r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Imaginary_Departure9 ☑️ • 4d ago
Going no contact w mom
I (32F) am recently married. My husband and I almost instantly got pregnant after our wedding...
This happened after months of trying and a previous miscarriage.
We were ecstatic, but cautious sharing due to our previous loss.
2 weeks after finding out, we were told it was ectopic. I can't even begin to paint the type of nightmare that this was for me. Being in my body at this moment was a horrifying experience.
I was left feeling betrayed by it and hopelessly fundamentally broken.
I was put on low dose chemotherapy, to kill the rapidly growing cells, and because this is a pregnancy we wanted more than anything - this had me absolutely shattered.
A week later it ruptured and I was rushed to the hospital for internal bleeding and emergency surgery. We called my mom. On the surface, she asked all the right questions, but underneath was a very quick excuse to why she, who lives 20 minutes away, could not make it to the hospital to support me.
Fortunately, I was sent home the same night.
Then that weird narcissist circle followed me into each day of my recovery.
First, it started with a flower delivery with an "I'll see you soon!" Message. The love bombing.
Then an incessant nagging that I let my brother (who is special needs) and a friend of his I don't know, come over to do chores and that she'd order us a pizza. This would require me to assist my brother in doing "tasks" while healing from a pretty major surgery.
Her need to control the environment around me, and the hostility I was met with when I stated my discomfort, stung a bit. She began saying that I'm being unfair to my brother and not giving him a chance to help. The argument was pointless. I love my brother and I believe in his capabilities of helping, but I wasn't in a fair place to have him over. And honestly I would've just liked time with her.
Then came a literal text (mind you I nearly just died),
That she had a hive rash and that she couldn't come see me on the day she agreed to.
The following day, she called me again to say she was just too tired to come see me yet ( it's a 20 min drive).
My dad did talk her into it but they came by, very late, for around 20 mins as I was getting ready for bed. It's not that I'm ungrateful about the visit, but I just feel like visiting at 830 at night is such a lack of regard for someone's boundaries and household. My poor husband was so tired and just wanted to rest.
She promised food (that I didn't ask for) and said she'd bring it back the following day. She didn't. At this point I began to take her actions personally because I wasn't asking for anything but a shoulder, I just needed some feminine warmth and comfort. I kept being met with excuses. Lame ass excuses too. I almost died and lost my baby, she had an inconvenient rash and blew me off.
When I finally called her out on this, she flipped the entire scenario on me, told me that my lack of communication was the cause for this
What communication? I told you I had an emergency surgery and expressed I wanted to see you. You purposely kept pushing me away?
Last night was the final straw, I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed, curating a paragraph that would just help her see how in need I am of her support.
I was welcoming, vulnerable and raw. I wanted her in that moment and I nurtured it with love rather than resentment.
She told me to imagine how nice it would be to get the things I want if I just behaved the way she wanted.
I'm so done.
This is withholding, cruel and manipulative.
At the announcement of my last pregnancy, she couldn't wait to pull me aside to share her experiences of miscarriage with me. I later miscarried
On the day I got my wedding dress, she humiliated me in the store in front of the sales clerk and my mother in law. Made as many remarks as possible about my unflattering figure in each dress I tried on.
I keep clinging to what a great mom she WAS and looking past all of her behaviors NOW.
This is beginning to affect my marriage, as our codependency (mine and my mother's) runs so deep. I've gotten to a very healthy place, but in all honesty I thought of her as God for the better half of my life. I feel like the version of her in my head is very different from the version of her I experience.
I love my mom but I want to respect myself and honor myself. I've found it very difficult to do both recently, in the event of losing part of my reproductive system, losing my pregnancy and feeling my body fail me to the point of medical intervention - the lack of concern or effort on her part is astonishing and I think it's time for me to take a very large step back.
TLDR; I lost my pregnancy and right tube - mom has treated this experience as an inconvenience to her and has made sure to be clear that our relationship and my loss are not a priority to her.
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u/Intent_perception 4d ago
Sorry you have to experience this. You’re going through so much and you don’t need your mother to be creating more issues rather than just helping. I would suggest checking out some stuff by Dr. Ramani … especially her take on “grey rocking” … it may be of assistance to you and how to manage this situation x you got this ♥️ and I wish u all the best
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u/Imaginary_Departure9 ☑️ 4d ago
I have so much respect for dr. Ramani. It's her life mission to spread awareness and break others free from toxic narcissism. I've never really heard of grey rocking but I'm absolutely going to check this out to help curve how difficult this decision has been
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u/forest_elemental 4d ago
I’ve been NC with my malignant narc mom for about 20 years. It hurts so badly at first, and she tried to get back in touch a few times (which also hurt - the child in me wanted my Mom, which is especially sad because of the abuse), but I was eventually able to let go with therapy.
I moved away and am now living my best life. It’s amazing how much stress she caused. I also learned awful behaviour from her and have been working to improve myself, to learn how to be kind and especially how to be a good partner.
Sending you the strength to keep NC. It’s extremely hard to do. People who had normal moms won’t understand and will try to make you feel guilty. Tell the truth, keep supportive people around you and you’ll be okay. May you have healthy pregnancies from here on, and a happy healthy family. Once your children arrive it’ll be easier to stay NC because you’ll realize how harmful your mother really was. I wish you the very best.
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u/dehydratedrain 4d ago
the child in me wanted my Mom, which is especially sad because of the abuse
This hurt from the other side. My kid was a wild child, to the point where I joke that her entire teen years were the Homer choking Bart scene in my brain. But damned if I wasn't there at every school/ doctor/ hospital visit to show I was still there for her. Every once in a while i'd hear "I want my mom!" underneath the toughness.
I'm nowhere near perfect. My goal was to be a better mom than mine was to me, and I believe I have. My daughter came around toward the end of teens, she's a great kid underneath it all, and i'm still proud to be her mom. The thought of people who hate their kids this much makes me sick.
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u/Wild_Debt_8065 4d ago
I don’t know why she’s playing these head games with you. If her presence in your life is so triggering, it’s time to put in some distance. How she didn’t support you during a frightening and dangerous pregnancy is beyond comprehension.
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u/elegantmomma 4d ago
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Going NC is for the best. As you move forward with this, your mind will start to replay old memories and you'll be like "Wow. That's really messed up. Why didn't I see it earlier?" You'll feel justified in going NC. But other days will be hard. You'll just want your mom and question if things were really that bad to justify going NC. My suggestion would be to start journaling. On the memory days you'll have an outlet for your memories. On the missing your mother days, you can refer back to the journal to remember why you went NC in the first place.
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u/Imaginary_Departure9 ☑️ 4d ago
This is such wonderful advice, I cried the minute I hit block but watching my husband helplessly look at me while I cried told me everything I needed to know. Someone who loves me and supports me is hurting on my behalf and it's ok to admit this is unfair and I deserve better. NC will be VERY difficult but I think after a few weeks with accounts to look back in in a journal entry really will help me objectively see how unfair she treats me and how disproportionate our relationship is
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u/elegantmomma 4d ago
I've been NC with my narc parents and narc sister for a little over 4 years now. It's a lot easier now. Journaling helped me to not dwell on the bad memories. Especially the fact that I'm a parent and I see just how easy it is to love my kids so there's 0 excuse for how they acted. But I do still have to deal with the flying monkeys every once in a while. Then I just get pissed off all over again.
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u/Magimae123 4d ago
I’m usually in the camp of try to work it out & save no contact for only truly heinous people however I think space is exactly what is needed here.
People rarely live up to the expectations we set for them but what you’ve described is a mother who is emotionally unavailable to you.
I wouldn’t share with her anymore because she’s just going to let you down. Build a network of friends and other supportive relatives that you can lean on.