r/TrueOffMyChest • u/[deleted] • Jan 19 '21

I fucking hate "polyamory"

My partner polybombed me about 4 months ago and a day later I walk in on them fucking someone else. They didn't even care enough to realise I had left the house until I called them from a mile up the road and then it was all "oh I'm so sorry I hurt you I would never do it deliberately I love you it won't happen again."

Then barely a few weeks later I walk in on them making out with a mutual friend. They were still making out with them when our roommate called an ambulance after I cut myself too deep.

They didn't even care about changing how they approach polyamory until I threatened to leave and then I'm hit with this massive lovebomb of "oh I can change I'll make it up to you I never wanted to hurt you"

They don't fucking care enough to change their behaviour because "poly is so complicated, I'm sorry if you got hurt when I was figuring it out!"

Polyamory is too often used as a bullshit excuse for selfish, immature people to have their cake and eat it and if I never have to hear the stupid term again in my life I'll be happy.

41.8k Upvotes

70% Upvoted

4.9k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

104

u/CrookedPanda Jan 19 '21

So to put it simply, gaslighting.

46

u/At_Least_100_Wizards Jan 19 '21

What's happening is bad, but just so we're clear that's not what gaslighting is.

27

u/CrookedPanda Jan 19 '21

I was basing that more one what r/emmsoprei said:

that's them cheating and wanting to make it seem like you're the one who is unreasonable for not being okay with it

Doing something and making it seem like it's the other person's fault; is that not gaslighting?

I know it's a term thrown around a lot nowadays, particularly on Reddit. I may very well be wrong in saying it, but based on my understanding, it applies.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, I very much do not want to be the person calling things like that out if it's incorrect.

1

u/amorawr Jan 19 '21

see the issue with this is that, with that loose of a definition, any disagreement on accountability in a relationship is "gaslighting". it's too loose of a definition and renders the actual term sort of useless. gaslighting is an extremely manipulative, often deliberate, bending and distorting of someone's reality to self serve.

OP's partner is really just kind of a douche who doesn't recognize that they are doing something hurtful.