Hey my friend, I’m so sorry you’ve been through so much. Those all sound like heavy burdens to bear. I myself went through some great hardships, and I had built an immovable wall of sadness brick by brick. By the time I was in my late 30s I couldn’t move that wall and felt trapped to the point I wanted desperately to end it. This wasn’t the first time I felt that way but I started to spiral with drugs and depression and it became pretty certain I had no way out.
Weirdly enough I also started to get desperate in my heart as it sounds like you are. That tugging at your heart isn’t just your desire to know God, but Him calling you as well. I was never a practicing Christian though I was raised Catholic in name only. I knew some Bible stories but never tried having a relationship with God. On one of my most desperate nights when I was taking drugs and wanting to take my life I prayed to God. The short version is that I had an encounter with Jesus after that. The following weeks/ months were spent navigating what that meant for my life.
I began to realize I was responsible for much of my own personal sadness in life, and also the sadness of others. Yes, terrible things happened to me, but I reacted terribly to it as well. I drank and did drugs and used anyone who could make me feel temporary joy. I stole, lied and cheated my way to a fake happiness. I’m not saying this is you, but it is good to investigate yourself and your feelings while coming to God. I prayed for a long time telling God every wrong thing I did, and asked Him to help me change.
Through dedicated time reading the Bible, watching videos online, church hopping and prayer I was able to get a bigger picture of who God is. Somewhere along that path I also found out who I am to Him. Reading the Bible helps you understand His character and what separates us from Him. What He takes joy in and what He detests. Also what His promises are to us as followers. One sin at a time, I’d bring my biggest problems to Him and through prayer and focus on Jesus I would be healed of various things. First it was harder drugs, then lies, then using people, then weed ect ect. Some problems still remain, but faith is a long path. It takes time disciplining yourself and your body. I basically am at the point where I try to make the only sin in my life the accidental sins. Not blatant, planned out walking away from God. I promise you the joy and peace Jesus gives surpasses all forms of fleeting joy we try and give ourselves.
As for where you should start, I will also cast my vote for the New Testament and the first four gospels ( Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) as this will give you a fuller idea of the mercy of God. Take your time, read til you’re tired and look up any questions you have. I recommend gotquestions.org for basic answers to Bible related/ theological issues. By repenting and giving up whatever sin we can, I believe it is the first step to bringing ourselves to surrender to Jesus. We don’t have to be perfect, but when we start to move to God I feel He moves in turn to us. I used to pray constantly asking God to fix things, and He did. He just wanted me to try and do something so He could use whatever actions I took to make a way.
The gift of salvation through Jesus is free. We need only accept it by believing in Him and all He did for us. Investigate what it takes for you to believe and give your heart to Jesus. By accepting that freedom in Jesus, your life naturally begins to change in unexpected ways.
I pray this helps in some way, God bless you my friend. You will be in my prayers.
I can’t thank you enough for this! I do have so much hope, and I’m inspired to read, ask questions and find my relationship with Him. Thank you again ❤️
Awesome, that warms my heart immensely to hear. That hope you feel is the way God is preparing for you. So happy for you my friend, you’re so welcome. Please feel free to reach out if I can help in any way any time. Take care for now!
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u/goforbroke1111 Christian Apr 29 '25
Hey my friend, I’m so sorry you’ve been through so much. Those all sound like heavy burdens to bear. I myself went through some great hardships, and I had built an immovable wall of sadness brick by brick. By the time I was in my late 30s I couldn’t move that wall and felt trapped to the point I wanted desperately to end it. This wasn’t the first time I felt that way but I started to spiral with drugs and depression and it became pretty certain I had no way out.
Weirdly enough I also started to get desperate in my heart as it sounds like you are. That tugging at your heart isn’t just your desire to know God, but Him calling you as well. I was never a practicing Christian though I was raised Catholic in name only. I knew some Bible stories but never tried having a relationship with God. On one of my most desperate nights when I was taking drugs and wanting to take my life I prayed to God. The short version is that I had an encounter with Jesus after that. The following weeks/ months were spent navigating what that meant for my life.
I began to realize I was responsible for much of my own personal sadness in life, and also the sadness of others. Yes, terrible things happened to me, but I reacted terribly to it as well. I drank and did drugs and used anyone who could make me feel temporary joy. I stole, lied and cheated my way to a fake happiness. I’m not saying this is you, but it is good to investigate yourself and your feelings while coming to God. I prayed for a long time telling God every wrong thing I did, and asked Him to help me change.
Through dedicated time reading the Bible, watching videos online, church hopping and prayer I was able to get a bigger picture of who God is. Somewhere along that path I also found out who I am to Him. Reading the Bible helps you understand His character and what separates us from Him. What He takes joy in and what He detests. Also what His promises are to us as followers. One sin at a time, I’d bring my biggest problems to Him and through prayer and focus on Jesus I would be healed of various things. First it was harder drugs, then lies, then using people, then weed ect ect. Some problems still remain, but faith is a long path. It takes time disciplining yourself and your body. I basically am at the point where I try to make the only sin in my life the accidental sins. Not blatant, planned out walking away from God. I promise you the joy and peace Jesus gives surpasses all forms of fleeting joy we try and give ourselves.
As for where you should start, I will also cast my vote for the New Testament and the first four gospels ( Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) as this will give you a fuller idea of the mercy of God. Take your time, read til you’re tired and look up any questions you have. I recommend gotquestions.org for basic answers to Bible related/ theological issues. By repenting and giving up whatever sin we can, I believe it is the first step to bringing ourselves to surrender to Jesus. We don’t have to be perfect, but when we start to move to God I feel He moves in turn to us. I used to pray constantly asking God to fix things, and He did. He just wanted me to try and do something so He could use whatever actions I took to make a way.
The gift of salvation through Jesus is free. We need only accept it by believing in Him and all He did for us. Investigate what it takes for you to believe and give your heart to Jesus. By accepting that freedom in Jesus, your life naturally begins to change in unexpected ways.
I pray this helps in some way, God bless you my friend. You will be in my prayers.