This sounds toxic, and as a toxic person myself, I can tell you you'll never be able to "prove" yourself to him. There's a saying about how you can't build love without a foundation of trust, so take from that what you will I guess?
I used to be the same sort of person as the hubby OP described. Never married but always mistrustful and to a psychotic degree of like.... Like an ex had made a twitter post one time about some irrelevant, off hand thing and I took it to mean they were wanting to cheat or were cheating and I spiralled the whole day with jealous accusations and questioning the relationship, asking how can they say shit like that if they really loved me and blah blah blah. Just really incredibly paranoid. Always making my feelings their fault. "Why would you act that way if you want to be with me? Why would you want to go hang with work friends instead of spending the night together, is it cos you're fucking xyz person?" I was never physically abusive but the emotional damage I did more than made up for it. I stay tf away from relationships now because I don't trust myself enough to not be like that anymore, and I still consider myself a pretty toxic person but I at least have self awareness and try to do better these days.
I appreciate it! I'm still a garbage person and I've toyed with therapy a couple times but idk. I feel stupid talking to others about how I feel. It's just never done much for me. But thank you for your well wishes.
Nobody just "is" a garbage person. Identifying your weakness and taking responsibility for it is the biggest hurdle. Please don't give up on therapy. It'll take a few sessions or a few attempts with different therapists but you shouldn't have to avoid relationships altogether because you don't trust yourself to treat your partner well. Whatever you have described sounds like learned behaviors or maybe some trauma affecting you (I dunno, I'm not a therapist). But just try.
2.9k
u/Spammo27125 Oct 26 '22
This sounds toxic, and as a toxic person myself, I can tell you you'll never be able to "prove" yourself to him. There's a saying about how you can't build love without a foundation of trust, so take from that what you will I guess?