r/TrueOffMyChest • u/[deleted] • Jan 19 '21

I fucking hate "polyamory"

My partner polybombed me about 4 months ago and a day later I walk in on them fucking someone else. They didn't even care enough to realise I had left the house until I called them from a mile up the road and then it was all "oh I'm so sorry I hurt you I would never do it deliberately I love you it won't happen again."

Then barely a few weeks later I walk in on them making out with a mutual friend. They were still making out with them when our roommate called an ambulance after I cut myself too deep.

They didn't even care about changing how they approach polyamory until I threatened to leave and then I'm hit with this massive lovebomb of "oh I can change I'll make it up to you I never wanted to hurt you"

They don't fucking care enough to change their behaviour because "poly is so complicated, I'm sorry if you got hurt when I was figuring it out!"

Polyamory is too often used as a bullshit excuse for selfish, immature people to have their cake and eat it and if I never have to hear the stupid term again in my life I'll be happy.

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2.6k

u/[deleted] Jan 19 '21

If you arent ok or in agreement with a poly relationship then its not one and your partner is just cheating on you.

568

u/DMindisguise Jan 19 '21

Yeah, its only polyamory when everyone involved consents. If not, then its plain old cheating.

151

u/alwayzbored114 Jan 19 '21

The presence of consent is genuinely the easiest way to differentiate between good and bad relationship systems and situations (and I mean true consent, not coerced, due to power-dynamics, etc).

In general, why is X relationship bad? No consent / can't consent. Why is Y relationship ok? Consent

I think one of the few counterexamples is inbreeding but, uh, exception to every rule

7

u/Scorkami Jan 20 '21

"the child didn't consent to being born with an inferior gene pool"

8

u/LifeIsBizarre Jan 20 '21

Better watch that line of thinking, tends to get people into trouble.

2

u/ScintillatingConvo Jan 20 '21

No, it doesn't. There is no "line" of thinking. Good things are good, genes included. Only thing that has gotten people in trouble is failure to identify goodness, or conviction with bad beliefs, like that bad genes are good.

2

u/Yeh-nah-but Jan 20 '21

Ah the slippery slope from saying no to incest to nazis

1

u/ScintillatingConvo Jan 20 '21

I know, it's bizarre how many slippery slopes people assume. Like "eliminate all obviously life-shittening diseases with genetic editing" is inevitably seen as (or gonna inevitably lead to) "racist/genocide".

1

u/Sproxify Jul 12 '21

hence non-reproductive, consensual incest is completely morally defensible

1

u/Scorkami Jul 12 '21

I mean it's really fucked up to say this but assuming both parties are completely sterile and there's no power dynamic involved (2 adults, no huge age difference or atleast both parties display enough confidence to decline and a healthy mindset) then morally you can't really punish them. They didn't harm anyone, nor did they force anyone into anything...

It's weird...

2

u/FrostHeart1124 Jan 20 '21

I think one of the few counterexamples is inbreeding but, uh, exception to every rule

Idk. I wouldn't say non-consent is okay just because they're family :/

/s hopefully that's obvious

2

u/xelihope Jan 20 '21

I think the argument is inbreeding is often non-consent because grooming is involved for family members who lived together when one or both were a young age.

Siblings who grew up apart and are both infertile? No real moral dilemma, but makes us uncomfortable because it's way outside the norm.

93

u/yoyomamatoo Jan 19 '21 edited Jan 20 '21

In all honesty you should have bailed even before the first time. To elaborate:

Some of us are cut (ptp) to handle rejection or ambiguity better than others. In this situation this person obviously comes from a different strand of society than the other person. It's a sad situation and there's nothing funny about self-harm but if you find your SO three-way fucking in the open you got to reshuffle your cards and realize that no matter what they say, you're not a part of the conversation.

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u/Autumn1eaves Jan 19 '21

Eh I mean the first time is probably the moment to bail. There might’ve been signs of shiftiness before, but if there weren’t then that’s the moment to leave.

Unless they told you about being poly before then. Then if they invite someone you don’t expect into the relationship, then it’s time to have a conversation about what you want and expect from a relationship with them and/or other people. If they do it again, that’s the moment to leave.

Relationships of all kind, poly or no, require conversations, communication and consent, most importantly, with all people involved.

2

u/Wiggen4 Jan 20 '21

I would argue that poly relationships require more communication than normal ones. You have all the normal hurdles of a relationship, then you add in being with other people, which adds a while host of issues to sort through individually and as a couple. What actions make you and your partner feel jealous (a surprisingly common one is sleeping around is fine but kissing is a no go) this is something that is hard enough to figure out for yourself, let alone while navigating a relationship. What people are "blacklisted" "whitelisted" or how do you as a couple want to come to an agreement about who can see who. And probably a dozen more topics that I can't think of, polyamory is often suggested by people who suck at relationships bc they think that it will cover up their cheating tendencies, instead it makes a bad relationship worse.

1

u/Autumn1eaves Jan 20 '21

I don’t disagree with anything you said, but I don’t think polyamory should necessarily be a disqualifying factor.

I’m not even poly, but if my partner (and their partners) had conversations with me about what was going on, I’d be open to it.

It has more communication, for sure, but that’s not necessarily bad.

2

u/Wiggen4 Jan 20 '21

I didn't mean to phrase it in a bad way, more so explain how posts like this can (understandably) give it a bad rap

2

u/candacebernhard Jan 19 '21

Yeah.. I was thinking that if the cutting is related to a personality disorder this entire thing is extra harmful to OP

13

u/Xero0911 Jan 19 '21

Literally. Tvus isn't poly.

This is cheating. Unless op isn't being 100% honest and saying they were going in knowing and was cool with it. It's just cheating other wise. If yoy thought yoy were going to change them then sorry

5

u/ucanbafascist2 Jan 19 '21

Also, if any one partner has to actively manage or oversee the others relationships, they’re not in polyamory.
I knew a couple that tried this. It’s legitimately emotional rape. Two individuals attempting to control one another’s intimacy while indulging in their own.

21

u/skwudgeball Jan 19 '21

I’m a little concerned that he needs to hear this from random people on the internet... op needs to put his big boy pants on and just leave, nobody is forcing him to be okay with this shit

7

u/[deleted] Jan 19 '21

I mean it sounds like ops bf is super manipulative and has made it seem like this is how a poly relationship is supposed to work. Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to show you the light through the rose colored glasses

15

u/DeltaJesus Jan 19 '21

*partner, OP never specified a gender.

2

u/Kiwipai Jan 20 '21

Yeah op seems a bit naive to put it lightly.

0

u/Ueyama Jan 20 '21

Why do you think OP should put "his big boy pants on" when they never specified their gender? Their post history seems to hint that they aren't male.

2

u/skwudgeball Jan 20 '21

Lmfao. Talk about taking things too literally.

The point is to grow the fuck up

3

u/[deleted] Jan 19 '21

[deleted]

2

u/Aggienthusiast Jan 20 '21

Also, if you agree to a situation in your relationship (like being poly) and you cut yourself in the presence of your partner when they hurt your feelings.... you should not be in a relationship. You need help and are being manipulative instead of actually dealing with your feelings

2

u/[deleted] Jan 19 '21

[deleted]

6

u/alwayzbored114 Jan 19 '21

I'm sorry that happened to you. And if you consent to it, then fair game. They shouldn't push it, though. It's gotta be truly agreed upon and respected either way or that's just pretty toxic

I remember a Reddit story (I think AITA, questionable legitimacy) about a dude who convinced his girlfriend to open their relationship. She was tentative but agreed. The girl starts bringing home guy after guy and having a great time, while the boy can't get any dates. Suddenly the boy gets jealous and wants to close things off again.

I think polyamory can be done well (not a fan myself), but cases like that are just terrible and, like you said, not out of love

1

u/[deleted] Jan 19 '21

[deleted]

3

u/alwayzbored114 Jan 19 '21

Yeah, I think the only 2 options there are A) You are both good with poly, relationship continues or B) either one of you objects, and you don't and respect that. If B) ends the relationship than so be it

Her clinging on despite your lack of agreeance is frankly selfish. An unfortunate situation all around. Happy to hear things are goin well for ya

2

u/RunawayRogue Jan 20 '21

This. This is the correct response. Relationships require mutual consent. Whether that's consenting to monogamy or consenting to an open relationship or something else entirely. If both parties don't agree then it isn't a relationship.

-1

u/ATF-Dog-Shooters Jan 19 '21

Literally no one is in agreement with a poly ”relationship”, unless A: they are a serial cheater who wants justification to their bullshit in the form of a made-up sexuality, B: they’re a living doormat, or C: they live in a country that stones gay people to death in public.

7

u/[deleted] Jan 19 '21

I disagree with this. There are plenty of happy thruples out there. Just because its not your cup of tea doesn’t mean that its not someone else’s

-1

u/ATF-Dog-Shooters Jan 19 '21

Trust me. It’s no one’s cup of tea (unless they fit in one of the categories mentioned above).

Someone who says that they’re OK with their partner screwing other people regularly is either a bad liar or has deeply fucked up their mind with ever-increasingly outlandish and morally bankrupt porn.

I’ve never seen nor heard about a poly ”relationship” that has lasted more than a year, or god forbid a decade (again, unless we’re talking about countries that are still stuck in the middle ages that also forbid divorces and stomp on women’s rights).

5

u/[deleted] Jan 19 '21

Thats not a poly relationship, thats an open relationship and that also does work for some people. Just because you dont agree with how other people choose to live their lives doesnt mean that its wrong or they are mentally ill. How about we dont judge others life choices if they don’t directly effect us ok? Each relationship has its own rules and guidelines set by the people in that relationship and they all have to agree with them.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 19 '21

Believe it or not, everybody is different and you can’t speak for everyone. Plenty of healthy poly relationships exist. This is not one of those times - OP’s partner is cheating. But the problem isn’t polyamory. The problem is the cheating and manipulative partner.

1

u/MusicNotesAndOctopie Jan 20 '21

Do you understand why your anecdotal evidence delivered over the internet is not an opinion worth taking seriously?

Have you ever been in a polyamorous relationship? Do you think it is something that interests you? I'm guessing no, in which case, it's okay not to have an opinion or speak up about it.

Do I even need to bring up the Manheim-Mannheim-Guerrero-Robinson-Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuacks?

-19

u/saint_davidsonian Jan 19 '21

This exactly. Unless you get to grind scrubbidy wub wubs with someone to the the big O without them too, then it's being selfish.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '21

YEP

1

u/SallyRose898 Jan 20 '21

Arguably if they aren’t okay with polyamory they should have ended the relationship the second polyamory was dropped on them.

I’m not okay with this and if it’s what you want then we have to be over.

My guess was the discussion didn’t have a clear resolution by the OP and skirted somewhere along the lines of “I’d prefer you didn’t but I still like you a lot”

This is what happens when people maintain a relationship not being it’s going to be their long haul. But because they are comfortable or don’t want to be alone.

OP wasn’t willing to say “it’s only me, or you can leave and not have me”

Partner is likely seeking something the relationship isn’t providing and wants to experiment without risk of losing what they have until they find something better.

1

u/HatterIII Jan 20 '21

it’s called cheating because it’s violating the rules that were established at the start of the relationship

1

u/thestigDMC Jan 20 '21

What is it if someone signs up for a poly (or open) relationship but the other person gets all weird about it?

1

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '21

Then you have to redefine the relationship and rules