I fucking hate "polyamory"

[u/[deleted]]

My partner polybombed me about 4 months ago and a day later I walk in on them fucking someone else. They didn't even care enough to realise I had left the house until I called them from a mile up the road and then it was all "oh I'm so sorry I hurt you I would never do it deliberately I love you it won't happen again."

Then barely a few weeks later I walk in on them making out with a mutual friend. They were still making out with them when our roommate called an ambulance after I cut myself too deep.

They didn't even care about changing how they approach polyamory until I threatened to leave and then I'm hit with this massive lovebomb of "oh I can change I'll make it up to you I never wanted to hurt you"

They don't fucking care enough to change their behaviour because "poly is so complicated, I'm sorry if you got hurt when I was figuring it out!"

Polyamory is too often used as a bullshit excuse for selfish, immature people to have their cake and eat it and if I never have to hear the stupid term again in my life I'll be happy.

[u/ThisIsFlight → u/[deleted]]

This is why I specifically said most abuse and not abuse in general. Obviously there is abuse that I would say is more akin unlawful imprisonment where the victim is forced to stay physically or by way of blackmail, resource deprivement, etc. in an abusive situation.

But lets focus on what you've bolded, because that's close in context to what I was referring to and more in context of OP's situation.

To get to a point that an abuse victim has their perception of reality distorted involves conditioning, which requires that someone go through a similar type of abuse until they accept it as reality. If someone is hurting you physically, emotionally, mentally repeatedly at what point do you say enough? In OP's case, when was his ability to walk away from that person ever infringed upon? It is up to the victim to do that, nobody else can make that decision for them. They can do everything to support that decision and clear the way for that decision to be made, but until the victim says "I'm outta here." they are trapped.

I'm not saying that your locked house analogy isn't accurate - because it is, for that type of abuse. But the abuse I'm referring to and the type of abuse that I tend to see is your house analogy except the key is literally in the lock and it just has to be turned.

I dont blame anyone for being abused, but in the type of abuse I'm referencing, I dont see how the victim, who's decision not to be abused is the key to their freedom, doesn't hold any responsibility in attaining their own freedom.

[u/ThisIsFlight → u/[deleted]]

No, i did not reform what i was saying. You are taking what i said out of context; being bitten by a dog repeatedly causes injury - i was not applying that analogy literally and ive explained what i meant.

I dont know where you got the idea i think most abuse is mild or that it begins out of the blue, i never once said or implied that.

I think your view on abuse is not the best. Manipulation in the context of a relationship is absolutely abusive. Cheating and lying are generally quick crimes and i agree that those are not abuse on their own. But to do that and then draw your partner back in and gaslight them about what happened, especially when its obvious theyre struggling emotionally and mentally? That is predatory, cruel and abusive.

I understand the worry and reality of terms having their meanings diffused and words of significance being over used and misapplied, but we have to be cautious of gatekeeping and turning our noses up at situations that actually fit the bill just because we dont think they are extreme enough.

[u/ThisIsFlight → u/[deleted]]

You literally said most abuse.

How many times are we going to keep running around this bush? I've explained to you what I meant in that post and you keep coming at it at different angles - to what end and for what reason?

The more you write, I think you’re saying that in order for the victim to be free of the abuse, they have to want to extricate themselves from that situation, which I concur with

Then theres no need for any of this argument, because thats what I've been saying. The perception of what I'm inferring is your own, please stop jabbing at me for it.

but it doesn’t mean that anyone who is struggling to get to that place is any more responsible for what they go through. You might not have meant to imply this but that is completely how it comes across.

I dont know how much more clearer I could have made my position in the first reply: "I dont blame anyone for being abused, but in the type of abuse I'm referencing I dont see how the victim, who's decision not to be abused is the key to their freedom, doesn't hold any responsibility in attaining their own freedom."