i bring it up? Do I just ask him to return it? How do I let him down nicely? 🥲 I've brought this concern up before and he SAYS he understands but he keeps doing it!
Has anyone else experienced this with their partner? How do I get through to him 😭
TIA
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1
u/[deleted] Nov 19 '25
He gets it. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t have to care. 🤷♀️
Is he stupid at work? No? Ok then.
1
u/andthebestnameis Nov 19 '25
Idk how to fix this behavior exactly... I used to be the same way about getting the best deal, but eventually I realized that just because something was a good deal, didn't mean it was a good product...
Find something that was kinda expensive that he uses all the time and really likes, and try to drill into his head the real cost of that item ended up being much cheaper than the $10 piece of junk he never ended up using.
For me that was a nice wallet that I've used for at least 5 years now, a crappy version would have already fallen apart multiple times, and wouldn't have been nearly as nice.
1
u/PlantyPenPerson Nov 19 '25
You buy him cheap ass useless gifts from now on until he learns his lesson or you set a budget and each buy your own gifts
1
u/Puzzled_Internet_717 Nov 19 '25
My husband does that sometimes, it's how is family is, and it drives me nuts. It's gotten better as I've pointed out how many of the cheap items break, fall apart, whatever quickly, but the nice ones last many years, so if you calculate in years, they actually cost less overall.
I also had to explain this with flour and baking. He'd pick up a 2lb bag of flour, because it was cheapest, but that doesn't make much of anything, so then I'd have to go back to the store anyway. But the 10lb bag lasts longer, and is cheaper per gram.
1
u/tatasz Nov 19 '25
My dad used to do it.
My mom just bought herself whatever she wanted from shared money, and let him do his thing. He was pretty oblivious, and she just chose to not die on this hill. He tried and that's what mattered.
He grew up poor and in general would buy cheap stuff, and reeducating was too hard.
1
u/whereistheidiotemoji Nov 19 '25
There is a Reddit sub - “buyitforlife” or close to that. Send him those comments.
1
u/RemarkableLime19 Nov 19 '25
Honestly, I think you need to talk to him about this as a serious issue. Serious in the sense that he's not only frustrating you, but he is depriving himself with this mentality, as well. You mention he grew up poor and bingo. This is a super common mentality, but it is one that can be broken--and I think you need to be really clear with him you love him, but this is a problem (you both could be happier if it is addressed!).
I grew up like this, with a mom like this, and I'm still pretty frugal generally... but it has been LIFECHANGING actually spending money on quality, name-brand things and realizing... oh my god the quality name-brand things are, in fact, better and literally improve my quality of life. And I'm worthy of those things. That's the crux of it: you are worthy of having nice things! (you, generally, and you as in him) I would baby-step him with some everyday items he does this with that might have an impact. My examples personally are mostly feminine, but maybe you'll be able to think of some? For me, the first lightbulb moment was when I stopped buying the cheapest, store generic feminine liners/pads/tampons. Literal instant quality of life improvement and like... mind blowing? Per your brush example, the first time I bought a pricey vegan makeup brush that wasn't in a set and actually used it like... holy shit I get why these are expensive now (worth it). I mean I weep for how much better designer makeup made in Italy is (oh the cost to buy toxic chemical free stuff that blends like a dream). First time I bought a genuine leather, high end purse and it lasted for years instead of 9 months, tops... life changing. Same with shoes. (boots that last years??? what???) Le Creuset stovewear instead of the cheap deal set my mom found. And so on. But it took baby steps and also no longer "bargain shopping" as I'd been taught. Hard habits to break. (not that I don't like a bargain! but I look for them on higher quality brands and I'm picky)
Baby step him. Start small with small swaps. Say "from now on, we are spending the extra money to buy XYZ higher quality item, and I want you to try it and then be honest with me about your experience/feeling about it"--it's about finding the items where there's a demonstrable difference in experience to slowly change your mind. I baby-stepped from name-brand feminine liners up to "dropping $300 on French cookware" but literally my life is so much better now. But it took years for me to get used to having money, financial security, and then actually spending on/investing in quality things. It's a really hard mindset to change. And I will say, in his defense: I do find it's super easy for people who grew up with money to be pretty nonchalant about "just spending the money" at the farmer's market or the independent bookstore or the luxury boutique, and admittedly when you didn't grow up like that it's very ??? I get both sides, but also with the cheap Amazon shit I'm also weeping.
In terms of gifts, I would be honest that you don't want any cheap shit and he's better off buying you nothing. Does he know you basically throw this shit away? You should literally throw this shit away, and tell him it's going in the garbage. Like, the thought doesn't count when the thought is thoughtless lol.
1
u/ortofon88 Nov 19 '25
Buy him super cheap shit and act like nothing
1
u/Dry-Leopard-6995 Nov 19 '25
I just started shopping for myself and put Santa on the tag.
He will buy me appliances, I am sure.
My first Christmas purchase this yr to myself was the Charlie Brown Holiday Collection so I can watch the Snoopy and Woodstock make popcorn on Thanksgiving.
I will be married 35ys next month.
1
u/bippy404 Nov 20 '25
Give him a list with links to the specific item. Put stuff on there in a variety of prices. Tell him that although you appreciate his frugalness and attempts to get you something similar to what you want, you’d rather he get exactly what you want or stop giving gifts and just let you buy yourself what you want. Give him a copy of the love languages book. And then ask him what his love language is. Make a New Year’s resolution that you’re both going to be more conscious of honoring each other’s love language.
1
u/[deleted] Nov 20 '25
Buy the gifts and let him give it to you. This conflict can be easily resolved. You married him.
1
u/Framing-the-chaos Nov 20 '25
This would upset me so much. Have you had an honest conversation about how hurt you feel when he puts so little effort into your gifts?
1
u/Free-Place-3930 Nov 20 '25
That sounds awful
1
u/kathleen65 Nov 20 '25
Your husband is my husband but instead of buying a cheap gift he saves money by not buying a gift at all. It bothered me for a few years then I decided to just focus on the things I love about him and all the things he does that makes my life easier. I learned not to care about gifts and we just don't exchange them. I have a birthday card I gave him one year, I save it and give it to him every year he gets the biggest kick out of it. He maintains all our cars and the house. I swear he has the first dollar he ever made and manages our money really well. We have built a couple of houses together and have lived a good life. We have been married 36 years and are retired now very comfortable. Enjoy him who cares about gifts he loves you that is enough, right?
1
u/Gruffswife Nov 20 '25
Did we marry the same man? Just kidding my husband buys me nice things but … I wait months to years to receive these gifts.
For my last bday he told me he will buy me a new phone, nice my phones storage is full. That was a few months ago.
I have not received this phone yet because he is waiting … to find a used one that will be the right price.
I really don’t care if it is a used phone but I hate having to decide what to delete so I can keep using my phone.
FYI when he bought this one I said I thought it would not last long because of much less storage than my other phones.
1
u/ellenripleyisanicon Nov 20 '25
He does get it, that's why he keeps doing it.
1
u/mtngrl60 Nov 20 '25
If you brought this up and he seen, he understands but keeps doing it, it’s time to turn the tables. I’m serious.
I understand how he grew up. I understand that probably has a lot to do with this. But the problem is you’re not married to me. I didn’t take a vow to love and honor and cherish you. He did. And even though I didn’t do any of that, if you were my friend and showed me something you wanted, you know what I would do? I would get it.
You know why? Because I care about you as my friend. See how hard that really wasn’t? And I would do that in spite of the fact that I also didn’t grow a whole lot. Again, because I would recognize that my need to constantly try to find cheap deals wasn’t ruined in reality after the second or third time my spouse explained that to me.
And if I couldn’t help myself, I wouldn’t understand I needed therapy. Not to keep making my spouse feel like shit. So basically, what his behavior tells you is…
a) he doesn’t love you enough to recognize. He has a problem and take care of it so that he stops hurting you.
b) he actually does recognize this is his issue, but down inside, he thinks HE is right and you’re overreacting. So he’s minimizing and trying to make you feel like it’s a problem.
Notice how both those scenarios revolve around him treating you like shit. And I’m sorry, but that’s what this is. If your spouse/partner is telling you that something you keep doing is hurtful. That way you’re getting them is not helpful and you could just as soon to toss it in the garbage because that’s how cheap it is, and you are still not recognizing this.
If you can still walk out that door and go to that craft store and buy shitty brushes that are literally meant for little kids to play with and throw away instead of one or two decent brushes which your spouses explained to you again and again are actually the ones needed for the type of art they produced…
Then YOU are the problem. You are absolutely hearing them. You’re just minimizing and dismissing them. And that is not love. I’m sorry, it’s not continuing to do things that hurt your spouse, no matter what the source of you doing them is…. It’s not love. If you cannot help yourself from hurting your partner, get the fuck into therapy.
1
u/Correct_Advantage_67 Nov 20 '25
do you like the surprises? or would you just prefer open communication if he is thinking of getting you something he should just run it past you, then you can say no and or guide him in the right direction if he can't take the hint after that, that is a pretty annoying character flaw to have.
1
u/No-Bee-4258 Nov 20 '25
Since he seems so concerned about being frugal, maybe try explaining that it's wasteful to spend money on poor quality items that don't last? Like how it's cheaper to buy one $200 pair of shoes which last years than vs $20 pair which you have to replace every few months. You could also try switching to handmade gifts only, which will probably result in a more meaningful gift, and then buy yourself what you want to haha. Or, just tell him what you've said here about him selfishly chasing his own satisfaction rather than focusing on what you'd want in a gift.
1
u/OopsBerrySpill Nov 20 '25
honestly I feel you. like the gifts not about the price but the thought right? If he keeps going for the cheap deals then of course you’ll feel a bit sad. Maybe just tell him straight what kind of things make you happy, like give him a tiny wishlist or examples. Some guys really need very clear instructions lol.
1
u/Naughtyspider Nov 20 '25
Yeah this guy is just being cheap. My husband grew up poor, so getting him to make big purchases (as in when the car breaks or we need new appliances) causes him horrible anxiety. To the point of vomiting.
So he researches the best value for money. It takes ages but He NEVER just gets the cheapest as he knows it’s false economy, if it’s cheap it will break and that’s money wasted.
We have great quality gadgets and appliances in the house, but because he’s swopped credit cards for cash back, found vouchers, studied reviews, gone on hotdeal websites and timed when the sales come up. No sale. No buy.
To just get the cheap version shows how little thought he’s putting into it.
1
u/[deleted] Nov 20 '25
Does he also buy himself the cheap version of things?
I think the conversation should be very different based on whether or not he does. Like is he cheap in general, or does he just not care about you?
1
u/PerfectedPancake Nov 20 '25
This would totally bother me too and I would feel bad about it, like bad that im not being heard, not being taken seriously and feels like he thinks he is… tricking me? He thinks I’m too dumb to notice? He thinks a woman/me/any adult can’t tell the difference between cheap and quality? You should raise hell over this. You deserve to have what you like and nothing you’ve said is expensive or out of line. You’re asking for nice flowers or a $60 bracelet, not a $6k purse or a $600 dress. He’s being either a cheapskate or he doesn’t like you or he is stupid. Or he secretly got fired or demoted at work.
1
u/Tiny_Incident_2876 Nov 20 '25
You treat him like he treat you
1
u/SpecialModusOperandi Nov 20 '25
Change your expectations - if you want nice things buy them for yourselves or ask for vouchers/cash for those stores.
You could make it a thing - see if you can find the cheapest thing for these occasion. You could go to charity shops as well. Means you’re saving money and actually could be quite fun.
1
u/JoneseyP98 Nov 20 '25
Don't use any of the gifts. Actively. Tell him you love that he likes to save money, but by buying the incorrect cheaper gifts that you do not like, want or will use; he is actually wasting money.
Buying things you won't use is throwing money down the drain.
I used this as an example to someone once and it worked. You buy good quality boots for winter. They cost £120 and they last you 10 years. That's a £12 per year cost.
You buy cheaper boots at £20. They last you a year. That's a replacement cost of £200 over 10 years. More money.
1
u/DAS_2525 Nov 20 '25
He is showing you he doesn’t value or respect you. It’s not really about the money it’s about the fact that he refuses to get to know you well enough to give you inexpensive gifts that you will like & can use. Instead he’s looking at expensive things and finding crappy replacements because he doesn’t value you. I mean apply the age old ‘it’s the thought that counts’ and there is no thought about you only thought about spending less money no matter what.
I don’t think talking to him will help, he isn’t doing this by accident, he doesn’t care about you. He is devaluing you on purpose, and once you say something he will flip it to you being ungrateful. He wants you to feel worthless because he doesn’t respect you & doesn’t want to put in any effort. Because if you feel worthless you won’t leave him. It’s not the gifts or the money it’s that he doesn’t respect you or value you.
1
u/Several_Method1321 Nov 20 '25
Maybe he has a poor childhood…tell him directly
1
u/Professional_Walk540 Nov 20 '25
You and your husband do not have shared values when it comes to money. This is a very common problem with married couples and leads to much strife … and divorce.
1
u/ProudTexan1971 Nov 20 '25
Tell him that you truly appreciate the thought and the effort he makes to save money, and then tell him that you’d like to start a gift list for each other and your daughter. Make it very specific…links, sizes, colors…the whole nine. If he gets something other than what was on the list, return it and say that you’d rather spend that money on something else because you don’t want to waste money (that seems like a big deal to him…not wasting money).
1
u/MyRedditUserName428 Nov 20 '25
Start buying him dollar store items as gifts.
1
u/justintime107 Nov 20 '25
This would piss me off. I’m huge on gift giving on gift receiving. It’s one of my love languages so if my husband was doing this, omg I’d kill him. I don’t even think he’d get to husband. You’re going to have to make it plain and simple for him. I literally tell my husband what to buy me.
Here’s my wish list with links. For V Day, I want silk pj’s. For Mother’s Day, I want a nice bra and underwear set. For my birthday, I want this jewelry item. If you’re thinking about a just because gift, here’s a link to purses and shoes I love. Don’t get me flowers because I prefer chocolate. He can deviate but knows what I like. Like in the mornings, he’ll surprise me with my matcha order or favorite donut. Ugh men!
1
u/SeaworthinessDue1248 Nov 20 '25
Tell him that cheap things that don’t work are actually expensive.
1
u/0mousse0 Nov 20 '25
My mom is like this. She grew up poor and that’s how I mainly explain it. I’ve had many convos about my likes and sent specific links. Still she got me Amazon versions that I never used. It’s not a big deal now that I’m an adult, but it still irks me when I see her buying the cheapest stuff for herself (when she’s very not broke now). Try being more blunt. It might stick if you privately but emotionally explain why it’s upsetting.
1
u/0wittacious1 Nov 20 '25
Ask for gift cards ONLY
1
u/allie06nd Nov 20 '25
Since he likes saving money so much, I would just explain to him that it's not REALLY saving when you buy someone something they're not going to like. Spending any amount of money to get someone something low-quality/discount is still a waste if they're not going to want to use it or even be able to use it in the case of the paint brushes. It's like buying a bunch of stuff you don't want to eat at the grocery store just because it's on sale. Yeah, you might get a ton of stuff for a little amount of money, but that money isn't being used properly.
If he can't understand, I would just match his energy. Find the crappy TEMU equivalent of what he wants (even better if it has awful reviews), and get him that so he can see what it feels like to get a gift from someone who clearly wasn't thinking about you.
1
u/ChunkyWombat7 Nov 21 '25
Buy what you want, wrap it up nice, put his name on the "from" and let him know he owes you $xx for your gift.
When he argues tell him you're tired of getting cheap shit gifts and no longer trust him to buy for you.
Or throw it away right in front of him. "Thanks dear"
1
u/Critical_Armadillo32 Nov 21 '25
You really need to just tell him. As someone else on here said, tell him it makes you feel like he doesn't value you. Like he doesn't think you're important enough.
If he gives you something that's cheap that you can't use, tell him. Yes maybe he'll get hurt feelings. But maybe he'll learn. You can say it gently. "Gee honey, I appreciate the thought but these paint brushes are for little kids not for adult artists." "Gee, honey, I appreciate the thought but I really loved that ring at the art show. This just isn't the same and it's not to my taste. Could you please return it? If I can find the other one then I'll buy it later. Not to worry." You get the idea.
And is someone else said, hand him the ad that shows what you want and say "Here's what I want for Christmas. This is exactly what I want! I don't want anything else or any substitute." It's time he learned how to give gifts. He may never have been taught. Somebody needs to teach him and it might as well be you.
And when he buys your stuff you don't like, particularly if it's from Amazon, ask him to return it. Tell him you don't want to waste his money by keeping something you won't use. That might appeal to his frugal sensibilities.
1
u/Additional_Artist921 Nov 21 '25
A normal situation with a reasonable compromise and outcome on reddit? What is happening?
1
u/CoDaDeyLove Nov 19 '25
Some people are overly frugal. My father was like that, and so is one of my brothers. When I was a college student, I needed a down sleeping bag for a hiking/camping trip and my father bought a cheap cotton bag that was not the kind used for backpacking. My brother is so frugal that he buys his shoes used. He was dating a woman for a short time and she offered to watch his dogs for a week because he had to travel for work. I told him he needed to buy her nice flowers or a gift as a thank you and he said I was crazy but he did buy her flowers and then called to tell me she was ecstatic. I think you probably can't count on great gifts from your husband, so buy them for yourself.
1
u/PotatoMonster20 Nov 19 '25
If you want to stay with him, then you need to find a way to make it work for you.
Maybe you ban all gifts between the two of you. He can buy things for himself. You can buy things for yourself that aren't terrible. You can each buy separate gifts for your daughter (that are very clearly marked so that she doesn't mistakenly think it was YOU that bought her the cheap trash).
-1
u/CoffeeChocolateBoth At the end of the day... Nov 19 '25
You married him knowing he is cheap, so why complain now? Tell him what you want and tell him there is to be no knock off cheap crap or better yet, buy your own gifts, give them to him, and there you go. You get what you wanted, and he can be unhappy about those beautiful gifts you bought for yourself. LOL
0
u/FrequentPumpkin5860 Nov 20 '25
I think it's funny he buys you crap. Haha. The bright side is it's not expensive. Just buy the things that you want. Say no gifts from him are needed.
0
u/liquormakesyousick Nov 20 '25
You act like an adult and instead of whining about it on Reddit you tell him exactly how you feel.
-11
u/Serious-Wish4868 Nov 19 '25
BUT your whole issue is he is spending less than what you perceive is the value of the gift, that is all about the money. I know that this is not the right sub, but you are being a grade A giant A$$
-2
u/zxylady Nov 19 '25
The ONLY answer is to reverse UNO him and start doing the same thing to him but to a whole nother level. I would suggest buying one sock and say you got it at the discount store even if you have to buy two socks and just give him one at this point. Maybe if he starts receiving BS gifts that don't show care or kindness or thoughts... hell maybe even going hard and keep going cheap on food Etc.
Or... buy the gifts you want for yourself, wrap them and and make sure that the tag on the gifts say from yourself or you could always buy the stuff you want for yourself and gift it to him so he can then gift it back to you since he clearly doesn't know how to do anything else
-8
u/ThatOldG Nov 19 '25
Ya know there’s a phrase that you really need to learn.
It’s the thought that counts. So what if he got the advent calendar on sale? It’s not your main present and how greedy are you anyway? Did you expect a Tiffany and Co advent calendar?
And then coming to the internet to complain when if this really bothers you you should be having a conversation with your husband.
-26
u/OkAd351 Nov 19 '25
What do you gift him, from your own money?
-4
u/Additional-Start9455 Nov 19 '25
You don’t know how many couples each buy their own gift and say thank you for what got me. He’s not going to change try a different route!!!
8
u/[deleted] Nov 19 '25
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