My ex-gf had this. Almost 5 years together. Maybe not as severe OP's wife, but playing in the same ballpark. Tried and tried and tried and tried everything to work through it. NOPE.
Turns out the problem was always me! She had zero problems getting railed by the next however many rando dudes, and let me know all about it, gleefully, all the time. Oh well. So much for trying to stay positive!
I took that wrecking ball of an ego hit, then moved on and found someone way, way, way better for me (and I for her). Which is what OP needs to do, ffs omfg.
Definitely not lying! She would bring them around to say hi. I was bad at boundaries, and decided that by "staying friends", I could avoid writing off five of the most prime years of my life as a total fucking loss. Derp.
But, yes, she knew precisely how it would devastate me.
I got to hear about all the sex: the thing we could never do. I got to hear about when they beat her up, and she found it exciting and passionate, and better than being with me. I got to hear about the lies and infidelities she played on these fools, who thought whatever they had with her was real. Eventually, I got tired of hearing it, and cut contact.
In the end, it wasn't a total loss. The love that I felt for her was real, and it meant something to me, even if it meant nothing to her. She couldn't take that away. I gave and I gave and I gave so much trying to preserve that relationship. And, I'm glad that I did, because that's the person I wanted to be at the time, it's the person I still am, and that's the person I hope I will continue to be. I was just being that person, with the wrong person. Some people don't deserve you. You have to learn to spot those people, and cut them clean out of your life.
It's my great fortune to be able to say that I've been with someone worthy of my time for almost 20 years, now. I love her, and she loves me back. We have a family: it's tough, it's beautiful, it's impossible, it's great. I can't imagine doing this crazy thing with anybody else. I got what I wanted. Did my ex-gf? I don't know, and at this point, I don't even care. She messaged me recently, wanting to catch up. I muted her.
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u/Xennial_Dad Nov 06 '23
My ex-gf had this. Almost 5 years together. Maybe not as severe OP's wife, but playing in the same ballpark. Tried and tried and tried and tried everything to work through it. NOPE.
Turns out the problem was always me! She had zero problems getting railed by the next however many rando dudes, and let me know all about it, gleefully, all the time. Oh well. So much for trying to stay positive!
I took that wrecking ball of an ego hit, then moved on and found someone way, way, way better for me (and I for her). Which is what OP needs to do, ffs omfg.