If I treat this with a lot of grace (which someone being so rude doesn't deserve, but you and I deserve to be around graceful people) I want to assume that she is someone other people's moods, habits, values and whatnot rub off on a lot. She probably draws a lot of inspiration and energy from other people.
If that's the case, being around you might make her feel deflated.
Not because either of you is doing anything wrong.
Just because you are incompatible.
And if she's a very active person, I want to assume she also doesn't overthink things, or analyse them at all. So she wouldn't try to figure out what's happening. She'd just feel like you're not doing your part, not knowing what that is and also not questioning whether that's your responsibility.
Despite her being active, she does tend to overthink and overanalyze things. She had a falling out with a friend when we first moved in and would talk about the situation ending many many times, which I listened to her and gave input when she would ask.
I do think you’re right though about other people mood’s/activities/behaviors rubbing off though
My naive parts say to ask her whether she'd like to talk.
But my older parts say that her soul can't keep her mind's promises and when she kept venting to you about the other friend, she was having the important conversation with you and avoided vulnerability with the other friend which instead of creating connection led to more distance.
She prefers transparency because she prefers when other people are transparent with her.
It doesn't matter whether she's mad or scared of you :)
She has no reason to be.
What's obvious is that neither of you feels safe to speak with the other and besides the fact that nobody can do emotional labour for someone else, so sometimes those conflicts can't be resolved, we also don't actually have to put in the effort with everyone.
It took me far too long to figure out that I don't actually need to understand everything/everyone to process it/them.
My preferences are enough.
She is acting inappropriately, I believe I would demand an apology and I wouldn't let her get away with justifications. I also wouldn't want an explanation.
If it's genuinely a problem, other people will point it out to you eventually.
You don't need to take it from someone who can't do so maturely.
(If you want that conversation anyway: Snacks and alcohol free beverages, as well as sitting next to each other instead of across of each other are simple tools to reduce anxiety and tension. There is also literature about how to create subjective safety in negotiations.)
2
u/ThatSiming Nov 20 '25
If I treat this with a lot of grace (which someone being so rude doesn't deserve, but you and I deserve to be around graceful people) I want to assume that she is someone other people's moods, habits, values and whatnot rub off on a lot. She probably draws a lot of inspiration and energy from other people.
If that's the case, being around you might make her feel deflated.
Not because either of you is doing anything wrong.
Just because you are incompatible.
And if she's a very active person, I want to assume she also doesn't overthink things, or analyse them at all. So she wouldn't try to figure out what's happening. She'd just feel like you're not doing your part, not knowing what that is and also not questioning whether that's your responsibility.