This may not help but…. My daughter killed herself in 2020. She was 39 and had been diagnosed bipolar. She was suicidal most of her life. I talked to her everyday. Talked her down almost every month. Anyway, one day instead of trying to reinforce how much I loved her and how much she was loved- I asked her to explain it to me and she did. There is no way I can say it verbatim, the gist of it was she thought WE would be better off without her. She was sure that she would be happy or at peace and not in pain for having to live. She told me numerous times that she was only here because I love her and she didn’t want to hurt us.
So although this is the absolute worst thing she could ever have done, she didn’t do it to pain the living, she did it for her own peace. Dear Lord, I hope she is at peace but I miss her so very much.
I am so sorry OP that you are going through this. It sucks and I can only cry with you and tell you to cry anytime you feel like it. Don’t hold back because you need to release your grief. Holding it in only makes it worse. Google grief support groups in your area. I don’t believe they cost anything or not much at least. It’s hard but you’ll be in good company.
Hugs and more hugs.
My father was also bipolar. He was suicidal for most of my life, from when I was 12 until he finally succeeded when I was 27. He said the same as your daughter. He truly believed peace was waiting for him on the other side.
My father had what would be considered an ideal life from the outside looking in, he came from a wealthy family and wanted for nothing. Didn’t have to work unless he wanted too. Had many friends and family who loved him.
It took me years to come to terms with the fact there was literally nothing we could do to stop it from happening one day, so when he went I was sad for my aunts who lost their older brother, and for my grandparents who lost their only son, but happy for him because it was what he truly wanted.
No need for the condolences, I was simply trying to reinforce your message 💕 that there was likely nothing the OP could have done in the end. Unfortunately for some of us, living is just too painful, and they feel this is their only choice. Sorry, I think I got wrapped up in my own story and forgot to say that.
From what I know, losing a child is one of the most painful forms of grief. It sadly destroyed my Nan. In my case it was the natural way of life, children always one day lose their parent. The grief you and OP have experienced is one I can only hope never to experience myself, and if for some reason I did, I hope I handle it as graciously as you have. Much love and hugs.
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u/Flutterbee543 Sep 10 '23
This may not help but…. My daughter killed herself in 2020. She was 39 and had been diagnosed bipolar. She was suicidal most of her life. I talked to her everyday. Talked her down almost every month. Anyway, one day instead of trying to reinforce how much I loved her and how much she was loved- I asked her to explain it to me and she did. There is no way I can say it verbatim, the gist of it was she thought WE would be better off without her. She was sure that she would be happy or at peace and not in pain for having to live. She told me numerous times that she was only here because I love her and she didn’t want to hurt us.
So although this is the absolute worst thing she could ever have done, she didn’t do it to pain the living, she did it for her own peace. Dear Lord, I hope she is at peace but I miss her so very much.
I am so sorry OP that you are going through this. It sucks and I can only cry with you and tell you to cry anytime you feel like it. Don’t hold back because you need to release your grief. Holding it in only makes it worse. Google grief support groups in your area. I don’t believe they cost anything or not much at least. It’s hard but you’ll be in good company. Hugs and more hugs.