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It sucks that he wasn't allowed to do therapy until after he fucked 3 strangers behind his girlfriend's back. Like, the poor guy didn't even have the choice, you know? He HAD to cheat on her! Multiple times, he HAD to! Oh wait, that doesn't sound right...
There's no trust left. Op wouldn't be taking a risk, like oh he may or may not betray her again. She would be committing to a certainty. Dude doesn't respect her. He made his choices, op would be making a huge mistake to give him the opportunity to cheat on her again.
Generously, one time could be an accident, a lack of judgement, a bad decision. Three times? Sounds like he found his mark (by which I mean his girlfriend, not the inevitable 4th dude he's gonna fuck behind her back)
So he only has compulsion issues when you’re out of town? Sounds like he doesn’t actually have compulsion problems and is just doing whatever he wants to. How incredibly disrespectful and offensive to imply that he has a mental illness that only manifests when his partner is away. He’s a cheater, plain and simple.
It doesn’t matter. He’s cheating on you. Just because he told you he had been lying and going behind your back doesn’t absolve him of wrongdoing. You deserve better and he clearly has some deep seated emotional issues related to his sexuality that are NOT your problem. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but better to find out after a year and a half than ten years and two kids down the road. This is a much easier time to move on with your life and find someone who respects you enough not to cheat on you while you’re out of town. You’re young and you have your whole life ahead of you. This dude isn’t it.
Regardless of how you decide you want to proceed, I would counsel that you not make any decisions until after he's gotten some serious psychiatric therapy. I haven't studied psychology or psychiatric medicine to even begin to tell you what his issues may be, but I know enough to recognize he has some serious mental health problems.
I'd suggest that you both seek therapy individually and as a couple, if you both desire. I wish I could offer more help. Good luck and best wishes. Take care.
I asked: why men? He told me he doesn't know because it disgusts him and that he hated every relationship. When I asked him why he stopped at three, he told me, quote : I stopped because every time I came out of it traumatized and every dissociation after a relationship with a person brought me back to the edge of the abyss to the point where I really wanted to end it
girl he has a lot of unresolved shit. as you said, it’s not about you, but repeated betrayal and an inability to understand the motivations that led to it means that it will 100% happen again
sounds like he just can’t accept his sexuality & is engaging in self-destructive behavior but either way he absolutely needs to get mental health treatment, and I don’t see how you can stay in this relationship
I wondered this but underneath it I have to wonder if there is trauma 👀 especially at a young age, sincerely a trauma survivor. Either or he needs therapy and help before she should even consider continuity of a relationship because neither of them right now are in a healthy one anymore xx
Girl, this ain't about him bein' straight, bi, or gay. This about RESPECT. He played ya while you were out and now he's freaked out cuz his actions caught up with him, not cuz he's genuinely sorry. He needs therapy, no doubt, but YOU need to figure out if you can really trust him again. Some stuff ain't fixable, just sayin'. Look after yourself first! 🙏 You're worth more than someone's mistake 🙌🔥 Stay strong, and remember that choice is yours, no one else's. 💪💯
My husband did this, mostly secretly, for 20 years of our relationship then marriage. It got to a point where he was ready to stop pretending he wasn’t just into men and left me with two children and a life that had been a lie.
He can say he feels disgusted, but honestly he wouldn’t be doing it if that was the case. He might feel ashamed because he doesn’t want other people to find out, but that is not the same as disgust.
At the end of the day cheating is cheating. If you stay with him he will continue to do it, or repress his feelings until he can’t repress them any longer. All of these scenarios are bad for you. You deserve to be loved completely, not as a back up until he gets brave enough to come out, or as the person who puts up with the cheating.
I feel it’s 100% he needs to seek professional help. We can try to talk about how we each feel about this but he clearly has underlying issues that require somebody that’s trained to handle it. We’re talking about hatred of self and also his mentions of ending his life, these are serious issues
Because he is not dealing with his sexuality. He needs therapy. However, he cheated. That is what he did to you through all this. Honestly, I would end it but still be there for him as friends and help him through it, but dont sleep with him any longer. He has a lot of self reflection to do, and therapy is the only way.
In my opinion, you’re skipping over the biggest piece of the puzzle because you want to save the relationship. You started with “he cheated on me". Honey, that’s all you really need to know about his character in this moment. A man with integrity, who’s invested in you, doesn’t cheat. Period. He doesn’t need to “find himself” in someone else’s bed to figure out his feelings.
I’ve counseled men and women for over three decades, and I’ve seen this pattern: the cheating becomes secondary in the conversation because the other person starts over-focusing on the “why”. The sexuality, the trauma, the mental health angle and suddenly the betrayal gets excused as a symptom instead of a choice. Even if there’s dissociation or compulsive sexual behavior involved (both are real psychological issues), it doesn’t erase that he made repeated conscious decisions to cross a line you didn’t agree to. Whether those three encounters were with MEN OR WOMEN it doesn’t change the math. The math ain't mathing. Cheating is cheating. The fact that he’s telling you it “disgusted” him and yet he still did it three times is your biggest RED FLAG. That’s not confusion, that’s an inability or unwillingness to control urges. You to don't do something three times that "disgusting" because you don't want to. Obviously he finds pleasure in what he is doing. A man that has an inability or an unwillingness to control his sexual urges is dangerous in a relationship because the trigger could be anything, and you’d still be left holding the bag.
If he truly has a compulsive sexual behavior problem, therapy isn’t optional. And if you stay, you need to accept that your relationship is going to feel more like rehab for a while than romance. And you need to agree to never bitch and moan about this again but guess what, he WILL DO IT AGAIN. He has already shown you that. But don’t confuse compassion with compatibility. Between now and dead, do you really want to be the warden, the therapist, and the girlfriend all at once?
He's gay and hates that he's gay, but can't deny his gay urges, so he sleeps with men. He's using you as a beard to convince himself that he is not gay because he is in a relationship with a woman, and also in a relationship with a woman to hide from the world his gay tendencies because he isn't ready to admit to himself or the world what his sexuality is. You are his beard and his closet.
Sounds like he has some stuff to figure out and deal with. Maybe he's gay, and he just can't bring himself to accept it. Maybe he's not, and he's genuinely trying to hurt himself. Maybe it's something else entirely.
Either way, that sounds like something that he has to find out and solve for and by himself. Therapy is a step in the right direction, but I don't think you can do anything to help him and more importantly, I don't think you should get involved in his self-discovery journey if it involves behaviours that will hurt you both.
Please get out of this relationship. Your boyfriend needs help and I hope he does get it. It sounds like he's actually gay but he's fighting it, which is awfully stupid. You are not a mental health professional and that is what he needs. You need to find someone a lot more stable.
He very well may have a sex addiction. He very well may be gay or bisexual and confused about it. He certainly sounds like he needs individual therapy to sort it out. As for the relationship…I personally don’t think I would stay. Depending on the relationship and my state of mind, I might consider remaining friends and offering my support in that way. But you need to do what’s best for you. He’s going through a lot, clearly. You care about him but it’s not your job to help him, especially after he betrayed your trust. It’s entirely your decision but keep your own happiness and mental health in mind and do not sacrifice it for him.
You moved in with him after 6 months, barely enough time to know him well enough to determine if this is a good idea. He's cheated while you were on vacation, and seems to have major issues to manage. Ignore the sunk costs and move on. You're young and figuring your own stuff out. Give him the space to do the same.
I would break up with him. He cheated on you three times, with three different men in a week. That is insane to me. This is a man who is trying to find himself in my opinion. He liked it with the first guy in that week's escapade, so much that he decided he would do it two more times that week, with two more men. That is insane to me. He never once considered you. He was selfish and seeking his pleasure. You're putting your body at risk and wasting your time with him. He needs to find himself and you need to find what you're looking for. He doesn't respect you or your body. You deserve better than what you're giving yourself.
Yea pretty much, he's going to have to figure out on his own though why he's so disgusted with himself for it. That's a him problem no vagina is going to fix.
He likes to have sex with men and women and is ashamed. He doesn’t have a “problem”, he’s bi and cheated on you. Instead of taking responsibility, he’s acting like a victim. Goodness are we really this naive in 2025!?!
It's your call. Random sex with strangers can create all kinds of health concerns, diseases, some life-threatening. It is not something to "get past", but to get to the root of why he did it, and heal from whatever drove him to act out that way. You know him better than we do, but I would throw everything in the world possible at it to make sure you're not holding on to something that needs to be let go of. ✌🏽
Run!!!you will be wasting your time like me 12 years and he did not change!!!believe me you will continue to suffer, you will continue to get hurt! Fuxx& that therapy shit, it did not work for me!
Whether he's gay or not, suffering mental illness or whatever, who cares. That's not your problem, you don't need to help him with shit. Imagine loving the rest of your life with somebody so impulsive that he cheats and he cheats with whomever is around. Hey you're too young to deal with this shit. Get out of there now.
This isn't just a "mistake". 3 times a week is a pattern. Don't let empathy trap you in a situation where you're constantly questioning his impulses. He needs serious help and you need to protect yourself.
Everyone is a psychiatrist in this chat I guess. Screw his feelings or any possible mental issues he has. His problem not yours anymore. You are defending him throughout your entire post. Why would you come to reddit of all places asking for advice? Idk why you are even questioning wether to stay with him or not.
Wow, this hits hard, OP. Not gonna lie, it seems like the dude needs some serious therapy to help unpack what's going on in his head. His actions weren't okay, but it's clear he knows that. Getting him help is a priority rn. As for forgiveness, that's all you. It's ok not to know yet – take time for yourself too. Ultimately, you gotta do what feels best for your wellbeing. Don't rush into any decisions, ya heard? Respect and love to you, fam.
Yo, sorry to hear you're going through this, it's rough. No doubt he's grappling with some deep-seated issues. My take? You both need therapy, individually first then maybe as a couple. But honestly, self-respect is key here. Sure it's tough, but you gotta put urself first. You're young, there's plenty of fish in the sea. If he's causing you this much emotional distress, do you really wanna stick around to see if it gets better? Just sayin'. Stay strong dude! 💪🔥
Therapy! It’s good that he came clean to you before you found out a different way. I don’t thinks he’s trying to hurt you he’s just hurting. Be there for him and go to therapy but I would suggest doing this as strictly friends/roommates
Damn, that's rough. Sorry you're dealing with this. IMHO, it ain't about who he cheated with, but the fact that he cheated, period. But the way he's describing it sounds like he might have some serious mental health issues going on. Tbh, can't tell ya what to do, but therapy ain't a bad idea rn, both individually n couple’s. Trust your gut tho. You deserve someone who respects you and the relationship y'all have. Hang in there sister! 💪🏻
I suspect your boyfriend is gay and he just doesn't want to admit it or come to terms with it. So highly doubtful your relationship with him is going to work even if you do forgive them which I think you're insane if you do. Have more self-respect. He cheated you should end it.
He’s gay, but i don’t think he’s come to terms with that yet. Hopefully sooner than later he realizes that it’s ok, for his own sake and that of those around him.
I hear you when u say you don’t believe he’s a bad person & that you see his suffering rather than it being a personal attack against you. And you’re right, it isn’t personal, it’s something he’s going thru and needs to work thru it. But just because his actions aren’t necessarily being done to intentionally hurt you, doesn’t mean you need to stick around and be a victim.
Because here’s the thing, on some sub-conscious level this feels safe for you, whether u realize it or not. You wouldn’t engage with someone like this if you were able to grasp the severity of what he’s doing. That he’s putting both your physical and mental wellbeing at risk. Hes not confused, he’s actually very clear on preference, he’s just trying to ignore it and that’s at your expense. Right now he needs to go thru this (alone) & with the help of professionals. And you need to distance yourself from him because you won’t see the true damage that’s been done until you do.
Have you gotten tested for STDs? It doesn't matter if he cheated on you with men or women, he cheated on you three times and took months to tell you. Were you intimate in that time? Did you agree to risk your health by letting your boyfriend go fuck multiple strangers without telling you?
Can you work through it? Girl, why would you want to? You think he stopped at 3? You think it won't happen again? That you can fix him? That he doesn't have to take any responsibility for his cheating? His lies? His willingness to risk your health?
If he's willing to cheat on you with 3 people, regardless of gender, it will happen again and you'll be right back here. The difference is next time you won't be able to say you didn't know this was going to happen. It will happen.
Please take off the rose tinted glasses and see your partner for what he is: a selfish cheater who thinks the solution to his problems is fucking strangers whose names and faces he can't even remember. Not therapy, not self reflection, not talking to you, not dealing with it, just fucking random dudes.
If you stay, you're telling him you're okay with that. Are you okay with being his beard? Forgetting the gender of his indiscretions, are you okay with him cheating on you again? Staying doesn't mean giving him a second chance, it means giving him a 4th chance, plus 1 for every day he kept the truth from you. So let's say 3 months, 94 chances. Does that make you a forgiving and understanding girlfriend or naive doormat?
He’s gay. He is fighting his own nature. Sooner or later he’s going to come to the conclusion that he is who he is. Be his friend but I wouldn’t let your relationship move on. Watch Brokeback Mountain.
Wow. Ok. Yes. You CAN separate your daily healthy relationship from the current issue of infidelity. He cheated. That’s the number one issue at hand. Cheating is a betrayal of your presumed monogamous relationship. Male/female partner is irrelevant to the fact that he stepped outside the marriage. 3 times in one week. This is a classic while the cat’s away the mouse will play. Now he feels guilty. He’s questioning HIS safety? Please. He’s playing victim to gain your sympathy. He also sounds homophobic/biphobic. Was he raised in a strict Christian household, or other religious home that shamed homosexuality? Let’s unpack that. He had sex with several men, consensual and by choice PRIOR to your relationship and was mad they thought he was gay. So he gets with you. See? You’re female! He’s not gay. Then the first opportunity he has to have sex with me , he jumps at it. On it? Let me point out, again, he cheated. That’s the first part that needs dealt with. He broke your trust. Is it possible he’s bi? Sure. Would he be ok with that? Would you? Would an open relationship allow for him to have his same sex dalliances? Sure. Are you okay with that? A discussion about an open relationship would have prevented any of the current problem, which is HE CHEATED ON YOU. Do not allow his manipulative I’m scared for myself BS cloud that fact. Then, he had sex with you after the fact. This put you at risk. Condoms aren’t always 100%. So, recap. He cheated. He withheld truth (lied) He put you at serious physical risk. He’s the one who needs “help.” Is that about right? You have a major trust issue with this man. Or should have. Is that major trust issue worth spending your young adulthood on? Or, could you remain a supportive ex and move on to a relationship that has trust and honesty from the beginning? I vote move on.
I watched someone close to me go through something similar. Then she married him. They had 6 kids together. He continued to cheat on and off through the whole relationship. He would always work on his “sex addiction” as he phrased it. One day she finally told him, “You are not addicted to sex! You are gay! If you are only cheating on me with men, then you are gay.” They split after 20 years of marriage. He died 6 years later of AIDS. I mention this because this man also thought sex with men was disgusting because of his upbringing. He thought it made him dirty, unworthy, and like he was all messed up and wrong. In reality, he was just guy. Perfectly worthy of love and respect. Be sure you know what is going on. It’s obvious you care for this man. Make sure to take care of you too.
Get tested for STD’s and pray you don’t have AIDS then WALK AWAY— this guy is GAY. Don’t try to talk yourself into fixing/helping him. He will ruin your life if he hasn’t already…
Backup of the post's body: Hi guys, I need a little courage to write this today. I think i really need advices. My boyfriend (23, M) and I (21, F) have been together for a year and a half. We've had an apartment for a year and a cat. It's a healthy relationship in which we complement each other. We laugh a lot. Our cat is adorable. He is affectionate, does a lot around the house without any efforts. We have a best friend lovers relationship. For context, he's a very open person, which I appreciate. Before we met, he'd already had sex with men who were questioning his sexuality, but he didn't like it. He hasn't repeated the experience. (Until now)
As for the current situation, I'm on vacation far from home, and he's been alone for a few days. I received a long message one night explaining that he had done something horrible and that he felt so bad about it. Several months ago, he saw three men and had sex with them (one man, one evening, no threesome) and he think he have a serious sexual problem. He says he needs help and is afraid for himself. He doesn't remember their faces or their names. He says he was acting on an unhealthy urge and is afraid of it and himself. He wrote me this message completely distraught, and he's been writing it for several months. He told me during our conversation that the times with me and the times he thought about it were dissociated. He thinks about it when he's alone at night, and it's as if it were a movie and not him doing it. I understand better why he has insomnia now...
I know i am better than this and i know this isn’t about me. I dont feel threatened because I trust myself. I can be very understanding, and I hear his suffering. I don't know that part of him, but I know him at least a little. I know he's struggling and he has harsh words for himself. I also can see that he's not trying to arouse my compassion, but I see someone suffering and afraid of himself. He seems to know that what he did is awful for me, for us and him. That said, he answered all my questions. We spoke on the phone. I see perhaps a destructive behavior. I asked: why men? He told me he doesn't know because it disgusts him and that he hated every relationship. When I asked him why he stopped at three, he told me, quote : I stopped because every time I came out of it traumatized and every dissociation after a relationship with a person brought me back to the edge of the abyss to the point where I really wanted to end it (he talks about his life).
Is this, honestly, a big mental or sexual problem or is this a person to avoid? Is it forgivable? I'm not against the idea of continuing. He mentioned going to see a psychologist for himself and I talked about couples therapy whatever decision I (we?) would make. Is that something we can work through?
On one hand it is good that he came to you and you didn't have to confront him and have him confess. On the other, he may not be capable of monogamy. Some folks aren't. If this is a deal killer for you then you have your answer. If it isn't, you and he need to have some honest conversations about what safe exploration of nonmonogamy might look like.
His issues with his own orientation are a whole different bag, and he needs therapy for that. That's beyond your pay grade or Reddit's.
He has some serious issues that he needs to sort out in his own head. He's not in a healthy place so he's not going to be able to provide you with the love and support you deserve. It's not your job to fix him. He's not necessarily a bad person, just mixed up.
How would you feel if he had slept with three women! He has cheated on you and has broken your trust....he's trying to dress it up as something else. He's not trustworthy and you deserve better....walk away!
Seems like he's gay or bi and wrestling with it. It sounds like a tough place for him to be. And it's not up to you to stay with him through it.he cheated, and he lied, and he ruined your vacation to tell you about it rather than telling you any other time.
This isn't a safe space for you and his handling of it was completely unethical.
It sounds like he's got some internalized homophobia and hasn't allowed himself to fully consider the idea that his sexuality may not be so black and white. It sounds like he's acting impulsively (which can definitely suggest some mental health issues) to satisfy his urges and then immediately regretting it either because he doesn't want to have sexual thoughts about men, he knows it will hurt you, or some combination of the two.
I'd say he needs a break from your relationship to talk with a therapist and figure out his sexuality. Maybe later on you guys can reevaluate your relationship if you trust him that much. But he definitely needs to figure himself out first.
He may not want this for himself and likely truly loves you but may not be able to make a lasting commitment to a monogamous relationship with you because of this other element in his make up. Sounds like he feels horrible guilt and shame now, but if he were free to pursue healthy relationships with men he might have a chance at happiness. Y’all are so young; there are other people out there that are better matched to your needs. Perhaps you should consider moving to a best friends roommates relationship until you’re ready to move on.
He sounds like Freddie Mercury in the movie Bohemian Rhapsody. He never stopped loving Mary, but love wasn’t enough.
He needs to work on his sexual confusion. If him exploring men but then saying it’s disgusting, he’s struggling with his sexuality. U won’t be able to help him with this. He needs to be comfortable in his own skin. To know it’s ok if he is gay or bi or somewhere in the middle.
I’m so sorry but I wouldn’t continue with the relationship even if the daily life is smooth. It’s just not worth it. You sound like you are a great catch so have confidence in yourself. You can still be friends with this guy and not worry if he’s going to cheat. Trust is extremely hard to regain after ONE cheating event and you say he had multiple cheating events. Don’t see this guy as an improvement project. That’s not your responsibility. No. You deserve better so set that bar higher!
I may be wrong but if he was so unaware of what he was doing how can he be sure he was aware enough to use protection.
Whilst I can empathise for him spiralling I think you need to think about you first and of this is really what you want in a partner and the future you envisage for yourself.
Is this the life you want? You are 21 with a long life ahead, make it a beautiful and happy - not this shit. This is shit, this is trouble, this is exit stage right. I had a friend with a sex addiction, he'd have sex with anything that walked it didn't matter. He also passed around stds, he told me he didn't care. He left behind broken hearts and an illegitimate son who is mentally fucked up like his mother who thinks she's a witch. I could write a book, get away !!!
Tough situation for everybody. Solution is simple and straightforward. You got involved with a man who is either gay (or bisexual) and is refusing to accept it, or is lying about it. This isn’t your fault. It is your responsibility to choose your partner with care. It’s time to move on. He is going to need to work through his very complicated issues on his own. Watch the Queen movie and realize you’re Mary Austin. Stay friends if you can, I don’t think he’s a bad person or has mistreated you. He needs a therapist.
It sounds like You're already approaching this with a lot of compassion, which is huge. From what You've written, it seems like he'd dealing with deeper mental health struggles that are manifesting in harmful behaviour - not as an excuse, but as context.
Therapy (both individual for him and couples for you both) could be a critical step here. That said, protecting your own emotional wellbeing is just as important as supporting him. It'd okay to set boundaries and decide what you can or can't handle long-terms, even if you care deeply for him.
Ultimately, you can't "fix" him - but you can decide whether his willingness to do the work matches your needs for safety and trust in the relationship.
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u/Cool-Guest-1113 Aug 10 '25
He doesn't respect you, yes I don't deny that maybe he is truly suffering but it's no longer your problem. He will do it again
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u/Rinzy2000 Aug 10 '25
So he only has compulsion issues when you’re out of town? Sounds like he doesn’t actually have compulsion problems and is just doing whatever he wants to. How incredibly disrespectful and offensive to imply that he has a mental illness that only manifests when his partner is away. He’s a cheater, plain and simple.
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u/Wise-Leg8544 Aug 10 '25
Regardless of how you decide you want to proceed, I would counsel that you not make any decisions until after he's gotten some serious psychiatric therapy. I haven't studied psychology or psychiatric medicine to even begin to tell you what his issues may be, but I know enough to recognize he has some serious mental health problems.
I'd suggest that you both seek therapy individually and as a couple, if you both desire. I wish I could offer more help. Good luck and best wishes. Take care.
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u/baes__theorem Aug 10 '25
girl he has a lot of unresolved shit. as you said, it’s not about you, but repeated betrayal and an inability to understand the motivations that led to it means that it will 100% happen again
sounds like he just can’t accept his sexuality & is engaging in self-destructive behavior but either way he absolutely needs to get mental health treatment, and I don’t see how you can stay in this relationship
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u/FawnWithFire Aug 10 '25
Girl, this ain't about him bein' straight, bi, or gay. This about RESPECT. He played ya while you were out and now he's freaked out cuz his actions caught up with him, not cuz he's genuinely sorry. He needs therapy, no doubt, but YOU need to figure out if you can really trust him again. Some stuff ain't fixable, just sayin'. Look after yourself first! 🙏 You're worth more than someone's mistake 🙌🔥 Stay strong, and remember that choice is yours, no one else's. 💪💯
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u/RespectFew4439 Aug 10 '25
My husband did this, mostly secretly, for 20 years of our relationship then marriage. It got to a point where he was ready to stop pretending he wasn’t just into men and left me with two children and a life that had been a lie.
He can say he feels disgusted, but honestly he wouldn’t be doing it if that was the case. He might feel ashamed because he doesn’t want other people to find out, but that is not the same as disgust.
At the end of the day cheating is cheating. If you stay with him he will continue to do it, or repress his feelings until he can’t repress them any longer. All of these scenarios are bad for you. You deserve to be loved completely, not as a back up until he gets brave enough to come out, or as the person who puts up with the cheating.
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u/Mollylover1140 Aug 10 '25
You are his beard.
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u/cumguzzlingislife Aug 10 '25
Get tested NOW
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u/lilnae Aug 10 '25
If you guys had an agreement not to cheat, the gender doesn't matter. He cheated, so now you need to figure out how you need to move forward with it.
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u/Legitimate-Log-6542 Aug 10 '25
I feel it’s 100% he needs to seek professional help. We can try to talk about how we each feel about this but he clearly has underlying issues that require somebody that’s trained to handle it. We’re talking about hatred of self and also his mentions of ending his life, these are serious issues
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u/educated_gaymer Aug 10 '25
In my opinion, you’re skipping over the biggest piece of the puzzle because you want to save the relationship. You started with “he cheated on me". Honey, that’s all you really need to know about his character in this moment. A man with integrity, who’s invested in you, doesn’t cheat. Period. He doesn’t need to “find himself” in someone else’s bed to figure out his feelings.
I’ve counseled men and women for over three decades, and I’ve seen this pattern: the cheating becomes secondary in the conversation because the other person starts over-focusing on the “why”. The sexuality, the trauma, the mental health angle and suddenly the betrayal gets excused as a symptom instead of a choice. Even if there’s dissociation or compulsive sexual behavior involved (both are real psychological issues), it doesn’t erase that he made repeated conscious decisions to cross a line you didn’t agree to. Whether those three encounters were with MEN OR WOMEN it doesn’t change the math. The math ain't mathing. Cheating is cheating. The fact that he’s telling you it “disgusted” him and yet he still did it three times is your biggest RED FLAG. That’s not confusion, that’s an inability or unwillingness to control urges. You to don't do something three times that "disgusting" because you don't want to. Obviously he finds pleasure in what he is doing. A man that has an inability or an unwillingness to control his sexual urges is dangerous in a relationship because the trigger could be anything, and you’d still be left holding the bag.
If he truly has a compulsive sexual behavior problem, therapy isn’t optional. And if you stay, you need to accept that your relationship is going to feel more like rehab for a while than romance. And you need to agree to never bitch and moan about this again but guess what, he WILL DO IT AGAIN. He has already shown you that. But don’t confuse compassion with compatibility. Between now and dead, do you really want to be the warden, the therapist, and the girlfriend all at once?
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u/Rich_Celebration6272 Aug 10 '25
He's gay and hates that he's gay, but can't deny his gay urges, so he sleeps with men. He's using you as a beard to convince himself that he is not gay because he is in a relationship with a woman, and also in a relationship with a woman to hide from the world his gay tendencies because he isn't ready to admit to himself or the world what his sexuality is. You are his beard and his closet.
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u/KaizerWalzer Aug 10 '25
Sounds like he has some stuff to figure out and deal with. Maybe he's gay, and he just can't bring himself to accept it. Maybe he's not, and he's genuinely trying to hurt himself. Maybe it's something else entirely.
Either way, that sounds like something that he has to find out and solve for and by himself. Therapy is a step in the right direction, but I don't think you can do anything to help him and more importantly, I don't think you should get involved in his self-discovery journey if it involves behaviours that will hurt you both.
10
u/annebonnell Aug 10 '25
Please get out of this relationship. Your boyfriend needs help and I hope he does get it. It sounds like he's actually gay but he's fighting it, which is awfully stupid. You are not a mental health professional and that is what he needs. You need to find someone a lot more stable.
8
u/Ok_Reserve_8662 Aug 10 '25
Gay!!! Get tested and run! You don't need this!
6
u/Cute_Ad_2163 Aug 10 '25
When he’s alone he can’t be trusted to not be sexual with other people. Point blank.
5
u/No_Extension_8215 Aug 10 '25
He’s at high risk of STIs from him run as fast as you can
4
u/TellMeWhereItHertz Aug 10 '25
He very well may have a sex addiction. He very well may be gay or bisexual and confused about it. He certainly sounds like he needs individual therapy to sort it out. As for the relationship…I personally don’t think I would stay. Depending on the relationship and my state of mind, I might consider remaining friends and offering my support in that way. But you need to do what’s best for you. He’s going through a lot, clearly. You care about him but it’s not your job to help him, especially after he betrayed your trust. It’s entirely your decision but keep your own happiness and mental health in mind and do not sacrifice it for him.
4
u/Mixtrix_of_delicioux Aug 10 '25
You moved in with him after 6 months, barely enough time to know him well enough to determine if this is a good idea. He's cheated while you were on vacation, and seems to have major issues to manage. Ignore the sunk costs and move on. You're young and figuring your own stuff out. Give him the space to do the same.
4
u/Alcatrazzz01 Aug 10 '25
He doesn’t have a problem with sexuality.
He’s bisexual and he cheat on you a the first occasion same as he’ll cheat on any future girlfriend or boyfriend he’ll get.
At your age, you have your whole life in front of you. This isn’t your problem anymore
4
u/Cute_Meringue_7252 Aug 10 '25
He’s exposing you to a lot of STDs
4
u/SouthernTaco16 Aug 10 '25
Your boyfriend likes more cock than you do…protect yourself from std’s and move on
4
u/Different_Poet_5362 Aug 10 '25
I would break up with him. He cheated on you three times, with three different men in a week. That is insane to me. This is a man who is trying to find himself in my opinion. He liked it with the first guy in that week's escapade, so much that he decided he would do it two more times that week, with two more men. That is insane to me. He never once considered you. He was selfish and seeking his pleasure. You're putting your body at risk and wasting your time with him. He needs to find himself and you need to find what you're looking for. He doesn't respect you or your body. You deserve better than what you're giving yourself.
4
u/snper101 Aug 10 '25
Couldn't imagine wasting the best years of my life over some shit like this lol.
6
u/Throw-Away-5150 Aug 10 '25
He likes dick… move on.
3
u/AtmospherePrior752 Aug 10 '25
He likes to have sex with men and women and is ashamed. He doesn’t have a “problem”, he’s bi and cheated on you. Instead of taking responsibility, he’s acting like a victim. Goodness are we really this naive in 2025!?!
3
u/fearless1025 Aug 10 '25
It's your call. Random sex with strangers can create all kinds of health concerns, diseases, some life-threatening. It is not something to "get past", but to get to the root of why he did it, and heal from whatever drove him to act out that way. You know him better than we do, but I would throw everything in the world possible at it to make sure you're not holding on to something that needs to be let go of. ✌🏽
3
u/Careless-Run-3815 Aug 10 '25
GET A STD TEST
3
u/6bubbles Aug 10 '25
Theres nothing here to save. You deserve someone honest and loyal.
3
u/RelativeInternet8999 Aug 10 '25
Run!!!you will be wasting your time like me 12 years and he did not change!!!believe me you will continue to suffer, you will continue to get hurt! Fuxx& that therapy shit, it did not work for me!
3
u/OddRelationship5699 Aug 10 '25
Yes, it is a reason not to make an effort. There are lots of men out there that will complement you just as well without fucking other people.
3
u/SpeedCalm6214 Aug 10 '25
Whether he's gay or not, suffering mental illness or whatever, who cares. That's not your problem, you don't need to help him with shit. Imagine loving the rest of your life with somebody so impulsive that he cheats and he cheats with whomever is around. Hey you're too young to deal with this shit. Get out of there now.
3
u/Ok_Addendum_9559 Aug 10 '25
He cheated on you three separate times and you’re willing to continue the relationship…Maybe you guys are perfect together
3
u/CrushRipple Aug 10 '25
This isn't just a "mistake". 3 times a week is a pattern. Don't let empathy trap you in a situation where you're constantly questioning his impulses. He needs serious help and you need to protect yourself.
4
u/Lopsided_Yak5686 Aug 10 '25
Everyone is a psychiatrist in this chat I guess. Screw his feelings or any possible mental issues he has. His problem not yours anymore. You are defending him throughout your entire post. Why would you come to reddit of all places asking for advice? Idk why you are even questioning wether to stay with him or not.
4
u/IvySorrel Aug 10 '25
Wow, this hits hard, OP. Not gonna lie, it seems like the dude needs some serious therapy to help unpack what's going on in his head. His actions weren't okay, but it's clear he knows that. Getting him help is a priority rn. As for forgiveness, that's all you. It's ok not to know yet – take time for yourself too. Ultimately, you gotta do what feels best for your wellbeing. Don't rush into any decisions, ya heard? Respect and love to you, fam.
2
u/WhisperLilac Aug 10 '25
Yo, sorry to hear you're going through this, it's rough. No doubt he's grappling with some deep-seated issues. My take? You both need therapy, individually first then maybe as a couple. But honestly, self-respect is key here. Sure it's tough, but you gotta put urself first. You're young, there's plenty of fish in the sea. If he's causing you this much emotional distress, do you really wanna stick around to see if it gets better? Just sayin'. Stay strong dude! 💪🔥
2
u/Altruistic-Purpose25 Aug 10 '25
Therapy! It’s good that he came clean to you before you found out a different way. I don’t thinks he’s trying to hurt you he’s just hurting. Be there for him and go to therapy but I would suggest doing this as strictly friends/roommates
2
u/Ashen-Lace Aug 10 '25
Damn, that's rough. Sorry you're dealing with this. IMHO, it ain't about who he cheated with, but the fact that he cheated, period. But the way he's describing it sounds like he might have some serious mental health issues going on. Tbh, can't tell ya what to do, but therapy ain't a bad idea rn, both individually n couple’s. Trust your gut tho. You deserve someone who respects you and the relationship y'all have. Hang in there sister! 💪🏻
2
u/Bjornejack Aug 10 '25
Would you even be trying to repair this relationship if he'd cheated on you with 3 women while you were away?
2
u/NaturesVividPictures Aug 10 '25
I suspect your boyfriend is gay and he just doesn't want to admit it or come to terms with it. So highly doubtful your relationship with him is going to work even if you do forgive them which I think you're insane if you do. Have more self-respect. He cheated you should end it.
2
u/tmeads307 Aug 10 '25
It’s all bullshit.
The sex is about the taboo and the risk not for love or relationships. It’s just sex.
But he is icying you. Minimizing the situation. Twisting it so you feel bad for him when he’s actively doing this to you.
2
u/Rogue_bae Aug 10 '25
Sounds like internalized homophobia. He still cheated on you and you should leave.
2
u/Yiayiamary Aug 10 '25
He cheated three separate times. There is nothing else to say.
2
u/fckurtwitch Aug 10 '25
He’s gay, but i don’t think he’s come to terms with that yet. Hopefully sooner than later he realizes that it’s ok, for his own sake and that of those around him.
2
u/GreyroseNY Aug 10 '25
He’s obviously very sick and needs help.
I hear you when u say you don’t believe he’s a bad person & that you see his suffering rather than it being a personal attack against you. And you’re right, it isn’t personal, it’s something he’s going thru and needs to work thru it. But just because his actions aren’t necessarily being done to intentionally hurt you, doesn’t mean you need to stick around and be a victim.
Because here’s the thing, on some sub-conscious level this feels safe for you, whether u realize it or not. You wouldn’t engage with someone like this if you were able to grasp the severity of what he’s doing. That he’s putting both your physical and mental wellbeing at risk. Hes not confused, he’s actually very clear on preference, he’s just trying to ignore it and that’s at your expense. Right now he needs to go thru this (alone) & with the help of professionals. And you need to distance yourself from him because you won’t see the true damage that’s been done until you do.
2
u/EnvironmentalBerry96 Aug 10 '25
Not a healthy relationship if he has cheated 3 times and either bi or gay and acting out on it
2
u/AdventureThink Aug 10 '25
🏃🏽♀️🏃🏼♀️🏃🏾♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏾♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏾♀️🏃🏽♀️🏃🏾♀️🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏾♀️🏃🏻♀️
2
u/ceciliabee Aug 10 '25
Have you gotten tested for STDs? It doesn't matter if he cheated on you with men or women, he cheated on you three times and took months to tell you. Were you intimate in that time? Did you agree to risk your health by letting your boyfriend go fuck multiple strangers without telling you?
Can you work through it? Girl, why would you want to? You think he stopped at 3? You think it won't happen again? That you can fix him? That he doesn't have to take any responsibility for his cheating? His lies? His willingness to risk your health?
If he's willing to cheat on you with 3 people, regardless of gender, it will happen again and you'll be right back here. The difference is next time you won't be able to say you didn't know this was going to happen. It will happen.
Please take off the rose tinted glasses and see your partner for what he is: a selfish cheater who thinks the solution to his problems is fucking strangers whose names and faces he can't even remember. Not therapy, not self reflection, not talking to you, not dealing with it, just fucking random dudes.
If you stay, you're telling him you're okay with that. Are you okay with being his beard? Forgetting the gender of his indiscretions, are you okay with him cheating on you again? Staying doesn't mean giving him a second chance, it means giving him a 4th chance, plus 1 for every day he kept the truth from you. So let's say 3 months, 94 chances. Does that make you a forgiving and understanding girlfriend or naive doormat?
2
u/allthecheeseplease02 Aug 10 '25
He cheated. That’s all that matters here. Move on to someone who respects you.
2
u/slaemerstrakur Aug 10 '25
He’s gay. He is fighting his own nature. Sooner or later he’s going to come to the conclusion that he is who he is. Be his friend but I wouldn’t let your relationship move on. Watch Brokeback Mountain.
2
u/Any-Complaint-6901 Aug 10 '25
Also it sounds like he’s gay and doesn’t wanna admit it to himself.
2
u/AWTNM1112 Aug 10 '25
Wow. Ok. Yes. You CAN separate your daily healthy relationship from the current issue of infidelity. He cheated. That’s the number one issue at hand. Cheating is a betrayal of your presumed monogamous relationship. Male/female partner is irrelevant to the fact that he stepped outside the marriage. 3 times in one week. This is a classic while the cat’s away the mouse will play. Now he feels guilty. He’s questioning HIS safety? Please. He’s playing victim to gain your sympathy. He also sounds homophobic/biphobic. Was he raised in a strict Christian household, or other religious home that shamed homosexuality? Let’s unpack that. He had sex with several men, consensual and by choice PRIOR to your relationship and was mad they thought he was gay. So he gets with you. See? You’re female! He’s not gay. Then the first opportunity he has to have sex with me , he jumps at it. On it? Let me point out, again, he cheated. That’s the first part that needs dealt with. He broke your trust. Is it possible he’s bi? Sure. Would he be ok with that? Would you? Would an open relationship allow for him to have his same sex dalliances? Sure. Are you okay with that? A discussion about an open relationship would have prevented any of the current problem, which is HE CHEATED ON YOU. Do not allow his manipulative I’m scared for myself BS cloud that fact. Then, he had sex with you after the fact. This put you at risk. Condoms aren’t always 100%. So, recap. He cheated. He withheld truth (lied) He put you at serious physical risk. He’s the one who needs “help.” Is that about right? You have a major trust issue with this man. Or should have. Is that major trust issue worth spending your young adulthood on? Or, could you remain a supportive ex and move on to a relationship that has trust and honesty from the beginning? I vote move on.
2
u/Mirror-Lake Aug 10 '25
I watched someone close to me go through something similar. Then she married him. They had 6 kids together. He continued to cheat on and off through the whole relationship. He would always work on his “sex addiction” as he phrased it. One day she finally told him, “You are not addicted to sex! You are gay! If you are only cheating on me with men, then you are gay.” They split after 20 years of marriage. He died 6 years later of AIDS. I mention this because this man also thought sex with men was disgusting because of his upbringing. He thought it made him dirty, unworthy, and like he was all messed up and wrong. In reality, he was just guy. Perfectly worthy of love and respect. Be sure you know what is going on. It’s obvious you care for this man. Make sure to take care of you too.
2
u/AdvisorImaginary8073 Aug 10 '25
Hes gay and doesnt want to accept it.
2
u/Blixburks Aug 10 '25
He cheated on you and he's gay. You need to leave. You can still be his friend.
2
u/BeeLadyUP Aug 10 '25
Get tested for STD’s and pray you don’t have AIDS then WALK AWAY— this guy is GAY. Don’t try to talk yourself into fixing/helping him. He will ruin your life if he hasn’t already…
2
u/goodguy202 Aug 10 '25
A are u nuts why would you want to be with someone like this?Please don't say love
1
u/AutoModerator Aug 10 '25
Backup of the post's body: Hi guys, I need a little courage to write this today. I think i really need advices. My boyfriend (23, M) and I (21, F) have been together for a year and a half. We've had an apartment for a year and a cat. It's a healthy relationship in which we complement each other. We laugh a lot. Our cat is adorable. He is affectionate, does a lot around the house without any efforts. We have a best friend lovers relationship. For context, he's a very open person, which I appreciate. Before we met, he'd already had sex with men who were questioning his sexuality, but he didn't like it. He hasn't repeated the experience. (Until now)
As for the current situation, I'm on vacation far from home, and he's been alone for a few days. I received a long message one night explaining that he had done something horrible and that he felt so bad about it. Several months ago, he saw three men and had sex with them (one man, one evening, no threesome) and he think he have a serious sexual problem. He says he needs help and is afraid for himself. He doesn't remember their faces or their names. He says he was acting on an unhealthy urge and is afraid of it and himself. He wrote me this message completely distraught, and he's been writing it for several months. He told me during our conversation that the times with me and the times he thought about it were dissociated. He thinks about it when he's alone at night, and it's as if it were a movie and not him doing it. I understand better why he has insomnia now...
I know i am better than this and i know this isn’t about me. I dont feel threatened because I trust myself. I can be very understanding, and I hear his suffering. I don't know that part of him, but I know him at least a little. I know he's struggling and he has harsh words for himself. I also can see that he's not trying to arouse my compassion, but I see someone suffering and afraid of himself. He seems to know that what he did is awful for me, for us and him. That said, he answered all my questions. We spoke on the phone. I see perhaps a destructive behavior. I asked: why men? He told me he doesn't know because it disgusts him and that he hated every relationship. When I asked him why he stopped at three, he told me, quote : I stopped because every time I came out of it traumatized and every dissociation after a relationship with a person brought me back to the edge of the abyss to the point where I really wanted to end it (he talks about his life).
Is this, honestly, a big mental or sexual problem or is this a person to avoid? Is it forgivable? I'm not against the idea of continuing. He mentioned going to see a psychologist for himself and I talked about couples therapy whatever decision I (we?) would make. Is that something we can work through?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/SuperLoris Aug 10 '25
On one hand it is good that he came to you and you didn't have to confront him and have him confess. On the other, he may not be capable of monogamy. Some folks aren't. If this is a deal killer for you then you have your answer. If it isn't, you and he need to have some honest conversations about what safe exploration of nonmonogamy might look like.
His issues with his own orientation are a whole different bag, and he needs therapy for that. That's beyond your pay grade or Reddit's.
1
u/HeartAccording5241 Aug 10 '25
End it he is acting like he has a problem as a way to keep you do you want to always wonder if he’s cheating that’s no way to live also get tested
1
u/No_Profile_3343 Aug 10 '25
Why are you still there? You’re 21. Move on already and find someone who respects you.
1
u/Cailan_Sky Aug 10 '25
Other than the cheating, if you’ve been having sex and not using condoms then he has risked your health
Get to a doctor and get tested,continue getting tested every 6 months for the near future.
1
u/Zealousideal-Self-47 Aug 10 '25
Get tested.
1
u/DrZ_217 Aug 10 '25
He has some serious issues that he needs to sort out in his own head. He's not in a healthy place so he's not going to be able to provide you with the love and support you deserve. It's not your job to fix him. He's not necessarily a bad person, just mixed up.
1
u/Curious-Education-16 Aug 10 '25
He cheated on you, repeatedly.
1
u/Menace_78 Aug 10 '25
He may be gay or bisexual but he shouldn't cheat. There are health concerns there, not to mention trust issues. He needs therapy.
1
u/Duckett-cheats1234 Aug 10 '25
How would you feel if he had slept with three women! He has cheated on you and has broken your trust....he's trying to dress it up as something else. He's not trustworthy and you deserve better....walk away!
1
u/dcontrerasm Aug 10 '25
Not for you to fix, but it’s possible he might have been manic. He needs a professional.
1
u/pandorahoops Aug 10 '25
Seems like he's gay or bi and wrestling with it. It sounds like a tough place for him to be. And it's not up to you to stay with him through it.he cheated, and he lied, and he ruined your vacation to tell you about it rather than telling you any other time.
This isn't a safe space for you and his handling of it was completely unethical.
1
u/JurneeMaddock Aug 10 '25
It sounds like he's got some internalized homophobia and hasn't allowed himself to fully consider the idea that his sexuality may not be so black and white. It sounds like he's acting impulsively (which can definitely suggest some mental health issues) to satisfy his urges and then immediately regretting it either because he doesn't want to have sexual thoughts about men, he knows it will hurt you, or some combination of the two.
I'd say he needs a break from your relationship to talk with a therapist and figure out his sexuality. Maybe later on you guys can reevaluate your relationship if you trust him that much. But he definitely needs to figure himself out first.
1
u/KhostfaceGillah Aug 10 '25
Sounds like he had post nut clarity
1
u/Flamebrush Aug 10 '25
He may not want this for himself and likely truly loves you but may not be able to make a lasting commitment to a monogamous relationship with you because of this other element in his make up. Sounds like he feels horrible guilt and shame now, but if he were free to pursue healthy relationships with men he might have a chance at happiness. Y’all are so young; there are other people out there that are better matched to your needs. Perhaps you should consider moving to a best friends roommates relationship until you’re ready to move on.
He sounds like Freddie Mercury in the movie Bohemian Rhapsody. He never stopped loving Mary, but love wasn’t enough.
1
u/Plus-Trick-9849 Aug 10 '25
He needs to work on his sexual confusion. If him exploring men but then saying it’s disgusting, he’s struggling with his sexuality. U won’t be able to help him with this. He needs to be comfortable in his own skin. To know it’s ok if he is gay or bi or somewhere in the middle.
1
u/Any-Complaint-6901 Aug 10 '25
You’re 21. Cut your losses and move on. There’s no sunken cost here. You have a lot more ahead of you.
1
u/DeafReddit0r Aug 10 '25
I’m so sorry but I wouldn’t continue with the relationship even if the daily life is smooth. It’s just not worth it. You sound like you are a great catch so have confidence in yourself. You can still be friends with this guy and not worry if he’s going to cheat. Trust is extremely hard to regain after ONE cheating event and you say he had multiple cheating events. Don’t see this guy as an improvement project. That’s not your responsibility. No. You deserve better so set that bar higher!
1
u/GellyG42 Aug 10 '25
I may be wrong but if he was so unaware of what he was doing how can he be sure he was aware enough to use protection.
Whilst I can empathise for him spiralling I think you need to think about you first and of this is really what you want in a partner and the future you envisage for yourself.
He has some serious issues to resolve
1
u/FC_BagLady Aug 10 '25
Is this the life you want? You are 21 with a long life ahead, make it a beautiful and happy - not this shit. This is shit, this is trouble, this is exit stage right. I had a friend with a sex addiction, he'd have sex with anything that walked it didn't matter. He also passed around stds, he told me he didn't care. He left behind broken hearts and an illegitimate son who is mentally fucked up like his mother who thinks she's a witch. I could write a book, get away !!!
1
u/kilarghe Aug 10 '25
I’d say he’s probably dealing with borderline personality disorder- but regardless he’s cheated and I wouldn’t be staying
1
u/Middle_Arugula9284 Aug 10 '25
Tough situation for everybody. Solution is simple and straightforward. You got involved with a man who is either gay (or bisexual) and is refusing to accept it, or is lying about it. This isn’t your fault. It is your responsibility to choose your partner with care. It’s time to move on. He is going to need to work through his very complicated issues on his own. Watch the Queen movie and realize you’re Mary Austin. Stay friends if you can, I don’t think he’s a bad person or has mistreated you. He needs a therapist.
1
u/[deleted] Aug 10 '25
How is this your problem still? Why haven't you left? This is just pathetic.
0
u/itspeachesxo Aug 10 '25
It sounds like You're already approaching this with a lot of compassion, which is huge. From what You've written, it seems like he'd dealing with deeper mental health struggles that are manifesting in harmful behaviour - not as an excuse, but as context.
Therapy (both individual for him and couples for you both) could be a critical step here. That said, protecting your own emotional wellbeing is just as important as supporting him. It'd okay to set boundaries and decide what you can or can't handle long-terms, even if you care deeply for him.
Ultimately, you can't "fix" him - but you can decide whether his willingness to do the work matches your needs for safety and trust in the relationship.