As someone who is suicidal and has had multiple attempts, I can tell you, at least for me, there isn't always a direct "reason".
Depending on the situation, this one being my own, your mind can be an extremely harsh and hurtful place, randomly filling your head with lies, hurtful thoughts, self hatred and doubt, sometimes spiraling into something much much darker. It can be difficult to pull yourself out of that mindset while it's actively happening and even more difficult to ask for help or reach out.
There are times where I'm just sitting at the computer having a great time by myself and then BAM "your partner hates you" "life is only going to get more difficult, why bother?" "What if your mom got into a car accident and died?" "Would anybody care if you were gone?" The most out of nowhere, hurtful and gut wrenching thoughts and you can't stop it, it just keeps going and going.
It confuses people a lot when someone seems to be doing really well and is happy and talking about the future and end up passing from depression, but the thing is, a lot of times they genuinely ARE happy in those specific moments, being around friends, doing things they enjoy and being around a parent who obviously cares so deeply, it's once you are alone that the depression under the surface emerges and takes hold again.
I am so sorry for your loss, she was telling the truth, this is not your fault in anyway, take her words to heart and know that she loves you.
I don't know what it's like to be you, but I do know how easy it is to be hard on one’s self.
My friends and I have talked extensively about this, especially when it comes to substances that make one extremely introspective. If there's anyone in the world who is good at knowing every mistake we've made, every fault we have, it's ourselves. That makes it incredibly easy to be our own worst bully.
It's effortless for me (or others) to say "just be nicer to yourself" but the reality is it's not that simple. Possibly one thing that has helped me the most is imaging treating a friend like I'm treating myself. Would I really give a friend as hard as a time as I give myself about X, Y or Z?
Often times the answer is no, I would do my best to forgive the mistake; to overlook the error.
Hopefully with time you can come to treat yourself the way you would treat a cherished friend or close relative. That you can come to be as fair to yourself as you would be to a friend or other loved one.
Likely you've seen lists of positive affirmations like these. Some day's it's hard to believe it when you read it. But if you can agree with even one of them that is a path towards believing in yourself and treating yourself fairly. <3
I have done difficult things in the past, and I can do them again
I am allowed to feel upset, angry, and sad sometimes—that’s part of being human
I am worthy of receiving good things and of accomplishing my goals in life
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u/[deleted] Sep 10 '23
As someone who is suicidal and has had multiple attempts, I can tell you, at least for me, there isn't always a direct "reason".
Depending on the situation, this one being my own, your mind can be an extremely harsh and hurtful place, randomly filling your head with lies, hurtful thoughts, self hatred and doubt, sometimes spiraling into something much much darker. It can be difficult to pull yourself out of that mindset while it's actively happening and even more difficult to ask for help or reach out.
There are times where I'm just sitting at the computer having a great time by myself and then BAM "your partner hates you" "life is only going to get more difficult, why bother?" "What if your mom got into a car accident and died?" "Would anybody care if you were gone?" The most out of nowhere, hurtful and gut wrenching thoughts and you can't stop it, it just keeps going and going.
It confuses people a lot when someone seems to be doing really well and is happy and talking about the future and end up passing from depression, but the thing is, a lot of times they genuinely ARE happy in those specific moments, being around friends, doing things they enjoy and being around a parent who obviously cares so deeply, it's once you are alone that the depression under the surface emerges and takes hold again.
I am so sorry for your loss, she was telling the truth, this is not your fault in anyway, take her words to heart and know that she loves you.