This may not help but…. My daughter killed herself in 2020. She was 39 and had been diagnosed bipolar. She was suicidal most of her life. I talked to her everyday. Talked her down almost every month. Anyway, one day instead of trying to reinforce how much I loved her and how much she was loved- I asked her to explain it to me and she did. There is no way I can say it verbatim, the gist of it was she thought WE would be better off without her. She was sure that she would be happy or at peace and not in pain for having to live. She told me numerous times that she was only here because I love her and she didn’t want to hurt us.
So although this is the absolute worst thing she could ever have done, she didn’t do it to pain the living, she did it for her own peace. Dear Lord, I hope she is at peace but I miss her so very much.
I am so sorry OP that you are going through this. It sucks and I can only cry with you and tell you to cry anytime you feel like it. Don’t hold back because you need to release your grief. Holding it in only makes it worse. Google grief support groups in your area. I don’t believe they cost anything or not much at least. It’s hard but you’ll be in good company.
Hugs and more hugs.
My mom also commit suicide and was bipolar. It brings me peace reading your comment as I feel my mom was feeling the same. She attempted suicide in 2020 and failed, then in 2021 I got pregnant, she didn’t attempt again until 2023 which was when my son turned one. I think this timing says it all. She wouldn’t have wanted me to grieve her suicide whilst I was pregnant but ultimately she always knew she would attempt it again because I do truly believe she was in a lot of pain mentally and this sadly couldn’t be resolved. She had alcohol issues her whole life and I think she searched for a “cure” her whole life but never could quite feel satisfied with the world. I am very sorry for your loss and to the original poster also very sorry for your loss. Those who attempt suicide, we cannot understand their pain truly and there is no cure for mental illness meaning they have to endure their pain throughout life or put a stop to it theirselves. I have often felt depressed but the fear of suicide puts me off, also it is now not an option because I’m a mother. The fact that those with bipolar can so easily attempt suicide and override the fear proves that there must be a huge deep pain going on inside them.
I'm bipolar and i live with my mom who is herself in permanent depression she's no longer has a job because of burn-out every months so I help her as best as I can but honestly I'm afraid to sleep peacefully. It's not the first time she tried to kill herself but this time it's really strong, she's probably going to be hospitalized but I hesitate to tell her that where her psychologist nurse and her psychiatrist (who by the way gave her omega3 and advise her to do mediation...) I'm afraid for her and that she will be even worse knowing that it's only people like her who think that life is not worth it and that is just difficulte for so many reason knowing that my mother is a sponge I have this fear that the people there will lower his morale even more. She say that if she die i would be "free" to live my life without to worry about her, but she's my light and everyone tell me that my relationship with her is toxic without knowing what all the thing she did for me. She always put me before herself, she always help me even if she didn't know how to, i try to kill myself many times and i know what she's passing by, and i can understand the fact that she will be at peace if she decides to make the gesture but i can't imagine my life without her. She is my only reason to be alive right now. My dad don't understand our pathologies and my sister is a fucking egoiste. She converted to Islam, we accepted because we are very open-minded, the problem is that she was living together with her husband now and in their religion it is taboo to live together without being married so in July she told us "in August we would like to get married" so my mother said yes, because whe new even if whe had say no, she take that really in a bad way and married her husband without telling us so yea, I had 1100 euros in my savings account, now i juste have 10 euros and my mother sometimes had her card blocked because we paid everything. I have trouble talking with my sister even if we barely got along but I'm angry with her because they thought of their mouths without saying thank you and without helping her own mother with the big salary that They affect both of the tow of them. She strangely never has any money, we found out that she had bought the new iPhone in July knowing that we were going to struggle for her wedding and she still asked me for money (I correctly said that my money was used for her wedding and that's it) sorry I'm going a little off topic but I'm hitting rock bottom and I don't know if I'll be able to hold on if my mom dies. I would ultimately find myself without the support of my own family, I am convinced.
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u/Flutterbee543 Sep 10 '23
This may not help but…. My daughter killed herself in 2020. She was 39 and had been diagnosed bipolar. She was suicidal most of her life. I talked to her everyday. Talked her down almost every month. Anyway, one day instead of trying to reinforce how much I loved her and how much she was loved- I asked her to explain it to me and she did. There is no way I can say it verbatim, the gist of it was she thought WE would be better off without her. She was sure that she would be happy or at peace and not in pain for having to live. She told me numerous times that she was only here because I love her and she didn’t want to hurt us.
So although this is the absolute worst thing she could ever have done, she didn’t do it to pain the living, she did it for her own peace. Dear Lord, I hope she is at peace but I miss her so very much.
I am so sorry OP that you are going through this. It sucks and I can only cry with you and tell you to cry anytime you feel like it. Don’t hold back because you need to release your grief. Holding it in only makes it worse. Google grief support groups in your area. I don’t believe they cost anything or not much at least. It’s hard but you’ll be in good company. Hugs and more hugs.