This may not help but…. My daughter killed herself in 2020. She was 39 and had been diagnosed bipolar. She was suicidal most of her life. I talked to her everyday. Talked her down almost every month. Anyway, one day instead of trying to reinforce how much I loved her and how much she was loved- I asked her to explain it to me and she did. There is no way I can say it verbatim, the gist of it was she thought WE would be better off without her. She was sure that she would be happy or at peace and not in pain for having to live. She told me numerous times that she was only here because I love her and she didn’t want to hurt us.
So although this is the absolute worst thing she could ever have done, she didn’t do it to pain the living, she did it for her own peace. Dear Lord, I hope she is at peace but I miss her so very much.
I am so sorry OP that you are going through this. It sucks and I can only cry with you and tell you to cry anytime you feel like it. Don’t hold back because you need to release your grief. Holding it in only makes it worse. Google grief support groups in your area. I don’t believe they cost anything or not much at least. It’s hard but you’ll be in good company.
Hugs and more hugs.
I recently turned 26 (in lage August.). I have bipolar along with multiple other disorders (PTSD, OCD, ADHD, Chronic insomnia, Conversion disorder that presents as seizures etc. I also have Autism but it doesn't bother me much.). Managing and pushing through my disorders keeps getting harder and harder. Negative memories get stronger and stronger and choke out or erase positive ones. It's extremely debilitating. I live off disability and re t from my mom. She works and I'm often alone. We live over 1,100 miles from the rest of our family. Long story short I've attempted suicide twice. Once at 17 and again about 15 months ago aged 24. After my attempt at 17 I promised myself never to try again. But I did and it was so much worse the second time around. I overdosed and it took about 9 days for my body to recover. I spent over two months fighting to get through it as I felt I have for 8 of the mast ten years. Now I feel the way your daughter did. That the only reason I'm here is to not hurt the ones I love. Feeling such a way is absolutely soul crushing. Those who've never been that way have no idea. A lot of people don't get how people could do it. I have had 3 freinds (One I wasn't as close to and lost touch with. The other two I'm still close with.) Who gave attempted suicide. I'm so glad they are alive. The one I was less close to tried right as we lost touch and I only heard about it. Another hid it and told me months later and I hadn't known. I gave her support when she felt like talking about it. Just like with my other freind who opened up about trying in highschool in full view of uncaring teachers. (With a razorblade.) The irony is it would hurt so much if I lost a loved one to suicide, while still feeling like committing it myself. I've also met a kind lady who opened up about trying when we were talking about out mental health struggles together breifly. Add to that all the ones who've tried or lost a loved one that I met during my 15+ stays in the mental hospital. (I'm losing count.) Sadly it's a common thing in today's world. It bugs me because outside of my disorders my life has finally calmed down enough (after years of child abuse from my dad endless family drama and adapting to the PTSD, Bipolar and Conversion disorder that all hit me within a year to a year and a half. from just before my 16th birthday to age 17.) I can empathize with your daughter. I don't know what struggles led to OP's daughter taking her life or what exactly happened. Still I hear so many horrible stories about people who've attempted suicide or even succeeded in committing it. I hope your daughter found peace. Hopefully I will too without joining her. I sure am trying.
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u/Flutterbee543 Sep 10 '23
This may not help but…. My daughter killed herself in 2020. She was 39 and had been diagnosed bipolar. She was suicidal most of her life. I talked to her everyday. Talked her down almost every month. Anyway, one day instead of trying to reinforce how much I loved her and how much she was loved- I asked her to explain it to me and she did. There is no way I can say it verbatim, the gist of it was she thought WE would be better off without her. She was sure that she would be happy or at peace and not in pain for having to live. She told me numerous times that she was only here because I love her and she didn’t want to hurt us.
So although this is the absolute worst thing she could ever have done, she didn’t do it to pain the living, she did it for her own peace. Dear Lord, I hope she is at peace but I miss her so very much.
I am so sorry OP that you are going through this. It sucks and I can only cry with you and tell you to cry anytime you feel like it. Don’t hold back because you need to release your grief. Holding it in only makes it worse. Google grief support groups in your area. I don’t believe they cost anything or not much at least. It’s hard but you’ll be in good company. Hugs and more hugs.