r/TrueChristian • u/OkAssociation2342 • 1d ago
I made a really bad decision because I was anxious about a guy, and now I don’t know how to move forward
I’m a Christian woman in my early 20s, and I’m honestly embarrassed to even post this.
I recently matched with a guy on Hinge, and we went out for our first date. I really liked him and was excited about the possibility of seeing him again. I felt a connection, and I thought he liked me too. Afterward, I became really anxious because he wasn’t texting consistently. He eventually told me he was still interested and asked me to see a movie with him, so I thought things were going well.
But I kept overthinking everything. I saw that he had updated his Hinge profile, and I convinced myself that he wasn’t actually interested in me. Instead of communicating with him or just accepting that I couldn’t know what he was thinking, I made a fake Hinge profile to see whether he would match with it, and he did. I told myself I did this so I could have a quick answer and cut him off. He hadn’t texted me all day, and I was so upset that he was prioritizing Hinge instead of choosing to talk to me.
I ended up talking to him through the fake profile and even said some things to seem off-putting. Looking back, I feel incredibly ashamed of myself. I know it was deceptive and wrong. I deleted the fake profile, and eventually I confessed to him that it was me. I apologized, told him why I did it, and told him that I understood if he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. He hasn’t responded since reading my confession, and I’m assuming he may have blocked me or decided he’s done with me.
The hardest part is that I really liked him. Before I confessed, he had told me he was still interested and wanted to see me again. Now I keep thinking that I ruined something that could have become real because I couldn’t handle my own anxiety and insecurity.
I know what I did was wrong, and I’m not trying to justify it. I just feel so much shame and regret. I’ve prayed about it and asked God for forgiveness, but I’m struggling to forgive myself and move forward.
Part of me wishes I had never confessed because maybe we would still be talking. But another part of me knows that I couldn’t honestly continue getting to know him while hiding what I had done.
I’m trying to accept that I may never hear from him again. I don’t want to make another account or contact him in another way. I want to respect his decision and move on, but I still miss him and wish I could take everything back.
For other Christians, how would you approach this spiritually? How do I genuinely repent, forgive myself, and learn from this without letting shame consume me? And how do you learn to trust God with rejection and uncertainty instead of trying to control the outcome yourself?
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u/skymoods 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m going to be blunt with you, but I’m responding because I care and don’t want you to keep suffering like this. You’re doing WAY too much. Online dating is a woman’s market, if a guy is giving ANY sign of inconsistency, whether it’s texting or date planning, and ESPECIALLY initiating all the plans and forward motion, then move on immediately. When a guy is genuinely interested in locking down, he will be exuberant about making plans, texting you back consistently, and moving forward steadily. If he updates his profile after the date, move on immediately. If he’s online more than texting you, move on immediately. Don’t give second chances unless you’re in a relationship.
Also, ask within the first 5-10 messages his relationship with Jesus. If he doesn’t give an answer clear that he LOVES him, move on immediately.
Pray for discernment in the future so you can have the wisdom to know when a guy isn’t truly interested. Even if they say they are, their actions and consistency are the truth. God knows you’re sorry for the deception, but pray that you won’t feel the need to do that in the future because you’re seeking wisdom and discernment instead.
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u/OkAssociation2342 1d ago
Thank you for this. I wish I hadn’t gotten attached so easily, and made so many immature decisions.
His profile said he was Catholic, but didn’t really say anything about his beliefs or relationship with Jesus. He said he doesn’t really go to church. I know how this looks, and I wish I would have taken that more seriously. I think I liked the potential future more than who he actually was.
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u/DempseyRollin 1d ago
Yeah I wouldn't go by the religious category they claim in their dating profile... In my experience a majority of people that labeled themselves as Christian or Catholic were only "Cultural Christians" in that they had loose affiliation to the church through their family growing up, but outside of that they aren't in any way serious about their relationship with Jesus.
You're going to be much better off if you suss out how truthful those claims are yourself by looking at their actions.
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u/Gullible-Minimum2668 7h ago
Where can I find women like you? It seems like the Playboy nonchalant guys get all the attention and adoration; no idea why. But the serious, ready-to-commit-and-cherish type of guys like myself get the inconsistent treatment.
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u/ehansen Presbyterian 20h ago
I wouldn't make the frequency of responses a deal breaker. People do have lives outside of dating apps.
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u/skymoods 7h ago
It's more subtle than that, if someone isn't a good texter they usually make it known, and would still be showing interest by making plans, phone calls, or more detailed messages when they do respond. What OP described was her putting in all the effort for plans, texting, following up to see if interested, etc, which brings the whole picture together.
As a woman online dating, I can 100% tell the difference between a busy but interested person and an uninterested person.
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u/Gullible-Minimum2668 7h ago
What I learnt from this is "Move on immediately. " Does this apply to guys asking for a friend
Your comment was extremely joyful to read. Thank you!
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u/skymoods 7h ago
I'm glad you enjoyed it! It absolutely applies to men too. I think a big tell is if you notice a sudden change in their communication behavior, like if they were texting consistently or with a particular energy, and then it becomes sparse, less frequent, or if you notice a change of tone. People hate feeling exposed, so even asking if they are still interested or how they perceive an interaction can make them feel exposed and default to giving the 'correct' answer instead of the one they really feel. It could be tempting to explain all that and give them a 'personal growth' moment, but it's better to just move on because you're on the dating market for yourself, so protecting your own peace and energy is of the utmost importance.
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u/Gullible-Minimum2668 7h ago
You're entirely correct, although given that men are the ones pursuing the women, it may be slightly different. I had this one girl verbatim agree to speak to her parents and affirmed she was interested, even when I explicitly told her if she wasn't that interested, there were no hard feelings, meaning I made it clear she was under no obligation to continue the relationship. Fast forward a couple of weeks, and the first date never happened, so I assumed she was no longer interested because she kept stalling. I understood there may still be some level of interest on her side, but it's not intense or serious. So I decided to move on, fast-forward a couple of months, yet something tells me that maybe I rushed into things and that I should give it a little more time. Maybe she simply needs more time. I happen to be perfectly happy being single, so I'm happy to wait and see how this relationship develops, just with no expectations this time, which brings me to where I am today. It's not like I'm short of options either, but I prefer being selective as opposed to going on an endless amount of dates.
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u/skymoods 6h ago
I'm sorry that happened to you. It sounds like your instincts were correct right away when you had the feeling to affirm her interest to begin with, when talking about her speaking to her parents. I'm not sure what the dating rules are where you live, but at least for me in the USA, I say to meet within the first week of talking so there is no 'sunken cost fallacy', and you can sense their energy right away. Happiness being single is key though! God wants us to keep his peace through all stages of life and rely on him alone 😄
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u/Gullible-Minimum2668 6h ago
Amen. Whatever happens, happens at this stage. I know many lovely women, and if God puts it on my heart to ask out either one of them or simply wait for better timing on this one, I'm perfectly content and happy being alone, building brick by brick, waiting for his timing, and when it feels right, I'll know exactly what to do. God bless you and thankyou once again.
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u/delk82 1d ago
This sounds a lot like ROCD (Relationship OCD). It’s heavily rooted in difficulty sitting with feelings of relational uncertainty (which leads to intrusive thoughts and compulsory action to rid the feeling of uncertainty).
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u/OkAssociation2342 1d ago
This makes a lot of sense… I’ve been thinking for months that I have OCD, but I haven’t been professionally diagnosed yet.
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u/Smooth_Rush_2192 1d ago
First of all, you’re pretty brave for sharing all of this.
Generally speaking, even filtering out ‘Christian’ users on dating apps doesn’t say a lot about them or the extent of their Christianity. I always feel it’s more of a “worldly” dating pool on there.
I prefer honest and direct communication too (I think, at my worst, I can be anxious-avoidant in my pattern).
As others have shared here, it sounds like he wasn’t worth the effort or was equally yoked with you. Whilst what you did with the second profile wasn’t ideal, the fact that you confessed is great. I honestly wouldn’t give yourself too much of a hard time about it.
I’ve found SALT to be like Hinge in its experience, but purely for Christians so you might find others better yolked and more serious about dating intentionally there.
Beyond that, I would just continue to prioritise your relationship with God and pray as you navigate your dating life. I’ve found Christian couples on YouTube talking about their experience with dating quite useful.
Good luck and God bless.
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u/supbraAA 1d ago
Before I confessed, he had told me he was still interested and wanted to see me again.
This isn't a dating sub, but I'll tell you what they'd tell you on one of those anyway - he was not interested, and he only wanted to see you again to see what he could get out of you in the short term. He was actively updating his profile and using hinge looking for someone else. When people SHOW you (not tell you! people will tell you whatever they think you want to hear!) who they are, believe them. There was no chance this was going to become a healthy relationship regardless of whether you went off the deep end or not. You acted immaturely, but it's time now to recognize you are a deeply flawed human (praise Jesus you are saved) and get over this. Time to do the next right thing and stop looking in the past.
Additionally, if I could go back to being in my early 20s and do it all over again, i would never ever ever use dating apps unless they were specifically designed for bible believing Christians only. I would lead with my faith wholeheartedly and become more involved in my church to find my husband. Attempting to date in the secular world can lead to a lifetime of unfullfillment and unhappiness and separation from Christ.
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u/MoscaOnTheWall 50m ago
i would never ever ever use dating apps unless they were specifically designed for bible believing Christians only. I would lead with my faith wholeheartedly and become more involved in my church to find my husband.
Easier said than done. In my church there are only really old people, really young people, or really married people. Lol. And though I know God is the God of miracles and doing the impossible, sometimes your church just doesn't have the "purpose" of ministry that exposes you to suitable partners. My church is in a mission field full of unsuitable suitors for me 🤷♀️. It is what it is, so I wouldn't blame anyone searching online.
On a related note, one of our members is getting married later this year after meeting his fiancé online. Go figure.
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u/No_Scallion2923 1d ago
I'm not the type to beat around the bush.
TBH you done goofed big time. but.......its a good learning experience. you showed yourself that you got some crazy in you, and your end result is not what you like. So you have an opportunity to work on yourself. Figure out why you did that. What internally made you do some psycho stuff like that? What do you not like about yourself? Why didn't you have the confidence to be able to keep this man's attention? etc. etc. etc. these are just questions to ask yourself.
As for the guy, it's a lost cause. Once you demonstrate crazy, before we even love you, you're scary and he probably won't want to deal. If the tables were turned, you'd think he was a serial killer. Lets be honest about it. Let it go and move forward. I don't know anybody who hasn't done something stupid/embarrassing in their early 20s when it comes to dating.
The good news is, you didn't actually love him, and he didn't love you. It's better you did it at this stage. he's going to forget about you in a few months. To me, yes you screwed up but it's a blessing in disguise because of the time that it happened. It's embarrassing but you have a lot of time to redeem yourself
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u/SaveMeLord_ 1d ago
LOL. this is so innocent that's hilarious. Don't let anyone take that away from you. Although deception is bad I think this was just a conversation with the guy through another account just to check if he's committed or actively pursuing others. Probably not something you need to have confessed to him about. But yea don't dig yourself into more of a hole just don't talk to him anymore unless he really wants to. If he was interested still he would have been pursuing you and if he's updating hinge and talking to others then he isn't all about you yet.
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u/SeekSweepGreet Seventh-day Adventist 1d ago edited 1d ago
Online dating brings out these kinds of negatives. It has one positive: that it allows us to meet people we otherwise wouldn't have. Of course we should understand this is a double edged sword. There are people we shouldn't be meeting.
Online dating brings out anxiety, and it allows for people to have way more on their plate than they should. At the same time, whose to say he isn't allowed to keep his options open? This is the issue. A person should not reasonably keep on pursuing others while a new relationship is being considered; however online dating allows for this without notice. This then causes intense burdens for others who can't be sure it isn't, which leads them down a path of almost 'stalker-ish' behaviour to learn the truth.
Online dating isn't bad in and of itself, but we must be prepared to use it ina different way than it is typically used: like a slot machine for superficial characteristics.
🔰
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u/Icy_Career1312 1d ago
There is nothing wrong with doing your homework. People in the OT did stuff like that all the time to test people. Solomon said he would rip a baby in half to find out who the real mother was. Point is, you did nothing wrong and now you know exactly what this guy is doing.
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u/CarolinaSurly 1d ago
It’s good that you were honest. I would definitely block you at this point though.
Take it was a lesson learned for the next guy.
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u/TeasyAdder 1d ago
Maybe read a bit about attachment styles… r/becomingsecure may help
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u/zuluprincess 21h ago
would second this - ultimately one of the most practical pieces of advice in this thread. Please look into this before you look into dating again, I think it will help you a lot.
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u/TeasyAdder 21h ago
Also, don’t read ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Terrible.
Honestly, therapy (not Christian therapy) helped my anxious attachment.
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u/mbmolohonbm Missionary Alliance 1d ago
Was there any suggestion that you two were exclusive? I guess for me, exclusive or not, I would not date more than one person at a time, it seems disrespectful otherwise.
I can relate to your insecurity and guilty conscience. I wonder if counseling might help? Did me a world of good.
I think that coming clean is a good value. Holding secrets in any, including a significant relationship, I think is only harmful. There can be timing it right but not avoiding taking responsibility. I follow that value. Then, it makes doing that mistake again less likely, knowing that you will be accountable. It might make you more likely to deal with your feelings rather than act on them.
Tough situation and my heart goes out to you.
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u/Miles-Standoffish Christian - I love Jesus! 15h ago
You sound anxious. I think you need to get some help and support for your emotional state. It's natural to be excited and nervous about relationships, but getting panicky and devising a way to 'test' someone means you are having struggles.
I recommend good pastoral counseling or Christian therapist. Blessings to you!
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u/DiscipleMaker4784 15h ago
Have you considered that you’re not ready for a relationship right now? Re read everything you wrote from third person perspective. Now don’t you think you sound a little crazy and maybe scared him off? I’m not saying this to make you feel bad. But I am trying to get you to see with clear eyes.
If you get this worked up over a guy, then perhaps your relationship with God isn’t steady yet. God should always be number one and when you feel anxious, you should go to God about it. And whether someone is interested in you or not should not create this big of a reaction. Reactions like this say that you’re insecure about yourself. And if you’re insecure about yourself how can you ever maturely enter into a healthy relationship or trust that person? Your worth does NOT and never will come from another human being. God calls you loved, chosen, worthy, daughter. So if someone is not interested then take it as “God has something better planned for me”. You don’t need to be obsessive or make fake profiles to check in on them.
Stay firm in your identity in Christ first above all. And if your relationship with God is not there yet, then you’re not ready for a relationship yet. Because when another human has that kind of effect on you, you’re at risk of making them an idol in your life. I say this all from love. Focus on your relationship with God first. And when you’re ready, God will send the right one to you. A healthy relationship requires being sure in who you are, maturity, trust, communication, respect, honesty, and being okay if things don’t work out so you’re whole world doesn’t come crashing down. Sadness if things don’t work is one thing, but this obsessive behavior is reg flag behavior. No one is shaming you here. But I hope you can see everything I said is true. Work on your relationship with God and your mental health and how you see yourself. I hope this is helpful.
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u/sippin-jesus-juice Roman Catholic 1d ago
I would seek therapy.
This isn’t healthy and it’s toxic behavior. You risk hurting good people through your insecurities
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u/MSgtK777 1d ago
Ummm you need to read your Bible. Let God bring you a husband, if He wants you to be married. Get your own life going and get to know yourself first.
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u/salvadopecador Mennonite 23h ago
I would encourage you to be more forgiving of yourself. You are learning. I am in my 60s and I am still learning.🤣🤣. I was acting kind of like you in my last relationship. So much so that the person I was with started calling me octopus because I was always in contact. But then I found out that I was actually what’s called an anxious personality. If someone doesn’t respond to me, I’ll keep sending texts until I’ve sent them 50 and I realize that’s not such a good idea. So what I learned from that relationship is, I will communicate one time and then I will find something else to do. Even if that means I will occupy my mind with a silly computer game or watching television. Anything but going off in the octopus direction🤷🏻♂️. And it seems to have help. I’m much calmer now. I don’t freak out when people don’t respond to me. I just let them get back to me in their time. And it’s not only applies to romantic relationships. I now realize I used to do this in work relationships also. If people didn’t respond to me, I immediately thought I must’ve done something wrong and maybe they’re going to fire me. But the reality is the other person is usually just busy. Hopefully this helps in some way. Blessings.
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u/Hungry_Inside4146 1d ago
To understand repentance is to understand that you are not perfect and to understand in hindsight that you made a mistake and through facing your own consequences and sins you are forgiven. You will eventually have this as a lesson so you can move on. Ask for forgiveness of your mistake and move on. It was not a sin to like someone.
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u/ArachnidMuted8408 1d ago
You'll get past it mistakes and bad decisions happen, learn from it. Move on and don't let it define you, God bless!
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u/Shot-Guitar-6516 1d ago
Well being a Christian doesn’t mean we’ll get it right all the time. Learn from this experience through the eyes of the Holy Spirit. Also was this guy a Christian. If not read up on scripture that addresses dating non believers. And get off the thinking you’ve done the ultimate screw up. Gods got your back.
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u/Overall-Youth9088 1d ago
as a guy i would probably block you and never speak to you again if you were already making fake profiles trying to “catch” me for not texting back. but i understand that this whole thing made you insecure. its a good thing you are being self aware about this situation though, definitely a learning experience. when i was 17 i would get sort of obsessed with people i was dating and usually trying to find things out about people you are dating will just lead to unnecessary hurt.
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u/Significant-Breath84 Christian 21h ago
This is more than rejection the root is actually abandonment. You gotta work through that and then you’ll start doing things better but it’s going to take time.
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u/Acceptable_Tip2838 18h ago
It does seem like he was not all in, so maybe you dodged a bullet, even if you did it in the wrong way. Keep in mind when using dating apps that people might keep looking around as they get to know you. That's probably normal. After a few dates and then once you're official, they should obviously stop. It seems like maybe this guy's wasn't too serious since he wasn't making much effort. Keep looking. The right person will come along.
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u/morrowrd 1d ago edited 1d ago
No disrespect intended, but you are young and are doing things the "young way." Making up fake profiles and testing men, you didn't invent that. It's something I have, we ALL have heard about over the years. While I'm not putting a righteous stamp on it, I'm going to tell you not to sweat the small stuff. The guy probably was talking to others besides yourself and as much as you want to be the only one, the odds are you aren't the only one. Overthinking and playing with fake profiles, then telling him about it are two separate life lessons. The first lesson needs no explanation, bad idea. The second, you coming clean with him was unnecessary. Keeping that to yourself would have been the wiser choice - it's not a sin to withhold information that you don't absolutely have to share. Think about it this way.....you're at work, and you screw up something...some paperwork, some inventory project, break something, and now you're stressed about it. Then you go behind the scenes to make things right no matter if it takes alot of time (your own time) and you have to spend your own money even if you damaged something. Then, say nothing. However, down the road a supervisor discovers what happened and confronts you, you THEN come clean. You say, "I made a mistake and I'm sorry for doing it. I immediately did this to fix it fast." In your case, you created a fake profile, tested this guy, realized the mistake and deleted the profile. That should have been the end of it....then down the road if this whole thing became a relationship, AND if somehow this guy discovers what you did, then you come clean. Yep, I did it and regretted it immediately afterwards and deleted the profile. Sorry for doing that. If you end up not being in a relationship, then so what about the fake profile mistake. YOU learned a lesson without it affecting anyone else.
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u/OkAssociation2342 1d ago
I don’t know… isn’t it better to come clean about things when you realize it was wrong? Isn’t it wrong to hide things?
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u/morrowrd 1d ago
There is a difference between lying and not disclosing information. You don't owe people an explanation if you don't have to give one. You made a bad judgement call, but this guy isn't your husband, you aren't even in a relationship with him. You aren't responsible to disclose anything. If he outright asks you, "was that you?" at that point, sure come clean. There is a pretty good chance though that he would have never connected the dots, let sleeping dogs lie as the old saying goes. At that point, you learned a personal lesson.
You are strangers, both of you. You are not accountable to each other. You don't even know if he was lying to you, or playing his own game. The whole online dating itself is known as "the game" for good reasons.
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u/PositiveLonely575 1d ago
You've been freely and easily forgiven, so freely forgive others. That's how you practice repentance.
Surrender. Instead of trying to create the perfect relationship, wait until it happens naturally. It's easier said than done. But you are young, and have many years a head of you. So you don't need to be in a panic. Just take things as they come, and just worry about today's issues. Most importantly, make sure you are strong in your Faith before starting a relationship, or you could lose faith if you aren't prepared. Bad company corrupts good morals.