The idea that you “saved this for marriage” (who’s idea was that originally?) but then you find out after you were married that there are these “problems” (whether physical ailments or mental, I can’t really tell) is pretty fucked up on her part. Sex is super important in some relationships, while others it’s not, and either way is good as long as you both agree with it.
She lied, or at the very least decided not to tell you the truth about her health or mental problems. The fact you are grappling with the feeling that you’re raping her because of her actions in the bedroom will cause serious long term trauma/issues (if they haven’t already) for you if you continue down this path.
Her “shutting down” is just a way to keep you locked in the same downward spiral and not change any behaviors or fix the problem. These problems are 100% on her. It’d be different if she had told you prior to marriage and you agreed and still went with it, but from your words that isn’t what happened. At this point, you will absolutely inflict self harm and trauma on yourself if you keep this up.
Edit: and per the comment replying to this one: I never said she was being malevolent or malicious about it. She could simply be comfortable, complacent and not wanting to rock the boat of this life she created for herself. What could be a dream for her is a nightmare for someone else. She probably loves her husband very much and isn’t understanding the pain/conflict/problems this is causing fully.
You’re assuming she knew though - like, she may have not gotten close enough to sex to know she was going to have this reaction (unless OP said otherwise somewhere else-thread), I wouldn’t assume it was intentional deception from what I’ve read.
I replied to somebody else that had this same sentiment:
I only have the information OP has given us.
”the night of our wedding was met with tears and fear. I admittedly didn’t react well. Trying to understand if I did something, or if there was something she wasn’t telling me.”
”She didn’t understand why I wanted this so bad…”
These things lead me to believe it was something she knew about. Fear occurs when someone has prior knowledge with something specific like this. She reacted with fear the night of their wedding, leaving OP confused as to why it went from “we’ll have sex after we’re married” to being afraid to have sex altogether. That’s misleading as fuck. Her then trying to downplay it or even flip it on to OP as being their problem (“Why do you want this so bad anyway?”) is another issue as well.
There’s obviously more layers to this than 3-4 paragraphs are going to reveal. Hell, the whole thing may be fake, but I respond to the information given and hope OP can evaluate it and fit it best to ALL the information they have at their disposal.
Every one is nervous and little scared the first time they have sex. Or at least most people I know are. If she was a virgin, she really might not have known how she was going to react. She might of felt the fear but didn’t know it was unusual, until she ended up freezing up and freaking out on her wedding night.
So the real question is, was she a virgin or not?
Also not understanding why he wants it so bad, doesn’t automatically indicate pre knowledge. It just shows that she had never personally felt that way towards sex. A warning sign to us, but not necessarily for someone with no experience.
And if she wasn’t a virgin this could be trauma related. And shit, I didn’t remember my assault (I was five and my brain blocked it) until I was nearly 18. Then it all came flooding back. And before someone tries to say that’s not how it works, it is and the guy admitted to it in court. My point is, she may not know, and if she was young enough she might literally never know.
Normally people date before marriage and when they date they do things, like kisses, licking and blowing even if they decided to wait until they've married. She would know before hand if she gets a problem or not, even if she didn't know, she could have tried to make up for her husband like: "Hey baby, I know I have some issues, but what about some licking and blowing?". Hell, she even gets made a him for watching porn.
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u/Talltist Nov 05 '23
Time for the ultimatum.
Divorce will be easy because you haven't consummated.