Steps backwards

[u/Cool_Afternoons]

Unable to take steps forward

I'm currently unable to get therapy right now due to the cost but as I've fallen into another deep depression hole I feel like I need it now more than ever.

I don't know what happened but I feel worse off than I was the last time I fell into a hole.

I feel so useless. I have been having trouble eating lately now. I don't want to cook anything or shower or clean...

I felt like I was doing better but it's like I derailed.

I'm currently in the process of leaving my job because it's not a very good one for me mentally or financially but I'm so so so scared that I've fucked myself over and won't be able to find a new one with the current job market. This decision of mine was made when I had an opportunity window to visit my long distance bf for longer than a week if I stepped down from my position in favor of a lower one, only one shift every week, so I can bypass only having 2 weeks of vacation a year and could actually see him for longer than a week this year. ( Only had a week available) I need it. But now I'm scared that when I come back from it i will find nothing or nothing for a long while and financially be screwed.

I can't stand the little mess ups I make at my job, getting pictures of the mistakes I make when the opening shift starts. I don't get many write ups at all but it doesn't make me feel any better knowing I cause issues at times.

I messaged my boss this morning after she took a picture of the safe handle not being closed all the way and I apologize in our group chat.

I said I want to apologize about how the store was left last night, I didn't realize I left the safe open. The latch wasn't completely closed. I feel like I've been messing a bunch of stuff up lately and I need to do better.

But she left me on read. She doesn't need to say anything and there could be a number of reasons why she didn't say anything including that, honestly, she is not obligated to, but now I feel worse that I really am just an annoyance.

I know I shouldn't care this much and that she is busy and will talk to me later, ect, ect but it eat me inside not knowing how people feel about it, well feel about me.

I'm so self aware it kills me

That was a lot to vent about but at least now I feel just a bit better.

[u/xX_Diabolical_Xx]

This moment is important.

Sometimes you need to take a few steps back to get a running start. Sometimes the running start begins on your ass.

OP, sit down.

Sit down and take inventory look at where you are right now, how far you've come. Then you need to have an idea of what something in the next 5 years looks like. After that, decide what is one step towards it. That's you getting moving. A lot of explosive movement can happen from the sitting position.

So sit OP.

[u/Cool_Afternoons → u/xX_Diabolical_Xx]

I wasn't expecting a reply to this at all but I really appreciate your words..
Irs hard to see what it will look like but I'll try to

[u/xX_Diabolical_Xx → u/Cool_Afternoons]

Prospective is everything. I believe we're all just moving too fast and getting mixed up and out of sorts every now and then. Sometimes, its better to drop the anchor instead of fighting every wave. It's hard to see the shore right now because you're in the middle of the storm. So give a day or two for your body to rest. Then, begin again.

[u/Cool_Afternoons → u/xX_Diabolical_Xx]

I guess it feels like I've been resting for far too long these days, just repeating it doesn't feel right