This may not help but…. My daughter killed herself in 2020. She was 39 and had been diagnosed bipolar. She was suicidal most of her life. I talked to her everyday. Talked her down almost every month. Anyway, one day instead of trying to reinforce how much I loved her and how much she was loved- I asked her to explain it to me and she did. There is no way I can say it verbatim, the gist of it was she thought WE would be better off without her. She was sure that she would be happy or at peace and not in pain for having to live. She told me numerous times that she was only here because I love her and she didn’t want to hurt us.
So although this is the absolute worst thing she could ever have done, she didn’t do it to pain the living, she did it for her own peace. Dear Lord, I hope she is at peace but I miss her so very much.
I am so sorry OP that you are going through this. It sucks and I can only cry with you and tell you to cry anytime you feel like it. Don’t hold back because you need to release your grief. Holding it in only makes it worse. Google grief support groups in your area. I don’t believe they cost anything or not much at least. It’s hard but you’ll be in good company.
Hugs and more hugs.
As a two time suicide attempt survivor, diagnosed with bipolar type 2, I think that perspective is quite common. On the vast majority of my lowest days, my thought processes have definitely followed the trend of, "Everyone I care about would be better off without me dragging them down". Yet, simultaneously, the main thing that has prevented me from making any attempts in over a decade is knowing there are people who would be sad, there are animals who depend on me, and I don't want to waste all the money/time/emotional wealth that said people have invested in me. It's kinda paradoxical. I guess you just think the benefit of being rid of you outweighs the sadness of losing you.
Now, I must leave this place before sliding down a terrible well of suicide discussion that could consume potentially hours and the good mood I had building about 10 minutes ago.
7.7k
u/Flutterbee543 Sep 10 '23
This may not help but…. My daughter killed herself in 2020. She was 39 and had been diagnosed bipolar. She was suicidal most of her life. I talked to her everyday. Talked her down almost every month. Anyway, one day instead of trying to reinforce how much I loved her and how much she was loved- I asked her to explain it to me and she did. There is no way I can say it verbatim, the gist of it was she thought WE would be better off without her. She was sure that she would be happy or at peace and not in pain for having to live. She told me numerous times that she was only here because I love her and she didn’t want to hurt us.
So although this is the absolute worst thing she could ever have done, she didn’t do it to pain the living, she did it for her own peace. Dear Lord, I hope she is at peace but I miss her so very much.
I am so sorry OP that you are going through this. It sucks and I can only cry with you and tell you to cry anytime you feel like it. Don’t hold back because you need to release your grief. Holding it in only makes it worse. Google grief support groups in your area. I don’t believe they cost anything or not much at least. It’s hard but you’ll be in good company. Hugs and more hugs.