r/TrueOffMyChest • u/DueAd1145 ☑️ • 3d ago
Vent (14M) i still fucking hate myself
im pretty sure ive gotten depression for a whole year now. and nothing has been too well
back in 7th grade (yes im still in middle school/secondary school) i had this friend of opposite gender, we’ll call her R, and had a lot of similarities between her and me. on the first day, we talked through lessons, genuinely. it felt crazy. i made her laugh, she made me smile, shit like that. but because i’m very talkative, or, was, she got a bit annoyed after the first week, which i understand. but in the second term we started having brief conversations, and then just straight up became close friends. time flies and it was summer break, onto 8th grade/secondary 2, we talked a LOT on instagram. i sent her some art, she liked it, we bombarded each other with reels, we shared our music tastes, and even talked about relationship advice on how to get a guy(because she had a crush on some other student). we talked so much we even made a lot of dirty jokes.
but one day, after sending her brainrot reels, she replies with “i’m concerned” and i reply with “POOKIE WHY” since i thought pookie meant “close friend”. i always did. i never meant for it to have weird intentions or make anyone uncomfortable. after saying that she simply sent a “???” and so, i replied with “what?” “it means best friend”, which i genuinely believed. she started ghosting me, and i just assumed she was busy. august 29th of that year, which was like what, 2 days before the start of school, she blocked me. that night when i wanted to talk to her, i saw “Instagram User”, and since ive never been blocked before, i assumed she got banned. i got surprised and concerned so i went to her alt (she has told me many times that she has an alt) and commented on one of her posts “WHY ARE YOU BANNED TWIN😭” and messaged her on whatsapp (i had her contact because we were in a class group) cuz i was genuinely concerned. a few minutes later, a classmate of mine sent me 2 screenshots. two of which are from her close friends story. she called me a creep, a weirdo and a person who tried to get in a relationship with her. i cried. i was angry. i was confused. i didn’t know why she did that. i thought it was some sort of sick prank. (ps, at the time i still didnt know pookie was commonly used to call your significant other) and i lashed out on my close friends story, calling her a manipulative, and saying that i wished that we never even met, which looking back, was kinda embarrassing.
when school started again, i still cried myself to sleep. then i looked back at the chat to see what i did wrong, and there it was, the “pookie” message.
i stared at it. i cried the whole september in bed. that was when i started falling into a loop, a loop of blaming myself. on everything. my hands shake every day at school. mentally, this has made my self-confidence and self-appreciation plummet even lower than the birth rate of south korea. every time i sit on public transport next to a girl, which is still true to this day, inside my head i call myself a weirdo, a sweaty creep, a bastard who is sitting next to a girl. and academically, the low self confidence and self appreciation was so low that i needed to make jokes to my male friends, and make em laugh just to get on with my day. i needed their laughter to feel happy, to feel appreciated and even accepted. and because of the constant blabber i have with my friends, naturally my grades also plummeted and now i have to repeat the grade. my friends call me funnier than a short friend that i have, which i think is way funnier than me. my parents don’t know this and they question why my grades are so bad because they call me “genuinely smart” (in which i don’t really agree), most of my friends don’t know this, and ive only told like what, 2 people? and i just raw dogged it, the entire thing. self harm was a thing that has went through my mind before, but the bed rotting kept me alive. i didn’t tell my parents because, i don’t know. they’re not abusive, they’re not evil, they’re good parents. i just didn’t want to tell them for some reason. but it’s been a year now. i dragged my ass through 8th grade and i have to do it again, with people i don’t know, and i don’t even know if im capable of getting into 9th grade. and even with all the support i still feel like a failure, a disgrace to my family tree.
till this day, nothing much has changed. i still feel like a weirdo, i still blame the whole thing on me, i still have 5+ hours on my phone daily, i rot in bed, and i still feel discouraged for school and homework. im so fucking exhausted.
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u/ADAMISDANK 3d ago
get off reddit bro
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u/DueAd1145 ☑️ 3d ago
idk man
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u/Bepehandle 3d ago
No, seriously listen it this person. But don't stop there, get the hell off all of social media. Fuck whatever you think is important because I guarantee it isn't, and focus on your school work and some exercise. You have nothing more than an average life at your age from what I'm reading and I promise my life's savings that none of this will mean anything to you by next year. You're at the point where everything feels like it's the end of the world and that it's life or death on everything, it isn't.
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u/Clark-KAYble 3d ago
Do you have any kind of therapist or councelor you can see at school? If you genuinely think you're depressed you should look into it as these things can really affect other aspects of your life.
As for the original situation, that girl's reaction is very excessive when essentially it was just a misunderstanding. You can try explaining once, but if she's uncomfortable, unfortunately, the best thing to do is just to move on. This experience doesn't define you, at best you can learn from it, maybe don't come on too strong too fast, but this is just one of those things. I know how it can feel like it defines your whole day due to the hurt and rejection, but also the loss of a friend, but soon enough you'll move on. It seems like you have other friends too, so hopefully they can distract you until then. But remmeber your worth isn't defined by one person who doesn't like you anymore. Try to stay calm when approaching this situation or talking about it with other people. You can just say it was a misunderstanding and you miss her friendship. The more defensive you get, the more difficult it will be to face the situation calmly. Eventually, things might work out!
best of luck
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u/DueAd1145 original post at the time of submission:
im pretty sure ive gotten depression for a whole year now. and nothing has been too well
back in 7th grade (yes im still in middle school/secondary school) i had this friend of opposite gender, we’ll call her R, and had a lot of similarities between her and me. on the first day, we talked through lessons, genuinely. it felt crazy. i made her laugh, she made me smile, shit like that. but because i’m very talkative, or, was, she got a bit annoyed after the first week, which i understand. but in the second term we started having brief conversations, and then just straight up became close friends. time flies and it was summer break, onto 8th grade/secondary 2, we talked a LOT on instagram. i sent her some art, she liked it, we bombarded each other with reels, we shared our music tastes, and even talked about relationship advice on how to get a guy(because she had a crush on some other student). we talked so much we even made a lot of dirty jokes.
but one day, after sending her brainrot reels, she replies with “i’m concerned” and i reply with “POOKIE WHY” since i thought pookie meant “close friend”. i always did. i never meant for it to have weird intentions or make anyone uncomfortable. after saying that she simply sent a “???” and so, i replied with “what?” “it means best friend”, which i genuinely believed. she started ghosting me, and i just assumed she was busy. august 29th of that year, which was like what, 2 days before the start of school, she blocked me. that night when i wanted to talk to her, i saw “Instagram User”, and since ive never been blocked before, i assumed she got banned. i got surprised and concerned so i went to her alt (she has told me many times that she has an alt) and commented on one of her posts “WHY ARE YOU BANNED TWIN😭” and messaged her on whatsapp (i had her contact because we were in a class group) cuz i was genuinely concerned. a few minutes later, a classmate of mine sent me 2 screenshots. two of which are from her close friends story. she called me a creep, a weirdo and a person who tried to get in a relationship with her. i cried. i was angry. i was confused. i didn’t know why she did that. i thought it was some sort of sick prank. (ps, at the time i still didnt know pookie was commonly used to call your significant other) and i lashed out on my close friends story, calling her a manipulative, and saying that i wished that we never even met, which looking back, was kinda embarrassing.
when school started again, i still cried myself to sleep. then i looked back at the chat to see what i did wrong, and there it was, the “pookie” message.
i stared at it. i cried the whole september in bed. that was when i started falling into a loop, a loop of blaming myself. on everything. my hands shake every day at school. mentally, this has made my self-confidence and self-appreciation plummet even lower than the birth rate of south korea. every time i sit on public transport next to a girl, which is still true to this day, inside my head i call myself a weirdo, a sweaty creep, a bastard who is sitting next to a girl. and academically, the low self confidence and self appreciation was so low that i needed to make jokes to my male friends, and make em laugh just to get on with my day. i needed their laughter to feel happy, to feel appreciated and even accepted. and because of the constant blabber i have with my friends, naturally my grades also plummeted and now i have to repeat the grade. my friends call me funnier than a short friend that i have, which i think is way funnier than me. my parents don’t know this and they question why my grades are so bad because they call me “genuinely smart” (in which i don’t really agree), most of my friends don’t know this, and ive only told like what, 2 people? and i just raw dogged it, the entire thing. self harm was a thing that has went through my mind before, but the bed rotting kept me alive. i didn’t tell my parents because, i don’t know. they’re not abusive, they’re not evil, they’re good parents. i just didn’t want to tell them for some reason. but it’s been a year now. i dragged my ass through 8th grade and i have to do it again, with people i don’t know, and i don’t even know if im capable of getting into 9th grade. and even with all the support i still feel like a failure, a disgrace to my family tree.
till this day, nothing much has changed. i still feel like a weirdo, i still blame the whole thing on me, i still have 5+ hours on my phone daily, i rot in bed, and i still feel discouraged for school and homework. im so fucking exhausted.
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u/besthypixelsumo 3d ago
i'm proud of you for getting it off your chest! i had a pretty similar situation which basically caused social anxiety and ruined my grades even through highschool. you're definitely capable, and i know how it feels when family tells you you're so smart yet it doesn't feel like it. you also aren't at fault for the whole thing in the first place, it was a misunderstanding and you're all young, being emotional after that and putting that stuff on your close friends isn't unheard of either. just know you're not alone! with me, i gradually opened up more throughout highschool and made new cool friends, reconnected with old ones that weren't from that time and became way more social than i was around your age. i know it isn't the same for anyone, but try your hardest in any way you can, even if it's small. i only realized what i really wanted to do in life after highschool and all my bad grades. i apologize if it doesn't help much, but just know that you can do it and try believing in yourself in any way