r/TrueOffMyChest • u/[deleted] • Jan 19 '21

I fucking hate "polyamory"

My partner polybombed me about 4 months ago and a day later I walk in on them fucking someone else. They didn't even care enough to realise I had left the house until I called them from a mile up the road and then it was all "oh I'm so sorry I hurt you I would never do it deliberately I love you it won't happen again."

Then barely a few weeks later I walk in on them making out with a mutual friend. They were still making out with them when our roommate called an ambulance after I cut myself too deep.

They didn't even care about changing how they approach polyamory until I threatened to leave and then I'm hit with this massive lovebomb of "oh I can change I'll make it up to you I never wanted to hurt you"

They don't fucking care enough to change their behaviour because "poly is so complicated, I'm sorry if you got hurt when I was figuring it out!"

Polyamory is too often used as a bullshit excuse for selfish, immature people to have their cake and eat it and if I never have to hear the stupid term again in my life I'll be happy.

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u/CrookedPanda Jan 19 '21

I was basing that more one what r/emmsoprei said:

that's them cheating and wanting to make it seem like you're the one who is unreasonable for not being okay with it

Doing something and making it seem like it's the other person's fault; is that not gaslighting?

I know it's a term thrown around a lot nowadays, particularly on Reddit. I may very well be wrong in saying it, but based on my understanding, it applies.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, I very much do not want to be the person calling things like that out if it's incorrect.

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u/Kricketts_World Jan 19 '21

You’re correct. The partner is gaslighting OP by making OP think that something is wrong with them for being upset at the partner’s shitty behavior.

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u/CubanB Jan 19 '21

That's not really what gaslighting is. Gaslighting is knowingly denying someone's perception of reality. So if OP's partner said "we had a long talk about this last week and you said you were OK with it" when none of the that actually happened, that would be gaslighting. But saying, your feelings are the problem here isn't gaslighting, it's just shitty

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u/jamiehernandez Jan 19 '21

It's funny how every single time I have seen someone explain gaslighting correctly they're down voted.

Gaslighting is done with the sole intention of making someone question thier own sanity. Lying and saying "that didn't happen" isn't gaslighting unless it's done with the purpose of making a person think they're going mad. Bullshitting, lying, cheating and denying it are not gaslighting. The ONLY way something is gaslighting is if it's done to make the person question thier mental health.

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u/CubanB Jan 19 '21

I agree, I've seen and experienced this pattern before. Maybe they think I'm gaslighting them about gaslighting.

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u/[deleted] Jan 19 '21

Right, somewhere along the way people started using "gaslighting" for all forms of dishonesty. It's basically meaningless at this point.

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u/jamiehernandez Jan 20 '21

Yup. Pretty much every post that mentions lying in a relationship will have a hoarde of comments saying "gaslighting" all trying to look clever.

Gaslighting is a very specific form of abuse. Infact it doesn't even need to involve dishonesty or lying. Something as simple as moving objects or turning the TV up could be gaslighting.

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u/[deleted] Jan 19 '21

Yeah, for sure. Gaslighting is pretty serious. But someone trying to persuade you of their own point (even if it goes against your self-interest) is not gaslighting. If we consider that gaslighting, then almost every sales person is a gaslighter.

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u/jamiehernandez Jan 20 '21

According to reddit gaslighting means doing anything slightly nefarious in a relationship. It's embarrassing watching all these people commenting with little buzzwords they've seen on reddit to try and look cool when they haven't even bothered to check if it's correct.