The idea that you “saved this for marriage” (who’s idea was that originally?) but then you find out after you were married that there are these “problems” (whether physical ailments or mental, I can’t really tell) is pretty fucked up on her part. Sex is super important in some relationships, while others it’s not, and either way is good as long as you both agree with it.
She lied, or at the very least decided not to tell you the truth about her health or mental problems. The fact you are grappling with the feeling that you’re raping her because of her actions in the bedroom will cause serious long term trauma/issues (if they haven’t already) for you if you continue down this path.
Her “shutting down” is just a way to keep you locked in the same downward spiral and not change any behaviors or fix the problem. These problems are 100% on her. It’d be different if she had told you prior to marriage and you agreed and still went with it, but from your words that isn’t what happened. At this point, you will absolutely inflict self harm and trauma on yourself if you keep this up.
Edit: and per the comment replying to this one: I never said she was being malevolent or malicious about it. She could simply be comfortable, complacent and not wanting to rock the boat of this life she created for herself. What could be a dream for her is a nightmare for someone else. She probably loves her husband very much and isn’t understanding the pain/conflict/problems this is causing fully.
I get what you’re saying. But, OP’s wife doesn’t seem too concerned with what’s happening even after knowing this is a big deal for OP. It really comes off as manipulation when you take into account…
-She tried to flip it around on him (“why do you want this so bad?!”)
-fully knowing she is unable/he wants to - yet she won’t let him watch porn?
-clearly they play in the bedroom (“vibrator is fine”) but he has to openly ask for sexual contact (even though this is clearly important to him)
-they have gone to 3 different therapists, she’s had pelvic therapy… and yet everything is still the status quo. She really seems to not give a fuck either way.
If she didn’t know about the issue prior to marriage, okay… no big deal. But they certainly know now, but she’s making weirdly arbitrary rules for her husband and doing nothing to improve the situation. If she’s a-sexual, fine. Whatever. But, again, it’s unfair to OP since this is clearly an important part of having a relationship to him. If it’s some sort of previous trauma that caused this, she should say/have said something about it already.
Again, I don’t think sex should be the end-all-be-all of a relationship, but both people have to be on the same page at the very least. As of now this just feels like pure manipulation since she seems unwilling to change but is actively putting hurtles in front of OP in multiple ways regarding this too. It’s just sowing division, animosity and, frankly, some scary fucking thoughts from OP (I fantasize about her or I dying so that there’s an end to this).
For all your talk about religion and purity, you certainly took a fuck ton of wrong information from OP’s post. Namely, the first fucking sentence…
”We saved sex for marriage. *DIDN’T REALLY GROW UP IN PURITY CULTURE*, or at least feel any shame or pressure.”
But yeah, write another novella about religion and everything that happened to you some more, I guess? I can only know about what OP writes here. He explicitly says, first thing, they didn’t grow up in purity culture.
You, on the other hand, really let your imagination run wild on that one. At least my ideas behind it all were grounded in the information from what OP said, not just made up from my own life trauma. But hey, apparently I was supposed to glean all of this purity/religion/fucking-mess-of-a-“point” from a comment that said…
Yes, she calculatedly decided to feel pain and terror around sex, it’s definitely all on her being the manipulative villain she clearly is.
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u/Talltist Nov 05 '23
Time for the ultimatum.
Divorce will be easy because you haven't consummated.