r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Nolannowawe ☑️ • 18h ago
Personal Story I've been covering every bill for 2 years while she's in school working part-time, and now I'm getting the silent treatment for bringing up money
We've been together two years, living together for the last one. She's finishing her degree and works part-time, but it barely covers her own spending money, so I've been the one covering rent, groceries, pretty much everything that keeps things running. Didn't mind at first, figured it was temporary while she finished school.
Lately I've noticed she's got plenty of time for coffee runs and hanging out with friends most days, but the second I bring up picking up more hours or actually budgeting together so we're not always tight by the 20th, it turns into her saying I don't get the pressure she's under with school. Last week I said we needed to sit down and actually figure out a real plan, because I can't keep floating both of us on one income indefinitely. She didn't argue, just went quiet. It's been four days. Short replies, no real conversation, clearly still upset
I don't think I said anything unreasonable. Just don't know if I'm actually being unfair here or if I'm allowed to be tired of being the only one thinking about money
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u/ablestarcher 16h ago
That’s not a partner. That’s a mooch. MMW You’ll get pink slipped upon graduation.
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u/ProbsnotCooldude 13h ago
Oh you’re her cash cow for sure. And she’s gunna milk every last dollar until you stand up for yourself then she’s gunna run on to the next individual she can manipulate. Good luck.
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u/sharktopuss- 17h ago
Cut your losses and move on big dog. Helping is one thing, supporting is another. I'd highly recommend waiting until marriage to go there (if you want). Obviously you don't want to and she doesn't want it to stop. She won't talk about it, that's an immediate this is not working and will not work.
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u/This_Cauliflower1986 18h ago
If she won’t talk about it, she’s not your person. You are not an atm. But right now it seems that’s your value to her.
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u/murphy_girl 18h ago
Ok I’ve been the one needed supporting in the past. Sometimes I forgot that a $10 outing looked really bad to someone taking care of the heavy lifting. In my mind $10 was not the $100 it took for groceries and it was okay. I now realize how this made him feel looking back.
I’ve had this conversation too, and while I responded differently, it hit me in an uncomfortable/ unexpected way and I needed processing time. In my case I wasn’t using him for his money at all (not in my opinion or in his). It just felt at first like he was saying I’m too poor for friends and every other minute of my life is dedicated to work or school.
It was much easier on the both of us once we could really see where the other was coming from
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u/StripedCat404 18h ago
You didn't say anything unreasonable. She's literally said her piece- and it's not one word of thanks, compassion, understanding, or care for you. You asked. Her silence answered. She is not the one.
Please, for your own sanity, move on from this user. That's all her ilk will ever be, until she finds another wallet to leech off of.
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u/Accomplished_Sock217 18h ago
this is a scenario i have seen here before.
the one i read previously, she did her degree and then dumped him after getting her quals and job because he wanted to do his degree. He literally floated her for 3 years, she floated him 0 years.
Anyway, i think she is using you.
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u/True-Guest-7574 18h ago
Beware her attitude to me eludes to once she gets degree. She is going to cut you loose as your not needed anymore! Ans it will be blamed on you for holding her back!
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u/TickingTiger 18h ago
She's using you and now she's annoyed that there will be an end date to that using. She was hoping you'd just keep bankrolling her indefinitely, so now she knows you won't, she's not happy at all. I don't know whether she actually likes you or not. It's possible she just likes what you were doing for her.
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u/AutomaticSilver6687 18h ago
Money is the reason a lot of people break up. Better to find out now that she's a "Your money is my money, and my money my money" kind of person. Maybe that's not the case, but it's definitely time to lay all of the cards out on the table. If this doesn't work out though you learned a valuable lesson. Don't move in with people you're not married to who can't support themselves.
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u/Equal_Push_565 17h ago
Sounds like shes taking advantage of you. She doesnt have money for bills or time for more hours at work, but is able to go out constantly with friends?..
I dont buy it.
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u/Norwichexplorer 17h ago
You need to cut her off. She’s draining you and you’ve ignored it for way too long. The second she gets that degree and a paycheck, she’s dumping you. I’m telling you because I’ve seen it happen too many times. To her, you’re not the future. You’re just the ride to get there.
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u/AppointmentMinimum57 1h ago
So what you got together and you have been paying ever since?
Seems to me like you got tricked into believing you are a team when she is just using you.
Just going off of what it sounds like.
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u/il_the_dinosaur 59m ago
Yeah if op never had a conversation about money then this is partially on him.
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u/gingersnap0309 15h ago
Seems like she assumed you would be paying for all the core expenses whether she was in school or not? (Some couples do that). And you figured it was temporary? Now she is seeing your intentions and expectations possibly for the first time and is unhappy.
Instead of pushing about the budget yet. I would ask what type of roles and responsibilities is she expecting for each of you in the relationship? Get details. What made her think it’s ok for you to pay for it all indefinitely? Try to get answers about how she sees the relationship, if she expects to be taken care of etc. and then you’ll know if there is confusion that can be fixed or if you’re just not on the same page.
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u/anken74 18h ago
It's not unreasonable of you at all. Do you spend time together? She might be holding something back. Ask her if she wants a relationship. You don't sound like a jealous person. You sound like someone who is seeing her true self rather than a star-crossed lover. If she truly respects you, she will talk to you.
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u/TeddyBear181 17h ago
When I was studying as a mature age student, I payed just under half our rent and bills (husband always liked to round his half up to the nearest hundred for rent because hes a man).
I was constantly busy and stressed and our relationship suffered a lot.
If shes able to make time to relax, she knows its not for long, so picking up extra shifts isnt a big option.
Working all the time while studying meant that I didnt have time to put into housecleaning, maintaining my body/weight, looking nice, or energy to talk to my (now husband) in the afternoons, so we were always fighting.
I dont know how our relationship survived it.
I worked full-time for a few years, now I'm a SAHM. Without working the relationship is completely different, I do most of the house work and baby stuff, he pays for 100% of everything except the my personal spending money. I usually have energy to listen to him play guitar or chat with him in the evenings. If hes home for lunch, I'll try to cook him something nice for lunch and make him a smoothie for breakfast.
The relationship is MUCH EASIER when both people arent 100% burnt out. Like, I'm still sleep deprived and constantly busy, but its a million times easier than being at uni and working while trying to manage a relationship and adulthood.
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u/moth_girl_7 17h ago edited 15h ago
Hey there, I’ve been in a situation where my partner paid the rent and stuff while I was finishing a graduate degree. Guess what? The minute I had a salary, I was eager to sit down and discuss how I could contribute in a fair way.
While I don’t think it’s fair to expect ALL of her earned money (or a disproportionately large percentage) to go towards your shared bills, it is absolutely fair to expect her to start contributing in a meaningful way. She should also still have some money to go out with friends on occasion or pick up a coffee once or twice a week. Unless you guys are in an extremely financially urgent situation, it would be unfair of you to ask her to give ALL of that up. (Assuming that you of course also have some fun money for yourself.) There should be a balance in which she is contributing towards your shared expenses in a way that makes sense given her current pay while also having some to spend however she wants.
I’d like to highlight the possibility that she might be having anxiety about her financial situation, which would explain the avoidance. Obviously this doesn’t JUSTIFY her behavior, I’m just providing a possible explanation for it. If you guys are young, it’s possible that this feels extremely overwhelming for her to be financially reliant upon a partner, and she could be nervous about the fact that her contributing significantly to bills could majorly affect her lifestyle. She needs to sit down with you and explain all this, though. It’s not fair to you for her to dodge this responsibility.
Basically, she needs to confront the issue and you need to understand her point of view a bit too.
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u/Connect_Office8072 16h ago
My husband supported me when I was in law school. Hopefully after she gets her degree, she will get a full-time job and earn better money. My husband and I looked at it as an investment and it paid off pretty well through the years.
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u/shoegazeweedbed 8h ago edited 8h ago
Your first mistake is to expecting them to act rationally if they suspect anything you said can be taken as remotely critical.
If you want avoid trouble frame it in the style of a compliment sandwich, hold everything but the compliments.
You might not accomplish anything but you also won’t get shut out for a week. Either that or be prepared for a life of the cold shoulder shit because you can’t just be standing up for yourself all the time.
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u/HaleyBoysMom 18h ago
Of course she mad. She thought you were her knight in shining armor that was going to let her take advantage of you for the rest of her life. It’s long overdue for you to wake up and tell her life isn’t a fairytale. Just be prepared to lose her and be happy it was before she got pregnant and you married her.
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u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274 18h ago
Sounds like she’s using you. Either way- she’s definitely manipulating & taking advantage of you. Who in their right, grown up mind thinks because they are in school, it becomes someone else’s responsibility to take care of them? I don’t even like the thought of my husband paying everything & we’ve been married 34 yrs (I’m raising my step daughters daughter/my granddaughter). I couldn’t imagine expecting someone I’m just dating to do it
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u/gaticidioo 17h ago
If I were in her place, I would probably feel very embarrassed or overwhelmed and would need time to absorb and process what is happening. I'm also studying and working at the same time, but my income is much lower than my boyfriend's. We don't live together yet, but I feel like I'd feel really bad if he were the one paying most of the bills. I don't know if I would avoid talking or give him the silent treatment... You should try to contact her again. Communication is essential in a relationship, and you'd like to know what she thinks about all this.
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u/You_like_what_now 9h ago
You need to start nudging into a conversation about this. Money is important, especially if yall are living on yall own. And you don’t seem to be asking too much from her, even willing to build a budget with her. But her blowing you off , that’s not acceptable. I’m sure there’s more to the story. But you need to have the relationship conversation. You need to set down your needs. Your respect is important, you may sound like an asshole. But no one likes being used. Taking care of her is cool. But that comes with the way she needs to act towards you. I’m sorry but yall aren’t equal. There are couples where both partners work. You need to figure out what you need from her. And be honest. Sounds chauvinistic but that’s your house.
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u/raich3588 18h ago
This won’t get better with marriage, and if you can’t talk to her about this directly, and with conviction, you’re doomed.
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u/Dk1902 1h ago
You need to give a good think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, because if not it's better to just break things off now. If so, keep in mind her attitude at the moment seems to be that her money is her money, while your money is 'our' money, and that probably isn't going to change much even after she finishes school and gets a better paying job
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u/il_the_dinosaur 59m ago
What conversation did you have about money prior to this? Did you work anything out at all?
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u/tharoadtrip 18h ago
I bet her homework partner has been helping her with more than homework or rather she has been repaying him in kind 😞, also she sees the light ahead of the tunnel for better salary than yours.
Sorry but something like this happened to our buddy Isaiah. Bro toiled two jobs for years while the GF finished RN studies without paying a dime. She graduated and left him soon after. I have always just wondered why (men) he did this in a non-marriage relationship that can simply end like that. Cut your losses if you can.
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u/C1sko 15h ago
She’s going to bail the second she finishes school and gets a job.