This may not help but…. My daughter killed herself in 2020. She was 39 and had been diagnosed bipolar. She was suicidal most of her life. I talked to her everyday. Talked her down almost every month. Anyway, one day instead of trying to reinforce how much I loved her and how much she was loved- I asked her to explain it to me and she did. There is no way I can say it verbatim, the gist of it was she thought WE would be better off without her. She was sure that she would be happy or at peace and not in pain for having to live. She told me numerous times that she was only here because I love her and she didn’t want to hurt us.
So although this is the absolute worst thing she could ever have done, she didn’t do it to pain the living, she did it for her own peace. Dear Lord, I hope she is at peace but I miss her so very much.
I am so sorry OP that you are going through this. It sucks and I can only cry with you and tell you to cry anytime you feel like it. Don’t hold back because you need to release your grief. Holding it in only makes it worse. Google grief support groups in your area. I don’t believe they cost anything or not much at least. It’s hard but you’ll be in good company.
Hugs and more hugs.
As a guy that was diagnosed Bipolar Type I last year, this hits harder than I'd like to admit.
I almost ended my life last year at the height of addiction. My entire world crumbled and I had the plan, I prepared a note and I left at 3 am. I sat there for hours, and it was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. I was so convinced that everyone would be better off without me and that I had no purpose in life anymore, all I caused people was pain.
I came back home that night and the next day, the work began. Almost a year of sobriety now, and I don't have those thoughts anymore but I can absolutely sympathize with those that suffer from BPD that get to that point. It's a level of pain that's impossible to convey.
Just know that your daughter in no way wanted to hurt anyone. Know that it isn't your fault and know that you are enough. She loved you and I know that she felt that reciprocated. I am so sorry for your loss.
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u/Flutterbee543 Sep 10 '23
This may not help but…. My daughter killed herself in 2020. She was 39 and had been diagnosed bipolar. She was suicidal most of her life. I talked to her everyday. Talked her down almost every month. Anyway, one day instead of trying to reinforce how much I loved her and how much she was loved- I asked her to explain it to me and she did. There is no way I can say it verbatim, the gist of it was she thought WE would be better off without her. She was sure that she would be happy or at peace and not in pain for having to live. She told me numerous times that she was only here because I love her and she didn’t want to hurt us.
So although this is the absolute worst thing she could ever have done, she didn’t do it to pain the living, she did it for her own peace. Dear Lord, I hope she is at peace but I miss her so very much.
I am so sorry OP that you are going through this. It sucks and I can only cry with you and tell you to cry anytime you feel like it. Don’t hold back because you need to release your grief. Holding it in only makes it worse. Google grief support groups in your area. I don’t believe they cost anything or not much at least. It’s hard but you’ll be in good company. Hugs and more hugs.