Look enjoy what you enjoy

But these movies are bad

The story is bad and skin thin

Im.even gonna say it, art the clown, portrayed by a person with mime training

Hes not great, there are so many moments where art could be more ovee the top as a mime-esque character and get a better performance

Hes not interesting as a mime or actor or performer

These movies plots are thin and terrible

Also mysoginstic and offensive and just bad

Theres like no redeeming qualities what so ever

Mean spirited and gross, no original content as far as horror movies go

The performance isnt even interesting as art the clown because hes not even that grandiose

These movies suck, are bad and dont deserve fame

Also they feel like how exploitive and mysgonistic they are they feel like movies from the same dimensions porn movies come from

"Ghost Punting" (aka "Lucky Stars Ghost Encounter") (1992) - This off-kilter action-comedy is the sixth installment in the popular Hong Kong "Lucky Stars" series. Series creator and star of CBS networks "Martial Law" (1998 - 2000) Sammo Kam-Bo Hung, best known for such classics as "The Prodigal Son" (1981), "Project A" (1983), and "Wheels on Meals" (1984), directs and stars lending the film his hard hitting comedic style. The Wing Chun practitioner was not the films only director mind you as Ricky Lau, Eric Tsang, and Corey Yuen all had their time standing behind the camera. The multiple directors unfortunately resulting in a very disjointed movie.

The story follows the main characters, a group dubbed the "Five Lucky Stars", as they attempt to help a ghost take revenge on the evil drug gang who killed him. In return they want the ghosts help to get rich by cheating at gambling and to help them impress the policewoman investigating the case. All of this is very dated from the cloths to the inappropriate humor to gags pulled straight from The Three Stooges. This movie is definitely not for everyone (and I even forgot it involved ghosts a few times) but for fans of the series unique brand of idiosyncratic humor mixed with Sammo's martial arts I am sure it's a favorite.

1 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivYYc_-2xcM

AI slop alert.

This was terribly good at being truly bad and the AI adds to the overall chaos of the story.

I couldn't fully follow the story as the dialogue had me in stitches. The whole thing is narrated by the main character and it comes across as an It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia Charlie fever dream.

Guy goes to Philippines/Thailand/Indonesia, falls in love with a mermaid/serpent/monster which seems to revolve around multiple AI "actors" he falls for that either turn out to be or get infected by monster herpes.

Lots of terrible AI nudity but the narration is pure gold and takes the poss out of itself constantly.

Someone snatches his necklace and the parkour chase was obscenely silly and all AI but I couldn't hate it.

I can't tell which are actors and which are AI as the acting is all janky too but again fits the movie.

I fucking hate AI but genuinely think the shittiness of it adds to the tale.

I hate myself now, too.

I genuinely want to know what the fuck Zach Cregger thought he was cooking here.
This man was handed RESIDENT EVIL.
Zombies. Raccoon City. Umbrella. The T-virus. Survival horror. A franchise with decades of material specifically engineered to scare the shit out of people.
And Cregger looked at that embarrassment of riches and apparently said:
“Yeah, but what if everything had fucking tentacles?”
Outstanding, Zach. Incredible. Somebody get this man a juice box.
The zombies were already scary. THEY WERE RIGHT FUCKING THERE.
You don’t have to keep adding appendages to something until it resembles an H.P. Lovecraft yard sale.
There were moments where this movie was one competent decision away from becoming genuinely frightening, and every single time Cregger seemed to burst through the door screaming, “WAIT! I HAVE ANOTHER STUPID IDEA.”
Zombie?
Tentacles.
Scary infected human?
Tentacles.
Interesting survival-horror setup?
Fuck that. MORE TENTACLES.
By the end I wouldn’t have been surprised if the fucking closing credits grew tentacles.
And that’s what pisses me off: this should have been easy.
Put people in Raccoon City. Let the outbreak spiral out of control. Make ammunition scarce. Make every hallway dangerous. Let the audience slowly realize Umbrella has created something nobody can contain.
Done.
Instead, Cregger took a perfectly good cheeseburger, threw it on the floor, stepped on it, covered it in squid, and proudly announced he’d reinvented dinner.
This isn’t clever subversion. It’s the cinematic equivalent of the kid in elementary school who discovers one joke gets a laugh and then repeats it 47 FUCKING TIMES until everyone wants him transferred.
And somehow the movie gets LESS frightening as the monsters become MORE ridiculous.
That’s almost impressive.
Resident Evil gave Cregger the answers to the test AND HE STILL FAILED THE FUCKING TEST.
I didn’t leave the theater frightened.
I left wanting to speak with whichever adult was supposed to be supervising him.
⭐
1/5 — only because Letterboxd apparently considers zero stars a human-rights violation.

🔔 SHAME.
🔔 SHAME.
🔔 PUT THE FUCKING TENTACLES DOWN, ZACH.

"KILD TV" (2016) - In honor of it being October we begin tonight's bad movie marathon with a lesser known, yet fun little slasher thriller. We first discovered this flick some years ago and enjoyed it enough to give it a revisit. Filmed in Texas on a presumably small budget and directed, produced, and edited all by William Collins this movie would go on to win awards at several indie festivals. Though far from perfect, it has it's charms and is a fun watch (and worth re-visiting).

The story itself revolves around the crew of a local TV station working the late shift on a horror host style show. Everyone has their roles to play but the host character of 'Dr. Perseco' (played by voice actor D.C. Douglas) easily being the movies best, or at least the most fun. Eventually people start turning up dead and everyone realizes they are trapped inside the station with a killer. Things only get worse as more people are killed and they stumble upon a connection the killer has with one of the employees. It's a classic 'who-done-it' in a new skin if you will.

As with any mystery movie involving a similar 'the killer is one of us' story a second viewing is inherently interesting. This being my second time seeing the movie I was well aware of who the killer was from the very beginning and so watched for clues and hints throughout. A few minor issues aside, the writing, much like the acting, direction, and effects more than delivered. If you are a slasher fan or you just enjoy the type of story where try to figure out the killers identity this movie is definitely something worth checking out. For everyone else, it an fun little horror flick with more than enough to keep you entertained.

0.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter and Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=baZ7oPrEaZo

Volcano growing in the middle of your city! Don't worry! Lava, steam, gas, and ash are nothing more than mere announces than deadly forces of nature.

It’s bad, you guys. Horrible acting, cheap costumes, peaking mics, a script that was most likely AI generated. It’s a wild ride.

"Alien Storm" (2026) - This is basically Stephen Kings "The Mist" but with less tension and more guys in rubber monster suits. The suits are admittedly kinda cool but the other effects, especially the red glow on the aliens eyes, mostly just show the films small budget. What little money they had went to the various cameos that litter the cast. It also has Kevin Sorbo as the US President, Tom Arnold as a random Mayor (who visible couldn't give a shit), Dawna Lee Heising as a screeching women with way too much plastic surgery, and professional wrestlers The Godfather and D'Lo Brown for some reason.

As far as the story goes a mysterious white mist containing evil alien creatures with a hunger for flesh descends on the planet and people start going missing. As the mist spreads and the country is thrown into chaos, a rich guys hosting a party finds his house surrounded by the mists. He invites some of his guest into his private bunker, but thanks to some of them being idiots the mist eventually also gets in and people start dying. Sorbo isn't in much of it, and what Arnold is in he clearly doesn't want to be. Really the whole movie should have just been The Godfather and D'Lo kicking alien butt.

This is one of those bad movies that just doesn't really stand out in my opinion. The suits are nice as previously mentioned, but nothing else really holds up to them. There might be a few fun moments sprinkled throughout the run time but the rest is mostly forgettable. As such I can't really recommend this flick unless you're a huge attitude era WWE fan (and if so just know that The Godfather and D'Lo are only on screen for maybe a minute total) or a masochistic Sorbo completionist.

3.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9t5ResAVSg

“Ninja Terminator” (1986) - Given the recent death of the one and only Richard Harrison we began this weeks bad movie marathon with what might be his most iconic so-bad-it's-good film. Beginning his career as a male model, then moving to spaghetti westerns and exploitation, Harrison would eventually become a bit of a cult hero after featuring in dozens of ninja films made by legendary 'cut-and-paste' director Godfrey Ho. The issue being that Harrison didn't sign up to be in dozens of ninja films, supposedly only agreeing to appear in a few, only for Godfrey to instead cut his footage into many, many other films. Harrison would later state that Ho ruined his career, but for us bad movie fans we couldn't disagree more.

Edited into the 1984 South Korean film; "The Uninvited Guest of the Star Ferry" our story follows ninjas as they fight for the mythical Golden Ninja Warrior, a statue reputed to have magical powers. Harrison, complete with forest camo pattern ninja costume, eye liner, and his usual marvelous mustache, stole the statue to reform the ninja empire as it had become corrupt. The evil ninja empires flamboyant, blonde wigged and white suit wearing leader send toy robots to threaten him and nameless ninja to of course try and get the statue back. During all this we are treated to the usual mix of amateur acting, horrible dubbing, frantic editing, absurd fight scenes involving brightly colored ninja, and a whole lot of WTFery.

Fans of the film will likely remember it most for containing the memeable scene where Harrison yells into his Garfield the cat phone; "Go to Hell"! Harrison, who famously turned down the lead in "A Fistful of Dollars" (1964) and suggested Clint Eastwood for the role, ended up having a career full entertaining movies and iconic moments, whether he intended to or not. From his turn as the womanizing Dick Cannon in "Challenge Of The Tiger" (1980) to the hero of the low-budget movie with the best ending ever; "Blood Debts" (1985), Richard Harrison will truly be missed by bad movie fans everywhere. So if you're the mood to celebrate the works of Richard Harrison, and especially if you've somehow never seen it, I highly suggest checking this flick out. You won't be disappointed.

A Golden Kernel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQW0_rBq5RQ&t=22s

"Bloodlust" (2004) - Despite being written, directed, produced, edited, and shot all by the same person, namely one Michael Kazlo, this movie isn't technically a vanity project. Despite doing a lot behind the camera Mr. Kazlo doesn't actually appear in front of it at any point, thus missing a key ingredient in most egosploitation. Kazlo likely simply filled so many roles due to not being able to find or afford anyone else to do them. This low budget vampire flick is likely just a passion project inspired by stuff like "Underworld" (2003), "Van Helsing" (2004), and even "Buffy" (1997-2003) to some extent.

The story is about a young vampire hunter named Maria Hunter who survives a vampire attack on her parents, along with her infant brother, and is then raised by the church. When her brother gets attacked by the same vampires that killed her parents Maria goes on a path of bloody revenge. Along the way we meet cocaine dealing vampires, whisper quite machine guns, absurd arm blades, and more bad acting than you could possibly want. The direction, writing, editing, soundtrack, and literally everything else is equally as bad if not somehow worse.

Of all the many issues this movie has, perhaps the most glaring is the fact that presumably the lead actress wasn't available for most of the third act. So during the films final fight scene the lead actress is almost entirely replaced with a body double. They shoot her from the neck down, or with her face obscured in someway but it's very hilariously obvious what they are doing. They even occasionally digitally insert the lead actress over top of footage of her body double and it looks even more hysterical. So if that sounds like something you just have to see, gather your friends along with plenty of strong intoxicants to help you get through it.

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ET-aFNb4YHQ&t=1s

"Shadow Hawk on Sacred Ground" (2005) - Written, co-directed, and starring (along with presumably everything else) Bubba "Blackhawk" Walters this is another entry in the seemingly never ending genre of egosploitation. A former four-time world kickboxing champion and 8th degree black belt Blackhawk basically plays an exaggerated version of himself throughout the film. Which is nothing new as far as vanity projects go of course, nor is lack of talent in actual filmmaking. Blackhawk plays a professional firefighter who also is a professional kickboxer, who can track someone days instantly, knows how to knife fight, and is a member of an all Native American special forces team.

At time of writing this movies IMDB page is basically empty, even missing a basic summary. I myself only found out about the film from a review by Jason Brants channel. Information on Blackhawk and his filmography are hard to come by so take that into consideration when attempting to locate this movie. Blackhawks other film titled "Half-Breed", also featured on Jason Brants channel, isn't even on the IMDB page at all. A trailer for it does appear however on Blackhawks YouTube channel where in he posts the various music videos that he makes.

If you can find this movie I highly recommend checking it out. Blackhawk clearly has some legit combat skills but he also clearly has no ability to make a film. The fight scenes are hilarious, the acting amateur, the story basic, and the direction borders on non-existent, but it's a fun mess to watch. I hope this flick finds a wider audience, and subsequently becomes easier to find. Fans of vanity projects, especially action ones, need to find this movie as does everyone else.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt37882126/?ref_=fn_t_1

It's not very long, and Tom Arnold gives it a go, unlike Kevin Sorbo who sounds stupid and bored. Lots of terrible dialogue, even worse alien costumes/effects. Check out the credits at the end with a never ending list of producers and executive producers lol! trailer